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Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! #431622
02/01/18 07:19 PM
02/01/18 07:19 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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First off, I must say thank you for this site! It has helped me sleep the last few night after reading some of the stories here and the advice/information that has been offered to new members just joining in the mist of turmoil.

My story:
Married 11 years, 2 kids (5 & 7), started dating 20 years ago.

I just found out this past weekend that my wife has been lying to me and had gone out with another man twice in the past 3 weeks. The first time occurred while she was staying at a hotel for work 3 weeks ago 30 miles away from home and she said the guy did not stay over. The second time occurred this past weekend and she stayed overnight in a hotel (while I was out of town). I had my suspicions and decided to check on her while out of town to see what she was doing and I was able to see where her phone was Saturday night and Sunday morning. I also found a hotel key Sunday morning when trying to confirm what I had seen with her phone. She lied when I asked where she was, so I confronted her about it and then she came clean. She says they have not had sex, which I believe but it's hard to trust anything at this point. As of now I believe this to be an emotional affair. I am obviously devastated and I have been a complete wreck all week, I just can’t get this out of my mind. At this point she told me she will not stop talking to him, but has agreed to tell me if she plans to see him again. She said going out with another guy has made her feel appreciated, that she was finally able to smile and actually laugh and have a good time (to me that's easy to do with someone you don't know). When she is with me she says she just feels awkward and can't talk to me. I asked her to move out, but I can’t force her to do so from what I am reading. She has now moved into our basement as I have a tough time being around her knowing what she has done. I have not touched my wife since she stayed in a hotel 3 weeks ago, and she has pretty much withdrawn from me other than normal day to day conversions about kids and stuff.

I still love her and I am wanting to try to reconcile the marriage (both for me and the kids), and attempt to get over this affair. I would like to do therapy or whatever I can to try to save the marriage, whether it's separately or couples. She said she needs time to think about what she wants to do (if she would consider therapy, which she is against), and I said I would give her some time. We have talked about divorce and both of us are going to see lawyers to make sure we know how to protect ourselves should the worst happen. Neither one of us wants to go through the process of the divorce or the legal aspects of it, she would rather stay married and just have separate lives not living together which will NOT work for me. If she stays in the affair and continues to see this guy, I will have to look to a divorce as I don't think I could handle that (although I would still be forced to live with her which I have no idea how I will handle that).

Background:
Our marriage has had problems for a long time, she says going back to before we were even married. She says she has been very unhappy for a long time and that getting married was just easier than any alternative of breaking up. Both of us have neglected the marriage for a long time as well. For me, I always had trouble with finances and how much she would spend on things (I am the saver). It was always a battle which I think lead me to emotionally withdraw fairly often and for a long time. I also had issues with lack of sharing of chores around the house, which also played into this. Needless to say, we had times where we didn’t have physical intimacy but maybe a couple times a year, and emotionally we struggled to agree on these items.

Around a year ago she decided it was time to do something about her health and got a gastric bypass to help with losing weight. At the time I had read that there is a 50/50 shot at divorce following this type of procedure but I agreed and we didn’t talk about it. Around 6 months ago we had talked about going on a trip just the two of us for our 10 year anvivesary, and she said she didn’t want to go with just me but would rather have the kids with. I asked her more about this and she said she really didn’t want to vacation with me at all just by ourselves. At the same time my best friend and his wife were planning a trip to NAPA Valley. This triggered a come to Jesus moment and some reflection on my part, and I realized that something needed to be done with our marriage. I told her I think we started to try to work on this and I started to be more affectionate and paying more attention to her, which we have not done in a long time. I also decided to ease off the issues I had with her spending in an effort to decrease arguments, so I stopped monitoring her spending. She has actually told me at one point she will never be able to stop buying things so maybe somebody else would be better for me, so I just watched the boxes appear from Amazon daily. I think she has every Loveyourmelon hat ever made…if that tells you anything. Hindsight, this was probably wrong for me to do and made me appear less manly for giving in against my normal ideals on spending/saving.

Around this same time I also noticed she was starting to change (even though she completely disagrees that she has changed). She lost a ton of weight (and frankly looks amazing) and purchased a whole new wardrobe. She also really started paying attention to her looks, much more so than in a long time. Around this same time she also started doing happy hours for work and texting with her work friends a lot more than ever before (and would get mad when I asked who she was texting). Her work is 95% guys, most younger than her. On two occasions she said she was just going out for happy hour, and didn’t come home until around 11:00 on a Wed night. In addition, I was worried sick and she would not return my calls/texts either time saying she knew I would be mad so why should she answer as she knew what I would say. Needless to say, I started getting a feeling that something was not right and I got a lot more clingy as I really had it in my head that want to turn our marriage around. This went on from Nov until around 3 weeks ago. I realize this didn’t help things, and she did say that my clinginess and constant neediness helped drive her to seek someone else and that it was not attractive. At some point in all of this she gave me the "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech while we were up late drinking one night. In recent conversations she has told me that she doesn’t think she would ever be able to love me again.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster…sometimes I feel I am in control of my feelings, other times I am focused on her infidelity and the details of what might have happened, and other times I actually just break down and cry (as much as I hate to admit it). I don’t even know that she understands the amount of pain she is causing. She has apologized, but since she is continuing to talk to the guy she can’t be feeling much remorse.

My questions are is this:
- Do you have any recommendations on how to act around her now? I just don't know how to implement myself on a day to day basis. I have typically been the man I want to be (and there is always room to grow). I do most of the chores around the house and have for a long time (cleaning/laundry), I will fix her car when needed and take it in to get oil changes, I will make coffee in the morning. In addition, I believe I have been a good father to our kids. I don't know if I should show her how mad I am and stop doing all the things I have typically done because of the affair, or if I should continue being the husband I want to be and do the things above......even knowing I do not condone her continuing the affair. I don't know if I should not talk to her when we are both in the house, or if I should try to be more normal given the affair that is going on. Needless to say, I won’t let this affect how I act towards my kids and I will try to not let them see what going on between my wife and I.
- I have been reading this forum and it seems that I need to stop being her safety net (and will have to determine what my boundary is for stopping the affair). Actually some of the advice others had been given is to set your boundary (with some good real words behind it), and let her decide what happens. No action/response is considered continuation of affair and out of bounds for me. I have just read that I should not make big life changing decisions while in the middle of major emotional times.
- We have kids, and she will not leave the house. How to I continue living there if she continues the affair?

I am a one of the “nice guys”, probably a lot more than I should be especially considering what’s going on and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose my marriage, but I think that is ultimately what she is wanting (aside from the work and financial loss involved).

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431632
02/01/18 08:38 PM
02/01/18 08:38 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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Hi Z and welcome to MA.

Glad you have read up a bit and know some of our stories. I'm at work right now but thought I'd let you know that I have read your post. Will review it in greater detail later.

I'm sorry you are experiencing the effects of this A. Seems like there are contributing factors with your wife (WS - wayward spouse) and you have young children.

The BS (that's you - betrayed spouse) does have to be honest and acknowledge where personal changes can be made. That does not reduce the issue with your wife when she choose to be a WS. It sounds like she is not a strong person because she has let possible compliments make her stray from honoring her marriage vows. In other words, she has lost your trust.

Being untrustworthy and unfaithful are key components to having an A. She may have made physical changes but her personality has revealed her weak side.

Whether she sees this as a weakness and changes vs being exploited with her new found figure, is hard to tell. That's up to her.

As a WS, she can put you and you family in jeopardy. She has already.

What you need is to:

1. Go to the doctor and ask for an STD testing (yes, she said no sex but by this time, that may not be true - so you may be at risk)
2. Get a lawyer's consultation regarding separation and divorce laws/options in your state. As the husband, you will have to prove adultre even if your state does not consider it. RE: Info may be helpful if you need to get primary custody of the children, should it go that far. Get prepared. Enact when needed.

3. Get your finances in order. The OM or OMs may see her as an easy target.
4. Do background checks on the OMs so you have an idea with who you are dealing with.

Know that the WS and OM are slippery folks and have no qualms hanging you out to dry.

Also your wife now has 2 or more personalities (wife/mother vs OW) so be aware so you can learn how to identify and talk to your wife vs the WS.

Lots more to learn, this is a start. More posters will come soon.

Take care,
Orchid

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431637
02/01/18 09:43 PM
02/01/18 09:43 PM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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^^ Everything Orchid said.

You wife is singing from the cheater hymnal. Even though each marriage and affair are different you will often wonder through this journey how WS all seem to say and do similar things.

The way I usually put it:

#1. Collect data. All paperwork, bills and jot down all pertinent WS actions. (Monies spent on affair, detracted from family, ignoring kids)

#2. Get three opinions of divorce lawyers in your county, These will be free. They will give you some sort of idea of what you will be up against in the best and worst case scenario.

#3. Garner support. In real life family and friends, online bloggers, therapists, doctors (anti depressants can really help.) . If you feel your work will be affected, you may see if you can get support there. Keep exposure targeted to only helpful people around YOU.

#4. Educate yourself on many aspects of recovery and personal recovery from a cheating spouse.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431647
02/01/18 11:17 PM
02/01/18 11:17 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Welcome 3 Z.

Go look in a mirror and practice saying this out loud to yourself until it comes without hesitation. "I will not share my wife with another man."

Do not allow her to cake eat. Define your boundary as above and enforce it.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Orchid2] #431649
02/01/18 11:25 PM
02/01/18 11:25 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Orchid2


The BS (that's you - betrayed spouse) does have to be honest and acknowledge where personal changes can be made. That does not reduce the issue with your wife when she choose to be a WS. It sounds like she is not a strong person because she has let possible compliments make her stray from honoring her marriage vows. In other words, she has lost your trust.

Being untrustworthy and unfaithful are key components to having an A. She may have made physical changes but her personality has revealed her weak side.

Whether she sees this as a weakness and changes vs being exploited with her new found figure, is hard to tell. That's up to her.



Can you expand on this a little more? You mention "she has lost your trust", meaning she does not trust me and does not believe I am being sincere?

Are you thinking she feels I am exploiting her because of her new found figure? I so, I do believe that she believes that. I think she thinks I am only doing this because she has physically changed, because she believes she has not (but her actions tell me otherwise).

I had met with my first lawyer today, and have two more meetings tomorrow just so I am prepared for what may come. The thing is, she needs to be in my kids lives and I am not looking to try to take that away regardless of what happens between us.

I have discussed this with my two closest friends, at what point do I bring this to family for their support (maybe I am past that point)?

Last, I have no idea who the OM is.

Do I take action to stop the cheating at this point? I talked to her again today and she said she is not going to stop talking with him, but has no plans to see him. She doesn't know what an emotional affair is when I mentioned it to her, but she knows what she is doing is wrong and against marriage vows.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431650
02/01/18 11:59 PM
02/01/18 11:59 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Originally Posted by 311Zach
Can you expand on this a little more? You mention "she has lost your trust", meaning she does not trust me and does not believe I am being sincere?


Other way around. You should not trust anything she says. She has proven herself to be a liar. Stop listening to her words and focus on her actions.

Quote
Are you thinking she feels I am exploiting her because of her new found figure? I so, I do believe that she believes that. I think she thinks I am only doing this because she has physically changed, because she believes she has not (but her actions tell me otherwise).


Again, ignore her words and focus on her actions.
Also, how is it possible for you to "exploit" her new figure? You guys married for better or worse, right? Maybe this is the better. Why isn't that exactly what she promised to share with you? You should both revel in it. Does she think that anyone's body fails to change over a lifetime? Suppose (God forbid) she got cancer and needed a double mastectomy. Is she saying that you would be entitled to dump her or cheat because she no longer has breasts to offer? Is she saying that she only settled for you because she was plain, and now that she is a hottie you no longer deserve her, she can do better, and she intends to? Why would you want to stay married to a person who thought that way?

Quote
I had met with my first lawyer today, and have two more meetings tomorrow just so I am prepared for what may come. The thing is, she needs to be in my kids lives and I am not looking to try to take that away regardless of what happens between us.


Good for you for taking action on the legal side. Divorce does not kick her out of the kids' lives. It just kicks her out of your life. Which is where she belongs given the cruel and disrespectful way she is treating you.

Quote
Do I take action to stop the cheating at this point?


Stop focusing on what you want them to do. You have no power over whether she continues to cheat. You only control yourself. Focus on you. See more lawyers. Exercise. Eat healthy. Drink plenty of water and get plenty of sleep.

Quote
I talked to her again today and she said she is not going to stop talking with him, but has no plans to see him. She doesn't know what an emotional affair is when I mentioned it to her, but she knows what she is doing is wrong and against marriage vows.


It is the height of disrespect for her to continue to contact him once she knows you know. She is spitting in your face. She thinks you are too weak to stand up for yourself. Women do not love or feel attraction to men they do not respect. The only way to earn her respect at this point is to drop the rope. Tell her that she is free to go. That you are not her jailor. If she wants to contact him, she is free to do so. But she is not free to contact him and remain your wife. She is an adult and she gets to choose for herself. But you get to choose for yourself. And you choose not to share your wife with another man.

Last edited by holdingontoit; 02/02/18 12:00 AM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: holdingontoit] #431652
02/02/18 01:17 AM
02/02/18 01:17 AM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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HurtSam  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by holdingontoit

Again, ignore her words and focus on her actions.
Also, how is it possible for you to "exploit" her new figure? You guys married for better or worse, right? Maybe this is the better. Why isn't that exactly what she promised to share with you? You should both revel in it. Does she think that anyone's body fails to change over a lifetime? Suppose (God forbid) she got cancer and needed a double mastectomy. Is she saying that you would be entitled to dump her or cheat because she no longer has breasts to offer? Is she saying that she only settled for you because she was plain, and now that she is a hottie you no longer deserve her, she can do better, and she intends to? Why would you want to stay married to a person who thought that way?.


I believe she feels I stopped paying attention and stopped showing afection to her years ago when she gained weight, and now that it’s gone I am changing face. That this was the reason for the lack of physical intamacy for so many years. Thing is, for me the emotional intamacy or lack there of is a real killer in that respect regardless of looks. I would like to believe I am not that shallow.

BTW, sorry for the update to the name. I changed it when I first signed in and didn’t realize it would take a while to go into affect.

Last edited by HurtSam; 02/02/18 01:18 AM.
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431655
02/02/18 01:57 AM
02/02/18 01:57 AM
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Blair Offline
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here. You will find many of us have gone through similar circumstances. Bounce things off us and ask questions. We're happy to help you work through the unfortunate events that you didn't choose to have happen.

Keep in mind that every wayward spouse says things like it hasn't been working out "for a long time" or it never was a great relationship. This is called re-writing the history of your marital relationship. Take what she is saying with a grain of salt. Even if any of it is partially true, it is usually a very tiny portion of truth mixed in with excuses and garbage justification for their affair.

The other thing to consider is that because you are a man, you are a visual person. You probably needed her to stay in better shape to want to be with her more often. You may not have verbalized that to her. But on the other hand, she may have felt overwhelmed and like she didn't have enough time to exercise and eat right.

I agree with the others that you need to see several attorneys as soon as possible. Visit more than 3 of them. Ask for referrals. Find ones with good experience. You will need a bulldog attorney to either (1) get your wife's attention or (2) divorce her. The best way to help your wife see the reality of what she has done is to file for divorce and show her you mean business. The faster and more efficiently you file, the more sudden shift it will be for your wife. I'm not saying to not split things fairly, but I am saying to get a good attorney quickly.

Also, find out who the OM is. And yes, tell your family members what is going on. But it is far better if you can tell them who the OM is so they have good information. It is hard for people to believe she's having an affair if there isn't enough information. Besides, in that instance, if you don't have evidence your wife could justify the relationship as "just a friend" or a "co-worker" who had a question. Do some sleuthing. If you have a phone bill that shows she is texting, search the number. If it is on a joint phone account, pull the text records and the call logs. It is extremely rare for her side of the family to believe you, as most of them will back her up first.

Please make sure you eat right and drink enough water. I remember the days where I could not sleep and there wasn't any money to buy food because my Ex squirreled away all the money. Please take care of yourself. If you cannot sleep, find time to rest mentally and physically. Get a support group around you to help you and your kids find some normal. This is a journey.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: holdingontoit] #431668
02/02/18 03:45 AM
02/02/18 03:45 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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Hold,

Thanks for clarifying it for Sam (formerly Z). smile

Sam,
Good that you are seeking legal advice. Please heed the recommendations to ID the OM so you can do a background check. There are many stories out here about the attitude and status of the OP (OM or OW) and how the plotting has hurt the BS and family plus others.

You will learn that most of the time with the OM and WS is talking about you and in many cases how to break you. Depending on the level of crazy your life and the safety of your family could also be in jeopardy as a result. So to be safe, create a solid, mature support group to help you through this so you have a physical support group right near you, get an IC/MC to help you and you have this board that is open 24/7. We have posters from around the world so for most of the 24 hours there is help.

We are a non-profit organization that does rely on donations to maintain this board. We share our experiences and words of wisdom from our posters. As a result, we have helped many.

Get supportive IC for your children, even if they are young.

So we are glad you are here and we hope we can help.

Take care,
Orchid

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431670
02/02/18 05:03 AM
02/02/18 05:03 AM
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mgellan Offline
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Sam - welcome to MA, I'm so sorry you have to be here. As a fellow BH I know the pain and anguish this is causing for you. The people here are giving you good advice - listen to them. Do what they advise. And don't delay. My WW had a EA that went PA while I was dithering about exposure. Don't delay.

My advice would be put a GPS tracker in her car like this one:

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00TTBLDBQ/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

These are from Amazon.ca but Amazon.com should have it if you're in the States. The GPS tracker works even if you just plug it into a cigarette lighter, my wife's car had a port in the centre console so it was trivial to install. The web site you use to track her movements is really nice.

And get a Voice Activated Recorder like this one:

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01ELGAVFC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Get some strong velcro and install this under her car seat so you can listen in on any conversation she is having with her OM.

Install a keylogger on her computer and on her phone if you can. Don't worry about her privacy - she lost the right to privacy when she betrayed you.

The objective here is simple - identify the OM. Find out if he's married. Hire a PI to find out his wife's phone number, his children, his parents (it cost me $200 to get the full details on an OM on the other side of the continent)

Prepare to expose the affair widely but make sure you have everything lined up first. Affairs thrive in secrecy - exposure kills affairs. Your WW will be furious but your marriage can survive fury, it can't survive an active affair. Exposure is best done as "Shock and Awe" - all at once to everyone around WW and OM. Their world needs to crumble so they are under intense scrutiny. Make a list, tell us who you intend to expose to. We can help.

You will get through this. You may even end up with a stronger, more loving marriage than you had before the affair. But first you need to kill it.

Good luck my friend.

Mg


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431671
02/02/18 05:11 AM
02/02/18 05:11 AM
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mgellan Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
Do I take action to stop the cheating at this point? I talked to her again today and she said she is not going to stop talking with him, but has no plans to see him. She doesn't know what an emotional affair is when I mentioned it to her, but she knows what she is doing is wrong and against marriage vows.


What she says is irrelevent. She is not in control here, you are. I seriously doubt this is not physical. She is no longer the person you married, she's like an alien thats taken over your wife's body, flooding it with the chemicals of addiction. Ignore what she says to you and to her OM. All fantasy, lies, and rewriting history.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F. Harley Jr. and Jennifer Harley Chalmers, read it. You need to follow this process and you have the BEST chance to come out of this with a recovered marriage, or at least with the least amount of damage possible.

Mg


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431697
02/02/18 04:01 PM
02/02/18 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
I don’t even know that she understands the amount of pain she is causing. She has apologized, but since she is continuing to talk to the guy she can’t be feeling much remorse.

She doesn't understand. More than that, she doesn't care. I'm sure she feels guilty that she is doing this to your kids, but your pain is meaningless to her.

Her pain will come later and it will be much worse and last much longer.

You are getting the immersion treatment of pain right now. It sucks, I know, but it will be transformational for you. You will come out of this a better man, a stronger man because of it. You will grow because of this because whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your wife is just giving in to her baser instincts; wallowing in her weakness.

My wife and I are both betrayed spouses. My wife is stunning and could get a guy to have sex with her in probably less than an hour. Big deal. It might take me a longer being a guy, but so could I. Finding strangers to have sex with isn't a huge accomplishment. There is temptation everywhere. Anyone can do it. The fact is most married people don't.

What does that say about your wife?

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431708
02/02/18 05:54 PM
02/02/18 05:54 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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So, I think my WW is pretty keen on watching her communication, and most of it is done via apps like Snapchat which are not on phone bills. I do not see that she is calling anyone in particular either, at least not for any periods of time.

I did see that she called a hotel two days ago, it is the same hotel I caught her staying overnight a couple days ago. So now my bloods is boiling again... I’m not even sure what to do with that info.

I thought I was done with the snooping now that I know the EA is contuning. How much effort should I really put into discovering the OM? I think it’s going to be difficult since her phone is locked and she has changed the PW.

Just walking into my last meeting with a lawyer.....

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431709
02/02/18 06:04 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
Just walking into my last meeting with a lawyer.....


I wish for your sake it were so, but I fear it is not. Might be your last FIRST meeting with a lawyer. Unlikely to be your last meeting with a lawyer during 2018.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431714
02/02/18 06:32 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
...now that I know the EA is contuning.
You know it's not an EA, right? If she admitted "talking" to this other guy, it's a couple steps worse than that. It's cheater cliche to admit to far less than what she is actually doing.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431715
02/02/18 06:34 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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I agree. It is almost certainly a physical affair.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431716
02/02/18 06:35 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
How much effort should I really put into discovering the OM?
Quite a bit, I would say. You have young kids and your wife is bringing a strange man into your marriage and foresee ably around your kids.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Fergie] #431721
02/02/18 07:24 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by HurtSam
How much effort should I really put into discovering the OM?
Quite a bit, I would say. You have young kids and your wife is bringing a strange man into your marriage and foresee ably around your kids.


Should bring up the hotel thing I found with her and ask her whats going on, which would let her know I am monitoring phone bills?

Originally Posted by Fergie
You know it's not an EA, right? If she admitted "talking" to this other guy, it's a couple steps worse than that. It's cheater cliche to admit to far less than what she is actually doing.


You may be right. She does not go out much at all, and is always home after work.....but there is the possibility that stuff is going on during work hours.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431727
02/02/18 08:01 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
Should bring up the hotel thing I found with her and ask her whats going on, which would let her know I am monitoring phone bills?

It's ironic because no one knows your wife better than you. And yet, if you KNEW your wife, you would have predicted this, right?

I don't think this is deficiency on your part as a husband, it is a deficiency on your wife's part of knowing herself. I would submit she doesn't truly know herself. That's makes her dangerous. She isn't a friend of your marriage or your children's family. You don't consult the person doing the damage and lying for more information.

I don't know this guy anymore than you do. He could run the gamut of being child molester all the way to an honorable man who your wife fed complete lies to. He might not even know about you and your kids. Then again he might know and is the type of guy who woos married women (you know, a high class sorta guy... /s).

You don't know what you don't know and I wouldn't depend on getting anything reliable from a cheater. You will have to do your own snooping.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431728
02/02/18 08:19 PM
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mgellan Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
How much effort should I really put into discovering the OM?


This should be your #1 focus to kill this affair!

Originally Posted by HurtSam
hould bring up the hotel thing I found with her and ask her whats going on, which would let her know I am monitoring phone bills


Tell her nothing. Ask her nothing so she doesn’t lie to you. Don’t give her power in this situation, take action to kill the affair. The time for talking is after it’s over.

Mg


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431730
02/02/18 08:53 PM
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Say nothing. Gather more information. Only when you have proof and know many things do you disclose any of the things you know. And even then you don't tell her everything you know, just enough so she can't deny that anything happened.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431733
02/02/18 09:19 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
Should bring up the hotel thing I found with her and ask her whats going on, which would let her know I am monitoring phone bills?......


You can but be prepared to hear a lie, a colorful excuse, some hesitation and watch the eyes. Know that she will now know you have some evidence and her WS job will be to discredit you with partial info, by turning that proof on you and possibly blame you for that very proof.

Cherry-picking evidence and turning it around to mislead is method many a WS use. Some of them use that same method in other aspects of their lives widening the net of creating more chaos, rousing up support (or base) to get paranoid and rile against often innocent victims of crimes (against the family and others) that are not true.

This is highly exhausting but it invigorate the A. Creating chaos to throw off the BS getting the details of the A is a familiar tactic. We see that playing out in the news in a similar fashion.

Your personal experience in this regard is real and hurtful. Still you must be prepared to be able to recognize it and know how to take action or when to step back and make the WS/OM 'wonder' what you know or may do.

See, that 'wonder' act is a strong tool. It is hard for a BS because the drive for answers often cause the BS to disclose info that should be held and used when appropriate vs immediately.

Expect her to lie. Expect her to play the victim. Expect her to accept some blame and then blame you (don't cave to this tactic).

As she does each, learn how to act and react:

1. Expect her to lie: Hear it, look in amazement and say nothing (use the wonderment tactic). Walk away if need be, don't engage. Let her wonder whether you believe her or not. If she if foolish enough to think you have been fooled, then she may slip up more later. Patience is a virtue here, cultivate quickly.

2. Expect her to play the victim: Let her, again use the wonderment tactic (see item one above)

3. Expect her to accept some blame and blame you: The key here is what she says or does after she gives a viable apology (pay attention to the attitude and the presentation). Additionally if she intertwines a blame on others, again use your 'wonderment tool' and walk away.

This isn't easy because you have to walk away knowing you don't have all the info but if you are patient, you may later learn enough to be able to make sensible vs emotional decisions.


FYI: Document and discuss these events with a trusted IC/MC as needed. Make sure the IC/MC knows how to handle A issues.

More later......

Orchid

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Fergie] #431734
02/02/18 09:24 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your help through this! Phone bills have not resulted in any good info. The only thing that would is the cell which I do not have access...

Maybe a dumb question, but is it more of a priority at this point to set my boundary with her (and likely soon), before it's determined if I can identify the OM.

Also, any thoughts on how to act around her? Does a guy act normal and do all the normal things I would do and be nice to her....try to stay away from her, etc? She asked me to help her with something tonight which I said I would.....I am kind of at a loss as to how I should be acting given whats going on.

Originally Posted by Fergie

I don't know this guy anymore than you do. He could run the gamut of being child molester all the way to an honorable man who your wife fed complete lies to. He might not even know about you and your kids. Then again he might know and is the type of guy who woos married women (you know, a high class sorta guy... /s).


She told me that he knows she is married.....take it with a grain of salt.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Orchid2] #431736
02/02/18 09:30 PM
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HurtSam Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Orchid2

Expect her to lie. Expect her to play the victim. Expect her to accept some blame and then blame you (don't cave to this tactic).


The only comment I can make on this is when I asked if she felt she would condone this sort of action from me of the roles were reversed, which she said no. Then there was a bit of an outburst saying that if I was going to continue to try to make her feel bad I can just leave.....which obviously I would not do. I walked away at that point.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #431737
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Act like yourself. If you are a cautious soul, continue to be one but as much as possible don't show your cards. Making a WS nervous and showing love towards your real wife requires great skill. Y? Because she can swing from one side of those personalities to the other in a matter of seconds.

Your skill will come from learning how to recognize and handle both will improve over time but it's exhausting but it can be done. Here we can help you get prepared.

Note: As you learn how to handle this, it will erode your love for your M and wife. Know this. Don't fight it though because anything less than being prepared subjects you to being attacked by the WS and OM.

So you really don't have a choice to prevent the A but you do have a choice how to allow how it affects you, your family, finances and M.

For now, start shoring up your strength, your personal support group for yourself, family and finances. Identify and implement your boundaries. A good book on boundaries is by Cloud and Townsend.

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
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