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one month in devastated and lost #438776
09/28/18 08:22 PM
09/28/18 08:22 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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And absolutely desperate for help.

Hi all, so I finally brought up the courage to sign up and here is my story.

I am 37 and so is my H. We have been married for 12 years and together for 19. We have 4 beautiful children, the last one having some health issues, which I think started leading us to the affair. Before we had our last child 4 years ago, we had a mc and the no. 4 was born with a very rare condition which affects his heart. Although he was diagnosed with a poorly heart at birth, the condition was just confirmed this summer. It comes with a number of issues and all that time my mother instinct told me that there is sth more than just his heart...They told us twice, that he won't live but nobody took the time to explain things to us, so I think I slipped into a post natal depression and was pulling back from everything and everyone. Was mostly sad and depressed and my H, who had always been my rock didn't seem to understand me this time. I became unhappy with our marriage and everything else and finally last year brought up the courage to talk to him. My H however understood it as if I was regretting my life with him. He went away on business and met someone from work that seemed to listen and understand him. He felt drawn to her and opened up to her about our marriage problems. At the end of the night they kissed and things went from there. After he came home, he felt like that I need to feel that something was up and since I didn't he felt that his feelings were confirmed of me regretting my life with him, not wanting him... So he began talking to the OW on the phone everyday on his way to work. At some point (4 weeks later -we had a huge fight and I told him I didn't want to loose him, he realized that it was all in his head) he anded the affair and hoped, I would never find out. By then I had a gut feeling as he pulled himself away, had started picking small fights...but he still would sleep with me, tell me that he loved me....
So a week after he had ended it, things actually started to improve a lot and I couldn't really believe it. So I don't know what promted me to look through his phone and found the call list to her. I just held the phone up to him and said, can you explain. My heart dropped and I felt sick to the stomach. He told me that it wasn't how it looked and that it was someone he met on that trip and that he wasn't happy and felt pushed away and thats why started talking to her and she actually tried to help...

I asked him soooo many questions and at some point, I let it go. However, it never really went away completly so I brought it up and every time, he stuck to the story. I asked, if he had kissed her, he said no, I asked if they had sex, he said no, I asked, if the talked every day, he said no... You get the picture.

Well a month ago yesterday, it was one of those days. I felt insecure and felt, I needed to bring it up again. (He was away on business again- different company now though)

And this is when he finally broke down, told me that there was more, then just friendly talk last year but he was affarid to tell me cause he didn't want to loose me, He said that he had a crush and it felt good to be appriciated and liked and that they ended up having sex. He said that during the act, he realized that it was wrong and that it didn't feel the same without feelings but continued as he didn't want to be seen in a bad light by her. The next day after it happened,he came home. Monday he went to work, they talked and from then on the talked for about a month every day (one week break in between, when we went on vacation)

And all this he told me over the phone. He then cut the business trip short and came home, as he didn't want to discuss on the phone. I was heartbroken, devastated and oh so sad. He told his boss what was going on and the boss gave him off so he could sort it out. Over the next few days we talked a lot and he did a lot of explaining and was willing to answer all my questions. He showed remorse and admitted that it was all his fault, that he got stuck on his ego trip and couldn't see anyone but himself. He said he was truly sorry and would do anything....
I went through his google history and and confronted him with things he searched for and how often they actually talked. He had resarched right after he came home from that first trip how to not fall for someone and how to unfall in love. When I asked him about it he denys ever having romantical feelings for her and that he doesn't remember searching for that. He also searched for translation for compliments nothing sexual though (She was from Mexico). Again when I asked about that, he said it had nothing to do with feeling anything but with trying to keep her interested enough to keep the conversations going as they made him feel good about himself.

He said he was so sorry that I have to feel that pain and that he doesn't like to see me so upset, That all he ever wanted was to be with me, making me happy and feeling loved by me and that he understands that he betrayed me and my trust and that he didn't want to be that person anymore. We read some books together, which really seemed to help us both understand how we got there. He was willing to go over and over the details again but said, that he doesn't remember everything. He said he knows that he is responsible for the pain he caused and understands that I am mad at the OW, but that he is more to blame as he was the married one and that he could have said no but didn't. This made me even more mad, as to me it just looked like protecting the OW and I told him that. He replied that he understands but that means giving her more significance than she should be getting as it didn't mean anything and that she needs to not be a part of our life anymore.

But how can he say it didn't mean anything, if he kept the conversation going for a month after they had sex? His answer was that for him it was two differnt things. The sex just happened in that moment without thinking and the talking afterwards felt good because it was like being in a bubble.

I asked him what the conversations were about, and he said anything and nothing, just whatever was happening that day, or when he was mad at me. I asked him, if he told her that he loves her, he said no. He says that for him he felt attracted to how it made him feel but not her as such and he knows that because he had no problem ending it for good (I do have proof of that). That he never missed talking to her or anything like that.
after a lot of talking, I felt like we were on a good track, he opened up to friends about it and was willing to work on communication and questions.. However and this is my biggest point.

Everytime we would go over the story, a new detail would emerge and when I ask him about it, he says he didn't want to hurt me even worse or make things worse and for him it doesn't make a difference, if he texted her on the weekend or at night or just during the week day. Or how often they actually talked because every text and call were too much in the first place and only to satisfy his ego. To me it DOES matter though, as I feel like being lied to all over again. I asked him to leave today as I am so confused. I don't want him to go. I see how much it hurts him, but I also don't want him to keep lying to me. I told him how can I start to heal and process, if I don't know everything. Am I being to harsh. Am I ruining something that is about to get fixed? I am so lost...

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438779
09/28/18 09:47 PM
09/28/18 09:47 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Welcome Hope. Am I understanding correctly this was a 4 week affair that ended over a year ago? When you say a new detail emerges what do you mean exactly? Do you believe the physical part was more than once? That it lasted longer than a week? Or do mean details like how often did they talk and text and what they talked about? Because it is probably true that much of that he doesn't remember.

You will have to decide how much detail you need/want and then stick to that. It will not be fair to your marriage to continue to bring it up again and again. On the other hand, he has to understand that HE has known about the affair since it began...YOU just now found out. So naturally after only a month you are very raw.

I would suggest you find a way to limit the discussions about her...this might require a marriage counselor. Then work on building a strong marriage for the future.

Others will be along with more advice....I have a insanely busy weekend, but will stop back by when I can.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438784
09/28/18 11:42 PM
09/28/18 11:42 PM
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Ok, so some things you can do right away - and these will test him. Let me say upfront that the way he is now acting? He is showing more upfront remorse than we see in probably 85% of all male cheaters. So I'm going to ask you to keep that in mind as you decide what to do. In the world of cheating, you're in a better place for possible successful outcome than most.

You can ask him to:
Take all passwords off all his electronics or else give you the passwords
Put a GPS on his phone so you can verify where he is
Write out a timeline of every single thing he can think of that involved her. Even as small as sending a text
Write a No Contact letter, telling her that he chooses his wife and this was a mistake, which YOU will approve and send - you don't have to actually send it, but it's a huge psychological barrier for him to cross, to think that she might read the letter (trust me)
Agree to going to MC with you for as long as you need it; in this therapy, you may start out talking about the affair but will eventually need to start talking about how to improve the marriage so it never happens again, as well as address things like your child issues, which as you know can take a real toll on your marriage
Read the book His Needs Her Needs with you and do the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires with you, so that you two can continue to improve the marriage

If he's willing to do these things, I think you have a really good chance of having an amazing marriage going forward.

I only have one issue that probably isn't even an issue, I probably read it wrong. But you said he had a new job, and that he told his boss that he cheated on his wife and needed to take some time off. Is that right? If so, unless this new boss was a friend of his, that is the ONLY thing that sounds like a lie.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438797
09/29/18 12:28 PM
09/29/18 12:28 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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Thank you for your replies. I am glad to finally have joined and be able to talk about it. As for the details that emerged. Yes it was things on how often they talked and about what. But I start shaking every time something "new" comes up. Yesterday after I asked him to leave, he come home early from work and he said tha he had a huge problem about being honest because he is scared of how I will react. I told him that I can't start healing, If I know only half of it. So he said down asked me to be still not interupt and let him tell me the whole story. He warned me that it would be ugly and that he feels very ashamed and disgusted about himself, that he could do that and that until today doesn't understand how he could. He told me that they had attempted sex the night before but it didn't get anywhere cause he was drunk and that they had said they would talk the next day. He also said that he felt relieved that it didn't happen. The next evening they met in her room again and he said he said down on the bed and then he can't remember what happened. he said he stayed sober cause he didn't want to have sex but doesn't remember what happened, what was said that let to it anyway. He said the earliest recollection is that he is on top of her feeling. "What am I doing, I don't want this but now I have to finish..." and that he ejaculated on her as they didn't use protection afterall. (he is fixed and since she asked for the condom, he felt he was special and didn't get the impression she is doing that kind of stuff a lot- don't ask me about that logic) . He also admitted texting during the weekend or late at night but only a few times but again that shocked me cause how can he do that, when I am laying right next to him. Everything else was as he had told me before. That he kept stringing her along and he felt disgusted with himself using two women. With her he didn't feel bad telling her enough to string her along, cause he didn't have romanitcal feelings for her and with me he didn't feel bad because I didn't know.

He said it was his little secret, that he needed to feel good about himself and to have sth. to put his energy in in order not having to think about our problems.

As for the new job, he started that two weeks after he had broken it off with her. I think she didn't like that and it sure was a blessing that it came up when it did. The company is very close knit and family oriented. he has a very good connecting with his boss, I don't think he told him exactly that he cheated only that he made a huge mistake and betrayed me. His boss said, that he went through a divorce last year and didn't want the same for my H and to go and fix it. I did actually see that string of texts with him.

Thats the next thing, right when it came out, he gave me all passwords and access to anything I asked for. I can varify his locations via google maps and the timeline, history there. And since last year everything matched up. I went through every single day. i went through his paypal to see if he had sent money or anything like that and he didn't. He also suggested MC right away. I was actually the one holding back not because I don't think it wouldn't help but because of the money as we already have so many bills for our youngest.

After he told me everything last night, I broke down physically. I don't have much strenghth left as it was trying to take care of our 4 kids and I hardly ate during the last month.

Now I am back to the throwing up. Can you help with that? Are there any strategies to combat that? It frustrates me cause as bizzare as that sounds, after all was said, I sort of felt relieve that there won't be anything more and that I want to fight for this marriage but why do I feel physically sick, vomitting. He asked me, if I want him to go or to stay and I really don't know at the moment. He asked me, when I think about what hurts more, when he is gone or when he is here. And I do think it actually hurts more, if he is not here. I know that I love him and always have. I am trying to come up with a strategie for the next step. I try to divert my thoughts but whatever I do, I still get nauseous. I feel like being thrown back to the start again, a little like the game Sorry...

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438798
09/29/18 02:23 PM
09/29/18 02:23 PM
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catperson Offline
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Ok, so it still sounds fairly hopeful. If you can, and want to, I think you have a good chance of saving the marriage.

As for you, pick at least one friend to confide in, do some physical activity - walking, running, yoga, go to IC by yourself, and go ahead and let yourself spend some time alone - in a quiet place, no distractions, where you can just sit and BE. Your brain has a lot of processing to go through, and you need to let it do it. Drink some broth for the next few days until your stomach is better, make sure to drink lots of water even if you don't want to. If you find yourself crying alot, get an egg timer and set it for 30 minutes, be alone, and just let yourself cry until the timer goes off and then get up, wash your face, and go do stuff. Tomorrow, set the timer for 29 minutes, rinse and repeat. Next day, set it for 28 minutes, and so on. By the end of a month, you should find yourself not needing to cry anymore.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438804
09/29/18 04:24 PM
09/29/18 04:24 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Hope I am so sorry you are going through this. Cat has given you good advise.....you have to force yourself to take a walk, get some sunshine, keep hydrated and to hold a least a little food down. Your system has had quite a shock....this is normal. However if you don't start to feel a bit better consider seeing a doctor who can probably give you something to manage it. Personally I prefer the route of avoiding the drugs if I can, but I also am aware sometimes they are necessary.

It feels like you have the truth from him. Do you think you can stop investigating and stop asking him about details now? Because there is only so much one needs to have stuck in their memories.
I would suggest you get a book called 'surviving an affair'. It is by Dr. Harley. It will give you and your husband some great tips and specific advise on getting through this. And then after that read a book called His Needs/ Her Needs by the same author. Great stuff there on how to build a strong marriage where should both get your needs met.

Here on this site is an article called 'Managing memories'. Someone knows how to link her to it would you please. I can never figure that out. Hope I think it will help you control your mind which is definitely a need you have right now.

Finally, this may seem weird coming from me since I was the betrayed wife almost 10 years ago.....but I have a certain measure of compassion for your husband. He has done a terrible thing and he has to live with it. Try and imagine how he feels......yes he brought it on himself but I bet he would do anything if he could undo it.

He is doing all the right things and I have high hopes for this marriage. If possible, keeping your children's FOO intact is a very lofty goal.

Hang in there.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438807
09/29/18 06:32 PM
09/29/18 06:32 PM
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HI
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
Hope4,

Welcome to MA. Very sorry you are here and experiencing a variety of challenges.

As to your particular situation, dealing with a child who has an health condition is difficult by itself. To add the A into the mix is equally difficult.

That being said, your H is more forthcoming with you than most of ours were/are.

Right now, you need to go to the doctor to treat your anxiety. Very common reaction for a BS (that's you, th betrayed spouse).

I have to go to an all day meeting, so I'll stop here and let the others continue with their support posts. smile

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438811
09/29/18 06:41 PM
09/29/18 06:41 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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Thank you both very much. This really does help. I had ordered the book you recommmened already and it should come today. To answer your question. I believe I finally can stop asking questions. I think I had the urge to keep asking because I felt in my gut that it wasn't all. I don't know if it matters in the end whether it was only the one night or the two? That is something I have to figure out for myself.

I will try hard to make myself eat and drink and stay healthy. I was quite shoked getting out of the shower this morning and realizing how thin I had become. I absolutely agree on avoiding any medication as far as I can. But H did call a therapist this morning to get an appointment. I got the number from my friend.But since its the weekend no one answered so he left a message and we will call back monday.

I will see, if I can find that article you mentioned as well. Cat I did find those questionairs you mentioned as well. We will go through them together as well. My daughter (13) came to me the other day and told me that she was proud of me that I am not just giving it up but that I am trying to work it out. I also read an article here on this page where it states that the H wasn't the only one speaking the vows but the W as well and even if he failed to keep his, doesn't mean that I have to not keep mine as well. This was eye opening and I will try to remember that going forward.

As for my H. I can absolutely see a change in him. He started going to church, which he never did. He never even believed but something in him changed that he is open to that, which also gives me hope. I can see that he is struggling because I can see it hurts him, when he sees me like that. Hearing the hope from someone, who doesn't know us personally and only my story, helps me focus on what I want for us and for our family. Thank you

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438814
09/29/18 07:25 PM
09/29/18 07:25 PM
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catperson Offline
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Hope, don't do the questionnaires until after you've read the book His Needs Her Needs together. You won't understand what they're really asking, so it won't really help. Many families here get HNHN and just read one chapter a night, at bedtime, after the kids are in bed. Gives you another day to sit on what you learned, before getting back to it the next night.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438815
09/29/18 09:57 PM
09/29/18 09:57 PM
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Blair Offline
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SW, is this the article you meant?

Dealing with Triggers

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Blair] #438857
10/01/18 08:58 PM
10/01/18 08:58 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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I just went digging for Mark's great article on managing memories because I remembered when he wrote it. The one Blair posted is the right one, Hope, but there's a lot of info, so take it slow.

As miserable as you are, be aware that you are very lucky to have a remorseful husband, especially so early on. It is rare. Usually, a wayward spouse does NOT want to look at himself... to admit the terrible thing he's done, much less look at the agony he's inflicted on his wife. So the self justification goes on and on--sometimes even when he wants to put things right!

In your case, your husband really didn't want to lose you, which is why he gave you the dreaded "trickle truth" that just twists the knife with every new revelation. More often, they leak the details out under duress to because it makes them look bad! They are ashamed and embarrassed, and usually very angry that they got caught. My husband yelled, loudly and repeatedly, that I "had no right to invade his privacy," eek I kid you not.

But then, he didn't confess--he'd changed so much toward me, I knew something was up, so I snooped and found the evidence. Made him really mad, but that was 12 years ago, and he eventually came out of self justification mode. We put ourselves back together with a lot of difficult talks, hard work, and determination, using the information and tools in Dr. Harley's books.

You are starting from a much better place. Your husband is already remorseful and has broken all contact with the other woman. See your doctor about the nausea and the anxiety. If s/he prescribes something, take it. It is a temporary aid. Like you, I was very against taking anything, but I was such a mess, I knew I needed all the help I could get.

Be kind to yourself, and be as kind as you can be to your husband. He is suffering for what he's done to you AND TO himself. He's got a lot to overcome too,

Blessings, from one who's been there and feels your pain. You guys are gonna make it. I just know it, and you will be stronger for working it through.

Last edited by right here waiting; 10/01/18 09:14 PM.
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Blair] #438859
10/01/18 09:56 PM
10/01/18 09:56 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by Blair
SW, is this the article you meant?

Dealing with Triggers


Yes that is the one. And yes RHW is correct it is a lot of info....Mark is very wordy, but very wise.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: SmilingWife] #438862
10/01/18 10:23 PM
10/01/18 10:23 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
...... And yes RHW is correct it is a lot of info....Mark is very wordy, but very wise.


I agree about the 'very wise' statement and definitely worth the read. smile


Orchid
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438869
10/02/18 12:25 PM
10/02/18 12:25 PM
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Hope,

Welcome to MA--sorry you need to be here.

I do know exactly how you feel. I remember the dreaded trickle-truth, the nausea and weight loss, the panic and anxiety. I also remember telling my husband "If what you did doesn't destroy our marriage--my reaction to it will". After the discovery, after the confession, after the sordid details, his guilt and my anxiety and numbing shock--the biggest threat to my my marriage was no longer the (ended) affair, but my helplessness at stopping the "movies", insecurity, blame and fear. Eventually, knowing more details can have diminishing returns.

Hope, as awful as this is--you guys have been able to handle this in a way that makes it possible for you to recover your marriage. It won't be the same marriage, and in many ways, it will always be damaged in the sense that it leaves you with a loss that cannot be filled. But in other ways, your marriage can be better--in the sense that you're both wiser, more committed, and more realistic about how to be less vulnerable and more aware of the depth of your history, connection and love.

In the end--much of it boils down to forgiveness. I am not saying to forget this, but if you can't reach forgiveness you will continue to live a life of anxiety and hyper-vigilance that will make you sick. Remember that forgiveness is not something you give to him. It is a gift that you give yourself. It is the willingness to take back your power and light. It is a declaration that you will not allow another woman to invade your marriage, your bed, or your brain.

((((((((((((((((((((Hope)))))))))))))))))))))


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438872
10/02/18 01:57 PM
10/02/18 01:57 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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Thank you very much... I guess I made it through another day. I did read the article but had to read it a few times to try and get it. It sure makes sense but doesn't seem always possible but I hope with time it will. I did make an appointment with my doctor this week. I told her, that I want a STD test done as well since he didn't use protection. It scares the living daylight out of me and after I made the appointment I wanted to call back and cancel it right away. But I guess I have to think about our kids here as well. As for the holes in his memory, what I found was that I was trying to fill those holes with my imagination and then pretty much told him thats how it was right? And in order not to get me more upset, he would say: "I don't remember, maybe I did" Which I only heard as "Yes thats how it was". So I had to bring myself to stop doing this and realize that it wouldn't do us any good. As I realized, that I wouldn't be able to fill those holes. It is just very hard to understand, that he can totally forget things. I sure don't want to be that resentful, angry person. I can see how much he is hurting too and sometimes I just want to crawl in his arms and hold him and be held and sometimes I just get so angry, cause it hurts so much and no matter how much I tell myself a pitty party for myself won't help things, I just can't help it then.
I can't tell you how much it helps just to know that I am not alone in this and to see that so many have made it through. Thank you for this

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438873
10/02/18 03:07 PM
10/02/18 03:07 PM
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catperson Offline
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If he's truly remorseful, and it sounds like he is, his brain may be fudging his memories out of shame, out of self protection. Most likely, those details will start filling in, with time.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: catperson] #438876
10/02/18 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by catperson
If he's truly remorseful, and it sounds like he is, his brain may be fudging his memories out of shame, out of self protection. Most likely, those details will start filling in, with time.


True. But Hope, remember what Starfish said above about too much detail having diminishing returns. Try to think big picture with eyes on the future. Read Mark's article over and over because you will get something new out of it each time. I will tell you a secret, wink I sometimes have trouble reading Mark's writings...I just can't concentrate. I was astounded though at how much I learned when I finally settled down and soaked it in.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438878
10/02/18 06:09 PM
10/02/18 06:09 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Stop trying to "figure out" the old marriage and what he did or didn't do. Focus on what you want the new marriage to be. Figure out how to communicate to your H what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Which hopefully includes leaving him and trying to find it with someone else if he doesn't want to go there. See if he is willing to work toward the kind of marriage you want to have. If you are lucky, what you want and what he wants are (with hard work and willingness to negotiate and compromise) compatible. If they are not, best you learn that now rather than later.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438880
10/02/18 06:21 PM
10/02/18 06:21 PM
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Posts: 10,272
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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HI
Have a very 'frank' discussion with him about being honest. There are worse things than the A. What? Losing trust and having insecurities will destroy a M and R faster and longer.

So let him know he isn't doing you any favors by withholding info. On the flip side you have to be strong enough to hear it. This is where a good support group is important.

Including IC/MC sessions as needed. Make sure you get one who isn't 'by the book'. Rather get one who can be flexible in knowing how to adjust the sessions to get you the most support and healing options out of it. Better to get one who has had experience dealing with A issues. It's not as easy as it looks.

Understanding what makes a WS tick is difficult. Their though process is not logical or caring. Empathy is often a quality to flee a person who becomes a WS and this makes them more inhumane which shows by how much the A affects them and those around the WS.

Still as a BS and family, you have the 'right to know'. You have to be prepared to handle this knowledge because even if he is truly remorseful, your end has to be able to forgive and move forward as a couple and family.

So know your boundaries. Then you will know if you can stay married to him as he is and as he will be or not. Your healing can start now and his healing has to start now.

Don't absorb or explain things for him. Learn when to turn in and help vs when to pull back and watch. Patience is a virtue that many find hard to attain. Still it is one of the important qualities.

Take care,

Last edited by right here waiting; 10/03/18 01:44 PM. Reason: Privacy, removed member's real name

Orchid
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438881
10/02/18 07:08 PM
10/02/18 07:08 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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You are absolutely right. We had that discussion and he knows what is at stake, if he lied again. He said he doesn't want to be that person anymore but that he needed help to make sure he will not cave, once a difficult situation arises and it seems easier to lie. He found himself an IC (I forgot to mention that he had started with that three weeks ago) and started talking to our pastor in church. (A year ago, he wouldn't even attend church and now he goes every sunday, goes to a men's group and bible study) I think that I can at least trust, that he really wants to put in the work from his end. Last friday he told me the rest of the story and I do believe that I have all apart from what actually let to the sex on the second day. (He told me that after the failed attempt from the previous day, they wanted to talk and he made sure to stay sober cause he didn't want it to happen but doesn't remember what happened that changed his mind and it did happen, he says that piece he is missing. He says he remembers walking in her room sitting down on her bed and that they had sex but doesn't remeber the conversation or hat let to the sex.) I don't know why this piece seems to be so important to me. I guess to just have the full picture on what drove him to the sex after all since he said, he felt some sort of relieve that it didn't happen the day before and that he didn't want to do it again. He says he sees himself sitting on that bed in a white t-shirt and the sun shining through the window but knows that it had been dark already and that he was wearing a button shirt (he doesn't own white ones). He also doesn't remember what he texted her int he following weeks but remembers that he felt bad for her cause he knew, he didn't want a relationship with her but didn't want to give up that good feeling of being admired either. He said he was so ashamed by that cause he felt, if I knew that, I couldn't love him knowing that he was able to do that. However, I think "HOTI" got it right, when she said, that I need to try and focus on the future not the past. I know what husband I want and I know, that if he cannot overcome the lying out of fear, how I would react, that I cannot stay in this marriage. I need him to trust me the same way that I need to be able to trust him. He was recommended by his IC the book "out of the dog house" (horrible title but very helpful advice written in a way that seem to sink in with him). Bottom line, Yes I am very hurt and wish it hadn't happened to us but I am trying to see it as a chance to build something better, because if I am very honest to myself, then I know that our marriage was in a bad place for a while before the A happened. Which still is no excuse that it happened but I am trying to see it more like a chance for change rather than just that evil thing that happen to me. If I can hold on to that feeling that it wasn't all for nothing, then I really think my husband and I have a true chance together.

Last edited by Hope4us; 10/02/18 07:22 PM.
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438885
10/02/18 08:12 PM
10/02/18 08:12 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Hope,

A very helpful counselor, Al Turtle, told me that when we don't have all the information about something, our mind fills in the blanks with the scariest shyte we can think of! And boy is that true--Not just for infidelity either---for everything! This is how our minds work. And these are the situations that trigger our fight or flight mechanisms/chemicals. In that state, we are incapable of much more than fear, anxiety, and pain.

But IF you can forgive and concentrate on the future instead of the past--your logic, your peace, and your love can return. I won't lie--the pain doesn't truly ever go away completely. It's a bell that cannot be "un-rung". However, in the music of my life--it is only a very small part of the melody.

I see many reasons in this story to be hopeful and encouraged. nod

Last edited by star*fish; 10/02/18 10:37 PM. Reason: grammar

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438895
10/03/18 06:10 AM
10/03/18 06:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,339
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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Hope, your H is doing all the right things. I would have given anything to have had my husband show such remorse and effort to leave his wayward, entitled self behind. That often comes late in the wayward's path home. But if anyone could capitalize on that to save their marriage, it would be you.

But understand, it will not, and can not be accomplished quickly. Your pain is deep, and healing will take time, patience and willingness to forgive. But cheap forgiveness won't do the trick, which is largely why recovering takes so long. Such a major betrayal cannot be gotten over quickly, nor be forgiven quickly. But if you really want to grow old with this man, and have your kids grow up in a loving, healthy family, you'll meet him halfway, to start, and over time as you realize that you're still persevering, you will find encouragement. And in the end, love, and forgiveness.

For me, real forgiveness came after everything else. After the tears, the pain, the fights and my anger. After wanting to throw in the towel I can't even guess how many times. It comes when you finally trust yourself to believe that he is sorry, and that he does want to do what he can to help you heal.

Originally Posted by Hope4us
...because if I am very honest to myself, then I know that our marriage was in a bad place for a while before the A happened.

I'd be surprised if anyone here who's experienced this nightmare didn't admit the same thing. When our needs go unmet, however unwittingly by our spouse, it leaves us vulnerable to someone else who fills them because it's so very gratifying. I direct you to something he outright told you:
Quote
...he didn't want a relationship with her but didn't want to give up that good feeling of being admired either.

Your husband clearly and admittedly has an emotional need--to be admired, thought well of. We all do, but some of us need it more than others. My husband was another who did, but he never told me. It's very hard to tell someone, even someone we love, how vulmpnerable. Sometimes we can't even put it into words. You will find many gems involving people's needs in Dr. Harley's books. If you're like me, you will find yourself wondering how you missed the messages your husband was sending. You sent him similar messages. You'll figure our what they were as you work through the books. I hope you'll go through them together.

Quote
Which still is no excuse that it happened but I am trying to see it more like a chance for change rather than just that evil thing that happen to me. If I can hold on to that feeling that it wasn't all for nothing, then I really think my husband and I have a true chance together.


I very much believe you do.

Last edited by right here waiting; 10/03/18 06:19 AM. Reason: Typos & general cleanup. :)
Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438899
10/03/18 10:41 AM
10/03/18 10:41 AM
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Blair Offline
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I would have given almost anything to have a remorseful and respectful H. (He's now my Ex.) You and your H should have a lot of hope for a better future.

Get the STD testing done. Explain to your doctor everything that is going on. She can help with your anxiety also. And I'm sure she's heard all of it with many of her other patients too. You'll have to go back for follow up testing too. Hang in there.

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #438909
10/03/18 01:50 PM
10/03/18 01:50 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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ahhh I just wrote a whole response and it disappeared.

Right here waiting, I agree with you that it will take a long time to heal and that I am deeply hurt. I know that there will be good and bad days (I think today is a tough day), where I need a lot of energy to push the negaive thoughts away. I know that it will take a long time to forgive the hurt he has caused and the betrayal and lies but i know that I want to be able to forgive him one day and try to work towards that. I try to live by the quote that I read: "Tell the negative committee in your head to sit down and shut up" and by what Holding on to it said about stop trying to find answers for the past. But I do think its important to look at what let to the affair and work on that. Communicate what went wrong and which needs stayed unmet. I think I used the wrong word (admirevs. validate) but it doesn't matter in the end as the bottom line is the same, that a need stayed unmet. and I think reading that book will help. (got to finish the other one first)

English isn't my first language so sometimes it is hard for me to bring my thoughts into words. We are both from Europe and sometimes it would be nice to have that support or just someone to take the kids so my H and I have time.
But we did plan to spend the weekend away on the lake this weekend as the kids have monday off. So we are trying to focus on family time as well. I do worry though that the hotel will be a major trigger and I would ruin the weekend for everyone.

Blair I did reschedule the appointment after all, I am super scared about it but i did reschedule for next week and I called my friend to come with me and to make sure that I go. My husband offered to come and explain to the doctor but i didn't feel comfortable with that. I wish I could send the bill for that and the IC and MC to that woman. I know my H is to blame cause he could have said no but I do am angry that she just gets on with her life and I have to pay for it litterally twice. But again negative committee sit down...

Re: one month in devastated and lost [Re: Hope4us] #439199
10/12/18 05:08 PM
10/12/18 05:08 PM
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Hope4us Offline OP
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I just wanted to leave a quick update on our situation here. I have been reading a lot in this forum and books that were recommended to us. Compared to some of those stories, I feel silly to even complain... But despite the more positive outlook for my situation, it still really hurts. However, I drifting. I just wanted to leave an update on how things have been going here. We both did the STD test and my H came with me to mine to explain to the doc, why I needed it. We just got the results this morning and all came back neg. So that was a huge weight off. Last weekend we spent away in MI. Although there were a few tough moments, it was nice to spend time together and to get out. The kids really enjoyed it too. My husband also said that through IC, he realized that he needed to work on himself too. He said he realized that it wasn't only our problems and his unmet needs, that contributed to the A but also his "character". He said that he realized that he is too friendly and social as he always worried what other's thought of him. He never saw the harm in being "just nice" and didn't realized that this was a problem and could lead to misinterpretation...He said he realizes now that that meant not being 100% committed and that he will work in IC to change that. He said he wished that he had been stronger and just said "no" and that he doesn't understand, why he couldn't. As for me I stopped the questions, as I realized that I won't be able to change what happened or make it hurt less. I started eating again and even put a pund back on during last week. I don't feel as drained anymore. I know that it is still a long way but I am hoping the sad days become less. Thank you for listening and for your advice. I can't say how much it helps and how much I appreciate it. I read through some old posts and some answers made me even laugh and I can't tell you how good it feels to laugh. Thank you. I will hang around, if you don't mind and maybe down the road will be able to help someone else like you help me.

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