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Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437292
07/21/18 02:13 PM
07/21/18 02:13 PM
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catperson Offline
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Maybe getting him the book Total Money Makeover. It also is uplifting and talks about writing down goals.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437302
07/22/18 09:35 AM
07/22/18 09:35 AM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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Originally Posted by holdingontoit

Well, I guess God gave me the life I have lived so that I would be here for DS in this moment. If we can get him through this, it will all have been worth it.


this. Not that you are responsible for his choices or actions, but your life experiences and fatherly love make you uniquely qualified to help him. If he will accept it.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437306
07/23/18 03:01 AM
07/23/18 03:01 AM
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Blair Offline
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How is your son doing? And how are you, Hold?

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Blair] #437309
07/23/18 01:16 PM
07/23/18 01:16 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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holdingontoit  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Blair
Does your son have life goals for 5 years, 10 years, and going forward? Where does he want to be then? Who does he want to be in 10 or 20 years?


No. I am not sure he expects to still be around then. That is the issue. He doesn't see the point of trying to achieve an objective since life is empty no matter what you accomplish.

The current plan is for him to get TMS. Working on whether we can get insurance coverage. He already got approval for therapy sessions weekly until the end of 2019, which to me is a "bad" sign in that he must be seriously ill if insurance already approved sessions for such a long period of time. But maybe a "good" sign that insurance will think it is worth to pay for TMS for 4 - 6 weeks to hopefully avoid a year of weekly therapy sessions plus a year of meds. We shall see. If insurance does not cover it, he and I will split the cost. I told him not to allow cost to prevent him from signing up for what he needs.

Last edited by holdingontoit; 07/23/18 01:29 PM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437313
07/24/18 02:17 AM
07/24/18 02:17 AM
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Blair Offline
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That sounds like a plan, for counseling and TMS. Is the counselor a life coach as well? Or can you find one that is specialized in both area of life management?

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437324
07/26/18 01:39 PM
07/26/18 01:39 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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DS going to his first meeting with the TMS doctor today. DS called us last night to warn us that if the TMS does not work, he plans to commit suicide. He has been researching methods. We are terrified. I wrote the TMS doctor to warn him. We need to get DS's psychiatrist to get us a copy of the HIPAA waiver. Yikes!


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437325
07/26/18 02:38 PM
07/26/18 02:38 PM
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Posts: 3,963
South
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Oblivious2678 Offline
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South
Wow. Thinking of you and hoping for progress today.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437326
07/26/18 02:39 PM
07/26/18 02:39 PM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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This is so tough, Hold. I wish I had words of solace for you. Hearing this would be terrifying.

Does your DS feel any sense of obligation to you, his family? The heartbreak and self-recriminations such an act would inflict on those he loves most?

And the huge investment of his years of study and preparation, and the incumbent support you all provided so he could get this far?

In desperation, is guilt an option?

Gawd......

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437327
07/26/18 03:22 PM
07/26/18 03:22 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by holdingontoit
DS going to his first meeting with the TMS doctor today. DS called us last night to warn us that if the TMS does not work, he plans to commit suicide. He has been researching methods. We are terrified. I wrote the TMS doctor to warn him. We need to get DS's psychiatrist to get us a copy of the HIPAA waiver. Yikes!


Hold have you though about getting on a plane and going out there. Perhaps attempt to talk him into coming home with you?

Last edited by SmilingWife; 07/26/18 03:23 PM.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437328
07/26/18 04:54 PM
07/26/18 04:54 PM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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I am not a professional, but it sounds like your poor son is in need of in house treatment.

He has thoughts
He has a history
He has a timeline
He is mapping out a plan.

That puts him at a very high risk. You can be supportive of his treatment and care, but you can not control, in person or at a distance, his actions and choices.
I really hope the treatment works for him.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437329
07/26/18 05:34 PM
07/26/18 05:34 PM
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mgellan Offline
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Seems to me you need to call and bring in the troops to intervene!

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Mg


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437332
07/26/18 06:56 PM
07/26/18 06:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Yes, we are taking steps to contact his psychiatrist and see what is necessary to have him involuntarily committed. He may hate us for that but I would rather he hate us than have him be gone.

It is like responding to adultery. Marriage can survive anger but not ongoing adultery. Our relationship with him can survive his anger but not his suicide.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437334
07/26/18 07:30 PM
07/26/18 07:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,676
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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Chrysalis  Offline
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Hold, it is a good thing that he is telling you what he is thinking and planning. My son talked around and hid what he was thinking. If you do have hi committed you need to make sure he stays hospitalized and that he is not discharged too soon. Insurance companies can be ruthless about cutting people off of mental health hospitalizations. If you don't have a highly recommended hospital from his therapist, you may want to take a look at the Neuropsyciatric Institute at UCLA.


Chrysalis
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437337
07/26/18 10:13 PM
07/26/18 10:13 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Yes I’m grateful too hold he is comfortable to talk it through with you. I’m praying for you and your family.

hug


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437338
07/26/18 10:23 PM
07/26/18 10:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 655
MaidUpName Online
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Hold, I wish there was something I could say that might help but I know that there really isn't.

The best I can offer is heartfelt prayers from this side of the pond.

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437339
07/27/18 02:07 AM
07/27/18 02:07 AM
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catperson Offline
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Can you not go there? Tonight?

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437340
07/27/18 05:24 AM
07/27/18 05:24 AM
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Posts: 5,676
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Chrysalis Offline
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Chrysalis  Offline
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Hold, I'm with cat. I think this boy needs you there NOW and that you should get on the next plane and be there for as long as it takes to help him. This is an emergency and it is time to take FMLA time to save him if you can. There are so many things I wish I had done differently.


Chrysalis
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437341
07/27/18 05:33 AM
07/27/18 05:33 AM
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Blair Offline
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Please take emergency family leave. The firm should allow for that when it is truly neded. And you need it. Your son needs you.

Hugs, Hold. Know that we are all thinking of you and your family and hoping for the best.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437344
07/27/18 07:31 AM
07/27/18 07:31 AM
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Posts: 5,676
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Chrysalis Offline
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Hold, my son didn’t make it. Yours might. Please get on that plane.


Chrysalis
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437345
07/28/18 03:46 AM
07/28/18 03:46 AM
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Chrysalis Offline
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Hold, worried about you and your boy. Please check in when you can.


Chrysalis
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437346
07/28/18 05:27 AM
07/28/18 05:27 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Yes me too. I have checked in 10 times today looking for an update.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437348
07/28/18 08:17 PM
07/28/18 08:17 PM
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Blair Offline
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Yes, please...

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437364
07/30/18 01:17 PM
07/30/18 01:17 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Hold has'nt logged on since last Thursday afternoon around 2:00. I am pretty worried. frown

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437366
07/30/18 01:52 PM
07/30/18 01:52 PM
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Posts: 6,958
holdingontoit Offline OP
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Sorry to make you guys wait and worry. DS did not respond to texts for a couple of days. TMS doctor did not respond to emails. Finally last night TMS doctor replied that DS gave him HIPAA waiver so he can talk to us. TMA doctor does not think DS is intending to commit suicide soon. TMS doctor realizes it is serious and will be on lookout for any change. DS texted last night. Apologized for the delay.

Mrs H is flying to DS this coming weekend. She and her Mom are going back a month from now. We will make sure one or the other of us visits monthly. We will develop our relationship with the TMS doctor. We are not ignoring this or wishing it away. We are praying. That the TMS works or that DS decides to live even if it doesn't. We keep stressing that medicine advances and something incurable today may be curable a year or 2 from now. We tell DS not to implement a permanent solution to what is likely to eventually be a temporary problem. Painful. Has been ongoing a long time. But should not be life threatening. Heck, he lives in Oregon. Pot is legal. No need for him to be stressed.

Thanks for all the support. Friday we drove to Boston and back to see a new eye doctor for Mrs H. Very professional and knowledgable. Seems there is nothing to be done to fix her eye except get her thyroid under control. even then, the symptoms may not go away. But if we get the thyroid levels under control, then Mrs H might be a candidate for cosmetic surgery in a year or two.

I am asking my PCP to go on a new AD med. My cousin suggested it as it worked for her. My buddy the psychiatrist also thought it worth trying if I have never taken a drug from this "family".

So we have lots of moving pieces in the Hold family but overall very blessed. I have a good job. DS has a good job. Mrs H loves her job and it gives her the flexibility to travel and see DS whenever she needs to. And DD is rocking her summer internship. So she will likely graduate on time with a good job too. She may move to Portland as the place she works this summer has an office there that houses part of her business unit. We think that would be excellent if DS decides to stay there. I told him to keep this job while he explores all this treatment. He has good benefits and if he needs a "break" he can go to grad school after the treatment is completed if he wants to shake things up or cover over a gap in employment. Starting a new job or moving cities seems a bad idea to me until we get his psych treatment under control.

Again, really appreciate all the concern.

Last edited by holdingontoit; 07/30/18 01:59 PM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #437367
07/30/18 02:02 PM
07/30/18 02:02 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Thanks Hold. Glad everyone is ok.

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