At work, I was asked to read The Influential Leader, by Ann Perle and Allan Halcrow. Although the book is focused on the workplace, I saw a lot of parallels to the personal processing and growth I went through during my divorce.

The authors talk about three states of being: Victim, Bravado, and Influential. According to the book, people move in and out of these states, sometimes multiple times a day/hour.

Victims hide from fear. Nothing is their fault or EVERYTHING is their fault. When you blame everything on someone/something else, you don't have to confront your fear to make changes. If you feel that everything is obviously your fault/you aren't capable, then you have an excuse not to make changes in your life. You sit and hide.

Bravados manage their fear through control. You might hoard information (not share your feelings), punish those who disagree with you/offer an alternative perspective, micromanage, etc. Bravados are often very competitive and keep score.

Influential people operate from a place not governed by fear. They look for the good of the whole - of the couple, the marriage, the family unit - rather than what is best for me.

Between Bravado and Influential is a place of openness to new ideas. One must go through this gap and learn how to act in that influential manner - to be "we" rather than "me".

The book talks about effective mindsets for change. Everything it mentions is applicable to all parts of your life and all of your relationships, be they professional or personal, parents vs spouses vs kids.

I thought the themes of this book meshed very well with Al Turtle's writings, but it's distilled into a single volume focused on the more objective (and safer) workspace.

Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.