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Therapy and counseling #430082
12/13/17 02:31 AM
12/13/17 02:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
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knowbetternow Offline OP
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knowbetternow  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
Have any of you used couples counseling to get past the Affair? Any particular disciplines or therapy types that may have been helpful? Itís been 18 months since my wifeís affair. She does individual counseling but I think itís her affirmation tool as I seem to get the blame for this whole mess. She wants to do couple counseling but Iíve refused so far. I need to heal and looking for options.

Re: Therapy and counseling [Re: knowbetternow] #430111
12/13/17 05:15 PM
12/13/17 05:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,113
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Fergie Offline
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Fergie  Offline
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Posts: 1,113
The biggest waste of money ever is couples counseling during an active affair. Lighting a pile of money on fire would be more beneficial, as at least you get some warmth out of it.

Second biggest waste of money is couples counseling while your wife blames you for the affair. I mean really, if a wife beater came back from his individual therapy sessions full of wonderful insights like, "You know honey, my counselor agrees the reason I beat you is because it's your fault", I think most people would be appalled and unless the counselor is a complete quack, it would NEVER happen. Yet the quackery abounds in therapists when it comes to infidelity. I'd give this therapist's theories about as much thought as I do the crazy rantings of a street person.

Nobody gets to tell you how to heal. Nobody. Not this counselor. Not me. Especially not your wife. She gets zero say on how you heal. It's not like you got any say in her decision to have an affair. You didn't get any input on that lovely avenue of her personal growth.

If she doesn't like it, well, there's the door, sweetheart.

Everything is optional at this point. Stay married. Get divorced. Everything in between. The only thing not optional is you healing from this.

Re: Therapy and counseling [Re: Fergie] #430249
12/20/17 07:56 PM
12/20/17 07:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 862
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mgellan Offline
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mgellan  Offline
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Posts: 862
I've found "Surviving An Affair" by Drs. Hartley and Chalmers and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" by Dr. Hartley (MarriageBuilders or MB books) to be invaluable in the path to recovery of my marriage. If you or your wife are not willing to go through the system in these books to recover your marriage then you're still at square 1. Going to counselling might give you a venue to make her see that it's necessary but as Fergie said, if she's dumping all responsibility for the affair on you then you're dead in the water.

Accept 50% of the blame for your prior marriage's faults, but the decision to have an affair was 100% your wife's choice and she has to admit that. She could have suggested counselling, seperated, filed for divorce, and instead she just betrayed you. So I wouldn't put up with laying the affair at your door at all, thats bull cookies. It's all on her!

Once you understand what your respective important emotional needs (ENs) are, you'll understand what ENs you both have to address to stabilize your marriage. In particular I found I needed Affection, Admiration, and Sexual Fulfillment to be healing in my relationship, while my wife needed Domestic Support, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship to meet her needs.

We ended up going to the MC about 6 times plus a few IC sessions and the net result was by applying the MB books we were way ahead of the game and started recovery and healing much faster than with MC alone. My MC used the Gottman method which has some good points to allow structured discussion of the affairs (Atonement) and is focused on communicating, but we didn't get too far into it. My MC asked for links to the MC books LOL. I won't rule out going to the MC again if we find we're in difficulties but I wouldn't let the MC drive the pace of recovery, I found it agonizingly slow and just kept us in painful limbo longer.

Use the MC to work through problem areas like communicating but with the MB books it was pretty optional for me. YMMV.

Mg


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill

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