Who's Online Now
1 registered members (Marc878), 6 guests, and 6 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Am I still a doormat?8
2.***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga***4
3.How are you all doing?3
4.COVID019: SBA loans for businesses, homeowners and renters3
5.WuD? - Moving on.2
6.Learning about life from life........2
7.My Gratitude Journal1
8.Combated Gaslighting1
9.Site Maintenance This Evening0
10.MA Member Poll: Showing Forum Moderators0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 23 1 2 3 4 5 6 22 23
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LadyGrey] #420937
03/30/17 07:43 PM
03/30/17 07:43 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
Dear LG & family,

I'm very sorry to hear about your nephew.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

hug

Orchid

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Orchid2] #420944
03/31/17 12:25 AM
03/31/17 12:25 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,085
SFB Offline
Member
SFB  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,085
LG:

So sorry to hear this news. Peace to all in your family during this difficult time.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: SFB] #420946
03/31/17 01:51 AM
03/31/17 01:51 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Oh, no, such awful news, LG. Condolences to all of you.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: believer] #420948
03/31/17 03:21 AM
03/31/17 03:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
LG, My heart goes out to your family.

Please may I share you what my sister did to help me when my son died?

She completely got it when I said "I am unable to speak." And she undertook to make every single phone call (Other than to DD30) that had to be made. And then she marshalled every single one of Jim's cousins to attend the memorial, including his closest cousin who was en route home from a visit to his wife's family in Russia. Every one! And she handled hotel arrangements and transport and just all kids of stuff, and she couldn't afford a bit of it.

There's more, but there is a start. let your brother and SIL say what they need right now and do whatever it takes to get it done. Simple, but not easy.


Chrysalis
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LivingWell] #420951
03/31/17 12:12 PM
03/31/17 12:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,017
holdingontoit Offline
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,017
Hoping your family can find peace together in this period of strife and tribulation. Easy to feel alone and afraid. May you be each others light and warmth in a cold dark time.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: holdingontoit] #421344
04/08/17 04:14 PM
04/08/17 04:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,981
star*fish Offline
Board of Directors
star*fish  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,981
I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew LG. We've had several similar tragic losses in our family, and the untimely death of a young family member is devastating.

I read this after my cousin died of an overdose--and it helped me. I share it with you:
Quote:
What I have learned is that the loss of a young person does not fade away, nor does it diminish over time, but it can be transformative. You carry a wiser, more compassionate heart because you have swum in the murky, heavy waters of grief. You understand more fully that life is dearest and most meaningful when shared with others.

Perhaps, most surprisingly, you discover that the wide-open explosion of your heart created a kind of spontaneous combustion that allows you to hold a still-point of light. You are now able to illuminate the dark for others who have been sucker-punched by grief. And this heart light will hold you steady as you breathe and step forward into a new day, knowing that you carry them with you, now and forever more.


As far as your mom and dad are concerned, I'm going to make a suggestion for you. The people at hospice were very good at helping me with the failing health of my mother, sister and brother, but in my time at all of the care facilities I've had experience with, I'm also aware of certain counselors that are available to help people in my (and now your) situation.

I looked in Dallas, and I found someone I think might be a really good resource for you.

http://agingcaresolutions.com

Kay Paggi is a geriatric counselor/manager the DFW area who helps caregivers and their parents to navigate the challenges y'all are now facing.

Quote:
As a Professional Geriatric Care Manager, I have extensive knowledge about the costs, quality and availability of aging services. I hold a Master's Degree in Counseling and every year I attend several seminars in various topics related to Eldercare. I am an Advanced Professional member of the Aging Life Care Association, having joined the original association National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers in 1994. I have been in private practice since 1996. (For more information, see my Resume)
I have been working professionally with aging adults and their adult children since 1989. I know the eldercare system, especially as it is in Dallas and the DFW area. Providing care for your parents is unpredictable, there are few people to turn to for advice, and the medical system is poorly organized. Let me help you help your care receiver.


Sending prayers and blessings your way.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: star*fish] #421346
04/08/17 08:27 PM
04/08/17 08:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
Star & LG,

Star, thanks for sharing. Though I'm an ocean away, those words carry strength and the support option of a good counselor to guide you through this challenge is worth their weight in gold.

You are also quite right about how these experiences change our POVs. We learn not to be as selfish and show more care, expand our need to have empathy in our lives.

LG, you have a beautiful heart and am very sorry for what you are experiencing. Still you do have a load of support in many places around this globe.

Just know we you are in our hearts as well. smile

hug

Orchid

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Chrysalis] #421376
04/10/17 12:09 AM
04/10/17 12:09 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
Member
wiser_now  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
LG, My heart goes out to your family.

Please may I share you what my sister did to help me when my son died?

She completely got it when I said "I am unable to speak." And she undertook to make every single phone call (Other than to DD30) that had to be made. And then she marshalled every single one of Jim's cousins to attend the memorial, including his closest cousin who was en route home from a visit to his wife's family in Russia. Every one! And she handled hotel arrangements and transport and just all kids of stuff, and she couldn't afford a bit of it.

There's more, but there is a start. let your brother and SIL say what they need right now and do whatever it takes to get it done. Simple, but not easy.


I completely agree.

LG... I'm so very sorry. hug


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: wiser_now] #421527
04/12/17 08:45 PM
04/12/17 08:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
Professional Attorney
L
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
Thank you all for everything. It is a testament to this place that I turn to you all for comfort.

My heart literally hurts. It's the strangest feeling.

My brother spoke at the funeral -- he read a letter to his beloved son. I don't know how he did it -- I wanted to stand and applaud and I deeply regret that I didn't. When I can bear to do it, I will post it.

I spoke too (with Mark's help and insights) for a lot of reasons. My mother, who has been nicknamed "Black Heart", couldn't be bothered to get in the car and drive 4 hours to support her son, and I wanted my kids to see me doing the hard things even though they are hard as hell.

Chrys -- that's exactly what I've been doing. My husband has been AMAZING. We rented VRBO's, cooked food and poured gallons of alcohol for 26 family members. Then we cleaned up my brother's yard, planted a bunch of flowers and repainted the den. Drip sprinkler system for all those flowers is next. There's a YouTube video for EVERYTHING.

My sister-in-law won't go in the house, and my husband was brilliantly coy in drawing her to the door to inspect the work and make sure everything was rehung.

I'm in Austin at a wedding but then back to Houston until ????? I wasn't exactly in my right mind when I packed so if Houston has a cold snap, I'm ready -- going to have to buy some new clothes.

My husband thinks I need to go home sooner rather than later because my kids need me -- they are suffering terribly as all the cousins are really, really close, but my brother said it helps to have me there and I think that's where I need to be because that's where I'm needed most.

What do y'all think?

I worry about my youngest -- third person his age he was close to that committed suicide. I hope that's not normal.

I also worry about my older nephew who found the body but I'm pretty sure dealing with that is way above my pay grade.

On my walk today I kept thinking, "Sam, how could you do this to your family?" and then I remembered my own experience of a profound and unshakable conviction that everyone would be better off without me such that suicide isn't something you do TO them but FOR them.

THAT IS NEVER TRUE.

This is exactly why I got so royally pissed off at the other place when they poo pooed my fears about becoming suicidal. Heartless [Bleep!].

Last edited by LadyGrey; 04/12/17 08:47 PM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LadyGrey] #421532
04/12/17 09:09 PM
04/12/17 09:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,405
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,405
midwest
I think what you are doing is spectacular and sweet.

You will know when the time to go is. And hopefully people who need you elsewhere won't be shy about crying out for you.

I hope that you aren't being shy about when YOU need you either!

Take care of yourself, LG. No heart is bottomless for giving from.

I'm still saying prayers for all of you. I know firsthand what this particular kind of loss does to people. And it's not pretty or easy.

You're right about the thought process. It's incorrect, of course, but that's how it goes.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LadyGrey] #421533
04/12/17 09:32 PM
04/12/17 09:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
My dear LG,

What you are doing for your brother and his family is beautiful and gracious. Your family will be there for you when you get home and even though they miss you will understand.

This is a difficult time and you have rose to the occasion as a gracious supporter to your family.

What you decide to do to deal with the grief of yourself and your family is respected. What others do or don't do is their business, no disrespect intended.

Glad your H was by your side to help out from near and far.

Hugz to you and your family.
Orchid

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Orchid2] #421537
04/12/17 11:20 PM
04/12/17 11:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,539
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,539
Your kind thoughtfulness brought tears to my eyes. You are always thinking of others. Be sure to take time for you to recharge too. I'm sure your kids will need more of you as they continue to process the grief. Good for your H helping out too! Hugs, sweet lady.

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Blair] #421541
04/13/17 04:27 AM
04/13/17 04:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
I think you 'll have an idea when it is time to return home. At some point the family will have to transition to a time of more "normalcy", going back to work, deciding if they can still live in the house. I still wake up every day with a heavy weight on my chest. It's not that I can't enjoy anything; it's the weight (and aging) of terrible loss. The place where Jim ran into oncoming traffic is a place I must drive past every single day. Some days I don't process it; others it grabs me and I can't breathe.

In the meantime, would your kids come join you for a weekend and spend some more time with cousins? Might be healing for all.


Chrysalis
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Chrysalis] #421559
04/13/17 06:19 PM
04/13/17 06:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
I did think of one more thing. If your brother and SIL are not aware if it already, The Compassionate Friends is an international group for those who have lost children. There are specialized FB groups for those who have lost due to substance abuse or suicide, all secret and private groups. There are local chapters. For many this group provides deep understanding for this very terrible kind of loss. Lots of men in it.


Chrysalis
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LivingWell] #421561
04/13/17 08:11 PM
04/13/17 08:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
I am so, so sorry LadyGrey!!!

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Marta] #421563
04/13/17 08:52 PM
04/13/17 08:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
Member
wiser_now  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
LG,

You gave me a gift today. It was this:
Quote:
suicide isn't something you do TO them but FOR them.


I've never heard that before. I read that and imagined my son (who you may remember attempted suicide more than once) thought this exact thing.

Thank you.

I will also echo those who are making sure that you practice self-care. hug


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: wiser_now] #421623
04/19/17 08:14 PM
04/19/17 08:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
Member
wiser_now  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
I'm sorry, LG. Looks like I killed this thread...

Hope you'll come back to it.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: wiser_now] #421631
04/19/17 09:13 PM
04/19/17 09:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
WN,

No, the server issue dropped a lot of posts and some threads. It's being restored in sections (I believe).

Just need a bit of patience on our parts. Remember those days when da' other place used to go down and posts went poof?

It doesn't happen that often here but once in a great while.......I have faith it will be resolved. wink

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Orchid2] #421759
04/21/17 11:28 PM
04/21/17 11:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
Professional Attorney
L
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
My husband got T-boned in the panhandle driving home so it was back home then back to Texas.

Have been helping my brother and sister in law navigate the world of burial -- it's unbelievable.

Now I'm going to pick out his burial clothes which comes under the heading of something no parent should ever have to do.

THIS SUCKS.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LadyGrey] #421760
04/21/17 11:41 PM
04/21/17 11:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,678
SoCal
We were very fortunate with the people at the mortuary who helped us. They were very tender and kind.

My H decided that he wanted to be present when Jim was cremated, which I hadn't thought of, but it turned out to be a very symbolic last thing we were able to do for him. Very hard. That's when DS23 chose to say his good-byes as well.

Walking through this stuff is the most terrible thing I can imagine facing.


Chrysalis
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Chrysalis] #421803
04/24/17 02:10 AM
04/24/17 02:10 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,188
L
LivingWell Offline
Member
LivingWell  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,188
LG, I have nothing helpful to add but know that you're in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.

Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LivingWell] #421820
04/24/17 03:16 PM
04/24/17 03:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,017
holdingontoit Offline
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,017
LG: Just think, if your marriage had been all rainbows and unicorns, you would not have nearly as much experience dealing with bad feelings and this series of events might crush you.

Of course, I wish life was (were?) not presenting you with so many opportunities to practice the skills you have developed in coping with bad feelings. My wish and prayer is that those opportunities diminish and your skills wither from disuse.

Sending you thoughts of peace and healing for all involved. And hope that the list of those people will decrease swiftly.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: holdingontoit] #421838
04/25/17 03:39 AM
04/25/17 03:39 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,389
Utah
Kayla Offline
Member
Kayla  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,389
Utah
((((HUGS))))

With all the love and strength you are giving to others, I am praying that God fills your heart with peace as well. You have been through so much, and still stay devoted to family with all you have.

((((HUGS and KINDNESS))))



Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: Kayla] #422084
05/04/17 02:46 AM
05/04/17 02:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
Professional Attorney
L
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,655
Back home with the specter of moving to Houston for my husband's career hanging over me.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN HOUSTON. It's flat and ugly and traffic is horrible and there are huge flying roaches everywhere.

But I'll do it if need be. I'm trying hard to let God work in my life and maybe she wants me in Houston with my brother and his family. I won't fight that -- at least not too hard -- but my children are all in Colorado and my daughter wants to have a baby.

Story of my life -- everyone has a rock iron hold on one of my limbs and is pulling like mad. No way to make what I want happen.

My depression is out of control. I spend my long walks mostly thinking about Sam -- his bright smile and wit -- and always circle back to the same place: why don't I have the courage to get a gun and blow my head off.

I just don't.

Another FAIL.

I am, however, standing firm in my resolve to not see a doctor. Donald Trump and the Republican party want me dead? OK by me. EVERYONE told me the Republicans wouldn't enact a health care bill that threw 24 million people (including me) off of health insurance and I maintained that they absolutely would in a New York minute to give their donors tax breaks.

I was Right.

I argue about this with my husband and my dad but I have the winning argument. You can't MAKE someone seek healthcare. I'm not going to waste this family's financial resources treating whatever so there's no reason to diagnose whatever.

I have been liberated from those pesky mammograms, doctors visits, blood tests, blood pressure checks and pelvic exams (especially) by the Trump voters.

THANK YOU TRUMPSTERS! I'm just SURE it is going to work out GREAT for you and your families!

Actually, that's not true. I hope Every.Single.Person who voted for Trump suffers agonies of uncertainty, not about themselves, but about what Trump means for the healthcare for their children and grandchildren. When their child or grandchild is diagnosed with asthma or a heart murmur or a spinal condition or autism or mental illness or bad knees or anything else that will label that child for life with a pre-existing condition, I hope they suffer agonies of regret over putting politics before their very own blood.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Tonight's note to my siblings [Re: LadyGrey] #422086
05/04/17 03:07 AM
05/04/17 03:07 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,860
HI
No you don't but I hear your frustration.

Did you see the J Kimmel show on Monday? It was heart wrenching and he reached out with those who are suffering similar medical issues but with a lot less $$$$.

I was appalled but not shocked to see how uncaring some of the comments were. Even that one congressman who denounced JK's sincere opinion.

Now Lg, please use your common sense and go see a doctor when you need to. I get you don't want to but need supercedes want, ok?

jmo,
Orchid

Page 4 of 23 1 2 3 4 5 6 22 23

Moderated by  Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
shattered72, Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail
2044 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
COVID019: SBA loans for businesses, homeowners and renters3
How are you all doing?3
Combated Gaslighting11
Help! Hubby of 26 years having affair with former co-worker186
Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
How To Spot A Narcissist—And Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
expired security certificate1
Community Information
2044Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8481Topics
462444Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.034s Queries: 15 (0.010s) Memory: 3.3821 MB (Peak: 3.7368 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2020-04-06 02:17:17 UTC