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Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407894
04/12/16 03:22 AM
04/12/16 03:22 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Believer hon that is so sad about that girl! How could her sister have married him! Talk about cognitive dissonance!

I called my one brother and asked him what does he think about asking his Dad to give him the gun to hold for him, and he's going to think about it. He was very upset his dad brought it in the house with his babies without telling him, and stopped dropping the babies off there. I didn't say a word to my mom about it because like you said it would just get back to him and upset him more. I understand why she's upset and angry but agitating him in front of the babies just puts all of them at more risk. I am praying that the situation will resolve peacefully for them.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407902
04/12/16 12:36 PM
04/12/16 12:36 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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So bf was serious, he is reevaluating whether he wants to be in this relationship. He canceled dinner plans tonight. We talked the other night, and he said he was so tired of this, that this was what broke up his marriage and other relationships, when folks are so involved in their family that he comes last. I said there is a reason he picks women like this, and he said that's what he needs to stop. I think we can totally work through this, but just because we can doesn't mean we have to. I never did give DD enough time after L before I started dating. I won't fight this.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407903
04/12/16 01:07 PM
04/12/16 01:07 PM
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Miranda Offline
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I'm sorry NED. But I understand both of your points in this regard. Best not to fight it. You're right about that.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #407905
04/12/16 01:54 PM
04/12/16 01:54 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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I'm sorry, too, Ned. Not surprised that he finally drew a line in the sand, but sorry.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: CajunRose] #407910
04/12/16 03:47 PM
04/12/16 03:47 PM
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wiser_now Offline
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I'm sorry too, NED.

hug

I'm worried about you... and your daughter. Your family... the step-dad with the loaded gun, in particular... is scary.

Your "normal" may tell you not to be afraid, but mine says:

DANGER

Please get this book, even just from the library.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

There has been too much violence in your life, dearheart... too much... please remove yourself from it. I love you.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: wiser_now] #407916
04/12/16 05:12 PM
04/12/16 05:12 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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It did scare me. DD was at her dad's and I didn't want to be alone, so I went to bf's mom's house to sleep on her couch because no one knows where they live. But obviously that's not a long term plan, so I thought through what I can do going forward, and it was to step back and arm the alarm, because we had stopped using it. I will get that book today.

I emailed my bf that I need to take a break for 2 weeks. Like cat said, I need to focus on my stuff and give him space to focus on his. I understand that's a lot to think through is this the package deal he wants.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407928
04/12/16 10:50 PM
04/12/16 10:50 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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I'm confused about bf's insistence on a restraining order before setting a boundary without the court's involvement.

It seems to me that staying away from any person, place, or event unless you are 100% positive that the gun won't be involved in some way would keep you and DD safe from the gun. To anyone who wants to know why you won't be in attendance, you could say something like.... I'm not comfortable with the possibility of being around the gun. If it's that important to them that you attend, they will take steps to ensure that you are 100% comfortable that the gun won't be around.

If it's that important to them.

I set a similar boundary around events where a couple people with a history of csa would be attending. All of a sudden it wasn't so important to anyone for me to attend when my attendance required that my children be 100% safe. For one thing, that would have required dealing openly with the issue.... something that they weren't willing to do. And I wasn't willing to take the risk and just hope for the best. I have no regrets.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: LivingWell] #407930
04/12/16 11:22 PM
04/12/16 11:22 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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He apologized and said he's no longer thinking about breaking up over this, it was just a lot of stress and he doesn't have any answers for this. But this is the second time he's said this and I need some time to think. This is something I need to fix on my own. And DD doesn't like this counselor and isn't taking her meds at her dad's house. I can't take any more stress. I would love to just take off work a week and take YD up to visit OD for a week and reset. But she has EOC exams in 2 weeks so it's just going to get worse. I'm ashamed I can't take the pressure and I only have one kid home. I was calling my mom for support but I didn't know she's suffering a DDay I need to man up and handle this without her.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407931
04/12/16 11:31 PM
04/12/16 11:31 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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And I know don't know how to say this but if I back off from my family while I am with my boyfriend they are going to assume that it's because of him and they going to hate him forever. But if I take some time off and separate from my family during that time maybe they won't combine the two.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407932
04/12/16 11:38 PM
04/12/16 11:38 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
I'm ashamed I can't take the pressure and I only have one kid home.

You have one kid at home but you have all the other people and their stuff on top of that. It was after having my first kid that it became almost impossible to do all the things that come with large dysfunctional families. At the time, I thought that it was motherhood that was the problem but it wasn't. It was all the rest. I just couldn't do all the rest any more. Thank God.

Boundaries, NED, boundaries. Boundaries can protect us from having nervous breakdowns, too.


Quote:
I was calling my mom for support but I didn't know she's suffering a DDay I need to man up and handle this without her.

I am confident that you can handle this situation, NED. But you don't have to do it alone. You can get ideas and support from others than your mom. It doesn't sound like she can/will do anything about the gun situation anyway.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407933
04/12/16 11:44 PM
04/12/16 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
And I know don't know how to say this but if I back off from my family while I am with my boyfriend they are going to assume that it's because of him and they going to hate him forever. But if I take some time off and separate from my family during that time maybe they won't combine the two.

You just might break soon if you continue to try to control how others take things or what they do in response to you taking care of your needs.

My suggestion is to do whatever you need to do for yourself now. The rest will happen as it will.... and that might not be a bad thing.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: LivingWell] #407935
04/13/16 01:03 AM
04/13/16 01:03 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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You're right, I don't have to fix this alone. DD is taking some steps. Her Dad is bringing her back from the tutor, and she met with the IC today, so that's 3 people right there who are there for her too.

And of course my family doesn't know what I do at what times. For a step that feels this big, I want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. And I'm downloading that book now wiser!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407936
04/13/16 01:19 AM
04/13/16 01:19 AM
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You need support too, NED. If BF leaves any time he wants at the drop of a hat and declares it is over a gun or your alcoholic step-dad or whatever else it is, then there is always a question looming over your head. When is he going to abandon you next?

I think BF issues are different than the extended family issues, and perhaps you need a plan for both and what you really want.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Blair] #407941
04/13/16 02:24 AM
04/13/16 02:24 AM
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Sorry I haven't chimed in, Ned, but this whole series of things is making me flip out.

I'm the queen of tolerating the stuff that comes with trying to please a dysfunctional family.

Your mother continues to live with a man who has molested her child, treats her badly, blows her money, is an alcoholic, and now a proud gun carrier. He continues to think he has the right to stay overnight in your home, even though you have children. Had things gone as they should, he would be a registered sex offender and would be barred from contact with children. The man is so entitled that he thinks he can bring a loaded gun into anyone's home without permission.

My husband's sister's husband was a pedophile who took his wife, 2 sons, and daughter to live on a ranch in Montana. They were isolated, and somehow he convinced his wife and kids that God wanted him to have sex with his daughter and the sons to have sex with their mother. How's that for crazy?

He went to prison and when he got out, the mother secretly let him move back home. Somehow, they got caught and she went to prison and lost her kids for a time. But, anyway the pervert kept showing up and was back with his wife when I married my husband. It turned out he had sex with his daughter from the time she was 11 until she was 23. It messed up the daughter's whole life and she finally died last year. She got drunk and froze to death outside in Southern California. She was an accomplished oncology nurse, but everything caught up with her.

When my sons were small, my husband pitched a fit because I would not let my boys spend time with the pervert. My husband said it would hurt his sister's feelings. I also informed my sons and my step-children that their uncle was a child molester.

My boundary was that I would protect my children, and I didn't care which enabler would be hurt or angry.

Your father was murdered by an addict with a past history. I am gobsmacked that your mother or step-father have the nerve to think that was okay in any universe.

But we already know that your step-father does whatever he wants, and your mother tolerates it.

That's where boundaries come in. You cannot rely on your mother. She is not healthy. The book BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend explains that after you have given your boundaries, if the other person doesn't respect them, then you go to Step 2, which is distancing yourself. You don't need to explain. You just stay away.

As far as your daughter, if she doesn't like her counselor, she still needs to take her meds. It should take less than a month for them to work. I would insist on her taking her meds, because the alternative is letting her veg around the house and compromise her future.

I'll rant on another time about my oldest son who still suffers from depression and anxiety and what I failed to do about it.

Vent over, and please know that I care about you.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: believer] #407945
04/13/16 12:18 PM
04/13/16 12:18 PM
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I care about you too Ned. Believer has summed it up rather well.

It really is a very big mess. No one could handle this without help. Your FOO stuff is very critical right now. You have to find a way to establish and stick to your boundaries with them..

The boyfriend is just another symptom I think. You know I have felt you jump in too quick and go too fast. Heck I think I have been very clear that I wish you would take time off of men altogether and focus on your daughter.

However, if you stay with your BF you still need some boundaries with your FOO. Who cares if they blame him! You won't be around them to hear about it.

(((((NED)))))

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #407951
04/13/16 02:24 PM
04/13/16 02:24 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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I'm reading that book wiser recommend and it's awesome. And definitely will read Boundaries again after that. Don't worry I am totally staying away from that situation between my parents and with my sister. She wanted me to pick her up from the mall by where she works and bring her to my house to print a form and drop her off back at their house. I told her if she emails me I'll print it and drop it to her by the mall but Mom already told me not to drop her there and I won't. She is annoyed but then so is everyone.

SW I don't think BF is just a symptom but a couple of weeks will help me get some detachment to help me get more clarity on that.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407952
04/13/16 02:26 PM
04/13/16 02:26 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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And while she's here I'm giving her medicine every morning. At the end of the week we'll look at how she can be accountable even at her dad's.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407979
04/14/16 01:02 AM
04/14/16 01:02 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Hi NED how goes it?

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #407980
04/14/16 01:09 AM
04/14/16 01:09 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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DD and I feeling a lot more settled, I made French bread pizza for dinner, we just need some time I think. No news is good news from my FOO. Still reading smile


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #407984
04/14/16 02:03 AM
04/14/16 02:03 AM
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Your daughter is old enough to be responsible to take her own meds. If she isn't, you may have more problems in the future. And what's up with her dad? I thought he was aware of the problem and going to pitch in.

Just a note of caution - I became aware my step-daughter was sexually active when she was only 15. A lot of people here probably won't agree with this, but I took her to the doctor to get Depo-Provera shots every 4 months because she was too ditsy to take birth control pills reliably. I really hesitated about giving a teen hormones, but thought it was better than a 15 year old becoming pregnant.

When she turned 18, she announced that her body was her own and she didn't want to take the shots any longer. Five months later, I got a notice from my insurance that certain services for her were not covered, to the tune of $2,000. When I called them to inquire, they would not tell me what the services were. I figured out very quickly that they were for an abortion. At that time, my Federal insurance would not pay for abortions.

I spoke to my step-daughter and told her that I was against abortions and she could either take reliable birth control or I would cancel her insurance. She agreed. Three months later, another denial came from my insurance for the same thing. I cancelled her insurance.

She got pregnant again and had the baby and then a seoond one. Both of those boys are being raised by their father. My step-daughter abandoned them.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: believer] #408004
04/14/16 07:50 PM
04/14/16 07:50 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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DD has been having bad reactions to it,sleeplessness and vomiting, and she missed some school including I had to take her home early today. B was insisting shenot try anything else until school is out, so I called the doctor to check, and he said it was okay she had waited this long unless her depression is bad. I don't know what else to do. She has the IC number as a backup and if she's suffering again I'll talk with her about options maybe she can speak with him.

B's sister called and said he's going out Sundays DD is there even though she asked him to wait until DD leaves. B had asked me this last Sunday if I want more time with her so that is one thing I can do. We're going to visit his sister at her beach house, we need a little break!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #408031
04/15/16 02:10 PM
04/15/16 02:10 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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You ladies have been such a blessing to me this week. That book you recommended wiser helping me get my head out of the sand I have two girls struggling with severe depression I need to be able to understand warning signs. This is not the time to cut her medicine or rely on the family doctor for psychiatric treatment. I'm on this.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #408035
04/15/16 04:11 PM
04/15/16 04:11 PM
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wiser_now Offline
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*hugs* hug


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: wiser_now] #408039
04/15/16 06:24 PM
04/15/16 06:24 PM
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Getting the right help is crucial. That means you can lessen the burden on each of you and share it with those most able to make a difference.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: CajunRose] #408070
04/16/16 06:20 PM
04/16/16 06:20 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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YD was Baker Acted last night, they think the suicidal ideation and attempt was a side effect of the new medication. OD is down here to support her too. I am hoping we can get a good plan to go home with. We got to see her today, she looks okay, but still embarrassed. I hope by the time we're done she knows she has nothing to be embarrassed about I am so proud of her for being able to speak up and get the help she needs.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
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