Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 3 guests, and 23 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Blog People2
2.Welcome Aboard, New Members!1
3.Happy Halloween!0
4.Site Maintenance This Evening0
5.MA Member Poll: Showing Forum Moderators0
6.Salute to Veterans0
7.MA Member Poll: How do you browse MA content?0
8.Grinch Box Announcement _ Don't be a grinch0
9.Happy Thanksgiving!!!0
10.MA Member Poll: Site Articles0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443137
06/07/19 06:26 PM
06/07/19 06:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
It's one thing to neglect, that can be recognized and fixed. It's another thing to betray. That becomes history and while it never goes away (like a scar) if a person repents and repairs themselves (with the aid of other good sources and people), they can heal and become a valuable family member again.

Until your wife does the work to repair her betrayal (aka: stop being a WS), she is betraying all of you with her A and right now she is doing it blatantly.

You can take copies of all communications regarding the A. Keep a journal about events. It keeps the reality of it current so you don't get schmoozed into a false recovery.


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443144
06/07/19 10:27 PM
06/07/19 10:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
Your wife's affair is a gaping hole in your leg. Stop the bleeding before you move to stick a bandaid on it. You can't fix her affair. You can't nice her into fixing it. She has to own all of it and end the affair first.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443147
06/08/19 01:55 AM
06/08/19 01:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
Wow.... she it owned completely and wants to stay and work on the marriage.

Last edited by 13defroad; 06/08/19 01:55 AM.
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443148
06/08/19 02:18 AM
06/08/19 02:18 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
Originally Posted by 13defroad
Wow.... she it owned completely and wants to stay and work on the marriage.


Be careful though, many promises are made when the WS is cornered. The OM may not want her as much or other reasons to make you option B.

Remember, you and your family should never be anything less than #1.

In my case, the OW thought she could demean me. Stupid OW. She didn't know who she was dealing with, when she called to brag, I asked her which # was she. 5, 8, 15 or higher? She was stumped. While in that stage, I told her that while I was his first, I was no longer interested in the other numbers.

That pushed her down to a size that could have been easily flicked off the screen door. She got all huffy and hung up.

It wasn't easy but she certainly deserved to be put someplace other than in my life. Then it became one of my boundaries, no OPs in my life.


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443149
06/08/19 02:23 AM
06/08/19 02:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad
Wow.... she it owned completely and wants to stay and work on the marriage.


Sounds good but her actions will tell you more than just her words which at this time you can't trust.

NC letter immediately. She writes it and you send it.

IMO since this has been sexual and you don't know where else OM has been. STD testing pronto


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443150
06/08/19 02:27 AM
06/08/19 02:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
You don't want the job of a marriage warden but you do need to verify upfront that contact has stopped. This must be complete and permanent. Full transparency on her phone and electronics.

She drops him like a rock and blocks all access to him.

Last edited by Marc878; 06/08/19 02:28 AM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443151
06/08/19 02:38 AM
06/08/19 02:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Right now before you commit to anything you need to set the boundaries for her to end the affair, etc. don't jump into this without thinking. False R's happen all the time along with additional ddays.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443152
06/08/19 03:28 AM
06/08/19 03:28 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
She needs to write a no-contact letter and sign it, and then you mail it. You will need to go with her as she tells both your parents and her parents what she did. You will need their support.

She needs to end her affair today. If she drags it it at all, she's not on board and she will stay in the affair.

She needs to then give you passwords to all electronic devices and you need to install spy/tracking software (but don't tell her that). She gets to earn trust again. If she used her vehicle to travel to OM, put a GPS device on her car.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443153
06/08/19 04:17 AM
06/08/19 04:17 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
GPS is pointless, he lives several states away.

Need to discuss the password thing with her

Need to discuss the letter

I am very skeptical right now and cautious. She stated the main reason she is staying is for the children.

Last edited by 13defroad; 06/08/19 04:17 AM.
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443154
06/08/19 04:50 AM
06/08/19 04:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
Originally Posted by 13defroad
She stated the main reason she is staying is for the children.


Then she is only staying to get a better settlement and she plans to leave later. You should be cautious.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443155
06/08/19 05:01 AM
06/08/19 05:01 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad
GPS is pointless, he lives several states away.

Need to discuss the password thing with her

Need to discuss the letter

I am very skeptical right now and cautious. She stated the main reason she is staying is for the children.


Sorry but that doesn't sound like she's R material.

Did you discus cutting contact?


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443156
06/08/19 06:24 AM
06/08/19 06:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
Originally Posted by 13defroad
.....I am very skeptical right now and cautious. She stated the main reason she is staying is for the children.


Defroad,

Then you don't have recovery, you were given an excuse (aka: WS babble). Blaming the children for making her stay is not how one shows they regret the A.

Better get your children into good IC immediately, they are her next blame target and you can't protect them 24/7. So best to get them prepared to protect and defend themselves together and individually.

Do you remember the old Star Trek show where the predator would go after an individual but not the group? Sometimes a WS does that, targets a person but when the family takes a stance as a family, it can disarm the WS from a direct attack.

You and your children need to form a bond to be a family and deal with this collectively and individually and give each other updates.

I did that with my son. The OW threatened to call the police on me, get me fired, take my child out of our home and many other threats. I informed the authorities and my person support group, even called the school, daycare, neighbors, utility and credit card companies, even the IRS and state. Also the doctor and relatives along with some family friends. My exposure was to form a protective barrier from the WS and OW. I don't regret that for one minute.

Orchid

Last edited by Orchid2; 06/08/19 06:24 AM.

Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443157
06/08/19 02:20 PM
06/08/19 02:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
Now is when you set the conditions she must meet or else she moves out:
writes a no-contact letter that YOU see first and send yourself or watch her send
gives you passwords to all electronics
gives up social media if she was using that to contact him
hands over her electronics willingly whenever you ask to see them so you can verify she hasn't reestablished contact
tells her parents, in front of you, what she has done and asks them to forgive her for hurting you
agrees to go to marriage counseling with you for as long as you need it
writes out a timeline of every single contact she's had with him

We could add more, but this is a good litmus test of whether she is worth keeping. If she's unwilling to do any of these things, immediately inform her that you are filing the next day. She has to see CLEARLY that you will not accept less. Once she's away from him for a time, the affair fog may dissipate and she may become her old self again. But that will never happen if they are in contact in any form.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443158
06/08/19 08:23 PM
06/08/19 08:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,603
How are you doing today, 13?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443159
06/09/19 01:40 PM
06/09/19 01:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
I am pretty sure it is a false claim to work on the marriage. We have been talking a ton. I would not cosign the car she got yesterday and I explained why. She will not give me the passwords or call him and end it in front of me. She will not give up Facebook. FALSE FALSE FALSE... we are planning on talking tonight after the boys go to bed. IF she does not give it up, i have already have an appointment to see a lawyer on Monday. She will be served and we are done at this point. NO More MORE Mr Nice Guy is a very interesting read. I AM TOTALLY Codependent on her i have realized. THAT HAS STOPPED, my best buddy pointed it out to me as well. I STOPPED LETTING HER WALK ON ME!!! SHE IS GOING TO HATE GETTING SEVERED AT WORK!! The Freak out will be MASSIVE!!! I think she is lying to everyone even the OM.


Her WORDS:
1) logically i need to stay in the marriage
2) Emotionally I HATE YOU

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443160
06/09/19 02:04 PM
06/09/19 02:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
When you file, call her parents and your parents and your close friends and let them know why.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443161
06/09/19 02:46 PM
06/09/19 02:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Unless you're done full exposure at this point is all you've got left.

At this time she is just gonna try and play you for time until it suits her plans to leave.

It's good to see you not letting fear guide you. All that ever does is put you in worse shape.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443162
06/09/19 02:49 PM
06/09/19 02:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad

Her WORDS:
1) logically i need to stay in the marriage
2) Emotionally I HATE YOU


This is common though. In order to justify her affair you have to be the bad guy.

Stop talking and start acting. To many talk, talk, talk. It never gets you anywhere. It's a form of chasing. Chasing always pushes them farther away.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443163
06/09/19 03:55 PM
06/09/19 03:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,981
star*fish Offline
Board of Directors
star*fish  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,981
13,

It is my experience, not only as someone involved in marriage forums for twenty years, but also as a betrayed spouse--that this process is an imperfect one where rarely does recovery go in a straight line. Your wife's actions, words, waffling, etc are absolutely textbook and mean very little. The biochemistry of affairs creates a very powerful emotional c*cktail whose influence is extremely hard to break. Expecting your wife to feel love for you at this moment or come back to the marriage for you--is probably not realistic. At this moment she doesn't yet know the depth of her feelings for you because they are being masked by the infatuation she feels for OM. My husband also told me that he was coming back for the kids--and maybe at the time he believed that--but once the boundaries were actually in place and the fog cleared--he felt very differently.

Exposure can be very effective, but I have come to believe that strong boundaries and a powerful and assertive self are the most important attributes to ensure you come out with a healthy marriage at the end. Especially for men--I think niceness and patience are counterproductive. Women are attracted to strong independent men. The message you must give your wife right now is this:

I will not share my wife with another man...period...ever. End the affair now and reinvest in the marriage or I will have no choice but to file and end this misery to protect myself and my children. I would prefer to save our family, but I can survive without you if you will not end this destructive and selfish pursuit.

My husband only made empty promises and got stealthier until the day I served him with papers. Until then--I was just a desperate doormat waiting for him to make decisions for me. Take back your power. One way or another--she will have to choose and you will escape the panic and painfulness of this limbo.

star*

Last edited by star*fish; 06/09/19 03:56 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443164
06/09/19 04:58 PM
06/09/19 04:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,490
star is right - if you still want the marriage, you should start with a hard line, but I would also include exposure if you're trying to stay married. Affairs die in the light of day.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443165
06/09/19 06:33 PM
06/09/19 06:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
I am going to file on Monday unless something changes. I am hoping that will wake her up. I have to come realize i am codependent on her as well. My best watched an interaction with us on Saturday and he was OMG .... are you a man or NOT??? STOP CATERING TO HER!!! SHE HAS ME HOOKED BADLY like a drug. I have stopped most of it today.. You know all of those things you do in a good relationship and a few extra. GOOD LUCK with the rest of your life... suffer and deal with IT!!!

1 she calls HIM in my presence and ENDS IT
2 she gives me full access to phones and other accounts


She stated she wants to be here... text messages say otherwise.


I LOVE THIS: i started part of it to her already. I stated I WILL NOT SHARE PERIOD!!

I will not share my wife with another man...period...ever. End the affair now and reinvest in the marriage or I will have no choice but to file and end this misery to protect myself and my children. I would prefer to save our family, but I can survive without you if you will not end this destructive and selfish pursuit.




Defroad

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443166
06/09/19 06:39 PM
06/09/19 06:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
She does not have you hooked. You are doing that all by yourself.

No one has power over you unless you give it to them.

You are smarter now but still not where you need to be.

To be honest you've come a long way in a short period of time. Impressive.

Keep moving forward.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443167
06/09/19 06:42 PM
06/09/19 06:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 575
Southeast
Quote
1 she calls HIM in my presence and ENDS IT
2 she gives me full access to phones and other accounts


She stated she wants to be here... text messages say otherwise.


This is why you don't give up your sources. Cheaters always lie a lot.

Last edited by Marc878; 06/09/19 06:43 PM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: Marc878] #443168
06/09/19 07:08 PM
06/09/19 07:08 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
Defroad,

Financially, will this split hurt you badly? Will you and your children survive?

Get them to IC ASAP. They are already showing signs of stress based on your prior posts. They need to know that this isn't their fault. Many a BS and family blame themselves. Sometimes the WS is cruel enough to even say it.

I realize you want the element of surprise and notifying your children may give your plans away. So tell 1 or 2 trusted adults and have them gather the children so that when she is at work getting served, you are notifying your children. It will be a crying session and you will be focused on your children while she rants and raves.

Her work & others probably already know about the OM. Now they will know that you know.

Plan it out. Don't make emotional decisions.

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443169
06/09/19 10:33 PM
06/09/19 10:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
My 10 year son in the past week started doing things to JUST MAKE HIS MAMMA HAPPY.... VERY strange and unusual behavior from a 10 year old. HE have NEVER done this before in his life. Yes the stress is starting to SHOW. SHE WILL EXPLODE AT ME WHEN SHE IS SERVED. MAY it will be a wake up call for her. THAT I AM DONE PLAYING AND READY TO MOVE ON.

Defroad


PS - WOW she has gotten FAT...we just got back from the pool as a family and all the boys are downstairs and she just walked into my room naked. She out-weights me by 40+ lbs. DID i mention her teeth are falling out of her head? She needs multiple $1000s of dollars worth of dental work suddenly from her last cleaning to this one. Amazing what stress will do to you.

Last edited by 13defroad; 06/09/19 10:39 PM.
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
bruers, shattered72, Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell
2045 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Does anyone remember this story?3
COVID019: SBA loans for businesses, homeowners and renters6
How are you all doing?7
Combated Gaslighting11
Help! Hubby of 26 years having affair with former co-worker203
Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
How To Spot A Narcissist—And Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
Community Information
2045Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8482Topics
462758Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.032s Queries: 15 (0.007s) Memory: 3.3708 MB (Peak: 3.7204 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2020-10-01 20:13:27 UTC