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HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair #437507
08/09/18 06:03 PM
08/09/18 06:03 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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Hello all. I am new to the forum but have been reading threads over the past week. I finally got the courage to sign up and ask for help.

My H and I are both 40 and have been together 20 yrs. Married for 14. Have a 5yB and 8yG. We have had a good marriage over all but the last year he seemed to have been more distant and definitely more neglectful of me and our children (i.e., did not buy me a Christmas gift, Valentines Day was slim to none affair, I took care of all kids birthday parties and buying gifts for the kids..he said he wasn't into buying presents for the sake of buying presents for me and that we had anything we needed already...though he was fine accepting gifts I bought). Due to his job which was very stressful we kept home and work separate. He worked a lot and I was a SAHM for the last 7 years.

For the last 3 years he has worked very close with his secretary. There were trials and tribulations at work and he said they formed a close bond at work. In fact he said he formed a close bond to everyone there. Her whole family worked there so in essence he had made himself another family. His work family. He said it first started as a friendship and they developed feelings for each other in the last 2 years and in the last year as of October they took it to an A. He started spending time with her and her 2 our of 3 children. Taking them to parks, aquarium and zoo and to eat. He did a lot of eating out with the coworkers and then did stuff with her and her kids. He took her and her kids (1 yrG, 19yr G and 17B) to all the places we would take our kids in the past. He essentially didn't have any novel ideas and replicated our life with her and her kids. It is a split-self affair. A one-up and one-down relationship. Where she had a hard upbringing and he was well off and he was her knight on a white horse. He was her meal ticket. Who doesn't want to go to work and not work and have a hunky boss take her to eat and her kids to fun things. She was looking for an upgrade. She had just got married a year ago and has a 1 year old. What is sick this affair started after she gave birth. He swears he has not have sex with her and hasn't had physical contact with her. But who knows. I digress. BTW she and I look completely different. I am typical weight, and size and sporty and she is short, round and tubby. He is typically very picky on looks and is a very fit man so it was very surprising he would find her attractive. He claims she is wonderful person. but what wonderful person steals another woman's H. And gives him a burner phone so his wife doesn't find out about them?

Background info: He is a typically socially anxious person. He doesn’t like many people. He needs a lot of exposure to same people to feel comfortable. Doesn’t make friends easily or let people in easily. I am total opposite. Very gregarious and makes friends easily.

Anyway, I found out April 23rd. We have been having intimacy issues, which I thought was due to this sports supplements he was taking. I caught him taking care of himself watching porn on his phone which he claimed but it looked like he was video calling someone. This all came after he swore that we would work on his issues together, he ran away from me with his phone. Like a teenager. He swore it was porn. I believed him but was suspicious. I put a parenting app on his phone and computer to monitor him. I was still suspicious so i went ahead and looked into his Google activity...knowing he probably used incognito tabs but what I found was a bunch of locations and activities he has been going to not with me and the kids. Family locations and also a few places we had gone to that I said I wanted to go back to but we never did. Most of them were places I introduced him to. I confided in a friend who told me he was definitely having an affair. I confronted him and he swore it was just hanging out with coworkers. Work had been tough last 2 years and things were finally getting good so he was enjoying his time and relaxing with his coworkers and was treating his staff. Like a fool I reluctantly tried to believe him. I impressed upon him our kids are growing up and he needed to spend time with them while we had time. That that spare time with the coworkers having fun was not only neglectful of his family but also not right to spend work time playing. My parents own the company he works for. In fact he had nothing without my parents help and previously I supported us when he was jobless and I was pregnant with our first.

For the month of May, it was very difficult in our R. I asked for full transparency and Google location sharing. I reminded him that the coworkers were not his real friends and that should he stop writing a paycheck they would soon disappear. That we were his family and were were not every going anywhere. But he should treat us better. I started keeping track of places he would go on his Google Maps. About this time she gave him a burner phone so they could communicate without me finding out. His brother visited and I told his brother about the coworker situation. He was supportive of keeping our marriage intact but was of course the H brother. Not sure if his brother told him that I was tracking him. Somehow H found out about the parenting app. He started leaving his phone at the office when he went out with her. In June, I visited my parents with the kids. We were suppose to be gone a month. He was suppose to visit halfway for a week. Our R had been rocky because my lack of trust in him. He barely called when we were gone. After the first week away I had a panic attack. My first. My folks thought I had a heart attack. I told H the next day. That evening I tried to call him and was unable to reach him for 7 hours! I was worried for my H safety. I thought he got in a car accident or something. It was approaching mignight where I was so I reached out to a co-worker friend of his and his secretary via text. That was the first time I made contact with either in hopes to find him. I also contacted his brother. He and I made calls to H number but his VM lead to some other VM that said to leave a message for this unknown number. Secretary and coworker both said he was probably fine. He finally got back to me and said he had left his phone in his car to work. I was exhausted and relieved to hear he was ok. I went to bed.



The next day I wondered why his phone was in the car for 7 hrs. This man is never with out his phone. From wake to sleep. It is his right arm. He poops surfing his phone. I looked into his google activity, found searches of where to go romantic places in our city with a woman and toddler, among many other searches and found love messages he sent her. It was June 8th. Actual confirmation of the emotional affair. I told my parents and emailed him and confronted him. Told him to call me when he woke up. He didn't. I called him and he confirmed it. He said he loved her and me. He said he could not choose. I told him to save his marriage he needed to come to see me and the kids. It took him 3 days to get the ticket. I had to be one the phone with him. I told his family and my friends. We do not share any friends as his friends are all coworkers which he effectively kept separate from me. He came my parents picked him up gave him a talking to. Not yelling just serious. Said she needed to be fired. He brokered 2 weeks for her. He was with us for 3 days June 11-14. Lots of crying by me. Him in his checked out affair fog and basically not seeming remorseful about it but rather that he was shocked he got caught. He went back home. He was suppose to come out with his preplanned ticket in 5 days. Called and said he wasn't coming back. My parents acted like he killed me and they were too intense for him. He said i could come home early if I wanted to. The kids and I traveled home June 18th. I had told him I had left him his Father's Day gift at home that I bought before we left. Stupid me. I dont think he even appreciated it. Meanwhile he continued to see her. He kept his phone in the car so i couldn't track him. I found out later via an online credit card bill (one that he only has and I had not access to) he had taken her and her family and his workers to a fancy steak house near our home. Among other regular restaurants. He had swore he didnt use a credit card with her. Only cash. LIES UPON LIES.



June 18 to 25th He went to work everyday except for Sunday. Spent all day with her. "Transitioning" her job to her 19 y old. Since she was to be done with work at the end of the month. The 19 y old kid...Who I learned later also knew of the affair. Everyone of his coworkers/family knew. I was the idiot who didn't. I trusted my husband for 20 yrs. Implicitly. He said she was not easy to replace and to find someone to trust so to hand the job to her kid. Plus they needed the money and the daughter had to pay for college. And stupidly my parents and I agreed to it. It was a hard week for me. He said he was working on what it was he wanted. Our family or her. I have told him repeatedly he had to chose either me and the kids or her and her family. On June 25th I found the burner phone in the car. I was shocked. I confronted him. Cool as a cucumber on the outside a wreck on the inside. I found my baseline. This is where we are in the R. I said he needed to make a choice. I got him to unlock the phone. He said it was hers. refused to unlock. I persisted. I read everything. looked at the searches. He had looked up where to propose to a woman in our area and how to kiss a woman. He said he needed to talk to her. Spend the day with her the next day to decide what he wanted to do. And stupidly I agreed. he needed to make a choice. I decided a while back not to kick him out. I wanted that if he left it was on him. Not that I broke the marriage. I did not want the kids to blame me for kicking him out. I told him to give her phone back and might as well use his phone to call her.

I was a wreck the next day. He left early. Spent all day with her. Took her to our restaurant. Turned off his tracker. Didn't call me all day. I spent the day at a kids indoor playground letting my kids place with their friends. A dear friend kept me company and I spoke to his one coworker friend who was pro-our marriage (that I first reached out when I couldn't find him that 7hrs) throughout the day. At the end of the day he text he was coming home to me and the kids. 2 hrs later he came home. The kids were starving.I thought he would be home earlier. He just kept us waiting.

She was suppose to be done with work June 29th. That whole week leading up to that day he said he would drive her around and help her start a business since he cared for her as a friend that he didn't want her to struggle. He spent the entire week instead of transitioning her work load to the daughter. He drove her around buying supplies for her new business spending a lot of our money and all his time setting up her LLC. He promised me that it would be over that Friday. That I needed to just hang on. That he felt obligated to her and her family. He made promises and that now he wasn't going to be with her he would feel better taking care of this. Like a fool I relented. He said he would go to couples therapy the following week. Something he really didn't want to do. I believed him.

That weekend he moped. He listened to sad songs. I wept alone in the closet. The only place I felt safe. I had been living in there most days when I wasn't planning playdates for the kids or serving them meals. I was not being a good mom. I was so sad.



July 3rd. First and only couples therapy. He didn't like it. Said he wouldn't do it again. I did not know he continued to see her at work. She no longer worked there but her kid did so she could stop by any time. I continued to see the therapist weekly on my own for support until this week. I went to the doctor this week. My blood pressure was 210 over 100. He put me on xanax and lexapro.I continued to have panic attacks and major depression. but after a few days on both. I was suicidal and no energy and with his approval I stopped all meds. I do not take any medication at all typically. so this was a lot for me. The following week I saw my doctor 2xs. He took me off meds. I was back to my 100/86 blood pressure. I went to my OB and did pap and STD blood panel. All was normal. H said he didn't have sex, but I needed to protect my children. I could not be sick. I may be depressed etc but if my kids were all I had I needed to be well. My parents came to spend time with us. July 14th, I decided I couldt do this any more. I had lost 20lbs in 1 month. My friends and familyall toldme to kick him out. They said to teach him a lesson. And also not to accept his indecision. I told him I was done that morning. When he came back he said he wanted to try work it out with us. I said it wasn't good enough and he left. He didnt fight for us. When I picked my kids up from my parents house they asked where he was I told them he left. My kids were crying for him and vomiting. They were so upset. I called him to come back. But he had already called his affair partner and she was packing her 1 yr old and coming to meet him at work. He told her he was leaving his family. She was coming to be with him. I was shocked. He finally came home and we put the kids to bed. He said he was out the door. That his mind was pretty much made up to leave us because I told him to go. It was going to take him a while to come back mentally from this. I was shocked. How this all got so messed up.

The following week I kept being sad. Then on July 20th I found out he was at our bakery with her. He claimed he was alone eating lunch, when I pressed he said he was helping her with online stuff for her business. He said he had to go and I said if he hung up I would show up with the kids. He said that if i did that he would "LEAVE YOU FOR SURE". I was at a friends house playdate for our kids. I was devastated. Every time he told me that he was with me and the kids and I believed him his actions proved otherwise. everyone including his mother told me to leave him.That evening he wanted to go on a date night. I was confused and I wanted to go. I wanted to know what the end game was. We had a decent time despite everything. I told my dad about the bakery scenario. My dad made the decision to fire him the next day. He could no longer handle what my H was doing to me. H was enraged that Saturday after being fired. He took it out on me and the kids. Told me he wasn't going to live here any more. Our house is owned by my parents. Told my kids their grandfather did this to us. said my dad better watch his back. That things are going to go missing. He said he was going to take a trip and go away for a few days. Think about what he wanted to do. He may go on this trip alone or with her.



That Monday July 23rd my dad decided to go and change the locks to the business. Unknown to me. Everything was tagged and logged at work. The coworkers of my H called and told him. He flew in a rage on the phone with me. Told me that he was moving out for sure. That my dad better watch his back and threatened his life. I was scared. I took the kids and went to a friends. Later I called and he had calmed down and I asked if I could come home to put kids in bed. He said that he would actually never hurt anyone and that he was just mad. He went to get the security dog from work. It is his dog at work but she also took care of this dog and liked it too.It was their baby. He brought it home as he did not want to leave it at work. My dad hates dogs. Now it is in our/my dads house. I like dogs ok. It is not the dogs fault. But when I see it it just reminds me of her.



July 24th Tuesday. I went to consult a lawyer of my rights and divorce proceedings. His death threats and his reaction to the take over scared me. I read the thread Let Them Go Here on MA adn about 180. He came home from seeing her and his coworkers and taking them to coffee to discuss the takeover of my dad as he calls it. That night I turned to him and told him that I was done. I was ready to let him go. If he wanted to leave because she made him happy go for it. I loved him enough to let him go. I could no longer do this dance with him. I needed to be healthy for my kids and I will do whatever it takes to take care of them. They did not deserve all this. I was ready to detach. he could go on his trip or he could move out or whatever. He broke down. I was surprised. I thought maybe he finally got it. Maybe he finally was remorseful. He said he did not want that. He said he wanted to stay with me and the kids. The next day he was weepy (very unlike him.He has cried 3x since I have known him). He came to our kids swim class with me. First time in forever. He seemed to be more himself at the end of the day. I said if he wanted a chance to have a chance to save the marriage I ask that he cease contact with her, her family and all coworkers (since they call knew and are tied to her anyway...most are family), be transparent, email me his explanation ( kind of take place of the journey to find himself by journal ling/emailing me), email my parents and also pay back some money he owed them in January, find a couples therapist of his choosing in the next 8 days.

July 26th after much talk he finally delivers the email to me. I read it and am unmoved. I wonder if I have detached and my love bank is close to empty. R has been fraught with A being brought up, him shutting me down, saying he has talked about it enough. On the 31st I find out that he contacted the daughter. She had called him the day before and he did not answer. He text her and I caught him in the act. He said he was just helping her out. It wasn't even the mom. when I asked him he said he couldn't live like this any more. Being an inmate. Monitored. I told him transparency was part of the deal. He said maybe it was better that he leave. I said fine. That he could pack and me and the kids would come home and say Bye. He said fine. I was at birthday get together with the kids. i told them we were going home to say Bye. When we got home he wasn't packed. He told me to chill out. I am so confused.

August 2nd Thurs, I find out he looked up Boost Mobile and Metro PCS and possibly showing he was looking to get a burner phone. I confronted him again. Pretty much the same deal as July 26th. He said he could always call her and use someones phone and just coz he looked it up doesn't mean he was gonna do it. And how did I know anyway. Why am i monitoring him. August 1st, I get him to pay back my parents. He is reluctant. He is reverting back with some attitude. That whole week he says he is here, things are gonna take time to improve and he isn't gonna change his personality to make things better. But he is here isn't he. He isn't willing to do anything extra to make it better.



August 6, my parents leave. I am sad. 7th we go rock climbing while kids are at camp. I bought the coupon a while back. so just needed to use it before it expires. It was fine. Some smatterings about A talk. 8th yesterday we go to the beach with the kids. Lots of triggers for me as we past locations that we had been and that he took her and her family to. Lots of A talk. I am not proud of it in front of kids in car. They are playing and fighting in the back. But they pretty much know that dad stepped out and broke moms heart but that he is here...for now.



Today kids are in camp. Picking them up in less than an hour and I have spent all morning typing this.



So what do I do now? How am I suppose to respond to him? what do i do? His last contact with her daughter was 1 week ago. With her 2 weeks ago. The kid called him day before yesterday. He did not pick up. I have not seen that he has called her and he hasn't been too much out of my sight. I have my monitoring app on the phone for 3 more months and on computer until next April. When I am not with him I am monitoring him on my phone. This is no way to live but I have 0 trust in him. I cant control his actions.Only mine. I have tried to Let Him Go in my heart and do the 180. But it is hard. He really messed my mind up when he broke down 2 weeks ago. I was so zen ready to file the following day if need be. I went IC Monday but may not be able to see her next week as she will only have evening and weekend hours and I am with my kids. How do I move on from here? I guess deep in my heart I want to reconcile. But my parents dont want any part of him and my friends are all hurt for me. No one wants a reconciliation except kids and his family. Is it even possible? Without couples counseling which he doesn't want? I feel like I am either a doormat for putting up with this shinola for so long. And not knowing for even longer or the strongest person alive to live through this. I dont know what next. I dont know how to make myself strong. I dont know what will happen. I do know it should be easier to work on myself when the kids are back in school next week.

Thanks for reading...sorry it is so long...lots of triggers and PTSD writing all this...

Thoughts?

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437508
08/09/18 06:31 PM
08/09/18 06:31 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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I forgot to mention that on the day he went to help her with her business at our bakery. On July 19/20th just 3 weeks ago he gave her a business loan of quite a bit of money to be paid off starting Feb 2019 to July 2019. So exactly how is he cutting ties with her? He claimed he was still in his fog. He would have done it to help any friend he says. *sigh*

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437509
08/09/18 07:01 PM
08/09/18 07:01 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Welcome. So sorry for what you are going through.

Well the affair is not over. I missed whether she is still married. If she is have you spoken to her husband?

He is cake eating for sure. He broke down and cried because he doesn’t want to lose his cake. Is the 19 year old still working at your fathers bakery?

How are you guys living if he has no job? He loaned her money?!!!! There is a lot wrong here I am sorry to say.

I am at the grocery store. So I will have to respond further later.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: SmilingWife] #437510
08/09/18 07:21 PM
08/09/18 07:21 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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Hi Smilingwife,

Thanks for the reply. And reading my novel.

>>>Well the affair is not over.

He said I could handle the payback of loan. I dont want to but it ia a lot of money.

>>* I missed whether she is still married. If she is have you spoken to her husband?

Yes she is. Just the last year. She has a 19yrG and 17yrB from one union (not marriage) and a 1yr feom 1 yr old marriage. I have not contacted husband. He said she and he live like roommates.

>>>He is cake eating for sure. He broke down and cried because he doesn’t want to lose his cake.

Hindsight makes me think he cried because he lost his income. His job and possibly was gonna lose his family and place to live. And not remorse.

>> Is the 19 year old still working at your fathers bakery?

No the 19 yr was fired on "take over day". At our management company.

Sorry for the confusion. Our bakery was referring to the bakery I introduced him to and where we go to eat as a family.


>>>How are you guys living if he has no job?

On our savings...of which he spent a chunk on her by buying her business supplies and loan of money. He is currently trying to figure out next project with a malr coworker/friend who knew about affair but was pro is marriageand not related to her or the management company.

>>> He loaned her money?!!!! There is a lot wrong here I am sorry to say.

Yes I know. I dont know how to respond. He is acting like all is normal. But nothing is for me. He said our marriGe was not lacking. He was happy he just had a bond with another woman.

>>>I am at the grocery store. So I will have to respond further later.

Ok.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437511
08/09/18 07:31 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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After being gaslite since April 23rd...where he told me he was just hanging out w coworkers to being ok with letting go after I consulted a lawyer July 24th, to him having a breakdown (cry/looked like change of heart but probably wasnt), and then wanting to give him a chance, to then finding out about the loan...I am so messed up. I am the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, I am loyal and faithful and love unconditionally...at least did. I am so messed up. Trying to do 180 and letting go is very hard. Having the kids home from school and focusing on them and not able to focus on me and the 180 has been hard. I am all over the place. My daily crying jags have stopped. I go every 2 days or so. I have stayed out of the closet (my little safe place) for while. But I am still so messed up.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437512
08/09/18 07:39 PM
08/09/18 07:39 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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I have to get a new IC because mine isnt avaliable until evenings and Sat and I have the kids. He also doesnt know I go IC. Sees therapy as useless and possible weakness. If he doesnt want to go therapy how can i possibly try to reconcile. Is it a lost cause? Are we just roommates now? We havent been intimate in a long time. He still kisses me on the cheek, occasional hugs and pecks on the lips, but not much beyond that. Our kids are fighting a lot and his A has affected them too. It has been very difficult.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437513
08/09/18 07:41 PM
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You are messed up because you know he is still in the affair. And btw, I am no gambler but if I was I would bet good money the affair went physical .

When he truly ends the affair you will be able to tell the difference.

First thing I would do is remove his access to the family savings account. Think of him as an addict right now.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437514
08/09/18 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I have to get a new IC because mine isnt avaliable until evenings and Sat and I have the kids. He also doesnt know I go IC. Sees therapy as useless and possible weakness. If he doesnt want to go therapy how can i possibly try to reconcile. Is it a lost cause? Are we just roommates now? We havent been intimate in a long time. He still kisses me on the cheek, occasional hugs and pecks on the lips, but not much beyond that. Our kids are fighting a lot and his A has affected them too. It has been very difficult.


You will feel better within weeks if you go no contact with him. That will also help you preserve the little love you have left for him. And when you feel better your children will feel better.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: SmilingWife] #437515
08/09/18 07:47 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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How can i do that? We live together. Share the same bed. Although I have been getting up at night and sleeping on the couch.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: SmilingWife] #437516
08/09/18 07:49 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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Not sure I can do that. He used family buisness account to give her loan. He would see that as war to remove him from family account. He has been the main breadwinner for last few years. He has other business account money tied to our family account.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437517
08/09/18 07:59 PM
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Sorry to be so difficult with my answers Smilingwife. I just feel so helpless. It is messed up when he acts normal and I have all these feelings and triggers. He has been home since he isnt working and spending time w me and the kids. But we are just watching TV. And for once no one is fighting. The kids fighting all the time over summer has made it tough too.

I know i am being too accommodating. Doing laundry cooking for everyone. He says he is here with me and the kids. He says he is spending time with us. He says it is going to take time to get through this. He says he isnt going to change personality and there isnt a magic solution that we just have to hang in there during this tough time. Isnt there anything he should be doing to make this better? I am so hurt. I always figured if you make a mistake you do something to correct it.

Last edited by Butterflyeffect; 08/09/18 08:12 PM.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: SmilingWife] #437519
08/09/18 09:00 PM
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You will feel better within weeks if you go no contact with him. That will also help you preserve the little love you have left for him. And when you feel better your children will feel better.


Hi ButterflyEffect. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My WS only ended his A at the beginning of April, so I don't feel super qualified to give advice, BUT going no contact was THE BEST THING I did.

My H lived with his AP for three months, and in that time I 180ed as best as I could, and worked on healing myself and getting stronger. Going no contact meant no new hurts during that time.

But more importantly, it gave him time to see what life would really be like if we divorced. All of a sudden his AP wasn't quite so understanding or fun. And he found himself missing me and the kids more and more, and wondering what I was doing.

Sometimes the advice I was given here seemed counterintuitive. But I trusted that these posters knew more than I did, and I did my best to follow their advice.

Therapy (on my own) and zoloft helped immensely, too.

I'm on my phone @ the playground (I have two little ones, too), and I can't find it, but I think you said above that his own mom said to leave him? So did my MIL, and she told H was a giant mistake she thought he was making.

My therapist told me that his own mother, who presumably loves and wants what's best for him and the grandkids (and me, too) was saying to leave him. That someone who should be on my H's "side" said that, so maybe I should consider why -- um... because he behavior was totally unacceptable and I deserved better.

Anyways, here's my two cents:

1. Do whatever you can to detach/separate/180. His AP is so wonderful? Then let them have each other. This means he moves out.

Keep in mind that most A's last less than a year when exposed and reality hits.

2. Start the process to separate or divorce. You can stop it at any time, but if you're stopping it, it should be because your H is behaving tremendously differently, A is ended, NO CONTACT with AP is in place, and he's being transparent and honest.

Think of this as throwing cold water on his "affair fog."

3. STOP doing anything for him. He is NOT your friend right now. Think of him as your enemy while the A is ongoing. He has fired you as his wife, so ACT THAT WAY. Do not do his laundry, do not cook his dinner, do not ask him how his day was. Do everything you can to separate, including time away from the kids if you can. Let him see what being a divorced/single dad is like. Go spend every other weekend with a friend or family if you can, block his number. If it's an emergency he can e-mail you.

His AP can cook his dinner & do his laundry!

DO NOT THINK OF HIM AS YOUR HUSBAND/FRIEND/PARTNER RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE HE IS NOT BEHAVING THAT WAY. It messes with your mind, but I used to describe it as an alien took over my H's body, and I was dealing with a crazy person wearing his face.

4. Do whatever you can to warn the other betrayed spouse about what's going on -- maybe he has an idea, maybe he knows more than you do. It's probably a lie that they live like roommates, and I bet the OBS would be shocked to hear that.

5. Post as much as you need. The people on here are life savers when you feel like you're drowning and don't know which way to swim to hit land and get your bearings again.

Good luck.


i, bonnie.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437520
08/09/18 09:48 PM
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Thank you for your reply ibonnie!

I have done what I could above during this mess on and off. He said his last contact was July 23rd. I confirmed it with credit card. His last contact with the daughter was a week later. They are close and she knew so i consider the daughter and mother part of the affair. He said he is trying to be normal in our marriage. I think he means not to have false start of recovery. I continue to be the regular wife I am. I do not know how to contact ththe other betrayed spouse but sinc my WH wanted to be her knight I dont want to cause a situation where he needs to save her.

He is a lousy communicator so i am not sure where he is with the affair fog. He didnt tell me. But i think he still believes he is in love with her. I read it takes weeks to come out. I just want to impart that I am strong and good and will be ok so that is to do 180. But it is hard as I have a lot of triggers. He knows I went to lawyer and that i have given us a month as of August 6th for things to be better. If not I asked that he sign divorce papers Sept 7th without fuss.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437521
08/09/18 10:13 PM
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Ibonnie, i did tell him on the day he flipped switch on me that I was ok to let him go. That was July 24th Tues.

(My parents fired him July 21st Sat. He saw her last July 23rd Monday to tell all his staff/coworkers he was fired.)

After Tues 24th, i told him to have a chance that he needed to be transparent, email explaination to me, etc

But he did text the kid and talk to her daughter 31st. And i caught him the act. He said he was responding to her missed call from the day before but he deleted her text I saw it. So he didnt mean to tell me about it. I confronted him and he said he didnt want to live like this and i said that was fine neither did I and that he could leave. Wheb I got home he had not left. Honestly I make life really nice for him. And he knows it.

I would like reconciliation but I dont want to be fooled again.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437523
08/09/18 10:16 PM
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Should I block her calls and he daughters calls? I never blocked anything. I feel like he has to want to not answer on his own. I have only monitored his activities. Never blocked.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437524
08/09/18 10:28 PM
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HI
BE,

Welcome to MA. Sorry you have to be here and you are dealing with a very difficult issue.

Your H has been morphed into a WS (wayward spouse). He is being controlled by a manipulative OW which will bleed him dry.

He has taken company funds and given them to an employee. While he maybe legally authorized to spend the company funds, he should be restricted by management to not fund unauthorized transactions (like loans to employees). Your parents need to remove him from that function if he is misusing their funds. That's stealing and he could be charged. Difficult to do since he is management. Does your company have an employee handbook? Is he an employee (hourly or salaried) vs board member? Laws vary depending on the company's legal business status (i.e LLC vs Inc, etc.).

I would suggest that all of the OW and her family members be removed from your company. What are the termination laws in your area/state? Make sure you check that out first. I'm a small business consultant specializing in payroll, so those things stand out to me. You may want to suggest your parents consult their lawyer on this matter.

The A can impact so many levels of our lives. In your case the OW appears to be the predator and your WS is the tool.

Right now you need to shore up your family (protect your family, assets and property/health), get the company back in control of safe decision makers and then if you still want, work on your M.

Pray for a clear mind and calm heart. Identify your personal and marital boundaries. This will take time.

In the meantime, strengthen yourself and it would be best to ask him to so you can focus on yourself.

Here's my scary thought, the OW may claim the baby is his (WS). I have seen OWs do that before. In my case, the OW tried to claim preggo 3 times and tried to force me to pay for her bogus medical bills. She basically tried to extort monies from me because the WS had convinced her I was rich but at the same time, he was the huge money maker which made her attractive to him. In reality, I was the larger wage earner and keeping up with his endless spending was making me broke. It was an addiction on many levels and the A was the most expensive one.

Keep posting. Many of us can offer options for you to consider. Create your own personal support group (which it appears you have started) and don't expect all to be able to handle all your info. So be selective who you tell what to and if they can't handle, don't be upset just go find someone who can (plus you have us). I let my support group know I couldn't share everything but asked they respect my decisions and that I would respectfully hear them out as needed.

Hope this helps.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437525
08/09/18 10:32 PM
08/09/18 10:32 PM
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Should I block her calls and he daughters calls? I never blocked anything. I feel like he has to want to not answer on his own. I have only monitored his activities. Never blocked.

I am reading the Betrayed Spouses guide. I think I am at stage 3. A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to Responding to Marital Infidelity – Part III

A little from Plan A and a bit from B

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437526
08/09/18 10:42 PM
08/09/18 10:42 PM
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Ok, first, there is no way in Hell they haven't had sex. It just doesn't work that way. So work that out in your head, this is a physical affair.

Second, the few times you HAVE stood up to him, he immediately caved. Why? Because most men don't cheat because they want to start a new life. They cheat because they want THRILL. And SEX. And BOTH women.

So when you say 'fine, get out,' it freaks him out. He does want you, he just wants her and his fantasy life with her, too. Only YOU will be able to change this. I've been giving advice for 20+ years and I can't come up with 5 men who've quit an affair without the wife kicking him out. Actually, I can't think of 2.

So if you want reconciliation, the ONLY way you will ever get it is to (1) kick him out, (2) file for divorce (you can always cancel it if he gets his head out of his own butt), and (3) move on with your and your kids' lives. Let him SEE what life without his family looks like. Let him watch you and the kids go somewhere great for Labor Day and he's not invited. Let him see you helping your dad run his bakery without your H; hell, let him see your dad REPLACE everyone in that bakery who helped your husband cheat on his daughter. Let him FEEL what it's like to no longer be able to take you for granted, to take advantage of you.

Think of this in psychological terms. We want what we can't have (he had to woo his girlfriend, that made him happy, he got a big, long-term high out of his new romance). We dismiss, take for granted, what is in our face, easy to get - that's you. If you even want him back, how do you accomplish that? By REMOVING yourself from his grasp. By setting VERY HIGH standards before you'll consider giving him another chance - he doesn't like the prison system (they all say that)? Too bad so sad and not your problem - you're moving on, with or without him and if he wants a seat at the table he WILL eagerly agree to your demands.

As long as he is pushing back, whining about how oppressed he is by having to show you where he is, who he's calling - this is CLEAR evidence that he doesn't get it yet. He is NOT remorseful, just scrambling to get back what he had: two women, two lives. Look at how quickly he reverted back to blaming you and taking you for granted. HE thinks that YOU are so desperate to have him that you'll let him get away with anything. Again, YOU are the person in control here. You'll survive without him. You have a great support system in your family. The only way he should be allowed back into this family is if he hits TOTAL ROCK BOTTOM, and that requires you to be strong, and take the steps to show him that you WILL move on without him, before he will get there. Oh, and go thank your dad for firing him. smile

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437527
08/09/18 10:44 PM
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Hello Orchid!

Thank you for posting! I have been following your posts religiously. My parents fired H and OW and her daughter. The rest of the staff were able to interview with our new management company. None were hired since they were all subpar emploees only hired because of friendship or relations of OW. H has been removed from all accounts. And yes, hIs reappropriation of funds/embezzeling has been dealt with. He did this by taking a pay cut...basically the money he gave her can out of his or rather OUR paycheck. Dont forget the money he loaned her which he drafted for her to pay back in 6 payments starting Feb 2019. Sigh.

He claims they have not had sex. In OW culture sex and affecttion would be seen as cheating. Saying romantic thjngs and emotional affair is not seen as crossing the boundaries. And yes they used the L word many times in the text. Which I feel is even more hurtful than just a sexual reln. He swears no sex or kissing. Basically his coworker friend who was not related to this and wa spro marriage told me his emotional relationship was odd as it was like puppy love between middle school students. WS also showed me the burner phone in whih he and OW discussed how it qould be to have their first kiss. This was 2 weeks before I found the burner phone. Regardless I had a full STD panel and am clean. The 1yo does not look like him and he laughed when I asked if it was him. So do I believe him. Yes, but I am cautious. I have been lied to so much. And if it was hiz or I do find out hey had sex. I will definately get a divorce.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437528
08/09/18 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Should I block her calls and he daughters calls? I never blocked anything. I feel like he has to want to not answer on his own. I have only monitored his activities. Never blocked.


No, you are running a business. For him to heal, he has to choose to block those calls.
Now that he is fired, what is he doing for work?

Are you ok financially?


Orchid
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437529
08/09/18 10:50 PM
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Hello Catperson!

I have followed you actively as well. I hear what u are saying. I did do this on evening of July 24th. I told him to go and be happy. That i will do what i need to for my babies. And that he can go. This was The day after he was fired and when I met lawyer that morning. That is when he hit rock bottom. Losing his job and now family. He hasnt talked to her since. As so far as I see. Like I said he did talk to her kid a week later to help her with some job issue. She her 19yr old kid called day before yesterday but he hasnt called back. He has been home mostly so i have been ableto monitor closer.

Since then I have told him numerous times if he wants to go he can go and be with her. He says no. He wants to be here with me and the kids. i tried to not cry in front of him but I have bad days and I go to my closet.

Do I trust him? No. I will continue to monitor him. I give him until Sept 6th so it is only less than a month. I can have dovorce papers drawn up in 2 days.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437530
08/09/18 10:51 PM
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He swears no sex or kissing...

The only thing I will add is that men are men. Physically. Sex DRIVES them. Not to be too gross but they have urges. All the time. They just look at a woman and get turned on and want sex. It's how the species kept going. Unless your husband is unusually effeminate - and he doesn't sound like it, with his passive aggressive tendencies - he's not different.

No matter. Once you kick him out, he will have a choice - take a lie detector test or lose your family. Then you'll know the truth.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437531
08/09/18 10:55 PM
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Orchid2, hello!

We are living off our limited savings. He says he has a reln fog and work fog. He feels if he can tackle his work fog things will be better he is working with his male coworker not related to all this on next project.

And i agree he is his own person. I always impart on my kids that we are the sum of our actions. If he wants to have a chance to rebuild this marriage it must come from within him. So I didnt block anything. Only monitor. I just worry he is too weak in case she does call. But she could call from many different numbers. She has burner phones and can go to gas station and call. Should I talk to hjm about a plan if she or the kid calls and he picks up as it is not a number her recognizes?

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437532
08/09/18 10:59 PM
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Catperson. You still think I should kick him out eventhough he has stopped contact? And yes tou are right men are driven by sex. I know he has had thoughts of having sex with her or probably many other women. He said it was the excitelment of being qith someone new for the A. That was what they had and they had a bond friendshsip over time. But he said he did not have sex. Regardless. Here we are now. Pretending things are normal. At least he is. He typically doesnt like drama so all this A stuff and the fallout has been crazy. And yes I do realize that I have a self-centered possibly narcissitic man as a H

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #437533
08/09/18 11:01 PM
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As far as I can see I really need to do the 180. For myself. I am in A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to Responding to Marital Infidelity – Part III stage I think

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