Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 6 guests, and 104 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Save Marriage After Exposure67
2.HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair27
3.I'm learning to talk23
4.WuD? - Moving on.13
5.Am I still a doormat?10
6.***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga***2
7.Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up1
8.Welcome Aboard, New Members!1
9.Save Marriage After Exposure1
10.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation5
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
When Is Porn Use a Problem? - Psychology Today2
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
What To Do #443024
06/04/19 09:56 PM
06/04/19 09:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
My wife of 13 years in February of this year flew out to meet a man she has been friends with for years online and had an affair. In December of 2018 she said the marriage was over and asked for a divorce. She came back and said she wanted to try again on the marriage - read lots of damage done on my part. We started working on things and the marriage seemed to progress. I recently found out she is still having the affair, only digitally as he lives in another state. They are texting and calling constantly. I had to snoop to find the evidence, after some really odd behavior from her. I do not like that fact that I had to snoop to get the evidence. I have had trust issue for years which caused us issues, as she never cheated before this. The marriage councilor and I are going to discuss the continued cheating with her on Friday of this week, June 7th. She is acting like she wants to stay and work on the marriage while still talking/sexting/calling him. We are sleeping separately in the same house. She guards her phone like it is made of GOLD! She changed the guys phone entry to that of a women to keep me from being suspicious. She was an extremely religious woman, long background of religious study, she is still going to church with me. Attending a bible study and works with our children on a daily bible study. The funny things is that our life is falling down around our ears, she wrecked her car over the weekend and she wants us to buy a car together. She keeps talking about future plans for us, we have been discussing buying a new house for past year and she keeps sending me homes to look at. Our house suffered damage from a recent storm and that is in the process of being fixed. She just found out about a medical procedure that she needs to happen as soon as possible that will cost $2000+, we have horrible medical coverage until our deductible is met. Stress caused the issue, I know it. She only really talks to me if it is about our young children or if she needs something. The really confusing part is that she is still kissing/hugging me and letting me see her naked. When we started working on the marriage she would not let me see her naked at all. Imagine being shy around someone you have 4 kids with (4 births and all that mess). If I push for anything more than a kiss or a light grope she says we are not ready for that yet.

I am deeply religious man and divorce is not really an option for me, I have read the boards and seen it said over and over again, that I have to fight from a position of strength. I know CANNOT and WILL NOT share her. I know I can biblical divorce on these grounds. I did purchase Surviving an Affair. I know if I expose the affair to everyone around us it will completely ruin the chances of the marriage recovering. She has always been an extremely private person, since the first time we meet. Everyone around us knows we are separated. She made a public statement about getting divorced before she had the affair. To say this is messy and confusing is an understatement.

I have been working on me since she declared the marriage is over, I have been seeing a councilor and working on my health. I have been fixing up the house up and doing everything I can to make myself be a better me. She seems to like the changes that have been occurring in me. I am still to pushy for her some days. In the most recent marriage counseling session she gave me a very specific road map to what she wants.

Good:
listening
humor
communication

Bad:
pushy
does not respect boundaries (hence the issue with snooping)
single minded
analyzing her
heavy conversations (frequent)


I am sorry for the babbling on. I am trying to present as many facts as possible for accurate assistance.

Defroad

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443025
06/04/19 10:25 PM
06/04/19 10:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
Hi Defroad,

Welcome to MA. Very sorry you have to be here and deal with the A situation.

Right now you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and it isn't working. It is good you are working with an IC.

I recommend you get some info about boundaries. You think you have them but you really don't. Check out a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Your wife is having at the very least an emotional A (which is most the dangerous kind) and probably a lot of phone sex.

You have to decide if you will allow that in your home and around your children. How old are you children? It maybe important for them to get counseling as well.

As for your religious beliefs, you'd best check it out as to why you believe it is ok to enable the A by staying married. Read some of our posts here. You will find posters with strong religious beliefs that also have had to make adjustments to face reality when adultery enters their marriage.

Keep posting, we can help if you take the time to read and post. Application is your option as needed.

We help our fellow posters view things in a manner that they can understand and handle. It probably is quite overwhelming and how you move forward may not sound logical but remember you are not dealing with a logical problem, you are dealing with an emotional one.

You are correct that lack of trust is a bad thing but that is your reality for now, so protect your family and assets from the WS (wayward spouse). You are a BS now (betrayed spouse).

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443026
06/04/19 10:35 PM
06/04/19 10:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad

She is acting like she wants to stay and work on the marriage while still talking/sexting/calling him. We are sleeping separately in the same house. She guards her phone like it is made of GOLD! She changed the guys phone entry to that of a women to keep me from being suspicious.

She's cake eating probably until the time is right to leave.


When we started working on the marriage she would not let me see her naked at all. Imagine being shy around someone you have 4 kids with (4 births and all that mess). If I push for anything more than a kiss or a light grope she says we are not ready for that yet.

Typical. She's not willing to cheat on her boyfriend with you.

I am deeply religious man and divorce is not really an option for me, I have read the boards and seen it said over and over again, that I have to fight from a position of strength. I know CANNOT and WILL NOT share her.

You are sharing her and your lack of actions say you are accepting her affair.

I have been working on me since she declared the marriage is over, I have been seeing a councilor and working on my health. I have been fixing up the house up and doing everything I can to make myself be a better me. She seems to like the changes that have been occurring in me. I am still to pushy for her some days. In the most recent marriage counseling session she gave me a very specific road map to what she wants.

Total hogwash. Her actions (continuing affair) say different. Bud, playing the "pick me dance" and trying to nice her back just lowers your status (makes you look weak) while making her other man look strong and appealing


None of this is your fault. She's made a very conscious and well planned out decision to cheat. This is all on her.

The most damaging thing to your marriage right now is the affair. Do you not get that? That doesn't end you have zero chance.

Currently you are helping them hide the affair. Why? Do you like living like you are?

Exposure is the only good option you have. All at once without any warning. You can talk until you're blue in the face and it won't change a thing. Actions are all that count in these situations. If the other man is married inform his wife. Inform family and church. You say you are deeply religious but yet you sit back and let an adulurer teach in church etc????

You are living in fear and letting your wife dictate and control your life. Until you get strong and stop your behavior you'll only get more of what you pave been getting.

You really need to wake up. Your wayward wife may have put you in this situation but you are the one keeping yourself there.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443027
06/04/19 10:42 PM
06/04/19 10:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad


I know if I expose the affair to everyone around us it will completely ruin the chances of the marriage recovering.

This is your excuse to sit back and do nothing. You can't recover anything by helping hide their affair.

She has always been an extremely private person, since the first time we meet.

Obviously not since she's having a sexual affair with another man.

Everyone around us knows we are separated. She made a public statement about getting divorced before she had the affair. To say this is messy and confusing is an understatement.

Her affair was probably ongoing long before you knew about it. Hence, her actions.


This is not complicated at all. What you don't get is your wife is a very typical cheater. There's nothing special about this at all except it's happening to you.

They all lie, hide and deny.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443028
06/04/19 10:47 PM
06/04/19 10:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad

She was an extremely religious woman, long background of religious study, she is still going to church with me. Attending a bible study and works with our children on a daily bible study.


She's a hypocrite.

You say you're deeply religious. What does gods word say about you hiding this from your church?

You need to get your head on straight.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443029
06/04/19 10:51 PM
06/04/19 10:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Look, you're in shock.

Got it but right now you have a huge problem and like most upfront you don't/can't handle this in an effective manner.

The worst thing you can do in these situations is nothing.

Get out of denial of who your wife is and what she's doing.

Read your info and pretend it's a close friend or your brother.

What would you advise him to do?


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: Marc878] #443030
06/04/19 11:28 PM
06/04/19 11:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
Defroad,

Look, as you can see Marc is a passionate poster and while what he says may see harsh, he is saying this for your own good. Marc is trying to bring clarity to your fogged up situation.

Others will post. We've got a great group of guys here who have helped many deal a WSW (wayward spouse - wife). Tough love with a purpose to help you heal is the direction here. Read some of the other threads and you will get an idea of what is ahead so you can know how to prepare and what to avoid.

Catch your breath a bit, cleansing breathes and read. wink

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443031
06/04/19 11:28 PM
06/04/19 11:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here.

Do you have enough evidence to prove everything she did? How close are you to her extended family? Do you have a support group that can help you handle the next few days?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443032
06/04/19 11:30 PM
06/04/19 11:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
Welcome 13. I am sorry you are in this terrible situation. There are are many people here who can help you. Some have never experienced adultery, some have divorced over adultery and some have recovered their marriages after adultery. And some here are former waywards who have restored their marriage. The thing we have in common is that we have seen 100’s if not 1000’s of stories just like yours. And although the details might vary, the overall script and responses and reactions do not.

The best path you have is to expose her to the people whose opinion she values, who also are friends of your marriage. The church leaders, her parents, her best friend. And of course the OM’s wife certainly should be told. All at once. Give her no time to spin a story. And exposure is not done to humiliate her but rather to hopefully shock her to her senses about what she is doing. It is an appeal to those people to help you break up this affair and save your marriage.

I agree with Marc she was already in the affair before she announced a separation. Are you living under the same roof?

So you expose and then give her 2 minutes to say if she is going to stop the affair and go completely no contact. If she doesn’t you really have no choice but to file for divorce. Which doesn’t mean the absolute end. There could still be a chance. But you can’t let her see you weak. She has to really comprehend that you will not share her anymore.

And the marriage counselor is a waste of time and money as long as she is in the affair.



How old are your children?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443033
06/05/19 01:39 AM
06/05/19 01:39 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,387
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,387
So she ran away to be with her lover...and came back and said she wanted to work on things? (yet didn't really)

That means one of two things: either he turned out to be a weasel (shocker) and she decided you were a better provider (women's highest need is usually financial stability) or he turned out to be a shark and he coached her in how to come back and strip you of every penny you own.

Either way, you're in for a world of hurt.

Look, I get it, you think exposure is a death knell for your marriage. Well, I'll ask you - what kind of marriage do you possibly think you have now or can have if you kiss her ass? Psychologically speaking, you have NO chance of her choosing you unless you unequivocably say: "Right here, right now, you get ONE chance, ONE choice, THIS VERY minute - never ever contact this man again or you will be divorced as fast as humanly possible and I will fight you for every penny AND custody."

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443034
06/05/19 01:57 AM
06/05/19 01:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
I would start protecting myself financially as well.

You can't trust her at all.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443035
06/05/19 03:01 AM
06/05/19 03:01 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
First things first - take care of you. Make sure you are resting even if you cannot sleep. Make sure you are eating right and getting enough water. No alcohol or anything that would impair your judgement.

Second - gather your information and save an extra copy of everything in a safe place. This includes bank information, text logs and phone records, utility bills, credit card statements, and your retirement accounts she is listed on. Check everything.

Third - you will need to expose. All your friends and family need to know the real reason your wife wants a divorce. If you do not stand up for yourself now, you will get thrown under the bus. Any of us who didn't expose were burned later on. It will hurt later when you hear all your friends talking about your wife telling them with tears in her eyes that you were physically abusing her and showing photos of bruises. Don't fall into the trap that you cannot expose. Be very careful.

Lastly - you need to be strategic about everything you do for the next few days. Remember that you cannot "nice" your wife back. For the best outcome, you have to draw a line in the sand and follow through with it like your life depended on it. Your wife is not behaving like your wife. Be cautious and think of an alien inhabiting her body right now - you cannot trust anything she does or says.

Re: What To Do [Re: SmilingWife] #443036
06/05/19 04:39 AM
06/05/19 04:39 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
How old are your children?[/quote]

5, 7, 10 and 13



Currently you are helping them hide the affair. Why? Do you like living like you are?
- We are exposing it on Friday, I HATE THIS

You say you're deeply religious. What does gods word say about you hiding this from your church?
- Honestly don't know the answer to that...


If the other man is married?
-Not as far as I know. She is trying to convince him to move here, I highly doubt he would move here until we are divorced, i am pretty sure he has kids or family there, the texts talk of it. I highly doubt it, he is enjoying free phone sex and another mans wife.


Do you have enough evidence to prove everything she did?
- Pictures of the texting

How close are you to her extended family?
- I am closer to her family than she is. Her child was very traumatic and bad. I think should be happy if she never saw them again, they live close and are just another cause for issues in our marriage. Both her parents and mine have caused huge issues in our marriage.


Do you have a support group that can help you handle the next few days?
- more or less


I would start protecting myself financially as well.
- we split up our checking accounts several months ago already. We only have a joint credit card and house. She does not have access to my 401k.

Third - you will need to expose. All your friends and family need to know the real reason your wife wants a divorce. If you do not stand up for yourself now, you will get thrown under the bus. Any of us who didn't expose were burned later on. It will hurt later when you hear all your friends talking about your wife telling them with tears in her eyes that you were physically abusing her and showing photos of bruises. Don't fall into the trap that you cannot expose. Be very careful.

- if do this she will absolutely LEAVE, no questions asked. There will be NO chance of reconciliation. A handful of trusted people know about her actions. She would flee and never ever come back. The shame would be unbearable for her.


I do not trust anything she says or does, she is in spiritual warfare. She is possessed by EVIL, plan and simple. Her body is rebelling against her, which is why she is ill. She is telling Other dude one story and me something else. LIES and EVIL, She has told me if i try and take the kids, she will just disappear with them. I do know when I have traveled for business in the past she can not handle them for more than a day. I always get calls of HELP when i am on the road. I travel about once a month for 3-4 days. I have informed her that if we divorce we will split them equally.

The crazy things is she wants us to go buy a car this weekend jointly....
At dinner she was showing pictures of houses we could move to....

She cannot put her phone down, even when she is not texting OM, I have sat next to her and watched. She has a real problem with Facebook and social media. She cannot stop at all.

We are living separated in the same house currently. She thinks I am buying the whole deal of her working on the marriage.

Last edited by 13defroad; 06/05/19 05:08 AM.
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443037
06/05/19 05:12 AM
06/05/19 05:12 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad


- We are exposing it on Friday, I HATE THIS

Looks like you're awakening to where you're at and what needs to be done. Exposure needs to be done all at once without warning. Don't tell her and let her deal with it. I don't believe in mass exposure to everyone but target it to family, friends, church, etc. she will not like it because you are destroying her fantasy. Affairs thrive in secret and the dark. Once a bright light is shined on it not so much. It may not work but It's about all you have right now so plan it out. The longer an affair goes the harder it is to break.

She'll probably come at you but you didn't do this. Let her own it. Do not back down. Him or you. Period !!!!!!

If the other man is married?
-Not as far as I know. She is trying to convince him to move here, I highly doubt he would move here until we are divorced, i am pretty sure he has kids or family there, the texts talk of it. I highly doubt it, he is enjoying free phone sex and another mans wife.


Do an Internet search and find out. You can't believe anything your wife says. I'd target his family as well. Check Facebook you may get valuable info there.


Do you have enough evidence to prove everything she did?
- Pictures of the texting


Perfect !!!!!! The truth fixes a lot of things.

How close are you to her extended family?
- I am closer to her family than she is. Her child was very traumatic and bad. I think should be happy if she never saw them again, they live close and are just another cause for issues in our marriage. Both her parents and mine have caused huge issues in our marriage.


That has to be addressed later right now ending her affair is your main concern.


Do you have a support group that can help you handle the next few days?
- more or less


You'll need support. Many here know what you're going through and how to deal with it. Keep posting as much as you need. Right now the knowledge here will be of utmost benefit.


I would start protecting myself financially as well.
- we split up our checking accounts several months ago already. We only have a joint credit card and house. She does not have access to my 401k.


Keep an eye on the joint card and cancel if she starts abusing it.


I'd see an attorney to know what your rights are. She cannot legally take the kids anywhere. In today's world you'll get 50/50.

The most important thing is for you to get strong and stay there. You need to go into a limited no contact. Stop her cake eating. Right now she is getting her emotional needs from you and her sexual needs from other meant.

Never feed a cake eater. They just want more cake.

Good luck

Last edited by Marc878; 06/05/19 05:17 AM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443038
06/05/19 05:21 AM
06/05/19 05:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Where did she meet her other man? Do you know him? (It's important you target him for exposure too)!!!!

Does she work?

Do not let her blame you for her affair. This is all on her. You are both in the same marriage. You aren't perfect but neither is she.

Did her imperfections cause you to cheat? See the difference?


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443039
06/05/19 05:27 AM
06/05/19 05:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Snoop away!!!! There is no such thing as privacy in a marriage for cheating purposes.

Affairs for the most part all follow a particular script. This one is not much different.

There is an old saying. If you want to save a marriage be prepared to end it.

Your wife has been playing and manipulating you. So far you've allowed it. That all stops now for you and your family's sake.

Do not allow her to rugsweep this. Keep her feet to the fire.

Much more coming your way but right now trying to end her affair is your first and most important step at this time.

Good luck to you and your kids

Last edited by Marc878; 06/05/19 05:37 AM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443040
06/05/19 05:28 AM
06/05/19 05:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
I'd cut off any unnecessary contact except for kids, business. Stop enabling her affair.

She thinks she's smarter than you. Show her she isn't.

You'll regain self respect and clarity.

Last edited by Marc878; 06/05/19 05:41 AM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443041
06/05/19 11:08 AM
06/05/19 11:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
Please don't acquire any more marital debt with her. Do not buy a car. Do not sign joint loans. After separating the finances, that could be considered possibly condoning her affair.

I agree with Marc that you should seek the advice of several bulldog attorneys as soon as possible. If you live in the fall state, you may be able to file with fault because of her having an affair.

Be strong. You will get through this. Take it one day at a time for now.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443042
06/05/19 11:46 AM
06/05/19 11:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
1
13defroad Offline OP
Member
13defroad  Offline OP
Member
1
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 27
I am in limbo until Friday. I am doing my best to keep up appearance and make no changes or tip my hand until then. I am staying calm, cool, collected and doing everything I have been doing for the past month.

How do I know she really has ended the affair? DO I make her call him and be present for it? She can say it is over... She is smart enough to delete text messages, phone logs etc. She has an hour drive to work, plus all her time at the job where she has access to social media.

Exposing her at work could possibly get her fired. They seem like a really good group of people who want to do the right thing in life. Plus that would complicate my life and maybe enable her to run off to him on the West Coast. I could also end paying child support and alimony. She would own me financially.

OUR lives have become total chaos due to her bad choices.....

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443043
06/05/19 12:31 PM
06/05/19 12:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
I would not expose at her work. If she doesn't end the affair that could hurt you. Does her other man work for the same company?

Target exposure - certain friends, family, church. Other mans wife, family.

You are trying to end her affair to save your marriage.

Upfront if she wants to continue there's nothing you can do to stop her.

As far as checking you could put a voice activated recorder hidden in her car in case she gets a burner phone.


CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443044
06/05/19 12:36 PM
06/05/19 12:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
She'll be upset at first. Remember she put you in this situation. It's all on her. Do not tell her you exposed. Let her find out and deal with it.

If she recommits to the marriage have her do a no contact letter and you mail it.

Do not reveal your sources of information. You'll need it later to see if she complies.

Go back and check your phone usage data I suspect you'll find this started a lot earlier that you thought. Just Go online download and sort it. Usually only takes 15-30 minutes.

Last edited by Marc878; 06/05/19 12:37 PM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443045
06/05/19 12:59 PM
06/05/19 12:59 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
M
Marc878 Online
Member
Marc878  Online
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 505
Southeast
Originally Posted by 13defroad

Plus that would complicate my life and maybe enable her to run off to him on the West Coast.


She can't legally take the kids out of state. If she leaves that's abandonment. You have been to an attorney, correct?

Is your state no fault or fault? If you can prove adultery it eliminates alimony in a fault state. If it goes to divorce.

Last edited by Marc878; 06/05/19 01:39 PM.

CPA
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443046
06/05/19 01:29 PM
06/05/19 01:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
Originally Posted by 13defroad
How old are your children?

5, 7, 10 and 13




Originally Posted by 13defroad
Currently you are helping them hide the affair. Why? Do you like living like you are?
- We are exposing it on Friday, I HATE THIS

You say you're deeply religious. What does gods word say about you hiding this from your church?
- Honestly don't know the answer to that...


If the other man is married?
-Not as far as I know. She is trying to convince him to move here, I highly doubt he would move here until we are divorced, i am pretty sure he has kids or family there, the texts talk of it. I highly doubt it, he is enjoying free phone sex and another mans wife.


Do you have enough evidence to prove everything she did?
- Pictures of the texting

How close are you to her extended family?
- I am closer to her family than she is. Her child was very traumatic and bad. I think should be happy if she never saw them again, they live close and are just another cause for issues in our marriage. Both her parents and mine have caused huge issues in our marriage.


Do you have a support group that can help you handle the next few days?
- more or less


I would start protecting myself financially as well.
- we split up our checking accounts several months ago already. We only have a joint credit card and house. She does not have access to my 401k.

Third - you will need to expose. All your friends and family need to know the real reason your wife wants a divorce. If you do not stand up for yourself now, you will get thrown under the bus. Any of us who didn't expose were burned later on. It will hurt later when you hear all your friends talking about your wife telling them with tears in her eyes that you were physically abusing her and showing photos of bruises. Don't fall into the trap that you cannot expose. Be very careful.

- if do this she will absolutely LEAVE, no questions asked. There will be NO chance of reconciliation. A handful of trusted people know about her actions. She would flee and never ever come back. The shame would be unbearable for her.


I do not trust anything she says or does, she is in spiritual warfare. She is possessed by EVIL, plan and simple. Her body is rebelling against her, which is why she is ill. She is telling Other dude one story and me something else. LIES and EVIL, She has told me if i try and take the kids, she will just disappear with them. I do know when I have traveled for business in the past she can not handle them for more than a day. I always get calls of HELP when i am on the road. I travel about once a month for 3-4 days. I have informed her that if we divorce we will split them equally.

The crazy things is she wants us to go buy a car this weekend jointly....
At dinner she was showing pictures of houses we could move to....

She cannot put her phone down, even when she is not texting OM, I have sat next to her and watched. She has a real problem with Facebook and social media. She cannot stop at all.

We are living separated in the same house currently. She thinks I am buying the whole deal of her working on the marriage.


What does the above in red mean? Who is 'we'? There is no 'we' in exposure. YOU contact everyone on your list at the same time and expose (and be sure they understand you are asking for HELP to save your marriage). And you do not tell her you are going to expose and you do not tell her after you have exposed.

As far as her wanting to buy a new car....she probably wants to get it now so she can be sure and have a good car when she decides to leave you.

Last edited by SmilingWife; 06/05/19 03:41 PM.
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443047
06/05/19 01:33 PM
06/05/19 01:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,997
I would not expose at work. However, if she works with him, her changing jobs would be a condition of you staying married to her.

And IF she gives you lip service that the affair is ended, we can give you pointers on what to do and ask of her in order for you to feel safe. Neither outcome here is easy....but if you can save your marriage it will be better for your children in the long run. If you can't, you can't and you just have to do the best you can.

If you really think she will flee the state with the children I would be filing for a divorce immediately in order to prevent her from legally doing that. But honestly, I doubt she will. She likes thinks like they are.....cake eating.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443051
06/05/19 02:08 PM
06/05/19 02:08 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,387
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,387
What do you mean by 'we' are exposing? It sounds like you mean you and your wife are telling the kids you're divorcing.
That is NOT exposure. Exposure is YOU telling people she cares about what she's doing so they can talk to her and talk some sense into her.

Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Marcin, Gkumar, Neets08, 13defroad, Firework
2039 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up1
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Save Marriage After Exposure67
Share and enjoy!1
Things men want3
What To Do153
Circle of Safety Check3
Asparagus? Info on possible health benefits1
Glimpse of light in the tunnel3
Husband living w/ mom and affair42
Community Information
2039Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8469Topics
461149Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.029s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 3.3841 MB (Peak: 3.7659 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-07-16 20:18:14 UTC