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Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective #38170
12/20/10 04:15 PM
12/20/10 04:15 PM
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TimeHeals Offline OP
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Our time perspective affects us in subtle yet profound ways.

For most of us, our time-perspective is a subconscious thing.

Our time perspective is a key component of a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA), and all of our relationships benefit from a PMA.

According to the research done by Philip Zimbardo, John Boyd and others, the optimal time perspective is high in future positive, high in present hedonic, moderately high in past-positive and low in present fatalistic and past negative.

People often say that you cannot change the past, and this is true, but you CAN change how you interpret the past. People with a high past-positive perspective tend to remember the good things in their past best, but even when they remember the difficulties in their past, they tend to remember them in the context of what they have learned from them.


Enhancing your past-positive and present hedonic perspective:

The following is an excercise aimed at re-framing the past and enhancing our appreciation of things in our present:


Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
1. Every day for one month, list 10 things that you are grateful for in life (people, things, etc. Anything. One day, "dryer sheets... because they smell good, make my towels soft, and my dogs like playing with them after I am done using them" topped my list).

2. Every 2nd week, list three challenges that you have faced and then describe how these things made you a better, stronger or more appreciative person.

After a month, review the lists and compare them.

Continue to make gratitude lists once a week from now on.


Note: The above excercise is intended to "reboot" folks who are very skewed past-negative or present fatalistic. If your perspective is less skewed, then listing things once a week is actually a better course for you because making such lists too often can actually have a less positive effect than doing it once a week. Interestingly, most people attend Church services at most once a week, and often these services include a reminder to "count our blessings". Coincidence?


Enhancing your future postive perspective:


Rest, excercise and nutrition affect your PMA. Your internal clock is affected by exposure to light. Setting goals and acheiving them enhances your future-positive perspective. Worrying about things can keep you from sleeping well. Your appearance reflects your inner state, and it can enhance or diminish your PMA.

Combining these ideas, we can develop a set of goals aimed at amplifying our future positive perspective. Start with one goal at a time, and add goals as you begin establishing a new routine.

Example goals:

1. Go to bed by 10-10:30PM every night, and dim the lights a full hour before I go to bed.

2. Spend 1-2 minutes stretching when I wake up in the morning.

3. Go for a 15-30 minute walk each morning when the weather permits, and do 10 minutes of excercise immediately after work each day.

4. Start a new nutrition program that includes cutting out food and drink heavy in processed sweeteners (sugar, high-fructose corn syrup).

5. Take care of little things. Spend at least 15 minutes a day picking up around the house and doing light housework. Pay bills that I can afford to pay.

6. Take care of my personal grooming. Brush my teeth after every meal, get a new hair cut, and if I can afford it, buy something nice to wear.

7. Save 150 dollars a month in a "vacation fund" account.

Start with simple, near term goals and build. As you establish your new rounties, the benefits of acheiving your goals will generate positive re-inforcement, and you will begin to see your choices can have a beneficial impact on your life.

Small projects are also good. Refinish that wood floor? Paint a room that needs painting? Clean up that yard?


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #38661
12/21/10 01:17 PM
12/21/10 01:17 PM
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Hi TH,

Thanks so much for starting this thread here on the MAgnify Marriages Forum. Please note my questions below in green. I like to use green because it symbolizes "growth" and one of my early mottos was:
Click to reveal..
"When You're Green You're Growing; When You're Not, You Rot!"
No offense to the poster self-nicknamed "Not" LOL. She and I are on a similar time-line and she said she hopes to contribute her thoughts and ideas about recovery/piecing soon.


Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Our time perspective affects us in subtle yet profound ways.

For most of us, our time-perspective is a subconscious thing.

Our time perspective is a key component of a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA), and all of our relationships benefit from a PMA.

According to the research done by Philip Zimbardo, John Boyd and others, the optimal time perspective is high in future positive, high in present hedonic, moderately high in past-positive and low in present fatalistic and past negative.

If possible, could you please provide links to the specific research you're referring to? I think it would be helpful because my google/bing efforts might lead to a different perspective than your purposes for this thread...and it is an excellent base for this forum. Thanks, so much!


People often say that you cannot change the past, and this is true, but you CAN change how you interpret the past. People with a high past-positive perspective tend to remember the good things in their past best, but even when they remember the difficulties in their past, they tend to remember them in the context of what they have learned from them.

I have a little but I want A LOT of this "high past-positive perspective" you describe. Can you please elaborate a little more on this concept?


Enhancing your past-positive and present hedonic perspective:

The following is an excercise aimed at re-framing the past and enhancing our appreciation of things in our present:


Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
1. Every day for one month, list 10 things that you are grateful for in life (people, things, etc. Anything. One day, "dryer sheets... because they smell good, make my towels soft, and my dogs like playing with them after I am done using them" topped my list).

2. Every 2nd week, list three challenges that you have faced and then describe how these things made you a better, stronger or more appreciative person.

After a month, review the lists and compare them.


Thank you so much for reposting this. It's something we can all do by ourselves or via email or blog to keep each other accountable for our thought processes.

In addition to those mentioned above and below, are there other exercises for those of us who tend to worry too much and focus on what might go wrong instead of what we want to go right?



Enhancing your future postive perspective:


Rest, excercise and nutrition affect your PMA. Your internal clock is affected by exposure to light. Setting goals and acheiving them enhances your future-positive perspective. Worrying about things can keep you from sleeping well. Your appearance reflects your inner state, and it can enhance or diminish your PMA.

Combining these ideas, we can develop a set of goals aimed at amplifying our future positive perspective. Start with one goal at a time, and add goals as you begin establishing a new routine.

Example goals:

1. Go to be by 10-10:30PM every night, and dim the lights a full hour before I go to bed.

2. Spend 1-2 minutes stretching when I wake up in the morning.

3. Go for a 15-30 minute walk each morning when the weather permits, and do 10 minutes of excercise immediately after work each day.

4. Start a new nutrition program that includes cutting out food and drink heavy in processed sweeteners (sugar, high-fructose corn syrup).

5. Take care of little things. Spend at least 15 minutes a day picking up around the house and doing light housework. Pay bills that I can afford to pay.

6. Take care of my personal grooming. Brush my teeth after every meal, get a new hair cut, and if I can afford it, buy something nice to wear.

7. Save 150 dollars a month is a "vacation fund" account.

Start with simple, near term goals and build. As you establish your new rounties, the benefits of acheiving your goals will generate positive re-inforcement, and you will begin to see your choices can have a beneficial impact on your life.

Small projects are also good. Refinish that wood floor? Paint a room that needs painting? Clean up that yard?


Super ideas, TH. Those if us working to recover/piece together our marriages could actually work on these exercises together.

Again, thanks! I read your blog and wish you and your wife well in your recovery efforts.

What other thoughts and actions might contribute to restoring a healthy time perspective?

Ace

Last edited by Ace; 12/21/10 01:18 PM. Reason: add spoiler box

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Ace] #38671
12/21/10 01:44 PM
12/21/10 01:44 PM
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TimeHeals Offline OP
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I intend to link in specific research where it exists on the internet, cite passages from studies in the traditional print media, and write about how Time, in general, affects our perception, behavior and emotional state.

I am leaving on vacation today, and I wanted to put something simples out there as a place-holder and to remind myself to write about it smile

When possible (and when I have more time), I will try to relate these concepts back to restoring the health of marriages in general and my own marriage in particular.

In the meantime, I'll leave this video by Dr. Philip Zimbardo because I am pressed for time:



Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #38678
12/21/10 01:56 PM
12/21/10 01:56 PM
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Thank you! Have a great vacation! cool

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #41568
12/29/10 02:14 PM
12/29/10 02:14 PM
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TimeHeals Offline OP
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Activities can create long-term happiness: the importance of a future-positive perspective.

I suppose it seems obvious except when it doesn't, but... we have studies to prove that goal setting and follow through activities can affect a person's feelings of competence, and thus can lead to long-term improvement in a person's happiness.

A new and varying fitness routine, for example, can improve your fitness over time and raise your self-esteem and the belief that you can set and achieve goals in general.


Things like a new car (or a new marriage-smile), on the other hand, only lead to very tempory increases in happiness.

Originally Posted By: Positive Psychology in Practice, Section IV
What are the most general recommendations for increasing happiness suggested by our model? Simply, that happiness seekers might be advised to find new activities to become engaged in—preferably activities that fit their values and interests.

They should make a habit of initiating the activity, while at the same time varying the way they implement the activity and aiming for the optimal timing of the activity. People might be advised to avoid basing their happiness on the acquisition of particular circumstances or objects (e.g., buy a luxury car, arrange for cosmetic surgery, or move to California) because they will tend to habituate to such stable factors. However, if they can remember to appreciate or actively engage with the object or circumstance (i.e., pause to savor their new Mercedes or take advantage of the California weather), stable objects and circumstances may not be stable after all from a phenomenological perspective.
.


See part IV of the paper in link below (or read the whole thing-bigger smile):

Positive Psychology in Practice

Note: For spouses that describe their situation as being in "limbo", this has profound implications. By not setting goals and putting your life "on-hold" you can actually diminish feelings of competence, and this leads to long-term unhappiness.

Take control of what you can control: yourself. Establish new activities and vary your routines, and this can improve your personal happiness.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #42081
12/30/10 06:59 AM
12/30/10 06:59 AM
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Gateway to the West
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals


Note: For spouses that describe their situation as being in "limbo", this has profound implications. By not setting goals and putting your life "on-hold" you can actually diminish feelings of competence, and this leads to long-term unhappiness.


I really love this line!!!!

Good stuff TH.....

I find the topic of "time" very dear to me. It's a huge proponent of the MB recovery plan. So I'm interested in what you are writing about it....thanks...

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Not2fun] #44603
01/04/11 02:04 PM
01/04/11 02:04 PM
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TimeHeals Offline OP
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Mindfulness: The Importance of a Present-Hedonic Time Perspective

I thought I'd write about the importance of taking time to smell the proverbial roses, enjoy the small things in life, and investing time maintaining your most important relationships.

Earlier I wrote about how a future-positive time perspective involves anticipating consequences, setting goals and achieving them, and this can lead to long-term happiness. What I left out is that if your perspective is too skewed future positive, this raises your anxiety levels, and your closest relationships can suffer.

Philip Zimbardo (see previous video link in this thread) conducted a study of seminary students. All of the seminary students were told that as part of their grade, they had to prepare for an oral presentation where they would speak about the parable of the "The Good Samaritan".

Half of the students were told that there had been a mixup, and they were late to give their speech.

On their way to give the speech, each student encountered a disabled actor who appeared to have fallen out of his wheel chair.

Nearly than 80% of the seminary students who were NOT told they were late stopped to help the actor.

Less than 10% of the students who were told they were late stopped to help the actor.

When our anxiety levels are high, and when when our perspective is highly future positive, we are less generous and less apt to help others.


What does all of this have to do with marriage?

Future-positives give up time with their families, time with their spouse, and increase their overall anxiety levels.

For couples that are reconciling or couples that are in trouble, taking time to focus on the present can be critical to establishing deeper bonds;otherwise, the demands of their hectic future-positive lifestyles can become so stressful that they do nothing but argue about who is and is not doing what all of the time.

Future-positives can even plan complex agendas for vacations to the point that their vacations are not an opportunity to establish more intimacy in their relationships. It's all about balance.


Originally Posted By: Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D.
Dual Career Couples: Balancing Work and Family Life
by Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D.

Tom, 36, and Cheryl, 35, were two professionals on the fast track to
career success -- and to family disintegration.

Like many dual career
couples today, the ever-increasing time demands of their work lives, the
hectic pace of deadlines, frequent business trips, the constant barrage
of phone calls, faxes, and emails to their home study (and their need to
respond), and their mismatched schedules were all taking a toll on their
marriage and on the quality of their relationships with their young
children

-- seven-year-old Trish, and four-year-old Jimmy.

Tom, a vice-president of an investment company, rose at 5:00 a.m. to run, shower, dress, make his
daughter's school lunch sandwich, and gulp a quick cup of coffee before running out to catch the 8:19 train.

Cheryl, head of graphic design for a major advertising firm, rose at 6:30 a.m., woke the kids, showered,
dressed and got the kids their breakfast, got Trish to the school bus and drove Jimmy to daycare on her way to work.

Once a day they breathlessly connected by phone to "check in," but these micro moments of electronic intimacy were invariably cut short by some pressing business matter.

Although each day they held out the hope that they'd be able to meet
for dinner as a family, these hopes were almost invariably dashed by some
last-minute work "emergency."

Typically, Trish got home by 6:00 p.m. (the babysitter having picked up Jimmy and supervised Trish's homework), threw dinner together for the kids while reviewing a pile of faxes, got them
bathed (the kids, not the faxes) and put them to bed (except Wednesdays, Tom's one night of "quality time" with the children, when he took over, giving Cheryl the chance to relax -- time she usually spent catching up on work).

Weekends were spent on errands, shuttling Trish to dance classes and Jimmy to a play group each parent taking one child and one TO DO list, and spending the days largely apart. By the time Saturday evening rolled around, they often collapsed into bed, too tired to go out or to take advantage of the fact that
they had ended up in bed, awake, at the same time.

In the last year, busyness had given way to bitterness often directed at one another. Cheryl vented frustration at Tom that she had to manage most of the childcare along with holding down a demanding job.

Tom felt betrayed by Cheryl in these moments, as she had encouraged him to accept the promotion that, while greatly increasing his income, had thrust many new responsibilities upon him. Cheryl countered that she had encouraged him because she knew he'd have been miserable passing up the opportunity, and she'd suffer as a result from his sulking moods; and on and on. When the children started crying during their fights, Tom and Cheryl decided to seek professional help.

Sound like a couple you know -- maybe you? Over the past twenty years, across socioeconomic classes, there has been an increase in time devoted to work and a decline in leisure time, resulting in a time crunch for
many families.

This time crunch affects partners' time with each other, and for those who are parents, time with children.

Both single and dual earner couples experience this crunch, but the challenges for dual earner couples
may be greatest, what with juggling the multiple demands of two jobs, commuting, childrearing, and commitments to extended family and community.

There are numerous theories and studies that seek to explain the flooding of family life by work. Some claim that we have become a nation of workaholics, or of people who prefer the social structure of the workplace to our "messier" relationships with our spouses and children.

Other studies point to the decrease in job stability and increase in layoffs (despite the
decrease in rates of unemployment) which raises anxiety (especially when we have children to support) and keeps us staying late at the office to prove how indispensable we are. In fact, a 1992 New York Times survey found 82 percent of workers said they would work longer hours, if needed, to keep their jobs.

Interestingly, although Department of Labor statistics show almost a twofold increase in company flextime programs over this decade, relatively few workers take advantage of these programs.

Although some persons use work as an escape from family relationships, the vast majority of working parents find themselves caught between two ways of providing care for their children: insuring stable and adequate financial support, and spending adequate time with them. For instance, a 1995 national study by the Families and Work Institute found women indicating that their "greatest family concern" was the family not
having enough time together -- this despite both men and women defining success at home as having time together with the family. And when asked if they would elect to spend more time with their children or work to make more money, most woman said they'd work.

In fact, while both men and women working parents struggle to balance work and family responsibilities, women shoulder the majority of the juggling act. Women do far more "trip chaining" executing complex sequences of activities before, during, and after work to keep the family gears moving: shuttling children to and from school, lessons, play dates, and doctors' appointments; depositing and picking up laundry; shopping, and so on.

And for those couples in the "sandwich generation" -- simultaneously raising children and caring for their own elderly, often infirmed parents -- the female partner typically receives the bulk of the burden.

While women do more multitasking, men do more of the business traveling that takes them away from home, often for extended periods. Although for some, the work may be exciting, and the potential for national or international travel may initially seem a glamorous job perk, so-called Frequent Business Travelers (or F.B.T.s) many soon tire of the grind and accompanying separation from partners and children. Such travel
drastically reduces the amount of time partners have for each other, and also limits or entirely eliminate a sense of temporal regularity or rhythmicity in their lives together -- rhythms of time apart versus together, rhythms of sharing household chores, and so on. In addition, the transitions of the traveling
parent's departures and returns can be extremely stressful for the marriage and for children.

How can parents cope with the pressures of work and career while
still nurturing children and sustaining family relationships?

Here are some tips:

Create "sacred times" for you as a couple -- a weekly date (even if you stay home), a morning meditation time, a nightly "decompression" talk about the day's events (even if only ten to fifteen minutes, and even if you're physically apart); and so on. Be creative and be consistent! Some couples balk at the idea of scheduling intimacy. These couples suffer from what I call the "myth of spontaneity" -- the notion that even when their lives are completely overscheduled, somehow, they will just find the time
to connect. Typically they don't, and then blame each other rather than acknowledging their busy lives and being proactive in making intimacy happen.

Even if you're not spending as much time together as you'd ultimately prefer, knowing you can count on regular sacred times of togetherness can keep you connected while you work to change the balance of work and
couple/family time.

Try using Sixty Second Pleasure Points across the day fun and even sensual activities that a couple can do that last only sixty seconds or less!

A quick massage, sharing a piece of fruit, an embrace, dancing (that's why they invented pop music short tunes for busy couples!), and when apart, a quick phone call, or an affectionate, amusing email or fax.

If one partner (that is, the woman!) is shouldering more of the little details of family life, sit down together and see if the other partner can take over some of them. Sometimes small changes in who does what reap significant decreases in stress.

Arrange sacred times with the kids as well but remember, kids can't handle emotional shorthand as well as adults they need more time! The quality of "quality time" greatly diminishes when it's too short. Think about doing some mindless chores with the kids while having a
conversation -- it's a great way to teach them skills and responsibilities while
connecting.

Many kids don't like to have adult-like face-to- face conversations anyway!

Try to arrange regular family time. Several studies including ours at the Ackerman Institute show that families highly value having at least one meal together daily, and many pull it off. Schedule other times that everyone can count on for fun.

For both the couple and family times, make sure you turn off the beepers and cell phones, and ignore the phone and fax. Nothing gets in the way of time together than the erratic interruptions of work dispatches through modern technology!

Ultimately, if you wish to have more time from work for family, you may need to think carefully about the financial and career goals you've set, and make difficult choices to pare down work. You may be surprised to find, after some initial grumbling and suspicious (maybe envious!) sidelong
glances from your co-workers or boss as you leave only one hour past the supposed
end of the workday, that you don't lose your job!

The key to all these tips is regularity -- creating a rhythm of family life that acknowledges realistic time pressures from work but that prioritizes and fits in time for all the relationships in the family.

****

Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D., is Associate Professor of Psychology, City
University of New York; Director of Research, and of the Study on Time, Work,
Technology, and the Family at the Ackerman Institute for the Family;
Director, PREP at New York University Child Study Center; and in private
practice. He is the author of numerous articles and chapters on time and
couples, and a regular presenter at Smart Marriages and other conferences
on this topic.



Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #58601
01/26/11 03:08 AM
01/26/11 03:08 AM
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My five-year old has been very negative for the last few months (no surprise, with all the changes in her life). I started a new "game" with her two weeks ago - every day on the way home from day care she has to tell me 2 things that made her happy that day, and I tell her 2 things that made me happy. For the first 3 days she complained and whined and didn't want to play. Today she told me we were going to have to start saying FOUR things each. I've seen a big decrease in the amount of whining she does and an increase in smiles and giggles.

Gratitude lists are powerful attitude adjusters!!


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: CajunRose] #59397
01/27/11 01:11 PM
01/27/11 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
Gratitude lists are powerful attitude adjusters!!


You're so right, CR. Thanks for sharing that.

It's neat to see how this transcends beyond spouses to family relations and from adults to children. It can be effective in the workplace, community, local, regional and national stages and even beyond.

How do we get the media to buy into sharing more good stuff than bad?

Click to reveal..
Although rhetorical initially, the answer most likely lies in HOW can we get consumers to seek positive headlines over negative stories?


In the meantime, it's good that we can control this aspect of our own little worlds.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Ace] #63465
02/02/11 03:57 PM
02/02/11 03:57 PM
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Quote:
How do we get the media to buy into sharing more good stuff than bad?


I try to filter the media a bit because the persuit of ratings inevitably skews coverage toward conflict, controversey, sex and violence, and it has been my experience that is not only a skewed perspective of life in general, but it also raises your anxiety levels and can become addictive and that often folks will say they are making an effort to be informed citizens when what they really are focused on is feeding an addiction to that anxiety. It can also desensitize you to real conflict and aggression if you let it smile

I try to limit TV news to the 10-10:30 network broadcast a few times a week, and I take a hunt-and-seek-and-challenge-my-assumptions approach to anything that strikes me as possibly very interesting.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #67206
02/09/11 03:26 PM
02/09/11 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
How do we get the media to buy into sharing more good stuff than bad?


I try to filter the media a bit because the persuit of ratings inevitably skews coverage toward conflict, controversey, sex and violence, and it has been my experience that is not only not a skewed perspective of life in general, but it also raises your anxiety levels and can become addictive and that often folks will say they are making an effort to be informed citizens when what they really are focused on is feeding an addiction to that anxiety.


This is an interesting concept, TH and I agree about the addiction to the anxiety levels.

Your post confirms something odd that happened to me/us post A when we began our recovery rollercoaster after decades of dysfunction.

I used to thrive on romance novels, romantic comedies, magazines, etc. to get my romance fix. After we started "living the dream" I discovered that I did not want to read/watch those books/movies/mags.

I guess I'm still addicted but it's to our M/recovery/relationship. We get to live out the dream now and the only books I've read are the M books we used together to start this rollercoaster ride.

Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
It can also desensitize you to real conflict and aggression if you let it smile


I totally agree that one of the worst impacts of media oversaturation is how it skews one's perspective towards conflict, aggression and other aspects. I've discovered that movies I once thought were funny and enjoyable I now see differently due to the fact that the theme includes infidelity. I watch very few movies and even less TV, which is better for us in the long run.

BTW, I saw the book entitled 14,000 Reasons to be Happy (or something like that) and it reminded me of you. Not sure if it mentioned dryer sheets but it's a compilation of someone's diary of tiny things for which to be thankful from junior high to adulthood.

Thanks,
Ace

Last edited by Ace; 02/09/11 03:36 PM. Reason: comment on desensitivity quote

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Ace] #240036
06/14/12 10:22 PM
06/14/12 10:22 PM
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Balance is good smile

"When you are unable to find tranquility within yourself,
it is useless to seek it elsewhere".


And now back to no drama ....


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #240037
06/14/12 10:24 PM
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Thank you....can I borrow that? Do I attribute it to you?

Last edited by Squeaky Tree; 06/14/12 10:31 PM.

Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Squeaky Tree] #271078
12/22/12 09:58 PM
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Madison, WI, USA, 14 May 2010 (By Ryan J. Foley, AP) - After hearing about his cutting-edge research on the brain and emotions through mutual friends, the Dalai Lama invited Richard Davidson to his home in India in 1992 to pose a question.

Scientists often study depression, anxiety and fear, but why not devote your work to the causes of positive human qualities like happiness and compassion? the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader asked.

"I couldn't give him a good answer," recalled Davidson, a University of Wisconsin-Madison neuroscientist.


Since then, Davidson has become a partner in the Dalai Lama's attempts to build a connection between Buddhism and western science. This weekend, the Dalai Lama will mark the opening of the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the university's Waisman Center, where more than a dozen researchers will study the science behind positive qualities of mind. Davidson said the center will be the only one in the world with a meditation room next to a brain imaging laboratory.

Davidson's research has used brain imaging technology on Buddhist monks and other veteran practitioners of meditation to try to learn how their training affects mental health.

His team's findings suggest meditation and other "contemplative practices" can improve compassion, empathy, kindness and attention. They support the concept that even adult brains can change through experience and learning.

"He's made some interesting discoveries about meditation, and I think he is doing very good science," said John Wiley, who was university chancellor from 2001 to 2008 and is interim director of the Wisconsin Institutes for Discovery.

Initially, "a significant number of his colleagues around the world were suspicious and thought that it wasn't adequately grounded in hard science," Wiley said. "He's proved them wrong."

The appearance comes as the Dalai Lama has spent more time promoting research into traditional Buddhist meditative practices and urging scientists to help create a more ethical and peaceful world.

Davidson, named one of Time magazine's most 100 influential people in 2006, will appear with the Dalai Lama at scientific events five times this year.

"His relationship with the Dalai Lama lends a great deal of public influence to the hard science that he does," said David Addiss, a former Centers for Disease Control official who now works at the Fetzer Institute, a Michigan nonprofit that gave Davidson a $2.5 million grant.

Yet Davidson's relationship with the Dalai Lama remains controversial. When he invited the Dalai Lama to speak at a 2005 neuroscience conference, dozens of researchers signed a petition in protest.

Some of the criticism appeared motivated by Chinese researchers who disagree politically with the Dalai Lama's stance on Tibet. Others said it was an inappropriate mix of faith with science.

Davidson, who meditates every morning but does not consider himself a practicing Buddhist, has also been criticized for being too close to someone with an interest in the outcome of his research.

http://www.dalailama.com/news/post/527-scientist-inspired-by-dalai-lama-studies-happiness


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #271082
12/22/12 10:10 PM
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And one more on this from Wired (Perhaps I should re-title thread, "Restoring a Healthy Perspective"?):

Richard Davidson, 54, is at once a distinguished scientist and an avid spiritual seeker. He became fascinated with meditation in the '60s. As a graduate student at Harvard, he channeled that interest into the study of psychology and neuroscience. In his spare time, he hung out with Ram Dass, Timothy Leary's former LSD research partner turned mystic. Davidson traveled to India for a meditation retreat, then finished his doctorate in biological psychology and headed to the University of Wisconsin, where he now directs the Waisman Laboratory for Brain Imaging and Behavior.

The Dalai Lama learned of Davidson's work from other scientists and in 1992 invited him to Dharamsala, India, to interview monks with extensive meditation experience about their mental and emotional lives. Davidson recalls the "extraordinary power of compassion" he experienced in the Dalai Lama's presence.

A decade later, he got a chance to examine Tibetan Buddhists in his own lab. In June 2002, Davidson's associate Antoine Lutz positioned 128 electrodes on the head of Mattieu Ricard. A French-born monk from the Shechen Monastery in Katmandu, Ricard had racked up more than of 10,000 hours of meditation.

Lutz asked Ricard to meditate on "unconditional loving-kindness and compassion." He immediately noticed powerful gamma activity - brain waves oscillating at roughly 40 cycles per second -�indicating intensely focused thought. Gamma waves are usually weak and difficult to see. Those emanating from Ricard were easily visible, even in the raw EEG output. Moreover, oscillations from various parts of the cortex were synchronized - a phenomenon that sometimes occurs in patients under anesthesia.

The researchers had never seen anything like it. Worried that something might be wrong with their equipment or methods, they brought in more monks, as well as a control group of college students inexperienced in meditation. The monks produced gamma waves that were 30 times as strong as the students'. In addition, larger areas of the meditators' brains were active, particularly in the left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions.

Davidson realized that the results had important implications for ongoing research into the ability to change brain function through training. In the traditional view, the brain becomes frozen with the onset of adulthood, after which few new connections form. In the past 20 years, though, scientists have discovered that intensive training can make a difference. For instance, the portion of the brain that corresponds to a string musician's fingering hand grows larger than the part that governs the bow hand - even in musicians who start playing as adults. Davidson's work suggested this potential might extend to emotional centers.

But Davidson saw something more. The monks had responded to the request to meditate on compassion by generating remarkable brain waves. Perhaps these signals indicated that the meditators had attained an intensely compassionate state of mind. If so, then maybe compassion could be exercised like a muscle; with the right training, people could bulk up their empathy. And if meditation could enhance the brain's ability to produce "attention and affective processes" - emotions, in the technical language of Davidson's study - it might also be used to modify maladaptive emotional responses like depression.

Davidson and his team published their findings in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in November 2004. The research made The Wall Street Journal, and Davidson instantly became a celebrity scientist.

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.02/dalai.html


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #271181
12/23/12 10:17 PM
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Must remember to go back and reread all of this thread.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Squeaky Tree] #271318
12/25/12 02:13 AM
12/25/12 02:13 AM
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Crowding out Resentment


Although unfairness causes resentment, changes that produce more fairness will not resolve it. The establishment of fairness can prevent the formation of new resentments in some cases. But once resentment becomes part of your automatic defense system, it has to be resolved within you, by systematically building more value and meaning into your life. You cannot simply let go of past resentments; you must crowd them out with focus on the opposites of resentment: improving, appreciating, connecting, and protecting.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201211/waves-stress

Last edited by TimeHeals; 12/25/12 02:14 AM.

Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #271347
12/25/12 10:54 PM
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Sounds like an awful lot of hard work again TH!


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: Squeaky Tree] #271352
12/26/12 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted By: Squeaky Tree
Sounds like an awful lot of hard work again TH!


I guess it might because it is a lifetime's work smile We're all human, after all.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #299403
06/01/13 02:30 PM
06/01/13 02:30 PM
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Authenticity

Authenticity has become something of a buzzword in the internet age. It's a marketing strategy, politicians all lay claim to it, and there are self-help workshops around the country that claim they can help you become your authentic self.

I was thinking about that this morning: in the internet medium, people use social media and online forums to project personas. Governments and corporations even employ persona software (sock puppets) to try to re-frame discussions, spy on others, and to advance particular impressions.


The image that popped into my head while I thought about this was of the Aflac duck on a psychiatrist's couch asking the psychiatrist, "Why don't I bark like other dogs?", and the psychiatrist replying "Because you are not a dog. You are a duck".

They say Mother Teresa had grave doubts about her faith (revealed in her letters), and yet she was beatified, and she will probably be declared a saint, and she probably should be declared a saint. Despite her misgivings, she was no dog; she was a duck smile


How do we know? Her acts.


If somebody consistently acts like a duck, they're probably a duck, and it doesn't really matter if they think they are a dog or want others to think that either.

If you really are a dog, then you will act like a dog consistently, and it doesn't matter if you want yourself or others believe you are a duck.

If you are a duck, then you will act like a duck all the time, even when you are alone. That doesn't mean you won't sometimes wonder if you're a dog.

If you wonder why you don't bark, maybe you're a duck?

If you wonder why that duck is barking, maybe it's a dog?




Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #300604
06/07/13 11:30 AM
06/07/13 11:30 AM
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A Book Plug for one of my favorite psychologist authors for those dealing with PTSD (which often accompanies infidelity and abuse):

http://www.amazon.com/The-Time-Cure-Overcoming-Perspective/dp/1118205677

The Time Cure

Book Description
Publication Date: October 23, 2012

In his landmark book, The Time Paradox, internationally known psychologist Philip Zimbardo showed that we can transform the way we think about our past, present, and future to attain greater success in work and in life. Now, in The Time Cure, Zimbardo has teamed with clinicians Richard and Rosemary Sword to reveal a groundbreaking approach that helps those living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to shift their time perspectives and move beyond the traumatic past toward a more positive future.

Time Perspective Therapy switches the focus from past to present, from negative to positive, clearing the pathway for the best yet to come: the future. It helps PTSD sufferers pull their feet out of the quicksand of past traumas and step firmly on the solid ground of the present, allowing them to take a step forward into a brighter future. Rather than viewing PTSD as a mental illness the authors see it as a mental injurya normal reaction to traumatic eventsand offer those suffering from PTSD the healing balm of hope.

The Time Cure lays out the step-by-step process of Time Perspective Therapy, which has proven effective for a wide range of individuals, from veterans to survivors of abuse, accidents, assault, and neglect. Rooted in psychological research, the book also includes a wealth of vivid and inspiring stories from real-life PTSD suffererseffective for individuals seeking self-help, their loved ones, therapists and counselors, or anyone who wants to move forward to a brighter future.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #300608
06/07/13 11:57 AM
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TH I wanted to share that I saw the video early this week and it is really helping me stay "present" when listening to folks at work talk about problems. It reminds me to hang back and wait and see how and when they want something resolved, instead of jumping to the conclusion they are expecting something to be fixed now.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: NewEveryDay] #300610
06/07/13 12:11 PM
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Thanks for all the great articles, I liked them when you posted them and they are really great to re-read for a refresher, too.

The link here is broken, is this something that's still out there?

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...me_Pe#Post41568


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: NewEveryDay] #300611
06/07/13 12:20 PM
06/07/13 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
TH I wanted to share that I saw the video early this week and it is really helping me stay "present" when listening to folks at work talk about problems. It reminds me to hang back and wait and see how and when they want something resolved, instead of jumping to the conclusion they are expecting something to be fixed now.


I think that would be great (sharing the video if you have a link) smile


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Restoring a Healthy Time Perspective [Re: TimeHeals] #301421
06/12/13 12:37 PM
06/12/13 12:37 PM
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Oh TH, I meant that I watched the video that you shared here, it's great!

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...me_Pe#Post38671


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
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