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Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: TACticGAL] #4077
09/16/10 03:52 PM
09/16/10 03:52 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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So our car insurance is set to cancel today unless I/we come up with the remaining $$$ for the year.

I've been waiting for him to collect $$$ owed him for helping out on a painting/carpentry project. Some of the $$$ are outstanding from May.

It's worth about $2K

But..says he: "X is my friend and I understand money is tight for them right now. He's good for the money."

So today I told him unless we have XYZ dollars, we will be uninsured tomorrow.

That turned into a litany of "how do things get like this. I don't understand what's happened. Everywhere I turn, the answer is no. I'll never work in the job that I want again. My heart is in pieces. I've lost you. I've lost all my friends. I've lost everything. I dragged you out of Seattle. It's my fault we lost the house. You live in this house you hate with the kitchen you hate and even though you don't say anything you make it clear. I don't know what else to do. My heart is broken."

Rinse and repeat.

It was all about him.

At one point he said, "I could shower you with diamonds, roses, chocolates, get down on my hands and knees and it wouldn't make a difference."

And I said "I don't want diamonds and roses etc. I want a partner in life with whom I can share deep intimate, emotional feelings. Someone who has my back...emotionally, financially..with the family. Someone who respects me. Someone who listens to me."

He interrupted this with "I listen to you. YOu don't realize that I listen and hear everything you say. But you stopped listening to me a long time ago."

And back into the litany...see above paragraph.

At that point, I just stopped saying anything. Sat here and listened. When he was done, I said "we need to figure out the car insurance today."

Oops. That got him royally ticked off. Said I wasn't listening to him again.

At one point he also threw in there that I will never let him live down the A..he will continue to pay for it over and over...so why bother trying? Or something like that.

Last edited by OurHouse; 09/16/10 03:54 PM. Reason: add stuff
Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: TACticGAL] #4079
09/16/10 04:02 PM
09/16/10 04:02 PM
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Medc Offline
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Originally Posted by theantichick
You're right, Medc. We overfunctioning women have problems disengaging when someone's dependent on us.


It has nothing to do with gender.

I'm not sure what you could possibly mean by "overfunctioning." All I see in this situation is dysfunction on both sides of the equation.



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: Medc] #4084
09/16/10 04:11 PM
09/16/10 04:11 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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Thanks for the labels MEDC.

I really am not looking for any more of those. I get enough slapped on my by myself and my spouse.

I am not looking for "you should do that, you should do this". I know what I shoulda, coulda, woulda. Don't need to hear more shoulda/coulda/woulda from outside forces.

I should (there's that word again!) probably move this to a blog because that's what it is. I am just putting this out there, more for my own benefit. The last 3-4 postings I've made...if I haven't made it clear, I am really more journaling than anything else.

Probably would be clearer if I put it in a blog.

I'll go create one and move them.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: OurHouse] #4088
09/16/10 04:19 PM
09/16/10 04:19 PM
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What would be the labels? I feel your actions AND those of your husband are dysfunctional. Is there a label in that honest assessment?

A blog might be a better idea. It appears as though you are only looking to post gripes about your husband. THAT I can understand. I was under the impression that this site is here to offer help towards recovery...marital or personal.

If you would prefer that I just parrot your concerns back to you...and say, yes, I understand, he is a cad...please make that clear. From this vantage point, you both have a lot of work to do before you have earned the right to break up the home of your children. If you no longer want my advice or observations, please say so. I am taking time out of my day in order to help you see things that you may not want to...or are unable to see.



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: Medc] #4092
09/16/10 04:31 PM
09/16/10 04:31 PM
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OH, I so get it. I was at therapy yesterday, talking about our debt, and she was telling me I was going to have to make the hard decisions and invite DH to participate and, whether he does or not, go ahead and make the changes. Because he flatly refuses to talk to me about money, because he knows he's screwed us over. And it just made me cry when she said that, because I don't WANT to have to be the one doing all this. I WANT a DH who will do the hard work, not hide from it. I want a DH who protects his family. Granted, he's working, in a job he hates, so I shouldn't complain. I guess I just grieve for the relationship I want. Like you.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: catperson] #4099
09/16/10 04:49 PM
09/16/10 04:49 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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***EDIT****

See blog!

Last edited by OurHouse; 09/16/10 04:54 PM.
Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: OurHouse] #4102
09/16/10 04:53 PM
09/16/10 04:53 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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I'm starting a blog and moving all my comments over there. I just wanted everyone to know up top here so they wouldn't feel I just X'd out my comments, took my marbles and went home.

ETA: I can't cut my earlier posts, because the time has expired (mods feel free...I moved them all over to my blog). But anything I can cut, I will, to encourage readership over there, rather than here.

smile

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: Medc] #4174
09/16/10 06:37 PM
09/16/10 06:37 PM
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MyRevelation Offline
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Originally Posted by Medc
What would be the labels? I feel your actions AND those of your husband are dysfunctional. Is there a label in that honest assessment?

A blog might be a better idea. It appears as though you are only looking to post gripes about your husband. THAT I can understand. I was under the impression that this site is here to offer help towards recovery...marital or personal.

If you would prefer that I just parrot your concerns back to you...and say, yes, I understand, he is a cad...please make that clear. From this vantage point, you both have a lot of work to do before you have earned the right to break up the home of your children. If you no longer want my advice or observations, please say so. I am taking time out of my day in order to help you see things that you may not want to...or are unable to see.


OH,

MEDC asked me to check in on this thread to see if I could offer some perspective ... although I'm not sure why, since I mainly confine my postings to BH/WW scenarios.

I've read most of this thread and some of your blog and I suppose I see things basically as MEDC does also. Please understand that my approach is often blunt ... not to be cruel ... its just the way I write and speak in person. I deal primarily in problem/conflict resolution and have found that being politically correct is often misinterpreted, so I am forced to speak and write plainly to avoid confusion.

Honestly, I have no idea why you remain married ... neither of you appear happy or fulfilled ... unless it is to continue punishing you BOTH for your equally bad choices. MEDC is much more child oriented than I, and he sees value in keeping a stable home for the children ... whereas I lean more towards it being better on the children to have two relatively sane and seperate parents, than existing in the middle of a toxic union.

I have known women, and a couple of men, who just seem to crave negativity ... so attracted to misery, that if it is absent, they CREATE it. I get the impression that you are like a cat ... just waiting for your H to say or do anything you can pounce on and twist into DRAMA ... and in turn, he just wants to retreat into a shell of isolationism. Then you get the opportunity to commiserate with other like minded women and feed off of each other. Its a vicious circle of attack and retreat and rehash, then rinse and repeat.

So while I may have made some observations ... I don't have any answers ... as you seem to be exactly where you want to be or you would change and if this has been going on in one form or another for 22 years ... I don't see much hope for "change". You are simply living your life as you CHOOSE to live it.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: OurHouse] #4755
09/19/10 04:07 AM
09/19/10 04:07 AM

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Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: ] #4806
09/19/10 02:55 PM
09/19/10 02:55 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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The name of this site is Marriage Advocacy. I can still advocate for marriage while deciding to end my own. I am obviously on the fence, or I would have cut bait a long time ago.

1. He had an emotional affair 5 years ago.

2. Yes, he says he loves me. I'm the one unable to return that statement at the moment.

3. Part of this is the job thing. It's ongoing, stressful and way more complicated than just the fact that he has no job.

Re: How to deconstruct a marriage. [Re: OurHouse] #5123
09/21/10 02:27 AM
09/21/10 02:27 AM
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Ace Offline
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Hey OH,

Your struggle as to whether to save your M or not is the same that most BS's have to endure...you've had to endure a bit longer than most but it's helpful to see your perspective.

I think it's very wise to contemplate HOW you would proceed if/when you decide NOT to save your M. IMVHO all BS's would benefit from getting help with all aspects of Plan D before they pull the plug.

Like I promised, I am working on getting my similar story over to my blog soon. Sorry for the delay.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

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