Who's Online Now
1 registered members (Miranda), 4 guests, and 9 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Am I still a doormat?13
2.Does anyone remember this story?2
3.Learning about life from life........1
4.COVID019: SBA loans for businesses, homeowners and renters1
5.Daughter says father made ominous threats if his wife sought a divorce - Portland Press Herald0
6.A Straight Spouse Of A Gay Husband Speaks Out0
7.Rise Above Past Relationship Failures - Psychology Today0
8.Toxic Relationship dynamics0
9.Ask Amy's very bad advice on affairs0
10.Women Who Don't Orgasm - Psychology Today0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Therapy and counseling #430082
12/13/17 02:31 AM
12/13/17 02:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
knowbetternow Offline OP
New Member
knowbetternow  Offline OP
New Member
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
Have any of you used couples counseling to get past the Affair? Any particular disciplines or therapy types that may have been helpful? Itís been 18 months since my wifeís affair. She does individual counseling but I think itís her affirmation tool as I seem to get the blame for this whole mess. She wants to do couple counseling but Iíve refused so far. I need to heal and looking for options.

Re: Therapy and counseling [Re: knowbetternow] #430111
12/13/17 05:15 PM
12/13/17 05:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,122
Fergie Offline
Fergie  Offline
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,122
The biggest waste of money ever is couples counseling during an active affair. Lighting a pile of money on fire would be more beneficial, as at least you get some warmth out of it.

Second biggest waste of money is couples counseling while your wife blames you for the affair. I mean really, if a wife beater came back from his individual therapy sessions full of wonderful insights like, "You know honey, my counselor agrees the reason I beat you is because it's your fault", I think most people would be appalled and unless the counselor is a complete quack, it would NEVER happen. Yet the quackery abounds in therapists when it comes to infidelity. I'd give this therapist's theories about as much thought as I do the crazy rantings of a street person.

Nobody gets to tell you how to heal. Nobody. Not this counselor. Not me. Especially not your wife. She gets zero say on how you heal. It's not like you got any say in her decision to have an affair. You didn't get any input on that lovely avenue of her personal growth.

If she doesn't like it, well, there's the door, sweetheart.

Everything is optional at this point. Stay married. Get divorced. Everything in between. The only thing not optional is you healing from this.

Re: Therapy and counseling [Re: Fergie] #430249
12/20/17 07:56 PM
12/20/17 07:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 862
mgellan Offline
mgellan  Offline
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 862
I've found "Surviving An Affair" by Drs. Hartley and Chalmers and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" by Dr. Hartley (MarriageBuilders or MB books) to be invaluable in the path to recovery of my marriage. If you or your wife are not willing to go through the system in these books to recover your marriage then you're still at square 1. Going to counselling might give you a venue to make her see that it's necessary but as Fergie said, if she's dumping all responsibility for the affair on you then you're dead in the water.

Accept 50% of the blame for your prior marriage's faults, but the decision to have an affair was 100% your wife's choice and she has to admit that. She could have suggested counselling, seperated, filed for divorce, and instead she just betrayed you. So I wouldn't put up with laying the affair at your door at all, thats bull cookies. It's all on her!

Once you understand what your respective important emotional needs (ENs) are, you'll understand what ENs you both have to address to stabilize your marriage. In particular I found I needed Affection, Admiration, and Sexual Fulfillment to be healing in my relationship, while my wife needed Domestic Support, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship to meet her needs.

We ended up going to the MC about 6 times plus a few IC sessions and the net result was by applying the MB books we were way ahead of the game and started recovery and healing much faster than with MC alone. My MC used the Gottman method which has some good points to allow structured discussion of the affairs (Atonement) and is focused on communicating, but we didn't get too far into it. My MC asked for links to the MC books LOL. I won't rule out going to the MC again if we find we're in difficulties but I wouldn't let the MC drive the pace of recovery, I found it agonizingly slow and just kept us in painful limbo longer.

Use the MC to work through problem areas like communicating but with the MB books it was pretty optional for me. YMMV.


M:1990 DD:July2017 In Recovery DS16 DS14
O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! -- Robert Burns
If you're going through hell, keep going. -- Winston Churchill

Moderated by  AntigoneRisen, Fiddler 

Newest Members
shattered72, Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail
2044 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Does anyone remember this story?3
COVID019: SBA loans for businesses, homeowners and renters6
How are you all doing?7
Combated Gaslighting11
Help! Hubby of 26 years having affair with former co-worker203
Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
How To Spot A Narcissist‚ÄĒAnd Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
Community Information
1Penalty Box


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.014s Queries: 14 (0.003s) Memory: 3.1381 MB (Peak: 3.2757 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2020-06-03 00:51:50 UTC