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Six years later ... #417708
12/29/16 01:55 AM
12/29/16 01:55 AM
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D4MIL Offline OP
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It's been a while since I've been on this board .. but I thought maybe I'd give a bit of an update. this might also be something for the LBS to read .. if it helps someone, then I'd be happy.

A brief background .. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for about 3.5 years. It may seem short but emotional abuse was daily and i didn't realize the impact it had on me until it ended. He left and although there was no infidelity, the road to healing was long.

I have been in therapy for about six years now and I didn't even know I needed it until one day I just about snapped at a coworker for something small. Therapy was probably one of the best things that I did post divorce. I was an absolute basket case on this board and behind closed doors. In public (work, lawyer, in front of family & most friends) I was stoic. I numbed myself so that I remained calm. I don't recommend that because when you numb the hurt, the sadness, the anger, and the knot in the pit of your stomach .. you numb joy, happiness, laughter, and pleasure of simple things. To undo that auto-numbing takes a while ..

Anyway, my divorce was contentious and my ex had a bunch of ridiculous demands (ie. he wanted the engagement ring, my wedding ring, and 75% our home). He didn't get any of it but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I bought a house while this was all going on and he decided to drag it out even further .. thinking that I wouldn't have money to close the deal on my new home. But I got my house anyway. It wasn't until then that he was willing to negotiate again. He still didn't get anything but at that point, he wanted it to be over with because he had a serious girlfriend at that point.

I went through my divorce pretty much by myself. I didn't have anyone by my side. My family was pretty much absent through it all. They aren't aware of how awful divorce can be - I was the only person in my family to go through such an experience.

At first, I wanted to save my marriage .. but after living on my own, I can't tell you how much I love being on my own. I went from walking on egg shells to doing whatever I wanted without being afraid or being manipulated. I could eat potato chips without someone telling me I'd get fat, I could hit the gym and not have someone criticize how slow I was, I didn't have to endure sex, I could watch whatever I wanted on tv, I could have store bought cookies at home, I could finally have watermelon!

I didn't date for the first 5 years. I rebuilt my career, rebuilt my life, and got a life. I went back to school and got two wine certifications, took a photography course, took a public speaking course, took culinary classes, hit the gym 3 times a week, played racquet sports, and now? I don't hit the gym 3 times a week .. Instead, I am at the yoga studio 5-6 days a week. I can do all of this because I don't have children. I'm also 43 now and look better than I ever have.

I tried the dating thing but they often left me hurt. i was ghosted twice by guys who were seeing me for at least 3 months but only to stop answering my text or returning my calls. I guess that must be the thing nowadays .. just drop the person without telling them. I will never understand that behaviour but I was once told to "live your life the right way .. karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you". In both cases, I took the high road .. didn't bombard the other person with messages or leave a pot of boiling bunny stew on their front porch. I know, tempting ..

Being dumped sucks but I would rather just walk away and try to make my own life better. After the first ghosting, I got a better job and a better salary. The second ghosting? It would never have lasted anyway .. he was great on paper but the red flags were popping up. Maybe it was a blessing that he dumped me ..

Love may not be in the cards for me, but I think overall .. I'm better off. I'm still working through issues with my therapist because of the numbing, the abuse, the FOO issues, and learning about boundaries .. but I have also learned that I cannot rush my healing. Whenever I tried to, it would take me two steps back. However, I have reached a point of being at peace with my ex. It took a long time and even though we have not spoken since, I don't hate him. I don't think about him at all and I don't wish anything bad to happen to him. Forgiving him was hard to do but it does bring me a sense of peace.

I can't promise I'll write often .. but I want to say thanks to catperson, CajunRose, and believer .. I never forgot the time and effort you took to support me.

Last edited by D4MIL; 12/29/16 02:13 AM.
Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417711
12/29/16 03:44 AM
12/29/16 03:44 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Wow. I am VERY impressed! If you get a chance, I hope you will help others realize the benefit that good therapy can be. And don't be so sure about finding a mate. You're becoming a great potential partner.

Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417712
12/29/16 04:10 AM
12/29/16 04:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,386
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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D4MIL, so glad you've posted an update. Yes, it's been a long time. And you sound like you're in a better place for all the work you've put in... "Rebuilt your career, rebuilt your life, got a life." You're very active, too, and that's a pillar of emotional health.

You got a bum deal, but that time-worn adage applies here: Living well is the best revenge.
Brava! thumbsup

Re: Six years later ... [Re: right here waiting] #417713
12/29/16 04:52 AM
12/29/16 04:52 AM
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Posts: 1,959
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D4MIL Offline OP
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this is just total coincidence but the d-bomb was dropped around this time back in 2009.

It was a lot of work and I did more reading than all of my high school years smile.

I'm by no means perfect .. I still have setbacks every once in a while but I definitely learned a lot about myself. I had to learn how to love myself ..

Catperson .. it's funny how you say I am becoming a great potential partner .. the last guy who dumped me .. had a few unattractive qualities:

1. He didn't have much of a life. Sure he did crossfit but he always seemed to have a lot of time on his hands. Whereas I was busy 6 days a week and I was always happy. When you don't have a life and you always want to see me? Needy. Ugh.

2. He had a self confidence issue. His idea of building self-confidence was to put down others. He was overweight and lost 40 lbs doing crossfit - awesome but that 40 lbs went from his waistline to his head. He said we crossfitters look at people who do Zumba or P90X and say your workout is our warm up.

Really?! So unattractive and obnoxious. It goes against my values and I hate to think that he's teaching his daughter that kind of behaviour. But I may have sealed my own fate when I said to him that self confidence comes from within .. knowing who you are and does not require external validation.

Then I took a step back and thought .. D4, is that you?!! smile

Last edited by D4MIL; 12/29/16 05:30 AM.
Re: Six years later ... [Re: right here waiting] #417714
12/29/16 04:59 AM
12/29/16 04:59 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Rhw .. living well is the best revenge but it has to be defined by you .. not what someone else believes is an awesome life.

It doesn't mean living beyond your means. It's being happy and grateful for what you have.

My ex remarried and has a child. I'm single and no children.. am I worse off? Only if I choose to view it that way. But if it means being free from the abuse, I'll take my current life any day ..

Last edited by D4MIL; 12/29/16 12:18 PM.
Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417715
12/29/16 06:15 AM
12/29/16 06:15 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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Orchid2 Offline
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D4MIL,

Wow, blast from the past. smile Good to hear from you. Even better, that you are doing well and survived the D.

Very proud of you.

Thanks for the update and please don't be a stranger. You have a lot to offer, especially to the newbies here. wink

Take care,
Orchid

Re: Six years later ... [Re: Orchid2] #417727
12/29/16 02:56 PM
12/29/16 02:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,911
holdingontoit Offline
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Thanks for the update. Glad to hear you are physically and mentally well. If you want a relationship, some day you will have one. If you are taking classes and going out to your activities (yoga, wine, photography) you will eventually meet someone compatible. the waiting is tough but worth it. As you well know, a bad relationship is far far worse than no relationship. I am so impressed how active you are. I never seem to be able to fit in activities outside of work. Nice job doing life well.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Six years later ... [Re: holdingontoit] #417752
12/29/16 09:55 PM
12/29/16 09:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,959
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Thank you holdingontoit..

The members of this board helped a lot. I wasn't sure where to put my update because I didn't want to revive my old thread. But I chose to give an update around this time because the bomb was dropped on me around this time 6-7 years ago. I remember how difficult the holidays were and I wanted to ensure that someone was around to support those who are hurting. I hear that around the new year time frame is when most WAS drop the bomb on the LBS as well.

If anybody is reading this .. some things I learned ..

1. You're not alone. It might feel like it but there is someone out there who has been there.

2. Educate yourself on your legal rights and find the best lawyer you can hire. How do you know you have a good lawyer? They tell you to check your emotions at the door. If the lawyer encourages you to be emotionally charged, they only want your money. Lawyers aren't your friends or therapists. The first thing my lawyer told me was to use his time wisely. So many people come in fighting for petty things out of spite and end up with huge legal bill that they are paying long after the divorce is over.

3. Protect yourself and your children financially. Men and women need to do this. Even if you kick the WAS out of the house, there might be some time before any support is legally given to you. Don't get yourself in financial trouble .. it will be tough to get out once you're in the hole.

When they say the best revenge is to live well .. living well doesn't include being in debt. Debt is a huge stressor. So avoid it at all costs. Debt means you'll have trouble renting a place, getting a loan for a car or house .. it can hurt your chances for a decent job. No good can come out of it. You want revenge on your ex? Don't dig yourself into a financial hole .. he or she isn't responsible for it. You are.

4. If he or she wants to leave, let them. I know .. it's hard but you have to. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. And if he or she wants to leave, nothing you can say or do will make them stay. So let them go ..

5. Get a life. I don't mean you should sign up at match.com. Get yourself in shape. Hit the gym, go for a walk, join a running club, get yourself around people in a non romantic way. I joined a public speaking course. It was once a week for 10 weeks. When that ended, I hit the gym .. I played team sports .. it just snowballed from there. Eventually you will find yourself saying .. why didn't I do this before? Oh yeah, the dead weight that was holding ME back.

6. Find a good therapist. As wonderful as your friends are, it's always best to talk to a professional. I've been in therapy for 6 years and therapy works when you do the work that the therapists asks you to do (ie. a gratitude journal, volunteer work, etc).

7. Divorce won't kill you. There is no miracle process to save your marriage. The process is to save you .. and if you do end up divorced, it's not the end of the world. You might even find yourself saying again .. why didn't I do this sooner? Oh yeah, dead weight.


Last edited by D4MIL; 12/30/16 01:24 AM.
Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417754
12/30/16 12:51 AM
12/30/16 12:51 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,355
whatsupdoc? Offline
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Great advice!


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417759
12/30/16 04:11 AM
12/30/16 04:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,386
right here waiting Offline
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Originally Posted By: D4MIL
Rhw .. living well is the best revenge but it has to be defined by you .. not what someone else believes is an awesome life.

It doesn't mean living beyond your means. It's being happy and grateful for what you have.

My ex remarried and has a child. I'm single and no children.. am I worse off? Only if I choose to view it that way. But if it means being free from the abuse, I'll take my current life any day ..


Absolutely. ^^^^Winner attitude!^^^^

Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417760
12/30/16 04:58 AM
12/30/16 04:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,625
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Orchid2 Offline
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Originally Posted By: D4MIL
Thank you holdingontoit..

The members of this board helped a lot. I wasn't sure where to put my update because I didn't want to revive my old thread. But I chose to give an update around this time because the bomb was dropped on me around this time 6-7 years ago. I remember how difficult the holidays were and I wanted to ensure that someone was around to support those who are hurting. I hear that around the new year time frame is when most WAS drop the bomb on the LBS as well.

If anybody is reading this .. some things I learned ..

1. You're not alone. It might feel like it but there is someone out there who has been there.

2. Educate yourself on your legal rights and find the best lawyer you can hire. How do you know you have a good lawyer? They tell you to check your emotions at the door. If the lawyer encourages you to be emotionally charged, they only want your money. Lawyers aren't your friends or therapists. The first thing my lawyer told me was to use his time wisely. So many people come in fighting for petty things out of spite and end up with huge legal bill that they are paying long after the divorce is over.

3. Protect yourself and your children financially. Men and women need to do this. Even if you kick the WAS out of the house, there might be some time before any support is legally given to you. Don't get yourself in financial trouble .. it will be tough to get out once you're in the hole.

When they say the best revenge is to live well .. living well doesn't include being in debt. Debt is a huge stressor. So avoid it at all costs. Debt means you'll have trouble renting a place, getting a loan for a car or house .. it can hurt your chances for a decent job. No good can come out of it. You want revenge on your ex? Don't dig yourself into a financial hole .. he or she isn't responsible for it. You are.

4. If he or she wants to leave, let them. I know .. it's hard but you have to. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. And if he or she wants to leave, nothing you can say or do will make them stay. So let them go ..

5. Get a life. I don't mean you should sign up at match.com. Get yourself in shape. Hit the gym, go for a walk, join a running club, get yourself around people in a non romantic way. I joined a public speaking course. It was once a week for 10 weeks. When that ended, I hit the gym .. I played team sports .. it just snowballed from there. Eventually you will find yourself saying .. why didn't I do this before? Oh yeah, the dead weight that was holding ME back.

6. Find a good therapist. As wonderful as your friends are, it's always best to talk to a professional. I've been in therapy for 6 years and therapy works when you do the work that the therapists asks you to do (ie. a gratitude journal, volunteer work, etc).

7. Divorce won't kill you. There is no miracle process to save your marriage. The process is to save you .. and if you do end up divorced, it's not the end of the world. You might even find yourself saying again .. why didn't I do this sooner? Oh yeah, dead weight.



I like this post. thumbsup

Re: Six years later ... [Re: Orchid2] #417770
12/30/16 01:27 PM
12/30/16 01:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
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D4 it is so good to see you!!! I knew you were up to great things smile Thanks for checking back in with us. I love hearing how content you sound, you SO deserve it!!!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Six years later ... [Re: whatsupdoc?] #417771
12/30/16 01:37 PM
12/30/16 01:37 PM
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
Great advice!


And how are you doing @whatsupdoc ? I don't know your story but I did see mention of unable to sleep ..

Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417773
12/30/16 02:47 PM
12/30/16 02:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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D4,

getting healthy inside yourself, it's just the greatest gift you can give, to yourself and to the world actually. I'm so impressed with what you have done, and what you are putting out there. It's really inspirational! I'm working hard on the same kind of journey every day, and it's the most worthwhile work I've ever done, besides raising kids.

Good on you! thanks for coming back and sharing all this with us!


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Six years later ... [Re: Miranda] #417908
01/04/17 04:09 AM
01/04/17 04:09 AM
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Posts: 1,959
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Thanks Miranda ..

Sometimes it's hard for me to see the progress because I've been living it for the last 6 years. I tend to focus on what I haven't been able to accomplish.

I have noticed that I have become less social as a result of all the work that I've done. I got used to doing things by myself and not relying on others that I've become a bit anti-social.

I had to do it for good reason though .. in the beginning, when my ex and I separated, it was the first time in my life I was alone. And it was a way to teach me how to figure out what I wanted. I had nobody around to divert the attention off to. Since I had lost myself in the marriage, focusing on me was a way to rediscover myself and what my needs were.

Six years is a long time .. and it may be time to start looking at other people's needs.

In 2017, I hope to work on that and engage with others on a social level. I'm great at work and discussing surface level issues but when it comes to talking about me and allowing people to get to know me .. it's a bit of a challenge to get me to talk about me or let people get close to me. I have close friends but I haven't made a new close friend in a while.

This is easy stuff for most .. it's paralyzing fear for me.

Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #417930
01/04/17 01:57 PM
01/04/17 01:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
Miranda Offline
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D4

Actually reaching out to others was one of the things I had to teach myself to do early on in the game, because my isolation was PART of my dysfunction! But that was my personal journey, of course yours is different. I had been badly abused as a child, and am in an abusive relationship now. So isolation is a huge part of it.

Learning to reach out to others was very counter intuitive. Very scary. I had limited comfort and an odd skill set there. But I really have learned a lot, I need to do more still though. It's a process, as all of these things are.

Reaching out and forming relationships with others comes with time if you just put yourself out there doing things in social settings. Join some activity groups, do some charitable activities, mentor someone, then start talking. Next thing you know, buddies crop up! It just happens. You'll do great. I'm positive of it.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #418054
01/07/17 12:46 AM
01/07/17 12:46 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Hi D4MIL!

I've often wondered how you were faring. I'm so glad that you checked in and gave us an update. I think you are doing spectacular!

Quote:
I tried the dating thing but they often left me hurt. i was ghosted twice by guys who were seeing me for at least 3 months but only to stop answering my text or returning my calls. I guess that must be the thing nowadays .. just drop the person without telling them.


This behavior alone is a huge red flag banner flashing marquee. You are definitely much better off without people who would treat you in such a manner.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Six years later ... [Re: Miranda] #418673
01/22/17 02:51 AM
01/22/17 02:51 AM
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Miranda

Reaching out and forming relationships with others comes with time if you just put yourself out there doing things in social settings. Join some activity groups, do some charitable activities, mentor someone, then start talking. Next thing you know, buddies crop up! It just happens. You'll do great. I'm positive of it.


Hi Miranda!

Reaching out and forming relationships is by far the toughest because it is way out of my comfort zone. I never join others for group lunches or dinners with clients. Last week, I turned down two outings in favour of yoga because I'm familiar with the setting and it's minimally social.

But you're right .. it takes time. I'll definitely try it .. even if it's unnatural at first. smile

Hope you are well ..

Re: Six years later ... [Re: AntigoneRisen] #418674
01/22/17 03:04 AM
01/22/17 03:04 AM
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D4MIL Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen

I've often wondered how you were faring. I'm so glad that you checked in and gave us an update. I think you are doing spectacular!


AR, hope you are doing well .. I think of the people on this board often .. I remember how helpful this place was for me.

Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen
Quote:
I tried the dating thing but they often left me hurt. i was ghosted twice by guys who were seeing me for at least 3 months but only to stop answering my text or returning my calls. I guess that must be the thing nowadays .. just drop the person without telling them.


This behavior alone is a huge red flag banner flashing marquee. You are definitely much better off without people who would treat you in such a manner.

The thing is, I can't tell if the person will end up doing that to me .. until it happens. It makes it difficult to truly be in a relationship .. I'll always have one foot out just so it won't hurt as much when I get silently dumped.

Whenever I turn someone down, I tell them that I don't feel a connection because if it was me, I'd want to be told. I find it disrespectful and cowardly to leave without saying anything.

The bright side is that i didn't waste too much of my time. I could have ended up with an insecure coward.

Re: Six years later ... [Re: D4MIL] #418677
01/22/17 04:56 AM
01/22/17 04:56 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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D4MIL

Good to hear from you.

Fear can protect and eventually hold us back. You think you are ready to go past the fear?

Please come back and spend some time here. Help us with the newbies and well.....even some of us oldies can use some support. wink

Take care,
Orchid


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