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Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS #45014
01/05/11 03:30 AM
01/05/11 03:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline OP
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SunnyD  Offline OP
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When a BS needs to be convinced to pull away from his or her WS, it can be very difficult to do so. The panic a BS feels usually leads to doing the opposite – trying to win the WS over in various ways. The following post is a way to hopefully get the BS to understand why pulling away is in the best interest of not only personal recovery, but possible marital recovery as well.

First you have to think of a relationship - how one falls in love and out of love, in the following sense:

On the far left side you have Independence. On the far right side, you have Dependence. In the middle is Inter-dependence all balanced on a fulcrum because our state of being is never static, it's always changing. When two people in a couple are both in "Inter-Dependence" mode, the fulcrum (like a teeter totter) is evenly balanced. This balance is affected by various things (to be discussed momentarily.) It looks something like this:

INDEPENDENCE ..... INTER-DEPENDENCE ..... DEPENDENCE
A - A - F ---------- --------------------------- --------- I - S - O


SIDENOTE: Not perfect, but will do!

In terms of the above relationship model, Dependence means you need a specific person in your life for you to continue your existence. You feel you would die without them. Conversely, Independence is having no need for the other person under consideration.

In our lives, we consider a person who lives in a state of dependence as being immature - like babies or toddlers. In adults we do not find that attractive at all! We pity people who are too needy or desperate. An independent person can exist without any one source or person. Ideally, we should all experience independence as a single adult, able to take care of ourselves. THEN we should go on to find someone to share our lives with.

When we find a partner, we find that we move towards Interdependence (in a mutually exclusive relationship) because of Attraction, Acceptance, and Fulfillment. We are attracted to others based on physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual traits. We then seek acceptance as we want the other person to "love us for who we are" as we drop the masks we all tend to wear. Then, as the relationship grows, we fulfill each other's most important emotional needs. (And live happily ever after, right?!)

Inter-dependence is when you CHOOSE to be dependent on the other person and not that you will die without him or her. In inter-dependence, if the other person ceases to exist or goes away, the other will grieve and mourn, but does not fear that he or she too will cease to exist. Inter-dependence requires emotional maturity while dependence represents emotional immaturity.

Sometimes, however, an unhealthy balance begins to set in. If one party becomes too dependent, several things happen: ISO: Isolation (focusing on that one person to exclusion of others; Sole source of fulfillment (this person becomes your life); and Obsession (You believe you cannot exist without the other person).

Once this dependence sets in, the fear of being unable to survive without the loved person causes the dependent person to do anything they can to keep the loved person. This usually happens with the LBS. The panic sets in and reactions to pulling away are based on fear.

Another unhealthy balance is when one spouse moves from Inter-dependence back towards Independence. (The wayward)

Just as falling in love is a process, falling out of love is also a process. When a person moves backward through the stages from Inter-dependence to Independence (from Fulfillment, Acceptance, and then Attraction) love starts to diminish. Now: companion love may still exist or may die out as well, but passionate love goes away as we lose AAF. This is done because of love busters committed and not meeting each other's needs. The fulfillment wanes, the WS starts to feel not accepted, and then loses attraction. Sometimes this is seen through a lot of fighting, other times through distancing – living separate lives.

Unfortunately, often the LBS seeing the wayward move towards independence, wishes to save the marriage and does the exact wrong thing: he or she moves more towards dependence: clinging, focusing on the WS, displaying their grief and pain to WS. These actions propel the WS faster in his or her departure towards independence. They feel trapped and just want to get away! (Like my puppies feel when you try to make them sit still in your lap!)

The RIGHT thing for a LBS to do in saving the marriage is to move quickly towards independence as well. The LBS doesn't move to independence in emotions at times, but must in actions. Of course the LBS still feels grief and pain, but there is a difference between experiencing grief and displaying grief.

Let grief out when loss is final. Control it when loss can still be turned into gain.

Why does the LBS moving towards independence work to draw a wayward back? It's simple if you remember the process of falling in love. First, you must quit the immature behaviors of Dependence. Remember: people only pity dependent adults - they do not respect them. Without respect, they cannot fall back in love with that person. Second, you have to employ the things that start the process towards falling back in love: AAF: You start showing yourself as Attractive. This entails not only making yourself the most physically attractive you can be, but emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually as well. The BS demonstrating he or she can function independent of the WS is VERY attractive as it shows you know your own worth. Most importantly, this will help the BS heal, with or without the WS.

You provide Acceptance - not of their bad behavior (infidelity or whatever else) but of their right to decide their own lives and accepting that they have chosen to walk away at that point.

Then there is Fulfillment: as the person moves back through Attraction and Acceptance, he or she starts looking toward Fulfillment of getting needs met. At this point - the point of reconciliation - is when the LBS would start meeting the needs of the WS again (AND the WS of the LBS).

It all goes back to the balance. Since a WS is moving from Inter-dependence to Independence, the LBS must move from Dependence towards Independence to adjust for the fulcrum.

What most of us find hard is the Acceptance part of this. How do you show the WS you accept the decisions made and he or she as a person without accepting their bad behavior? Well: you give them what they asked for, which is to be free. Yet, you also provide the consequences of that. The consequences are that they ARE free and YOU also have a right to move on. You DON'T allow cake-eating, for instance. You accept what they say and don't minimize it. You act respectfully towards them (no longer showing anger or hurt) in interactions. Because you accept their feelings and decisions, you are "moving on," not having much to say other than being polite and to the point.

I hope this is written in a way that makes sense and helps. The info is a combination of what I learned from reading Dobson and the model from what I learned at the New Beginnings marriage seminar weekend (which included Dr. Harley's works). This was at the base of why I was able to pull away from H during the times I wanted to hang on more tightly.

For clarification, I hoped to (above) emphasize why pulling away from the Wayward does have a way of pulling them toward you since most LBS's have a hard time reasoning that stance. It doesn't feel natural. It is meant as a psychological overview. Plan B/Protection Phase/Going Dark/Letting Go are all different ways of moving the LBS from Dependence towards Independence. Each of those methods has variances in which different people see different merits and reasoning.

In determining the right course of action for a specific situation, it is important to view each aspect of the marriage and what has gone on before. Then, it is up to the individual to decide the specifics for themselves based on advice given, etc... That choice should never be made on fear, and always based on self-respect.

Last edited by lildoggie; 06/17/11 07:01 PM. Reason: by request of OP
Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: SunnyD] #45238
01/05/11 05:44 PM
01/05/11 05:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline OP
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SunnyD  Offline OP
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Posts: 2,211
For clarification I wanted to add something: in posting the above LONG explanation, I hoped to emphasize why pulling away from the Wayward does have a way of pulling them toward you since most LBS's have a hard time reasoning that stance. It doesn't feel natural. It is meant as a scientific/psychological overview. Plan B/Protection Phase/Going Dark/Letting Go are all different ways of moving the LBS from Dependence towards Independence. Each one of those methods have variances in which different people see different merits and reasonings. Having said that, they are all similar in nature.

In determining the right course of action for a specific situation, it is important to view each aspect of the marriage and what has gone on before. Then, it is up to the individual to decide the specifics for themselves based on advice given, etc... (That choice should never be made on fear but that's another story.)

Last edited by SunnyD; 01/05/11 05:44 PM.
Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: SunnyD] #74354
02/25/11 01:52 PM
02/25/11 01:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 989
Soleil Offline
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Soleil  Offline
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Originally Posted By: SunnyD
What most of us find hard is the Acceptance part of this. How do you show the person you accept their decision and he or she as a person without accepting their bad behavior? Well: you give them what they asked for, which is to be free. Yet, you also provide the consequences of that. The consequences are that they ARE free and YOU also have a right to move on. You DON'T allow cake-eating, for instance. You accept what they say and don't minimize it. You act respectfully towards them (no longer showing anger or hurt) in interactions but because you accept their feelings and decisions, but since you are "moving on," you don't have much to say other than being polite and to the point.


Excellent post, Sunny smile

Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: Soleil] #74366
02/25/11 02:49 PM
02/25/11 02:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline OP
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SunnyD  Offline OP
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Thanks, Soleil!

I wish I could go back and edit some things to make them clearer, but can't in this case. (And some typos! lol)

I might also expand on the falling out of love process and on the Attraction part of falling back in love. Some people take that to just mean physical attraction. While that is part of it, you also have to become attractive in other ways, i.e. showing self respect.

Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: SunnyD] #75103
02/27/11 08:12 PM
02/27/11 08:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,525
Ace Offline
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Ace  Offline
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Posts: 3,525
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
.
On the far left side you have Independence. On the far right side, you have Dependence. In the middle is Inter-dependence - and it is all balanced on a fulcrum because our state of being is never static, it's always changing. When two people in a couple are both in "Inter-Dependence" mode, the fulcrum (like a teeter totter) is evenly balanced. This balance is affected by various things (to be discussed momentarily.) Let's see if I can type up the illustration:

INDEPENDENCE ..... INTER-DEPENDENCE ..... DEPENDENCE
A - A - F ---------- --------------------------- --------- I - S - O

SIDENOTE: No matter how many times I edit the above, it STILL is not coming out as I want it to, darn it!!!

In terms of the above relationship model, Dependence means you need a specific person in your life for you to continue your existence. You feel you would die without them. Coversely, Independence is having no need for the other person under consideration.



We we find a partner, we find that we move towards Interdependence (in a mutually exclusive relationship) because of AAF: Attraction, Acceptance, and Fulfillment.

Inter-dependence is when you CHOOSE to be dependent on the other person and not that you will die without him or her. In inter-dependence, if the other person ceases to exist or goes away, the other will grieve and mourn, but does not fear that he or she too will cease to exist. Inter-dependence requires emotional maturity while dependence represents emotional immaturity.

Sometimes, however, an unhealthy balance begins to set in. If one party becomes too dependent, several things happen: ISO: Isolation (focusing on that one person to exclusion of others; Sole source of fulfillment (this person becomes your life); and Obsession (You believe you cannot exist without the other person).



Great post, Sunny. Is my variation closer to what you were trying to illustrate?

Just click the "Quote" button below and you'll see that I inserted periods and used the white color feature to make them disappear.

You can alter the diagram to fit your model.

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: Ace] #75200
02/27/11 11:30 PM
02/27/11 11:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline OP
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SunnyD  Offline OP
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Yes, MUCH better Ace!

Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: Ace] #122093
06/16/11 07:39 PM
06/16/11 07:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline OP
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SunnyD  Offline OP
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Posts: 2,211
Deleted - was working on edited version of above....

Last edited by SunnyD; 06/17/11 06:07 PM.
Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: SunnyD] #210328
02/23/12 01:52 AM
02/23/12 01:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
This thread has been published as an article on the main site.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Pulling Away from WS to Draw Their Hearts Back Towards You, the LBS [Re: SunnyD] #210345
02/23/12 02:25 AM
02/23/12 02:25 AM
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flowmom Offline
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I miss Sunny! I hope she's living happily ever after smile


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6

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