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Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: SmilingWife] #441331
03/06/19 02:36 AM
03/06/19 02:36 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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SFB Offline
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Originally Posted by holdingontoit
My father is dying. He had a great run. Totally healthy and had his mental faculties until age 86 or 87. Able to live unassisted until 89. It is just his time. He has drastically cut down on eating and drinking despite entreaties from my mother and the nurses.

Mrs H has been very supportive since she has been through this before. Her father died a few years ago at a much younger age. She thinks I ought to be more upset. Maybe I will be when he is gone. But I don't like seeing him wither away and lose any ability to enjoy life. I am sure I will miss him. He has always been loving and supportive. I just want his suffering to end and I think this is the only way.


I am sorry Hold. (((Hold))) I don’t think it is wrong to hope the suffering will end.


Hold, let me add this as well: Hold} (the one armed Bro Hug...)

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441336
03/06/19 03:30 PM
03/06/19 03:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,958
holdingontoit Offline OP
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holdingontoit  Offline OP
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Thank for all the warm wishes. In many ways you guys and gals are the closest friends I have.

The hospice put him on morphine and told Mom to stop pressuring him to eat and drink more than he wants to. I expect ti won't be long now.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441339
03/06/19 03:57 PM
03/06/19 03:57 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Hold,

I know exactly where you are. Losing a parent, even one who's lived a long life--is one of the sad passages of life. I wish your father the most peaceful end to his life. Hospice nurses are amazing. My father is a doctor, so when my mother stopped eating and drinking--he couldn't stand it. He ran an IV to get liquids into her because he cried saying "she looks thirsty". He is in the business of prolonging life, but hospice helped him to understand that dehydration is part of the body's way of helping the patient to be more comfortable. It works kind of like hypothermia and creates a feeling of calm and peacefulness.

I will keep your family in my prayers.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441355
03/07/19 06:18 AM
03/07/19 06:18 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,370
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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I’m sorry, Hold and I know exactly what you mean. It’s a hard thing to decide, if we should pressure Daryl to eat, or attempt tube feeding or IV hydration.
So hard.

Hugs to you.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441358
03/07/19 02:58 PM
03/07/19 02:58 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,407
whatsupdoc? Offline
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That is sad news. I'm glad he, and your mother, have the hospice help and support they do.
.hugs.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441471
03/15/19 12:50 AM
03/15/19 12:50 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,963
South
O
Oblivious2678 Offline
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South
I’m sorry Hold. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m here to help in any way I can.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441474
03/15/19 04:34 PM
03/15/19 04:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,958
holdingontoit Offline OP
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holdingontoit  Offline OP
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Funeral was not as awful as I feared. My mother insisted on speaking and she managed to get through it well. Thank goodness she got a dog 18 months ago so she does not have to walk into her apartment alone over the next few weeks.
The device that lowers the casket into the ground by turning a crank broke halfway down. So they had to lower it by hand. My son assisted. He said the sound and feeling of the "thud" when the casket hit the ground underneath is something he will never forget.
Thanks again to all for the supportive words and prayers. I very much appreciate them.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441475
03/15/19 04:50 PM
03/15/19 04:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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My deepest condolences to you and your family, Hold.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441476
03/15/19 05:07 PM
03/15/19 05:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,676
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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Chrysalis  Offline
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SoCal
I am sorry for your loss.


Chrysalis
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441478
03/15/19 06:50 PM
03/15/19 06:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,370
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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I understand why your mother wanted to speak. I’m doing so as well. Writing it now.

I hope the days to come bring you all peace as you reflect on the good times and his memory lives on in each of you.

Sending you much love.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441479
03/15/19 07:23 PM
03/15/19 07:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,712
NewEveryDay Offline
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Hold I’m so sorry for your loss, I remember how special your Dad was to you.

How’s your son doing?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441485
03/16/19 01:46 AM
03/16/19 01:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,412
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Blair Offline
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Thinking of you and your family.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441486
03/16/19 01:49 AM
03/16/19 01:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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catperson Offline
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So sorry.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441491
03/16/19 05:54 AM
03/16/19 05:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,709
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
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HI
My dear Hold and family,

Losing a loved one hurts and yet can't be avoided. It is good you have cherished memories of your dad. It will help you and your family during this time.

You know your dad, how would he want you all to be during this time?

Please know that in many places close and far, there are those of us who are sending thoughts and prayers of strength to you and your family.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441494
03/16/19 12:52 PM
03/16/19 12:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,023
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SmilingWife Offline
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So sorry for your loss Hold.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: SmilingWife] #441500
03/16/19 05:28 PM
03/16/19 05:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,401
right here waiting Offline
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I’m sorry, hold. May the memories sustain you.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441528
03/18/19 02:53 PM
03/18/19 02:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,958
holdingontoit Offline OP
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Thanks all. A new picture of the 2 grandpas is now in our foyer. Mrs. Hold's mom brought it to the funeral.

Family drama never takes a day off. My uncles tried to pull a fast one immediately after the funeral. While we were receiving visitors. They wanted to change the way my grandfather's estate is handled. I told them I was not in favor of their suggestion and in any case, as it is not urgent (grandfather has been dead 35 years, nothing to do that can't wait until next week if not next month) I was not going to discuss it on the day I buried my father . They came after me 5 times over 2 days, trying to get me to agree to the change. My cousin yelled at her dad for being so inconsiderate. Thankfully, all us grandchildren are hanging together and presenting a united front to the uncles. Sad that we have to.

Of course I have seen this many times with clients but it feels different when it is your own family. The uncles think they have found a softie and an easy mark. They are so wrong.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441530
03/18/19 03:17 PM
03/18/19 03:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,370
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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So disgusting


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441532
03/18/19 03:40 PM
03/18/19 03:40 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,023
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SmilingWife Offline
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Oh my word.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441545
03/19/19 01:13 AM
03/19/19 01:13 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,412
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Blair Offline
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Wow. That is horrifying. Proud of you for being resolute while you have to bury your dear father. Hugs, Hold. Continue to be strong.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441553
03/19/19 10:08 AM
03/19/19 10:08 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,407
whatsupdoc? Offline
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whatsupdoc?  Offline
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Posts: 6,407
I am sorry for your loss.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441762
03/27/19 02:03 PM
03/27/19 02:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,958
holdingontoit Offline OP
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I am proud of myself. Sunday I took a long walk in the woods with a buddy and then did a bunch of yard work. Lots of time among trees and underbrush. Monday night I felt a painful bump on my butt when I got into bed. Mrs H is away for 2 weeks so there is no one home to check it out. Tuesday morning first thing I went to the doctor - with no female prompting. And guess what? It was a tick! With a nice red infected circle around it. The doctor removed it (in pieces) and then gave me antibiotics. Thank goodness I did not do the "guy thing" and figure it was nothing and would resolve itself.

Sorry to bother you with minutiae. But there were times in years past when I would have stayed away from the doctor on purpose figuring maybe an infectious disease would be my ticket out of my suffering. And with my Dad passing, I am surprised that I was so motivated to take care of myself. My doctor said he thought I had a better mood and demeanor than on past visits, and he was surprised to hear my Dad passed recently. So maybe the new AD med is working! In fact, he asked me to remind him what dose I am on, and when I told him how much he asked "are you lethargic? That dose would put plenty of people to sleep". I said "no, that just shows how far out of whack my brain chemicals were."

Last edited by holdingontoit; 03/27/19 02:10 PM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441767
03/27/19 07:15 PM
03/27/19 07:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,709
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
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Posts: 10,709
HI
Hold,

Sorry to hear about the 'tick', glad you took care of it quickly. Machoness is useless against nature. wink

Good to hear you are doing better and handling your grieving process in a positive way. There will still be times but you seem to have things in check and we are here as needed. smile

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #441769
03/27/19 10:15 PM
03/27/19 10:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,412
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Blair Offline
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Great job, Hold! Way to take the bull by the horns on that one. Ticks cause infection so I'm glad you got it taken care of.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #442118
04/14/19 12:20 PM
04/14/19 12:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,407
whatsupdoc? Offline
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whatsupdoc?  Offline
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That's a lot of detailed information.......

Glad you followed up with doctor. Disgusting and dangerous creatures, ticks. About as useful as a stink bug around here...


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
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