Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 4 guests, and 31 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Ask Amy's very bad advice on affairs1
2.The Joke Thread1
3.Financial counselor says communication is key when mixing money and marriage - Grand Forks Herald0
4.Daughter says father made ominous threats if his wife sought a divorce - Portland Press Herald0
5.A Straight Spouse Of A Gay Husband Speaks Out0
6.Rise Above Past Relationship Failures - Psychology Today0
7.Toxic Relationship dynamics0
8.Women Who Don't Orgasm - Psychology Today0
9.Highspire man tried to kill wife in car crash after marriage counseling session went south, police say0
10.6 Ways to Recreate, Not Just Salvage, Your Relationship - Psychology Today0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want4
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? #69743
02/15/11 12:40 AM
02/15/11 12:40 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
D-day struck and for days, weeks, months or even years, you have been hoping for (and fearing) marital recovery. Finally the WS says the magic words "I will do anything to get our marriage back on track". What happens now?

When you first learn the terrible news of your spouse's cheating, the pain is so great that you feel like it will never go away. But it will, with time, and your feelings will return to normal. You will find as you make your way through the healing process that sometimes your emotions will be overwhelming, in which case you want to let them flow. At other times the intensity of your emotions will start to fade.

The human mind is built in such a way that in order to maintain mental balance and happiness, we need to have a clear idea of what is going to happen in our future. If our future is uncertain, such as questions similar to "will we make it, do I want to try" etc, then we feel we cannot plan our lives and as a consequence feel stressed, depressed and anxious. We have built a certain image of our future and suddenly that image is being shattered, causing great mental pain.

Mark's Managing Memories Thread

While the steps of progression are not universal or the same for everyone, initially when you first enter into recovery, your primary emotion is going to be relief. Relief that it is finally 'all over'. Relief that things can 'get back to normal'. There may be a period of of what is termed 'hysterical bonding' between you and your WS. Often this is manifested in the form of frequent sex, far in excess of what may have been 'normal' pre infidelity. There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are 'rewarding' the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build. For some BS's it is a way of 'reclaiming' the WS, or 'overwriting' the OP from the WS's memories. Hysterical bonding may not happen for you, some BS's find it takes time before they desire intimacy with their WS. This is completely normal and has no relation as to the possible success or failure of your recovery. As far as how long hysterical bonding will last - again it will rely on many factors. Our advice is if you are enjoying it, enjoy it. If you are not, talk about it with your spouse. Communication is a strong factor in a successful relationship.

After a short time, you may become almost obsessively curious about the affair from the WS's point of view. You want to know the answers to such questions as what attracted them to the OP? Was the OP better/worse at SF? Where did WS and OP go? What did WS and OP do together? What did they say to each other? Often you will ask the same question several times in slightly different ways in order to 'cross reference' previous answers. This is normal. It is recommended that you assign a set time such as one day a week for a duration of 15-30 mins for asking these questions. Accept the WS's answers, do not argue that his answers are right, wrong, not long enough, not logical, etc. Remeber in order for the WS to feel safe, and therefore more likely to share with you, you have to listen. Write down the answers if you think it will help. Do consider the questions you want to ask. There is not a delete button in your head, and if your WS is being entirely open and honest, you may occasionally get an answer you did not want. Having said that, although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, simply knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps the BS towards recovery. Be aware that occasionally the answers may contribute to the 'mind movie's' common to the BS. Outside of these 'A talks', endeavour to not refer back to the affair constantly. You AND your WS need time to just enjoy being together in order to heal and build a new marriage. Affair talks are a love buster for you both.

After relief and curiosity, and some times concurrently, comes anger and resentment. Certain periods of time, and dates are known to be particularly difficult for the BS. These include the 6 month recovery point. The one year and 2 year recovery point. The first 1-2 'antiversaries' of D-day. Celebratory occasions that fell during the affair such as birthday, anniversary's and holidays. This is completely normal. Eventually these dates lose affair related significance and regain their original meaning for the BS. Allow your feelings to surface and release in non harmful ways. It is ok to tell your WS you are angry and why. It is not ok to use this anger as a way to deliberately hurt your WS. Do not resort to name calling, physical violence, or even a Revenge Affair . "Revenge is sweet" should never be applied to your spouse or your marriage. Remember, that no matter how sweet or satisfying it appears to be as you contemplate revenge or actually carry it out, that satisfaction doesn't last. Ultimately, you are left with those same feelings of anger, helplessness, and hurt. These feelings of anger and resentment are normal emotional reactions to the pain of betrayal. However, emotional associations fade over time as long as there are no further associations with new painful events.

Other things you may discover you are doing include:
-monitoring a spouse's every move
-occasional ambivalence about desiring to recover the marriage
-retaining a lingering mistrust of the WS
-restless sleeping patterns
-wavering between holding the WS at arms length, and smothering them in love
-feelings of insecurity about your WS's motivation for staying in the marriage
-triggering over words and situations that had perhaps not had an impact pre recovery.


While there are always going to be variances, in general, the recovery time line looks like the following:

Day 1 six months: Trauma

A period of numbness, shock, overwhelming grief and where you are are unable to think clearly. It's important not to make any big decisions during this time, while you are in the emotional trauma of the moment, because these may become the decisions you will regret later. Neither is it smart to think that you can solve every thing and heal the marriage while you are in this heightened emotional state. The first thing you need to think of is yourself. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Take care of yourself. You are likely to experience a myriad of ups and downs, also know as the roller coaster. You'll go from vigilance to save the marriage, to struggling with thoughts of anger, hatred and revenge, to just wanting to give up and cry alone in a dark room. You may experience all of this or only one side of it. Don't underestimate the physical impact of this experience. It's common to experience significant weight loss, loss of good sleep, and general weakness. Be sure to eat healthily and get some exercise.

3 6 months: Beginning to work on the issues:

You may be ready to begin to deal with the core issues that led to the affair and trying to adjust to this new reality emotionally. The first 6 months are usually dominated by the emotions, and it's only as the strength of the emotions subside that you will able to begin a more "rational" focus towards genuine healing. There can be a lot of fighting. This is a time to consider attending a workshop, seminar or marital counselling if you haven't already started.

6 months 1 year: Facing the issues:

By now you should have allowed yourself to grieve, you have moved through the denial, and allowed yourself to have some anger and some sadness.There will be ups and downs. It's a roller coaster. Don't be discouraged by days when you feel like quitting. This is normal. Reach out for help and support. Work on thinking and seeing things clearly in truth, rather than believing the "untrue" thoughts that lead to the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

1 year Shaking sadness seeking to understand:

If you've had good help and done the work, you will be in a much better place. Things won't be quite back to normal yet, but you see and feel normality for days at a time. Trust has not been restored 100%, but overall you may be functioning quite well in life again and able to resume normal work & responsibilities. It still hurts some days, but, there is no longer the knife jabbing, life stopping, depressing, pain. Rather there is more a sadness, and a feeling like you need to cry for what you lost. There is still an ache but there is also love

2 years:

Experts generally agree this is a minimum time period for a couple to be completely healed. It can take much longer. Particularly when work commitments mean you are unable to maintain UA of 15+ hours a week.By now you actually go for days without thinking about the affair and when you do, it is with a sense of distance. Triggers are few and far between and you feel more comfortable with sharing them with your spouse without feeling a need to punish them by sharing it.

Please, give yourself and your WS time. Time to grieve the 'old marriage', time to heal, time to fall in love again. Recovery is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and some of the most rewarding.



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise, you're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #69869
02/15/11 05:55 AM
02/15/11 05:55 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
M
maple Offline
Member
maple  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
Thanks for this excellent post Lil - it is just what I needed to read at the moment.

We are just past our 1 yr recovery point and my emotions/thoughts have been all over the map lately with a higher than normal occurrence of triggers. I have been thinking a lot about trust, sometimes doubting my ability to do the work needed, and generally feeling I have fallen off the path to healing. With all the endless ups and downs, at times it seems healing and recovery are taking too long and that we have not being successful in mending/growing our relationship.

Having the recovery time line laid out, helps me know that I am on the correct path but just hitting a little dip in the road.




Me: 43, STBXH: 43
2 DD: 7 & 5

Together: 17 Married: 10
Jan 2010- Piecing
Feb 2013 - Separated
Re: Surprise, you're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #69882
02/15/11 08:07 AM
02/15/11 08:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 134
M
MariaK Offline
Member
MariaK  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 134
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
1 year Shaking sadness seeking to understand:
If you've had good help and done the work, you will be in a much better place. Things won't be quite back to normal yet, but you see and feel normality for days at a time. Trust has not been restored 100%, but overall you may be functioning quite well in life again and able to resume normal work & responsibilities. It still hurts some days, but, there is no longer the knife jabbing, life stopping, depressing, pain. Rather there is more a sadness, and a feeling like you need to cry for what you lost. There is still an ache but there is also love


This is where I am. Where we are. The last 4 months he quit his one job and we finally have time together, our healing seems to happen faster since.

Thanks lil for the post.
M


Recovering from infidelity

Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: MariaK] #70071
02/15/11 07:55 PM
02/15/11 07:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
I wrote this because I remembered how hard it was to find info about the healing process when I was going thru it. The info was there, but very scattered.

When someone asked about stages of recovery elsewhere on MA, it reminded me that I hadn't done it yet.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #70455
02/16/11 01:08 PM
02/16/11 01:08 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,542
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,542
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
I wrote this because I remembered how hard it was to find info about the healing process when I was going thru it. The info was there, but very scattered.

When someone asked about stages of recovery elsewhere on MA, it reminded me that I hadn't done it yet.


Great article, Lil. Thanks for posting it here.

Another idea is an article describing the differences between being in "recoverY" and being "recoverED" after infidelity. A former poster on MB did a comparison a long time ago but I can't seem to find it.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Ace] #70760
02/17/11 12:02 AM
02/17/11 12:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
I just did a quick search and found THIS article.

While it seems to be about how long it takes to get over losing someone, I did think this point was adaptable to the BS recovery situation:

Quote:
Recovered means you think occasionally of the person, but they no longer remain an influencing factor on your emotions, decisions or life. You will no longer avoid events because he or she might be there. You no longer dread running into him or her unexpectedly. You will no longer talk about her or him to dates unless specifically asked. You no longer dwell.


I'll keep looking around and see if I can find the one your after. More info would be helpful wink


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #98591
04/26/11 07:51 PM
04/26/11 07:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Some useful, additional information regarding the 5 year recovery mark can be found on this thread


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #107217
05/17/11 05:17 PM
05/17/11 05:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline
Member
SunnyD  Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
I can't believe I am just now finding this - thanks to Our House directing me here.

GREAT article, Lil! I'm just at the 6 month mark and have felt a little off about things the past few weeks: resurfaced anger and hurt, etc.... I like the time line definitions.


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #135426
07/15/11 04:46 PM
07/15/11 04:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 94
Florida
wildwoodflower Offline
Member
wildwoodflower  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 94
Florida
Originally Posted By: lildoggie


While the steps of progression are not universal or the same for everyone, initially when you first enter into recovery, your primary emotion is going to be relief. Relief that it is finally 'all over'. Relief that things can 'get back to normal'. There may be a period of 'hysterical bonding' between you and your WS. Often this is manifested in the form of frequent sex, far in excess of what may have been 'normal' pre infidelity. There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are 'rewarding' the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build. For some BS's it is a way of 'reclaiming' the WS, or 'overwriting' the OP from the WS's memories. Hysterical bonding may not happen for you, some BS's find it takes time before they desire intimacy with their WS. This is completely normal and has no relation as to the possible success or failure of your recovery.

3 6 months: Beginning to work on the issues:

You may be ready to begin to deal with the core issues that led to the affair and trying to adjust to this new reality emotionally. The first 6 months are usually dominated by the emotions, and it's only as the strength of the emotions subside that you will able to begin a more "rational" focus towards genuine healing. There can be a lot of fighting. This is a time to consider attending a workshop, seminar or marital counselling if you haven't already started.

Please, give yourself and your WS time. Time to grieve the 'old marriage', time to heal, time to fall in love again. Recovery is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and some of the most rewarding.



Another very useful post, I have been finding so many today. We are defiently partaking in hysterical bonding. At first I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I'm so relived to hear that it is normal for some people.

Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #147259
08/17/11 04:02 PM
08/17/11 04:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 37
Canada
F
Forest Mama Offline
Member
Forest Mama  Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 37
Canada
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
There may be a period of 'hysterical bonding' between you and your WS. Often this is manifested in the form of frequent sex, far in excess of what may have been 'normal' pre infidelity. There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other.


I'm fascinated by what you wrote here. I didn't know it had a name. It happened to me once and I'd love to read more about it. I never understood it except as some form of "mania" that seemed almost pathologic in its (brief) intensity.

Sorry to hijack the thread. If you have any more info about this could you start a thread or just PM me some info, if you like. Many thanks!



Me 43. H 46. Two kids ('02, and '04), oldest has Asperger's Syndrome, youngest high-functioning autistic. M 10 years, T 11.5. Headed for divorce in Aug '11; now on the path to rebuilding our marriage thanks to MA!
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Forest Mama] #204989
02/06/12 07:33 PM
02/06/12 07:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Vittoria Offline
Member
Vittoria  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
bumped for Crush


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Vittoria] #205367
02/07/12 06:01 PM
02/07/12 06:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 210
Canada
Crushed Offline
Member
Crushed  Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 210
Canada
Thank you Vittoria for bumping up this thread. It jumped right out at me.

I too needed to see some kind of time-line. Of course every R is different, but it is so helpful to compare and relate. I can also clearly see that the road is long and I had better learn to be patient at this 2-month mark. I'd love to fast-forward my life to escape the pain of now, but then we wouldn't be growing would we?



"Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
_Mark Twain
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Crushed] #205396
02/07/12 07:43 PM
02/07/12 07:43 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
I saw this about guilt vs remorse -

Shot thru the heart.
source: Blog at Wordpress.com
Guilt vs. Remorse
H doesnt understand the definition of the word remorse and even though I have told him what it is, he still doesnt seem to understand. So, with the help of some friends, here is what I gathered..
Guilt is a common emotion but can create unhappiness and depression. There is an important difference between remorse and guilt. Guilt is an emotion experienced when you think the following ways: I have done something that I should not have done or failed to do something I should have done. My actions fall short of my moral standards, and violate my concept of fair, decent behavior. This bad behavior, proves I am a bad person. The idea of yourself as bad is central to guilt. Without it, your hurtful action may lead to a healthy feeling of remorse or regret, but not guilt.
Remorse comes from an undistorted awareness that you fully acted in a hurtful manner towards someone, in a way which violated your personal ethical standards. Remorse carries no implication that your actions prove you are inherently bad, evil or immoral. It can direct you to take steps to change that hurtful behavior. Guilt usually paralyzes you from positive action. Remorse or regret is aimed at the behavior that was done. Guilt is targeted towards your self.
Guilt fuels self-destructive attitudes. Remorse fuels constructive action. Recognize what guilt is, and the difference between it and remorse. The payoff is that you will feel better about yourself and life.
Remorse is feeling bad about ones actions AND taking steps to heal any damage your actions caused another person AND healing yourself so you never take those actions again.
Remorse is I got caught, it was my choice to act that way, and Im going to do all I can to fix what ever damage I caused, and never do this again
Remorse is signified by selfless behavior.
Remorse is taking responsibility for ones horrific actions. No blame-shifting. No minimizing. No forgetting. No controlling the exchange of information.
Remorse is empathy in the face of your pain.
Remorse is seeing real pain at your pain. Its connection. It is not control. Its not arrogant.
Remorse is humility.
Remorse is sorrow.
Remorse is open and willing.
The other key aspect is that one can experience remorse that is never seen by the person they hurt. If the way remorse is communicated is not in the language desired by the person whom they harmed, it will never be acknowledged. For example, buying someone whose Apology Language is Acts of Service a dozen roses will do little. But picking up needed groceries without being asked will go a long, long way.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: believer] #205426
02/07/12 09:37 PM
02/07/12 09:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 210
Canada
Crushed Offline
Member
Crushed  Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 210
Canada
Good article. I am glad to have a clearer understanding of the differences. I've heard the word "guilt" a lot lately. Remorse is what I would like to hear. Not in a punishing way, but as an acknowledgement of the brokenness that I feel.

Lots of pain in this thread. Guess that's why we're here.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
_Mark Twain
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Crushed] #219291
03/30/12 02:26 AM
03/30/12 02:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Originally Posted By: FireandIce





Hang in there girl!!!!

Here's your trigger post. You keep on trucking, because you are doing fine. That rollercoaster you are on is NORMAL. The idea that it is up and down is NORMAL. Just hang on, ride it out, and you stay the course.






Triggers. Yeah. BTDT.

Here is what you need to do. First, you recognize them as what they are:

1. Triggers are not happening now, they are REMINDERS of previous events.
2. Triggers can be attributed to a variety of events in the physical or emotional world (for example, movies, places, smells, sounds).
3. Triggers are the result of a MENTAL/COGNITIVE connection and do not necessarily HAVE to lead to an emotional response.


Please note number 3.

Understanding the three concepts about triggers will actually help you control your response to them. I used these ideas to help me (still do).

Let's say I am triggered by a place. I will use my real-world trigger, which is a road in town.

I drive into town to go to Office Depot. I turn onto the street and immediately begin to trigger (#1) because I am reminded that OW lives on the same road (#2). The place has given me the reminder of the affair, and the connection has been made to the emotions - all of them!!! - of the d-day, and the fallout of the affair, right?

Now, here's where #3 comes into play.

I say to myself:

"This is a trip to Office Depot. The affair happened X number of months ago, and this is now my personal RECLAMATION of this place in town. This activity is now for the purpose of office supply shopping, and NOT for affair-related memories or emotions - PERIOD. I am not emotionally attached at this time, this is office supply time."

I repeat this as much as I need to, in order to tell my brain that this is office supply time, and to reclaim the place and this area of the road. I repeat it calmly, and with a business-like manner. I might even prepare myself in advance, and do this trip with the expressed purpose of reclamation of the triggering place.


If a trigger blindsides me, I can still use the self-talk. I can stop, and tell myself that the affair took place back at another point in time. I can also tell myself that I do recognize the emotion that is being triggered is "X", but that it is not necessary at this time to fully extend myself into that emotion. To recognize the triggering of that emotion is enough, to know it is there is enough, but to immerse myself in it and to empathize with that feeling right now is NOT NEEDED. I also tell myself that I will, in fact, allow myself time at a specific time later to "experience" the feeling (and I say the time!).

Believe it or not, this has worked.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #243385
06/27/12 07:48 PM
06/27/12 07:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 50
Texas
Dusty Offline
Member
Dusty  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 50
Texas
Great thread and just on time. I always heard when you are ready to learn the teacher will appear.

I feel we are on the cusp of R, but kept having triggers that continually threw a monkey wrench into things. Reading the suggestions by FireandIce really help. It gives me something concrete I can do to help myself and my marriage. I specifically liked #3

The time line, while not exact in terms of time for us, is helpful in that it is correct for us in terms of meaning for each stage. Whew! It's like finding a road sign after being lost for ages and ages. You can see there is a way home now. Thank you for that lil.

Last edited by Dusty; 06/27/12 07:51 PM.


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Dusty] #243671
06/28/12 09:23 PM
06/28/12 09:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,039
lost rabbit Offline
Member
lost rabbit  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,039
Im nearly two years into recovery, the thing Im finding hardest is dealing with the mess of finances that H created, mostly by moving out and then being outta work for nine months..

It triggers me that he spent our money on his stupidty and now we are still trying to pay these bills off..

Ironically this evening when I mentioned how much in rent he had paid instead of paying off a bill which is becoming quite complicated it was the first time he clearly told me how much the rent had been.. a waste of 3k but at least I know how much he wasted now not sure if that will help I have yet to see?



Once was lost but now found and happily married!

The story
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/34625/Where_do_I_go

Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: lost rabbit] #243732
06/29/12 04:47 AM
06/29/12 04:47 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
Member
flowmom  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
Slow climb out of the hole, huh LR? (((Hugs))) . It is frustrating how much ground can be lost when a person makes choices like that. In a family, others bear the consequences as well.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: flowmom] #244925
07/04/12 01:01 PM
07/04/12 01:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Vittoria Offline
Member
Vittoria  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
D-day was Aug.08, true recovery started Jan.09.
I wrote the following on another board Dec.09, about a year and 4 months after d-day.

"okay so how is recovery going for V .......

I thought I would look back to see where I was at a year ago. This is the closest post written to this present date.
This is from Dec.25 last year. How great was my Christmas Day.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: V
OK, this is where I am at.

A polygraph is booked for the near future(after much shopping around found one for half the price of my original quote )

At present there is a letter in the postal system addressed to the questionable postal box I believe he has. It has a return receipt on it so I will know if it gets delivered.....thank you Jim Flint ! Who knows, the # that I found could have been completely unrelated. Time will tell.

Have been meeting EN's but still feeling like I am a '2 faced person'

Pretty good at knocking out the LB's (lovebusters)....did have 1, only 1 last week when I asked for a boundary to be in place and that was met with resistance from WH

Have truly focused on my own progress not his

Now, I did not want to tell my H today about the poly, but will have to tell him quickly because the time is approaching.
I need suggestions as to how to approach this in the most non love busting way, although I know it will seem to him like a huge LB


So, I can't believe how far we have come, but yet I know that we still have a ways to go.

What's in check .... UA (undivided attention) is good, we easily exceed 25 hrs./week, aside from work related duties, which cuts into that time.

H is very good at recognizing when our UA is down, not necessarily in hrs., just a general feeling of lack of UA. He is the one that will point this out and find something extra for us to do. It may just be a trip to do errands together and share a coffee and a treat, but it works.

I am much better with not DJing (Disrespectful Judgements), (I had this one down pat btw!). Instead of blurting one out, I take the time to think before I speak now. H is also very good
at pointing them out to me .... he hasn't done that for a long long time, so this is good too.

Hiccups ...... H slides sometimes with IB (Independent Behaviour), not very often, but a short while back there seemed to be a few right in row. When these happen, I trigger BIG time.

It's not so much the specific IB, which btw aren't related to any suspicions of an A, it's just IB in general. It takes me back to his thinking of 'I will do what I
want to do cuz I deserve it'.

I seem to analyze these IB more, sometimes I wonder if they really are IB or it's just me feeling insecure. I think the feeling of insecure will take quite a bit of
time to dwindle away. There is a knot inside, minute but still present, that says I can't feel safe. H lied for many years, I won't forget that.

Some days .... I just don't care, I don't want to work at anything, I'm tired. This is usually when I'm triggered.
We do talk these issues out, not always at the time they occur cuz of my emotions or the situation that we're in, (other people around) and H is receptive
to my RH (Radical Honesty) and how I feel.

IB was a huge normal for him, he has made a tremendous effort and I do see the change.

Boundaries ..... I had them before but I enforced them with DJ's, not good. I am learning to enforce them with RH without DJ's or SD (Selfish Demands). Amazingly that works, who would've thunk?

The part that I had the hardest time with, was finally accepting that I have no right to want to make him do anything. I wanted to control his behavior, to protect myself from it. I wanted him to think like me, cuz I knew that I was right and he was wrong. The thing was though, in his mind, he was right and I was needy. Through MB (seminar and lessons) H realizes now that his actions, not just the A, were not caring and protective.

H had to come to these realizations on his own, with the help of MB of course.

The difference I see now is this, mine and his efforts are sincere and not short lived. We can actually work things out without the other leaving the conversation feeling lousy or short changed.

I don't think of the A everyday, far from it. I can think of the OW as just that, the OW. Would I run over her if I had the chance ... probably, but she certainly isn't an obsession.

I feel well on my way to personal recovery, but I can see marital R taking longer. I'm hoping that this is the way it is supposed to go.

We stumble, we get back up. There are less steps backwards each day.

I love my H, he is such a good man, and I love that I finally know that he loves me too! "

Edited (in blue) the meaning of some MB terms for those not familiar with them.

Last edited by star*fish; 07/05/12 05:17 AM. Reason: privacy

26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Vittoria] #244930
07/04/12 01:29 PM
07/04/12 01:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
Member
Squeaky Tree  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
ahhh, nice post to recall Vitt....shows the work involved thumbsup


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Squeaky Tree] #244934
07/04/12 01:47 PM
07/04/12 01:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Vittoria Offline
Member
Vittoria  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Yes, lots of work! ST, I found that in the thread where we all used colours with our posts, remember that one .... prettiest thread over there in that forum! Lots of fun mixed in with all our heartaches. Thank you for all of your support, I've been reading your contributions as I'm sifting through that thread.


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Vittoria] #244942
07/04/12 03:32 PM
07/04/12 03:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,542
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,542
Wow, thanks for sharing that, V.

I just updated my Recovery Thread with the latest but decided to post the following here relating to WHEN our recovery started.

Then W?H changed to FWH during the call I/we made to the MB radio station on January 31, 2007. Mrs. Harley was surprised when Dr. H suggested that I give OW a week to confess and that I should tell her BH about the A if she didn't during the week. Mrs. H asked what my W?H thought about that and H said emphatically "I'll do anything to help Ace heal." Mrs. H said that those are the best words any BS could want to hear.

Looking back, that's when our recovery started, but I didn't realize it at the time.

Ace


Last edited by Fiddler; 04/19/14 02:45 PM. Reason: edit per poster's request

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Ace] #264680
11/15/12 03:23 AM
11/15/12 03:23 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
I saw this today, and thought it belonged here -

"I am betrayed, wounded to the core. I am now responsible for my own healing. The energy I sense through the cracks in my broken heart is my own vitality and I choose how and with whom to share it. It starts with healing me and that will take time as well. I don't know how long, but until I begin to feel safe and secure with you, I am unwilling to be as open and vulnerable with you as I have been. Take back the wounding knife you gave me - take it back now ... I pray you will do everything in your power to find peace with what you have done and omitted to do. You are responsible for your own healing and for deciding the apology and amends you are willing to share with me. Together we can heal this mess and re-work our relationship. Alone we cannot. Since no one ever showed us, we don't know how to do this but we can find out. We can ask, we can read, we can seek help. We are not the only ones to have gone though this. You and I can build as secure a relationship as anyone can in this crazy world, one in which we both learn anew how to love and respect each other. I accept that you may not choose to do any of this and I may come to a place where I also do not choose us, no matter how much more grief that may give me.

With or without you, impossible as it might seem now, I will grow to forgive you and myself and maybe one day, grow to thank you for shattering the beliefs I held unexamined for so long. With these gifts I grow stronger and clearer, more fearless and tender. In a sense I have nothing left to loose. So, for the time being let us be kind to each other and begin the healing"

http://peterfox.com.au/fidelity_1.html



"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: believer] #264718
11/15/12 08:21 AM
11/15/12 08:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
I wish I had read that 5 years ago.

Thanx, B


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Surprise! You're in recovery. Now what? [Re: Lil] #265583
11/23/12 03:04 AM
11/23/12 03:04 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
This is written from the WS wanting the help the BS perspective

Quote:
THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It cant be true. They dont believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and dont want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but cant seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: Oh my God. It really happened. They feel theyre getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. Its as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and theyre buried beneath them. They dont know where to turn, or cant. Dont discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of being irrational or acting crazy. Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: Theyre disoriented. They cant think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they cant remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain triggers. (Note: Read more about triggers below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise but dont nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you dont cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If theyre not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. Its a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your couplehood.

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to get it all out. Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best general use tool you have in your repair kit. That is why youll see many more references below. Read Apologize in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So dont be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, its beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that youre still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover dont match the story you tell, theyll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that youll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, Why did you do this? They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I cant stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question Why? over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel its all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a revenge affair.
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a not guilty verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no justice that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read Share your feelings of guilt and shame in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didnt give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they dont ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. Theyll know if you arent, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know the more they can repeat the complete story the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and messed it up. Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They havent found new ones yet and dont seem interested in finding any. They feel theyre not coping with grief right or they feel they should be healing faster. They dont understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you dont or cant fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances theyre doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, dont be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Dont be surprised if they redirect much of the anger thats really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. Its actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until theyve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger. The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain. The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like theyre caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that youre sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouses waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Dont ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be over it because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time even decades later. They will NEVER be over it. They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship over time.


Here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing5
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463397Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.026s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 3.4229 MB (Peak: 3.8633 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-12-04 13:36:10 UTC