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When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post #416399
11/28/16 07:17 PM
11/28/16 07:17 PM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Quote:
As a parent, you may want to provide financial assistance to your adult children when they need it. But what if one faces more money woes than another?

Should you provide extra, periodic cash infusions or leave him or her more in your will? And if so, should you let the other sibling or siblings know?

Of course, there are no definitive answers to those questions. And playing financial favorites, even for a good reason, can have unintended consequences. “Families are complicated systems,” says Megan Ford, a financial therapist at the University of Georgia’s ASPIRE Clinic and president of the Financial Therapy Association. “And money inequality — perceived or otherwise — can introduce even further complexity, affecting relationships.”

That said, sometimes parents feel they have no choice. If you’re struggling with this issue, here is some savvy advice from experts that could be useful, provided as questions and answers:

Is It Ever Fair to Help One Child More Than Another?

Yes. It’s understandable if you don’t want to see your grown child in a financial bind. Most often, Ford says, the reason parents offer financial support to an adult son or daughter is that he or she is struggling due to a job loss, divorce or the pursuit of a career path that’s meaningful, but not lucrative. Parents also may want to provide assistance to a child dealing with addiction or mental health issues. And ongoing support may be a given for parents whose adult children are disabled or have special needs.

Ford believes that most instances of financial inequality are a response to a particular situation and are not an expression of favoritism. Sometimes, the parents may not even be aware they’re giving unequal amounts to their children because their help is periodic and seems small each time.

Could Providing Regular Support to One Child Backfire?

Yes it can, if it results in him or her being unwilling to become self-supportive, posing a drain on your finances. This kind of enabling also may breed resentment in your other children who feel they’re being penalized for working hard or choosing a well-paying career while a sibling gets a free ride.

Take the case of Declan (not his real name) and his brother. Declan is a 50-year-old consultant who is married with two children. His older brother trained as a lawyer but never practiced, and instead worked in college administration before losing his job at 52. Because his wife stayed home with their children, his parents stepped in to cover some of their bills. But he also stayed out of the workforce for three years, without taking even temp jobs. Meanwhile, Declan and his wife worked full-time to provide for their family.

Declan admits he’s sometimes angry that his parents have created a dynamic that “enables a grown man to not take responsibility for his own finances. It sends a terrible message.” Because his brother recently got a job at a local university, his parents are no longer helping out — a big relief to Declan, who’s concerned that his parents curtailed their own desires and needs at a time in their lives when they should be treating themselves...


When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: AntigoneRisen] #416430
11/29/16 01:22 PM
11/29/16 01:22 PM
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This is a problem I struggle with. My son is in a stable and healthy marriage. He and his wife both work and budget their money so they can take care of their children and live a comfortable (not extravagant) life. Their children go to daycare so both parents can work, and are thriving. They own their home and they work hard to be independent. We are so proud of him.

My daughter on the other hand, has been a stay at home mom. The jobs she's had in the past revolved around music and theater. She's been the lead singer in several fairly successful bands, but with three very small children--that's no longer a good option. We recently gave her money for coursework in realestate, but she hasn't finished it. She has a history of health problems and anxiety. She's been through two bad marriages and recently married again. We own the house she lives in. She is beautiful and creative, and her children are also thriving. We are so proud of her--but she has consistently needed more financial (and other) support than our son has.

We love both of our children, but I know my son sometimes feel short-changed and resentful.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416450
11/29/16 06:05 PM
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My sister received a lot of assistance from my parents. Not sure about if they helped or paid for college or her first car. I know they helped with her first house and some odds and ends with that house. When I entered college, I did not want my parents' help. I wanted to do it on my own, which I did.

What stings to this day though...my parents helped financially with some home repairs for my sister. They, out of their own guilt, gave me some money towards the down payment on my car because they "have done a lot of for your sister. We felt we needed to help you a little."

I didn't need it. If they wanted to help as a gift, they could have worded it better than that.

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Oblivious2678] #416453
11/29/16 06:19 PM
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I have two sons.

One is a giver. One is a taker. I mean it's not as simple as that, but then again, it kind of is. We work hard on not "overgiving" to the taker, and we have to force the giver to take anything from us.

<shrug> It's just weird. I don't get how they're so different, but they are. It is what it is.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Miranda] #416475
11/29/16 11:28 PM
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Miranda--your description fits my situation fairly well too. I know exactly what you mean.

Oblivious--Wow, I'm really glad you posted today. H and I were thinking of giving my son the down payment on a new home. Yes it is because we feel as though he deserves--not help, but reward for his hard work. It doesn't seem fair that he's somehow short-changed because his sister needs financial aid.

But after what you wrote--I'm cautious now about how to offer the gift and I don't want to offend him. What would be a good way to say it? What would you have wanted to hear? He doesn't need our help either--but I know they've been saving for a bigger house since their second child was born. Is it a good idea to offer to help with that?


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416501
11/30/16 03:23 PM
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My experience tells me there is no way to be sure to avoid triggering bad feelings over family money. No matter what you do, someone might be upset. If you treat them equally the one who needs more feels slighted. If you help the one who needs more help the one who needs less help feels slighted. You can't guarantee a "win" and have them all be happy.

The only thing you can do is explain to all of them why you did what you did and give them a chance to air their views. That way at least they won't make up false reasons in their head and fight over what you "must" have intended by doing what you did. They will know what you actually intended. They still might not agree you did the right thing. Which is OK. Because there is no one right thing.

Star, maybe you should ask your S if he would be insulted if you offered to help. Or ask if offering to help would be welcome or insulting.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416502
11/30/16 03:32 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Hold has a good suggestion.

Tell your son, "I'd like to offer you something towards xyz, I have plenty set aside, I'm in a good position to do so and I know you have been working hard towards it. How would you feel about that?"


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Miranda] #416503
11/30/16 04:31 PM
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Not "I would like to." That is already pressure and guilt inducing.

Something like "your father and I were discussing whether we would be in a position to help you in getting a new house. But before we take those conversations forward, and discuss it with our financial advisor, I was wondering whether that is something you would welcome or would it bother you that we inserted ourselves into the process? No point our wasting time if it would only insult you for us to offer."

That makes it very easy for him to say "thanks but no thanks" without him worrying that he is hurting your feelings.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416507
11/30/16 05:14 PM
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At one point my parents decided to equal out the books. They started by forgiving each of us the money we had "borrowed" over the years. They pointed out the different contributions each had received. I got the college education, sis #1 got the car, sis # 2 got a home for herself and children for a few years when her marriage broke up. Different people, different needs, same family, same love. After that it was strictly equal inheritance. I always admired my parents for their open and honest discussion with us all.

We have been as open with kids as we can. DS 22 will need more support. We are trying to figure out how to do that. It is worrisome as DS22 is not exactly cooperative in getting out of his very narrow comfort zone.

Star, if it were my family, instead of offering to help, which makes you look like the knights in shining armor and might be resented, I'd simply give a cash gift. Who knows, it might be used to fund a trip to Antarctica, but it would be used to meet their goals and their situation with their own autonomy in mind.


Chrysalis
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416508
11/30/16 05:25 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Not "I would like to." That is already pressure and guilt inducing.

Something like "your father and I were discussing whether we would be in a position to help you in getting a new house. But before we take those conversations forward, and discuss it with our financial advisor, I was wondering whether that is something you would welcome or would it bother you that we inserted ourselves into the process? No point our wasting time if it would only insult you for us to offer."

That makes it very easy for him to say "thanks but no thanks" without him worrying that he is hurting your feelings.


The reason I said it that way, was to make sure it was apparent that it was no financial hardship to help. That you were definitely in a position to do so and had considered it carefully already. For some kids that makes a huge difference


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Chrysalis] #416512
11/30/16 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
At one point my parents decided to equal out the books. They started by forgiving each of us the money we had "borrowed" over the years. They pointed out the different contributions each had received. I got the college education, sis #1 got the car, sis # 2 got a home for herself and children for a few years when her marriage broke up. Different people, different needs, same family, same love. After that it was strictly equal inheritance. I always admired my parents for their open and honest discussion with us all.

We have been as open with kids as we can. DS 22 will need more support. We are trying to figure out how to do that. It is worrisome as DS22 is not exactly cooperative in getting out of his very narrow comfort zone.

Star, if it were my family, instead of offering to help, which makes you look like the knights in shining armor and might be resented, I'd simply give a cash gift. Who knows, it might be used to fund a trip to Antarctica, but it would be used to meet their goals and their situation with their own autonomy in mind.


My Dad likes things to be All Equal. As the 4 of us Kids (two his/two my moms) have aged he is beginning to see how impractical it is. For instance, my step brother is in a nursing facility and will never leave it. He has about 6 months to live and he does not have his mind. My brother is a user and has in addition to that turned against our family over religion. My Step Sister and I are more the same....just living our lives and raising our kids and helping with grandkids (she has grands not me yet).

I know my brother and step brother have both received large amounts of money (relatively) from my parents over the years for various big needs.

So they are in a quandary about inheritance etc. Their ridiculous solution was to rescind their will...which basically puts it back to all 4 kids having to share the estate should something happen to both my parents at the same time.

If my parents want to give me gifts I take it. They do things like give us $200 when we took our kids on a big vacation. And they were a huge help when we bought a house for cash but did not yet have the equity out of the house we were selling. They loaned us a big amount of cash with no questions. I was very nervous about that until I had the money returned to them.

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: SmilingWife] #416520
11/30/16 07:15 PM
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Star,

Hold is correct in that someone may be upset no matter what. The way he words it sounds great. The best way to not offend is to make it equally available to each kid when they reach that milestone in their life.

Me personally, I rarely, if ever (can't completely remember), heard that my parents were proud of me and my accomplishments. I had graduated from college, started my first real corporate job. I was feeling accomplished, feeling more like an adult.

If they would have said, "We are very proud of you and what you have achieved this year: graduating, new job. We understand how independent you are, but we'd love to offer you $1000 to help with the down payment of your car. You deserve it."

Something along those lines. I HATED accepting money/help from my parents. They fought about finances when I was growing up and it stuck with me throughout my life. This made me not want to be a burden on them at all. My sister, evidently didn't care too much about that as much as I did.

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Oblivious2678] #416524
11/30/16 07:46 PM
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Thanks to everybody for their suggestions--they are really helpful. I have spoken to both my son and daughter about their feelings regarding this issue--not because I brought it up, but because it arose organically.

My son has expressed the fact that his sister is always in crisis and he feels short-changed--not just financially but emotionally. He feels like he's been the "good" kid, the "responsible" kid--and it's only made him the "forgotten" kid. He thinks we enable our daughter and resents the fact that she gets all the attention.

My daughter feels like we think she's a screw-up and favor our son the "golden child" who "never does anything wrong". She thinks he gets all of our praise and respect and that we aren't proud of her. She resents the fact that she has to come for us for help.

I have tried as a mother to do my best to show both of them how much I love them, am proud of them, and willing to help them. But if you've got three kids, and one is struggling more than the others--it's easy for things to get unbalanced for a while--even when they're not unbalanced in my heart.

I think you guys are right though--I should feel my son out before offering this gift--and have a conversation about what it means and what he wants. The idea isn't to "even things out" like this is some kind of obligation--I don't want him to think that.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416533
11/30/16 08:44 PM
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Star,

I think you're on the right track for sure. My sister thought the same thing...still does...

My daughter feels like we favor our son the "golden child" who "never does anything wrong".

It is also very true that the "responsible" kid can end up being the "forgotten" kid. Good for your son for speaking up and good for YOU for him to feel comfortable telling you his true feelings.

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Oblivious2678] #416544
11/30/16 10:11 PM
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I'll tell you what this issue is, for me.

Without going into a long history, my oldest daughter (in her mid-thirties) was basically supported by her father, then her husband, then her father again as she struggled through a divorce. Five years later, she was still living with her dad, worked for him very part time, paying no rent, buying food with his money and her cigarettes and other toiletries and stuff with the money she made helping him (he owned his own landscaping business).

Then he died.

So, along with grieving, she had to find a way to live. I couldn't help her... certainly not to the tune her father did. I occasionally sent a couple of hundred dollars or a care package... but I simply could not afford more.

Two years later, she has a semblance of normalcy in the real world... i.e. has a job and is working her butt off.

I am incredibly proud of her... but... I wish she'd figured out how to take care of herself before her dad died. He did her no favors though I don't blame him, either. It was a bad situation we both set up (we divorced when she was 19, so I certainly have some responsibility!).


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: wiser_now] #416551
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wiser,

My daughter has three very small children and left an abusive marriage with nothing. She has multiple health problems and no insurance. He doesn't pay any child support. It would be a little easier to just cut her off and let her fight back to normalcy if not for the kids. It was either help her, let her move in with us, or let her and the kids go to a shelter. We could afford to help her--so I would hate to take funding away from someone who has nobody. As a parent--you're torn between helping, but not helping so much that it hurts them.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416552
12/01/16 12:15 AM
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It is not easy to know what to do. You can't try it both ways and see which works out better. It gnaws at you not knowing which choice is best. That is why the communication is as important as the choice. You want them to see the agonizing. Not usually what parents want to allow their kids to see. But if you don't, you end up making them feel inadequate because, after all, you were also so calm and in control and their lives seem to always feel like a series of disasters. They need to see all the ugliness of the sausage-making, and that Mom and Dad are just as scared and confused they are making mistakes, even all these years later.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416575
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I kind of agree with Oblivious, the responsible kid can end up being the forgotten kid.

My sister has always been very irresponsible, though she ended up with a better job than I did. My parents paid for her college, first to get a teaching certificate, then a Masters in Biology, and finally Harvard Law School.

Sometimes it cracks me up because I still remember having to meet her at the school cafeteria when we were in elementary school to pay for her lunch. She was unable to pay for it herself. That was my job.

I moved out of the house when I was 18, worked and paid for my education and was completely independent.

Fast forward over the years, my sister was a successful partner in a law firm, but still had problems budgeting and being responsible.

Both of my parents died and left half of their estate to me and half to my sister. Unfortunately, my sister was the executor of the estate.

She still felt like she deserved more than her half and we've been fighting about it for over 4 years. I had to hire an attorney to protect my interests.

My sister had always relied on money from my parents. When they died, I found many documents that my sister drafted saying that money she received for a down payment on her first house, fixing the roof, $15,000 dollars of fencing on her ranch, etc. were gifts, not loans.

I'm still very sad that my parents' biggest wish was that my sister and I get along and stay close. That didn't happen.

I've changed things up in my life. I've given equal money to both of my sons, $100,000 each for a down payment on their homes.






"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416576
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Star I never understood this stuff. We each got different things from our parents. I got an impetus to get the heck out of my house so strong that I earned a full scholarship for college. So why would I begrudge my brother when my Dad helped him financially instead? The drive I had didn't come from no where, where would I think I got it from? I'd prefer to earn what I earn when I want than wait for someone else to provide on their timeline.

And like LA says, we crave most what we are least giving. If your boy isn't getting enough emotional support from you, THE PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS. Pick up the phone and call his mother and ask for what he wants, he knows full well you would provide emotional support she he asks. If it wasn't important enough to him to pick up the phone and call you and ask for it, then how can it be so important that you should have picked up on it?

And your daughter sounds like she's projecting. She feels like a screw up and then is blaming you for her feelings, feelings you and your DH don't even have. Oy vey. How can you gently give them a reality check? She should be DARN PROUD that she got her kids out of an abusive childhood. Here in FL the state will provide the family food assistance and Medicaid and then go after the noncustodial parent to recoup the cost.

And wiser, better late than never! It was your daughter's responsibility too to make sure she had the skills she needed. And she did it! Of course you're proud of her!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: NewEveryDay] #416588
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Star,

I believe given your daughter's situation, you definitely bring them in under your roof if you can help in that way. You allow her to get her feet back under her. At the same time, you set the boundaries with her. She is to save her money. Pay a monthly bill or two when she has an established job (if she doesn't already).

Before all this happens, you make it very clear to all kids that Mom and Dad are here for support, a safety valve, but DO NOT take advantage of it. This is where enforcing your boundaries comes into play. Your roof. Your boundaries.

My sister got divorced with a child under 1. She couldn't afford everything on her own. However, she had a solid teacher's salary so she wasn't in terrible shape. ExH didn't pay true child support. He contributed cash when he could, which wasn't often.

My parents brought her in. At first, she paid for groceries. That lasted a few months. Long story short, my sister lived there for 3 years...didn't save a dime. My parents never enforced any boundaries with her. My mom still doesn't. My mom can't tell her no still to this day.

Tough love to an extent. Not wanting to live by Mom and Dad's rules as a grown woman should give her plenty of motivation to get back on her feet and on her own...and take that opportunity to love on those grandbabies!

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: Oblivious2678] #416590
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I agree with Obliv. Remember, the only lock on any doors inside Mom and Dad's house should be on the door into Mom and Dad's bedroom. Every other room in the house should not be lockable. It is Mom and Dad's house. Mom and Dad can barge into any room any time. You want to be able to lock Mom and Dad out of your bedroom? Figure out a way to pay your own rent / mortgage.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416592
12/01/16 03:10 PM
12/01/16 03:10 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
wiser,

My daughter has three very small children and left an abusive marriage with nothing. She has multiple health problems and no insurance. He doesn't pay any child support. It would be a little easier to just cut her off and let her fight back to normalcy if not for the kids. It was either help her, let her move in with us, or let her and the kids go to a shelter. We could afford to help her--so I would hate to take funding away from someone who has nobody. As a parent--you're torn between helping, but not helping so much that it hurts them.


Star to me I don't know how any grandparent could not help their child with young children. It would be a lack of natural affection to cut her off.

Now the level of help is more difficult to determine......I mean...in your situation do you and you husband have an agreement with her on timeline for being self sufficient and is she honestly working toward it? Or is she taking advantage of you guys.

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: holdingontoit] #416593
12/01/16 03:13 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Have you guys looked at the price of daycare recently? Mothers all over this country are finding out that after childcare costs, working doesn't pay--and the more they work, the less they qualify for assistance. The price of daycare is exceeding college in some areas. We can talk all day about how people who can't afford to support their children shouldn't have them (I hear ya)--but that won't be much help. My daughter wants to work--but unless I'm willing to to be a full time daycare provider--at this point she can't afford it. I wouldn't mind doing it for a little while, but it's not a permanent solution.

Quote:


*Daycare now costs more than 4 years of in-state college tuition in 31 states and the District of Columbia.

*In 28 states, the yearly cost of child care for two children is more than the annual minimum wage; which means a single mother of two, working a minimum wage job, is forced out of her job, to live on welfare.

*The cost of child care fees for two children exceeded housing costs for homeowners with a mortgage in 19 states and the District of Columbia. Center-based child care fees for an infant exceeded the annual median rent payments in 21 states and the District of Columbia.

*The cost of full-time, center-based care for two children is the highest single household expense in the Northeast, Midwest and South. In the West, the cost of child care for two children is surpassed only by the cost of housing in the average family budget.


Infomation from: National Association of Childcare


What we're trying to do is help her get her real estate license, and in the meantime she makes some money doing various odd jobs she can do at home--transcription, tailoring, chidcare for other people.

She did move in with us in the beginning--but the school district here is terrible and her oldest child was ready to start school. We decided to purchase a small investment property in a good school district and let her live there until she got on her feet. Luckily we could do that--because most women in this situation don't have that kind of help.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: star*fish] #416594
12/01/16 03:24 PM
12/01/16 03:24 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
Have you guys looked at the price of daycare recently? Mothers all over this country are finding out that after childcare costs, working doesn't pay--and the more they work, the less they qualify for assistance. The price of daycare is exceeding college in some areas. We can talk all day about how people who can't afford to support their children shouldn't have them (I hear ya)--but that won't be much help. My daughter wants to work--but unless I'm willing to to be a full time daycare provider--at this point she can't afford it. I wouldn't mind doing it for a little while, but it's not a permanent solution.

Quote:


*Daycare now costs more than 4 years of in-state college tuition in 31 states and the District of Columbia.

*In 28 states, the yearly cost of child care for two children is more than the annual minimum wage; which means a single mother of two, working a minimum wage job, is forced out of her job, to live on welfare.

*The cost of child care fees for two children exceeded housing costs for homeowners with a mortgage in 19 states and the District of Columbia. Center-based child care fees for an infant exceeded the annual median rent payments in 21 states and the District of Columbia.

*The cost of full-time, center-based care for two children is the highest single household expense in the Northeast, Midwest and South. In the West, the cost of child care for two children is surpassed only by the cost of housing in the average family budget.


Infomation from: National Association of Childcare


What we're trying to do is help her get her real estate license, and in the meantime she makes some money doing various odd jobs she can do at home--transcription, tailoring, chidcare for other people.

She did move in with us in the beginning--but the school district here is terrible and her oldest child was ready to start school. We decided to purchase a small investment property in a good school district and let her live there until she got on her feet. Luckily we could do that--because most women in this situation don't have that kind of help.



Yes child care is outrageous. So how long until her youngest goes to school?

I think that is a good plan. I had my license since before ds was born but had never used it. When I got divorcd my plan was to start working at building up a business with it......I did my CE and got hired.....showed a few houses....I hoped that by the time my 3 years of alimony ran out I could support ds and myself ok and continue to homeschool. And by then he would have been 13. Right away it was stressful. I had not left ds alone for more than a few minutes so the first time I showed a house I was gone two hours and ds got nervous. I know we could have worked through it but it is hard.

You said she has t completed her course though. What is the hold up?

Re: When One Adult Child Needs More Help Than Another - Huff Post [Re: SmilingWife] #416596
12/01/16 05:20 PM
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star*fish Offline
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She has not completed the course yet--but it shouldn't be much longer. She also just remarried a few weeks ago, but even with her new H working two jobs--it's still going to be a struggle. We've talked to them already about paying rent to cover taxes and maintenance--we aren't interested in making money, but it's an important step to take towards independence.

I'm actually not at odds with how, and how much, we've helped my daughter. The challenge for me is to prevent my son from being resentful about the fact that because he hasn't needed as much help, the finances have been lopsided. I don't want him to feel forgotten. I love the fact that he hasn't needed our help--that's one of parenting's finest rewards. It's interesting that they both believe the other sibling got "more" of something, though.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
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