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Re: A Great Day [Re: TC_Manhattan] #439604
11/03/18 08:21 PM
11/03/18 08:21 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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My dear LG,

How are you doing?

You are truly in a difficult dilemma. As hard as it may be hear, you are enduring it and will survive. Please know that you are not alone in this journey.

Sending you hugz and positive thoughts from the middle of the big blue. smile

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439652
11/08/18 07:01 PM
11/08/18 07:01 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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LadyGrey  Offline OP
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This gets worse and worse.

Mother fell in the shower and is in ICU with broken ribs and I am not speaking to any of my siblings over the issue. I get all my info through my husband -- that "Block Caller" feature is really handy and works!

They are OK with my mother dying trapped under the coffee table or laying cold and alone in the shower -- no skin off my nose.

In a related event, I discovered that I have a first cousin named Elizabeth from my 23 & Me results.

I don't have a first cousin. My father was an only and my mother's only brother never had children.

My flights of fancy have me adopted. It would explain a whole lot. I mean A LOT. So many things that never made sense make sense.

I know it's just a fantasy but it would be really, really cool if it were true. So very cool.

Sigh.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439653
11/08/18 07:34 PM
11/08/18 07:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Vibrissa Offline
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Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
LG very sorry to hear about your mother.

And enjoy that fantasy, I say.

.... also, it's been a while


Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
DD 6 yrs
DS 3 yrs
Ze Blog
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439654
11/08/18 07:47 PM
11/08/18 07:47 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
This gets worse and worse.

Mother fell in the shower and is in ICU with broken ribs and I am not speaking to any of my siblings over the issue. I get all my info through my husband -- that "Block Caller" feature is really handy and works!

They are OK with my mother dying trapped under the coffee table or laying cold and alone in the shower -- no skin off my nose.

In a related event, I discovered that I have a first cousin named Elizabeth from my 23 & Me results.

I don't have a first cousin. My father was an only and my mother's only brother never had children.

My flights of fancy have me adopted. It would explain a whole lot. I mean A LOT. So many things that never made sense make sense.

I know it's just a fantasy but it would be really, really cool if it were true. So very cool.

Sigh.


Wow, that is terrible about your mom. Yikes.

I am thinking your mother's only brother did indeed have a child. Have you reached out to this person yet? I did the Ancestry DNA and proved that I am my father's daughter. He has never really admitted it. Of course I don't speak to him really and now my sister isn't speaking to him, so he will still probably never 'know' for sure.

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439656
11/08/18 08:19 PM
11/08/18 08:19 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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LG,

Very sorry to hear of your mom's accident. Our experiences may vary but for those who refrain from informing family updated on the health of relatives is cruel and inhumane.

I side with telling and let the recipient decide what to do with that info. That releases blame that becomes the guilt of not telling. In my case, wife 2 and my sister made the decision not to inform me of my father's health and death. That is guilt they will carry for the rest of their lives.
I have no intention of relieving them of that guilt as long as their attitude goes in that direction.

The life of all of us is important. Not all live that way or treat others as such but we can only control how we make our choices.

I have learned I can't control all circumstances to make the best choices. I have to recognize that some will make bad choices that can turn my world upside down. My job is to keep my world right side up as much as possible.

Thanks for keeping us updated.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439658
11/08/18 08:25 PM
11/08/18 08:25 PM
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LG, what are the steps between your mom fell and your are not speaking to your siblings? It’s tragic when families blame one another when they need community the most. You’re shutting out your brother who just lost his son last year?

I’m concerned for you that you’re making decisions you can’t undo.

Are you going to go see your Mom? Do you know her prognosis?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439661
11/08/18 11:38 PM
11/08/18 11:38 PM
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Hey Lady! ... (reminds me of a song) ... sorry to read of your mom's recent fall, and wishing her a speedy recovery.

major congrats on your daughter's pregnancy!!!

miss you! xoxo, marie


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439663
11/09/18 01:51 AM
11/09/18 01:51 AM
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Blair Online
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I'm sorry to hear abouy your mom. What are you going to do if your siblings refuse to do anything?

Maybe you are adopted. Or maybe someone really did have a child. Have any of your close family also done the genetic testing and do you still match with them?

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439670
11/09/18 01:52 PM
11/09/18 01:52 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Sorry to hear about your mother's fall. Glad to hear you took steps to insulate you from your siblings.

Also, I was struck that your husband is being the intermediary. Is your husband being protective of you, or does he feel put upon to be forced into this role?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439759
11/13/18 08:00 PM
11/13/18 08:00 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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I don’t think it’s either of the above Hold. He’s on the text message list is all and he asks me if I want to know.

It looks like my daughter is miscarrying although every fiber of my being — and we all know what an optimist I am /s — says she’s not. But I can’t say that when her doctor tells her it’s 99% sure.

Stupid doctor.

In a grand illustration of the irresistible force vs. the immovable object, my mother is trapped at the hospital as no one will pick her up and in any event her doctor has refused to discharge her home. She could leave against medical advice but I’m not sure she knows that and no one will pick her up. I think Adult Protective Services is now involved.

I suspect that means her choices are shrinking. My sister found a great hospice but she won’t consider it. The hospital won’t keep her forever as it’s not an old folks home. It may be that The Great State of Texas will be deciding her fate which I would guess is considerably less palatable than my sisters hospice.

Let this be a lesson to all of us. Have a plan and execute the plan.

Last edited by LadyGrey; 11/13/18 08:05 PM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #439780
11/14/18 03:02 PM
11/14/18 03:02 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Are purposely not on the list because you want to keep yourself away from the drama? And is your H is on the list so there is an avenue to get the information to you if you want or need it? But filtered so you don't have to see the stuff that would bother you? And your H performs this task without complaint? If so, then I think h is protecting you. Which is nice of him. we don't get to hear many nice things about your H. Which may well be justified. But this one jumped out at me for some reason. Just my curiosity. Sometimes it is helpful to notice the nice things that our spouses do for us. Helps us to appreciate the good parts.

I hope that your mothers shrinking set of choices includes one that suits you and her.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440242
11/30/18 06:58 PM
11/30/18 06:58 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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With the use of medication, my daughter passed her dead miscarried baby into the toilet last night. She was inconsolable. She wanted to see it. She keened, "my baby, oh god, my baby."

I woke her every hour to check her bleeding.

There are no words to adequately describe that experience.

Peter, my best friends' husband, just had emergency surgery for a brain tumor. They live in Austin. The tumor has tentacles they couldn't reach. That is very, very bad. Peter is the gentlest, kindest, most considerate man I know. I could list many people that deserve to have inoperable brain cancer. Why Peter? Why is John dead and my mother alive? Why does my brother suffer from unrelenting pain and my mother get relief from her narcotics? Why did my daughter lose her baby whilst unwed 15 year olds procreate like mad?

I must go see my mother. I must stay with my daughter. I must go to my friends. I must not be angry with my husband for going hunting this weekend. I must stop staring into space. I must take the dog on a walk and clean up the kitchen and finish the laundry and decorate the house and wrap the presents.

I must not start crying. I'll not be able to stop.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440245
11/30/18 07:42 PM
11/30/18 07:42 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
With the use of medication, my daughter passed her dead miscarried baby into the toilet last night. She was inconsolable. She wanted to see it. She keened, "my baby, oh god, my baby."

I woke her every hour to check her bleeding.

There are no words to adequately describe that experience.

Peter, my best friends' husband, just had emergency surgery for a brain tumor. They live in Austin. The tumor has tentacles they couldn't reach. That is very, very bad. Peter is the gentlest, kindest, most considerate man I know. I could list many people that deserve to have inoperable brain cancer. Why Peter? Why is John dead and my mother alive? Why does my brother suffer from unrelenting pain and my mother get relief from her narcotics? Why did my daughter lose her baby whilst unwed 15 year olds procreate like mad?

I must go see my mother. I must stay with my daughter. I must go to my friends. I must not be angry with my husband for going hunting this weekend. I must stop staring into space. I must take the dog on a walk and clean up the kitchen and finish the laundry and decorate the house and wrap the presents.

I must not start crying. I'll not be able to stop.


(((((Lady Grey))))) I have no words.

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440248
11/30/18 07:56 PM
11/30/18 07:56 PM
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I'm here, in Houston, if you need someone to talk to, or just hold you.

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440249
11/30/18 08:12 PM
11/30/18 08:12 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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LG,

I'm very sorry for your daughter's miscarriage and loss. Glad you are there for her. I know many others need and appreciate your help but remember you can only physically be in one place at a time but you can keep in touch with all our other technological devices and that can also help others. hug

So I'd like to share with you what my cousin just sent me this morning. Not many of my relatives have anything to do with me anymore, that's ok. This cousin is a real sweetheart and what she sent is very encouraging, I'd like to share it with you but since I don't know how to post this picture, it's embedded in the link. I just posted this on OBL's thread and hope it is helpful for you as well:

My cousin just sent me this:
Coping with Anxiety Tools

I don't know how to paste just that one picture, so please disregard the additional FB tabs.

My response: Anxiety happens to more people than we know. Each person's reaction will vary. Many don't even realize they are having an anxiety attack and in some cases it can happen repeatedly for days, weeks and months. I know, it happened to me. I visited a physician who helped me by sharing some tapping techniques that helps even children. This can be added to the tools mentioned above. You can go online regarding tapping. Google 'tapping for anxiety' and watch some videos. It is free to learn the basics and sometimes that's enough to help a person cope.

Hope this helps,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440253
11/30/18 11:48 PM
11/30/18 11:48 PM
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Blair Online
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I'm so sorry, hon. This is heart-breaking.

Your precious daughter needs you most. She needs her mum right now. Hugs for you.

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440263
12/01/18 07:08 AM
12/01/18 07:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Oh LG. You and I. We just can’t catch a break can we? I’m so sorry you’re going through any of this. Especially with your daughter, on the heels of everything else you’ve endured.

Just do the next right thing. That’s what I do. One right thing at a time. Moment to moment. It’s the best I can do.

Sending you love.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: A Great Day [Re: Miranda] #440275
12/01/18 08:02 PM
12/01/18 08:02 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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My dear LG,

How is it going for you and your daughter? I am concerned about your mom & Peter but for now, please let us know how you and your daughter are doing.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440332
12/03/18 08:31 PM
12/03/18 08:31 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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My daughter is in hormone hell, my mother has stopped eating and is on morphine, Peter is meeting with the neuro-oncologist today, and my husband went straight from pheasant hunting in South Dakota to Germany.

He genuinely dos not understand why I’m not OK. He doesn’t understand how flushing my I wish grandchild down the toilet was really traumatic. His emotional bandwidth is what it is,

For some reason cranking the Jackson Brown and Simon & Garfunkel and scrubbing all the cabinets and baseboards seems like the right coping mechanism until I go to Dallas on Wednesday. I should be putting up the Christmas decorations but I’m not feeling F*ing festive.

Last edited by LadyGrey; 12/03/18 08:45 PM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440334
12/03/18 09:01 PM
12/03/18 09:01 PM
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HI
LG,

Thanks for the update and the positive I see is that your coping skills are being tested but you are putting things in place one step at a time.

Cleaning is therapy for me as well but I don't get much therapy time. Consoling songs that help us face reality is helpful.

I've been thinking about you and your situation. Finding the right things to share.
Please keep us updated as needed.

Please take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440343
12/04/18 01:35 AM
12/04/18 01:35 AM
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Blair Online
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Your H is an emotional black hole per se. He is completely unable to offer emotional support. (What support, right??)

Simon & Garfunkel and cleaning is therapeutic. I will join you doing both in about an hour.

Five minutes at a time and you can get through this. Hugs.

Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440368
12/04/18 03:39 PM
12/04/18 03:39 PM
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Posts: 13,407
midwest
Miranda Offline
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My husband is the same way LG. I’m left to deal with my emotional state on my own. That’s why I’ve built a “village “ to assist me.

And yes, I’ve found coping mechanisms. I pour myself into my work. Loud music in the car. Etc.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: A Great Day [Re: LadyGrey] #440389
12/05/18 03:34 PM
12/05/18 03:34 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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So sorry to hear about your losses. Real body blows. Wish your H could see that you are emotionally bruised and bleeding. But far to much water under that dam.

I heartily agree that "feeling festive" has no place on your list of "shoulds" at this time. You have more than enough shoulds demanding your attention. Focus on your DD and tell the rest to take a hike.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: A Great Day [Re: holdingontoit] #440396
12/06/18 12:33 AM
12/06/18 12:33 AM
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Blair Online
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Originally Posted by holdingontoit
Gocus on your DD and tell the rest to take a hike.


Yeah, Hold!!

Hugs, LG. Lots of hugs.

So Very Tired [Re: LadyGrey] #440418
12/07/18 11:40 PM
12/07/18 11:40 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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My mother died this morning. I was there with my sister. This watching old people die thing is way overrated.

It was awful. Her breathing was agony to listen to. If someone had given me an syringe full of morphine I would have without hesitation given it to her, damn the consequences.

I'm not big on hanging around dead people. I tried not to see but we had to get all of stuff out of the room, no really no way to avoid it. I can't quite decide what to make of the whole thing, i.e. my entire life as her daughter, so I can't figure out how I'm supposed to feel. It wasn't like with my dad where I kind of knew I should feel sad. "Ding, dong, the witch is dead" feels extreme, but so do tears.

Was that worse than losing my I wish grandchild into the toilet? Maybe. But what I've learned after 58 years is that painful things can happen at the same time and one is not necessarily worse than the other.

I despise cheerful people. Have I ever mentioned that? When bad things happen, people are relentless in telling you why you shouldn't be sad because you still have whatever. I want to punch them. Just leave me the hell alone and let me be sad.

I just hope no one tries to cheer me up for at least a week -- a week is nothing to ask. I may punch them.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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