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Husband living w/ mom and affair #442176
04/17/19 12:11 AM
04/17/19 12:11 AM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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Married for 25 years, together for 30. Have two boys 14 and 17. Husband has gradually emotionally withdrawn from us, visited his 2nd cousin I. Germany in October then moved out Thanksgiving weekend to live with his mom in a spare room. Very convenient since rents are high in San Jose. He kept in touch with this cousin and has now seen her one week per momth starting in January and admitted that their relationship is sexual. Lovely. He doesn’t do anything with our boys, diesn’t arrange to spend much time with them. He comes over and says everything is the same and demoesn’t dtsy long except for when we did our taxes together last night. He said he can’t work and live with the boys at the same time. 😐.

So he’s running away from his family, hiding behind his cousin tho king she will make him happy. I’m doing a marriage fitness program antoday I got him to agree to have a phone one-on-one session but reluctantly.

How long do you think this affair will last? I know you all are not me, but after a lot of compromises in this situation. Would you hold out, prefer to stay separated for now or just go through the divorce? This is such an awkward situation.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442181
04/17/19 12:38 AM
04/17/19 12:38 AM
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catperson Offline
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I've been giving advice to betrayed spouses for about 15 years. In all that time, 100s of women in your shoes, only ONE man has come home with the woman doing what he wants, and waiting for him. Of those who HAVE reclaimed the marriage, aside from that one man, every single woman did so by immediately kicking him out and refusing to let him act like he is still married, and telling him she will not share him with another woman and she is immediately going to a lawyer for a divorce.

Trust me, it's a psychological thing. He thinks he can eat cake and get ego kibbles from you AND from her. Why would he change? Why would he stop cheating? You're letting him.

Tell him you're done and you're filing for divorce and he is free to go live with his lover.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442182
04/17/19 12:42 AM
04/17/19 12:42 AM
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Blair Offline
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here. Although this is a difficult time, there is much support to be found here.

I don't believe he's only been in this affair for two or three months. How long has it really been since he started being distant? Do you have phone records or emails proving how long the affair has been? Has he been forthcoming with you and provided answers to all of your questions?

It sounds like he is not interested in stopping the affair. I don't think you should wait it out because you have already made compromises. Does his mother/family know he is having an affair?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442188
04/17/19 02:53 AM
04/17/19 02:53 AM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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Blair thank you for your welcome.
More info: My husband's parents have been divorced since he was 12 so part of this possibly is him also having a marriage like his parents. His dad and mom are single in their 80s and not in good health so they kind of help each other except that the dad is more of a chauvinist and is not very respectful of the mom. His parents do know about the affair but the mom, whose family member she is, keeps her head in the sand because she gets too much anxiety if she gets in-the-know. My husband is being very selfish at this point without having worked out our problems. No therapy, no effort or conversation on what he felt our problems were/are. And what is he teaching our boys!?

The cousin lives in Germany and so I don't believe this started until the fall/winter. You're right - he is not quite thinking straight. Even my 14 year old son said "Papa is making poor decisions." I just read the article on this site about affairs and he is not thinking straight and is having his own expectations but not expressing them. He thinks if we get divorced we will still be friendly and can come over whenever. Right now he is supporting us, I'm not working being here for our two crazy teen boys. He told me I should date, and get laid! Although I've been feeling alone for a long time I still will not do that.


Last edited by stayingpositive; 04/17/19 02:54 AM.
Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442190
04/17/19 03:21 AM
04/17/19 03:21 AM
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Blair Offline
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Take Cat's advice and file for divorce. Your best chance is to show your H you are in charge and you won't tolerate his affair. You can both recover your marriage later if your H makes some serious changes. But you need to act quickly.

Save all the evidence you have somewhere else in a safe place that your husband will not think to look. gather all of the paperwork you need, including bank account paperwork, life insurance paperwork all the bills, phone rescord, etc. Then go see several bulldog attorneys.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442191
04/17/19 03:46 AM
04/17/19 03:46 AM
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right here waiting Offline
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates, but I’m sorry you need us. Most of us here have been in your shoes and understand the distress it causes. This is probably the absolute pit experience of your life. It sure was mine.

I’m guessing he and this cousin (!) were communicating well before he first visited her in Germany. That would’ve laid the groundwork for the affair...flirting and talking heart to heart about their marital problems (is she married too?), extending sympathy and understanding, yada yada yada.

It appears at least one of your sons knows what’s going on. If not, tell them both—they know that it’s highly inappropriate behavior for married people. He will try to lie to them, and anyone else who is aware of what’s going on, to make himself look good so don’t provide that cover. With affairs, as with all dirty business, sunshine is the best disinfectant.

In fact, there are other people who should know...friends and relatives who care about your marriage and family, and would not approve of what he’s doing to you and the boys. If they would let him know they think he’s making a huge mistake, so much the better. The goal is not to be vindictive, but to shine a light on these sordid doings, let them know it’s tearing you and your family apart, and ask for their support. An additional benefit to informing the people in your life who would care, and support you would be to assure that your H doesn’t spin the truth into (and we’ve seen these scenarios) “We’re just friends;” “My wife is paranoid. There’s nothing going on!” “We never even really knew each other before she three me out...” and other whoppers.
You get to them with the truth first.

But the most important person to inform would be his cousin’s husband, assuming she’s married. That man could be your greatest ally in disrupting the affair. Each of you confronting their wayward partners and saying, “You can’t have both—you’ll have to choose because I refuse to share my wife/husband with another man/woman.”

Scary? Oh yeah. But look how it’s working with you waiting him out. I assure you, he’s taking that as permission. And it feeds his lack of respect for you. Of course, if you tell him you will NOT share him with another woman, you’ve got to be prepared to back it up, or you’ll be worse off than before. So try and work your head around to a place where you “get” that the longer you put up with this selfishness and lack of respect, the longer it will take to come to a resolution, one way or the other. Some waywards actually need to have divorce papers served before they get a clue. Most don’t really want a divorce. Oh, they might say they do, think they do. Until it hits them in the face when wife/hubby says “Enough!” in such unequivocal terms and shows a willingness and ability to follow through.

Turn these ideas over in your head and let’s talk about them, OK?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442193
04/17/19 12:33 PM
04/17/19 12:33 PM
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catperson Offline
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The second-best way to stop an affair is to expose it - AFTER you kick him out and refuse to let him come and go. Tell his parents, his siblings, his aunts and uncles, and his best friends what he's doing. Inform them that you are divorcing him and will not remain friends with him unless he ends the affair. Then sit back, move forward with the divorce papers (you can always cancel it later), and see what he does without being able to play house.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442194
04/17/19 02:18 PM
04/17/19 02:18 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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SP: Even if you want to work things out with him, filing for divorce and being firm about "I will not share my husband with another woman" is the best way to break through the affair fog / addiction and shock him back to his senses.

We know it is scary. Every betrayed spouse (BS) thinks to themselves "if the wayward spouse (WS) cheated on me when I was doing my best to be 'nice' to them, how will it help draw them back if I am 'mean'? Won't it push them away?" Every BS thinks that, but that is not how it works. They didn't leave because you were mean and they won't come back if you are nice. The "pick me" dance never works. It makes you seem very weak, uncertain and unattractive. The key characteristics to lure back a WS are for the BS (you) to show strength and confidence. You must act as if you think he is lucky to be with you, and not the other way around. Even if that is not how you feel. If you act as if he can be easily replaced and you are glad to be free of him, THAT is how you get him to think about coming home. Let him wonder why you are so quick to be rid of him. Let him wonder if maybe you have someone on the side in waiting.

Do NOT reassure him if he asks. Just be very non-committal and keep repeating the mantra: I will not share you with another woman. If you want me to call off the divorce, you have to get rid of her first, become totally transparent (I get all passwords to your phone, computer, GPS, etc), and then maybe I will think about taking you back.

Easy for us to say. Hard for you to do. But that is your best shot and ending this quickly. The longer you allow him to continue the A after you know and he knows you know, the more he will see you as weak and willing to be his second choice if and when he needs one. Which means you don't get closure until the other woman (OW or gender neutral OP) dumps him, or he files for divorce so he can marry her. Do you really want to put your life on hold until one of them decides for you?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442195
04/17/19 03:08 PM
04/17/19 03:08 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by stayingpositive
He kept in touch with this cousin and has now seen her one week per momth starting in January and admitted that their relationship is sexual.

How is he able to see her so often when she lives in Germany?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: right here waiting] #442196
04/17/19 03:09 PM
04/17/19 03:09 PM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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His cousin is divorced, her kids are in their 20’s, she lives by herself and is a psychologist. It’s Lalaland when their together- no kids, no parents, not much interference. Not like how it is at home so like staying at his mom’s being with her is another haven.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: Fergie] #442198
04/17/19 03:19 PM
04/17/19 03:19 PM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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He has work trips that take him to the East coast- NY and Toronto. Earlier this month he flew from Toronto to Frankfurt for 4 days then went back to Toronto for his meeting so he’s combining business with pleasure. He went to Australia with her in early January, rendezvous-voud with her In NY for a week when his meeting was one day, then he did the Toronto Frankfort thing. He never spent this much time traveling with me or Our family always working. He’s trying to normalize this very wrong thing but as the article says there are euphoric hormones floating around which seem to be impairing his decision-making. I feel like I have 3 teenagers instead of just our two kids.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442199
04/17/19 03:55 PM
04/17/19 03:55 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted by stayingpositive
His cousin is divorced, her kids are in their 20’s, she lives by herself and is a psychologist. It’s Lalaland when their together- no kids, no parents, not much interference. Not like how it is at home so like staying at his mom’s being with her is another haven.

Which is why you provide NO access to the 'home' he left behind. He's out in the cold now and any 'life' he has with her will have to cover the same issues he fled at home - paying bills, holding your partner's head over a toilet when they're sick, dealing with kids, etc. If he has to start living a real life with her with all the daily issues and headaches, she'll no longer seem so Lalaland to him.

Have you exposed the affair yet to his family?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442200
04/17/19 04:34 PM
04/17/19 04:34 PM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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Most people know he has moved out, ie sleeping at his mom’s. I’ve told my supportive, close friends that he’s having a sexual relationship with her, but I’m not sure he tells others he’s having an affair when he tells them he’s moved out. His immediate family all knows. Unfortunately my parents are gone but I wish my dad was around to put H in his place and tell him to treat his daughter better. My family is Armenian -Russian vs his which are Northern European so i’m not how much it impacts but I think it does since my family is more outspoken vs those who would rather not get involved, tell him their opinion. His sister seems to be the most affected by this since they experienced their parents crazy divorce together when they were growing up.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442201
04/17/19 05:59 PM
04/17/19 05:59 PM
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catperson Offline
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You're missing the point. YOU tell people important to HIM that he is cheating on you. That way, some of them are going to contact him and say what the hell, buddy?

You don't leave it for him to tell. If you are fighting for your marriage, your duty is to inform his important people that he's doing something wrong so they have an opportunity to put pressure on him.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442202
04/17/19 07:14 PM
04/17/19 07:14 PM
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I'm going to agree with others and recommend that you get divorced ASAP, but not for the same reasons.

Originally Posted by stayingpositive
He told me I should date, and get laid!

Your husband is done. As a man, if he doesn't care who you sleep with, he's checked out. You can't save your marriage working on it by yourself. It's impossible. I know that isn't what you want to hear. It sucks. It's hard. It's hurtful. But it isn't the end though. You could always remarry later, if it works out that way. But right now you need to look out for yourself and boys and you have a fairly unique opportunity most betrayed spouses don't get.

I don't think you should expose. I don't think it would matter. I don't even think you should be confrontational at all and here is why...

Originally Posted by stayingpositive
He thinks if we get divorced we will still be friendly and can come over whenever. Right now he is supporting us, I'm not working being here for our two crazy teen boys.

Most betrayed spouses get an angry vindictive wayward spouses to deal with. The divorce is acrimonious.

It's the rare BS who can use the delusional stage of the WS get the best possible deal in the D. Some WS's give up everything including the house, possessions, and bank account thinking nothing is going to change with their old life except they get to have a new partner. They will stay best friends with the BS and get a new sex partner.

No court can force you to remain friends with him afterwards.

Talk to a lawyer and see what they can do with this approach. The window of opportunity is pretty narrow.

Last edited by Fergie; 04/17/19 07:15 PM.
Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442203
04/17/19 08:02 PM
04/17/19 08:02 PM
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Fergie has a good point, and a valuable one, IF you can go ahead and file right now and walk away. I personally wish you would because (1) it would ensure you get as much financially as possible for you and the boys before he turns into an a$$hole (and he will), (2) it will raise his respect (and maybe desire) for you immediately and long-term, and (3) it will save you weeks or months of hell. Who he is right now is not worth saving.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442204
04/17/19 09:01 PM
04/17/19 09:01 PM
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Yep I am with Fergie.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442205
04/17/19 10:24 PM
04/17/19 10:24 PM
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I love Fergies advice. Psychological judo. Use the WS affair fog against him. Brilliant.

And I agree with Fergie's other point. Any WH who tells his wife she is free to find another sex partner is never coming back.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: holdingontoit] #442217
04/19/19 12:45 AM
04/19/19 12:45 AM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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Are any of you familiar with creating a Safe Space where you can discuss feeling but not the actions?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442218
04/19/19 01:25 AM
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Blair Offline
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Are you wanting to talk with your H about how you feel?

If so, I wouldn't bother with that part. He won't hear you or listen. He already doesn't care about hurting you.

Or is there a different reason?

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442219
04/19/19 01:38 AM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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It’s more about spouses who are having affairs and the BS being a sounding board when needed . He talks to me still so I would be the listener as usual. More applicable when the affair is getting more rocky.

If we get divorced I do not want to deal with him, but if we’re separated I would keep communication open.

Last edited by stayingpositive; 04/19/19 02:07 AM. Reason: Clarity
Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442220
04/19/19 02:10 AM
04/19/19 02:10 AM
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Blair Offline
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I would not recommend you place yourself in a friend zone with your H. Don't be so desperate to have a connection with him that you tolerate his horrible stories and bad treatment. You deserve better than that.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442221
04/19/19 02:15 AM
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I don't know where you're getting that advice from, but I've been advising betrayed wives for 15 years and I have NEVER seen one "nice" her husband home. Men want women they have to fight for, who present a challenge. By telling him you're there whenever he needs you, you're just proving to him that the other woman is more valuable.

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: catperson] #442222
04/19/19 04:11 AM
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stayingpositive Offline OP
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Ok

Re: Husband living w/ mom and affair [Re: stayingpositive] #442223
04/19/19 04:35 AM
04/19/19 04:35 AM
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HI
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Orchid2 Online
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HI
SP,

Welcome to MA. Very sorry you are having to deal with this serious matters. You have children in the mix and this makes it all the harder to deal with.

Please know that the man who looks like your H is now a WS. This means his guts have morphed into a personality that will not put the needs and responsibilities for your family first. He will put the OW's wants and lusts ahead of your family's basic needs (in some cases).

So start prepping to set a safe path for yourself, your family, your finances and your sanity.

We can help with that. Let us know how and when you want to start.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
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