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Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #353651
07/02/14 02:54 AM
07/02/14 02:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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New Zealand
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink andwhile
he's drinking it the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced
limesand eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the
pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little [Bleep!]. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all."

The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again.
He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar
again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the
cherry sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" responds the patron.

"Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he
measures everything first."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #357059
07/21/14 04:56 PM
07/21/14 04:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,505
Amadahy Offline
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The "guns on boats" thread makes me think of this poem every time I see the subject line.

Cows with Guns

Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun

They eat to grow, they grow to die
They die to be eaten at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone, in the herd.
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the stakes were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die...
Cows with guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonald's, have it your way

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

The President said "Enough is Enough!
These uppity cattle, it's time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
They chewed their last hay
Cows out-gunned

The order was given, turn cows to Whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon, surrounding the shoppers
Came the deafening roar, of chickens, in choppers!

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Amadahy] #368167
11/14/14 11:08 PM
11/14/14 11:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Fiddler] #368176
11/15/14 02:58 AM
11/15/14 02:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
laugh1


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: AntigoneRisen] #368191
11/15/14 02:50 PM
11/15/14 02:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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peppermint Offline
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Carolina Blue Heaven
thumbsup. I love math humor......

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: peppermint] #376977
02/21/15 01:36 AM
02/21/15 01:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Fiddler] #377594
02/27/15 02:57 AM
02/27/15 02:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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New Zealand
A QUIZ FOR OUR VERY BRIGHT MEMBERS

There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything. These are not trick questions - they are straight questions with straight answers...
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

6. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

7. Name the only vegetable AND fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

8. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'



Click to reveal..

ANSWERS TO QUIZ:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls ... The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

6. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

7. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce & Watermelon

8. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #377595
02/27/15 03:01 AM
02/27/15 03:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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New Zealand
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch.

The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said, 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"

today'sTHOT=============================

Whosoever shall look lustfully at eggs and bacon, he has already committed breakfast in his heart.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #377596
02/27/15 03:01 AM
02/27/15 03:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department
suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to
interview him.

Agent: "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you
pay them."

Farmer: "All right. I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay
him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six
months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

Agent (scribbling on note pad): "Anybody else?"

Farmer: "Yeah, there's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I
pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

Agent: "Aha! I want to talk to that half-wit!"

Farmer: "You're talkin' to him."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #377597
02/27/15 03:02 AM
02/27/15 03:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
HOW TO WRITE GOODER

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) 4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?

today'sTHOT=============================

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

========================================


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #381990
04/24/15 04:29 AM
04/24/15 04:29 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
THE WILDEST CHRISTMAS DINNER

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.

This won first prize.

CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said , trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decided the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #381994
04/24/15 04:50 AM
04/24/15 04:50 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,468
right here waiting Offline
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Good one, Lil! Did you this one yourself? Sounds like you...

Miss you, girl.

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #381995
04/24/15 04:54 AM
04/24/15 04:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
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Orchid2 Offline
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I'm glad I read that joke when I wasn't eating or drinking. LOL!!!!

Hilarious.

Thanks Lil smile


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #382002
04/24/15 09:45 AM
04/24/15 09:45 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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New Zealand
No. I googled myself and for some reason this came up and I thought it was funny.

I miss MA but my work is erratic and so most of the time I only get a few minutes to do something.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #382013
04/24/15 03:19 PM
04/24/15 03:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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PEEKSKILL NY
Originally Posted By: Lil
No. I googled myself and for some reason this came up and I thought it was funny.

I miss MA but my work is erratic and so most of the time I only get a few minutes to do something.

We miss you too! smile smile smile

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #382025
04/24/15 04:53 PM
04/24/15 04:53 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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Always gives me a smile when I see you online. Wish you well!

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #382059
04/25/15 01:54 AM
04/25/15 01:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 358
Pacific Northwest-US
johnstwin Offline
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Pacific Northwest-US
Here's a fun one:

Marine Recruit sends a letter home-

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, theres warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. Its no wonder these city boys cant walk much.

We go on route marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A route march is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They dont bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I dont know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and dont move. And it aint shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You dont even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It aint like fighting with that ole bull at home. Im about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But Im only 56″ and 130 pounds and hes 68″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

Last edited by johnstwin; 04/25/15 01:54 AM.

"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: johnstwin] #382067
04/25/15 05:04 AM
04/25/15 05:04 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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Ha! Punch line got me!

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #382135
04/28/15 01:29 AM
04/28/15 01:29 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Girls, whenever a guy says he doesn't wear a condom, look him in the eye, smile really big, start crying, and tell him how happy you are that he wants to have children with you.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: AntigoneRisen] #382694
05/07/15 12:37 AM
05/07/15 12:37 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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peppermint Offline
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Joke of the day in my local online newspaper:

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: peppermint] #382705
05/07/15 03:54 AM
05/07/15 03:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
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Orchid2 Offline
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Originally Posted By: peppermint
Joke of the day in my local online newspaper:

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.


I like this one. laugh1

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Orchid2] #382961
05/10/15 12:41 AM
05/10/15 12:41 AM
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Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Women, if you want to strike fear in the heart of your man, just smile really big and ask, "Notice anything different?"


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: AntigoneRisen] #383148
05/12/15 01:48 AM
05/12/15 01:48 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 358
Pacific Northwest-US
johnstwin Offline
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Pacific Northwest-US
HA!


"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440092
11/27/18 08:48 AM
11/27/18 08:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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New Zealand
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440093
11/27/18 11:00 AM
11/27/18 11:00 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
Oh Lil', I'm so glad u r back with your puns. lol


Orchid
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