Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 5 guests, and 82 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Help! Hubby of 26 years having affair with former co-worker32
2.I'm learning to talk18
3.Staying Together10
4.My Gratitude Journal8
5.Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP!8
6.Am I still a doormat?5
7.I was thinking...1
8.Save Marriage After Exposure1
9.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
10.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 12 1 2 9 10 11 12
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404786
02/09/16 09:53 PM
02/09/16 09:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Excellent self awareness!

Two things you can do today to start changing that dynamic?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404791
02/09/16 11:14 PM
02/09/16 11:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,002
holdingontoit Online
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Online
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,002
Oops.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: holdingontoit] #404793
02/09/16 11:42 PM
02/09/16 11:42 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Hold,

Why oops??

Penny,

I need to go back and print them and read them carefully. Some of it, I had already been working on. For example, it isn't my job to fix my husband. Even when he had a hard time around Christmas and called me panicked... I just told him to call his partner and went back to sleep. I haven't gotten in the middle of trying to fix his relationship with my middle one. I just repeat "You are not responsible for this over and over."

As far as the negative self talk... I'm noticing what events/things trigger it. I try to put on music. Yesterday I posted on a Facebook group of ladies that are working on boundaries about how the Devil was really saying some nasty things to me in my head... It helped to hear them say positive things. That is all I can think of off the top of my head. I will have to read them again more deeply and think about it...

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404827
02/10/16 06:35 PM
02/10/16 06:35 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
From the article you posted, Marta -

"A child who is never comforted when she is depressed has no model for developing a self-comforting response to her own depression."

If you like to read, you might try Frank Peretti's book, THIS PRESENT DARKNESS http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005WK6...oks&sr=1-1.

He does a great job of describing depression and discouragement as physical demons in a spiritual warfare. It really helped me short-circuit my negative self-talk, and it worked for years. When I feel discouraged, I picture the demon perched on my shoulder, and it goes away, almost like magic.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: believer] #404830
02/10/16 07:17 PM
02/10/16 07:17 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Thanks believer. I will check it out.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404832
02/10/16 07:42 PM
02/10/16 07:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Marta
Hold,

Why oops??

Penny,

I need to go back and print them and read them carefully. Some of it, I had already been working on. For example, it isn't my job to fix my husband. Even when he had a hard time around Christmas and called me panicked... I just told him to call his partner and went back to sleep. I haven't gotten in the middle of trying to fix his relationship with my middle one. I just repeat "You are not responsible for this over and over."

As far as the negative self talk... I'm noticing what events/things trigger it. I try to put on music. Yesterday I posted on a Facebook group of ladies that are working on boundaries about how the Devil was really saying some nasty things to me in my head... It helped to hear them say positive things. That is all I can think of off the top of my head. I will have to read them again more deeply and think about it...


That's a good start!

Keep in mind, your brain is less likely to hear a negative (not, un, non) than a positive.

I think an excellent practice for you would be daily affirmations. These are positive statements about what you are building in your life.

For example:
I am strong and healthy
I am intelligent and make excellent choices
I love who I am

You create these - as present tense positive statements. The most powerful tool we have for transformation are the words we tell ourselves. Change your language - change your life.

Second, a gratitude journal. Write in it and read it every morning. The large and small things you are grateful for. And - how you can find gratitude in your current marital/life situation. I'm not saying it will be easy - I am saying it will change your life.... for the better.

xo

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404835
02/10/16 08:06 PM
02/10/16 08:06 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Penny,

Smile...that is what I am having to do with my Bible study.. I am having to write down gratitudes every day. So yeah, I have a page full of things I am grateful for in my marriage.

We also have a vision statement. In the new woman of strength and dignity class, I wrote this statement and am supposed to read it many times throughout the day...

I AM A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND DIGNITY WHO OPERATES FROM A PLACE OF GOD-GIVEN STRENGTH, NOT FEAR. I GENTLY TELL THE TRUTH AND ASK FOR WHAT I NEED. I GIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS GRACE IF THEY HAVE A POOR REACTION TO THOSE TRUTHS/NEEDS. I ADDRESS PROBLEMS WHEN THEY ARE SMALL AND WORK KINDLY AND GENTLY WITH OTHERS TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS. I EMPATHIZE WITH THOSE THAT ARE STRUGGLING BUT AM ABLE TO MAINTAIN MY JOY IN THE LORD. I RELEASE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS OR MAKE THEM HAPPY. I LOOK ON MY WEAKNESSES AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO DISPLAY GOD’S STRENGTH AND GRACE.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404845
02/10/16 11:57 PM
02/10/16 11:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Hi Everyone.

A couple of announcements before we get rollicking this evening.

If you have not seen it, my new article for Marriage Advocates is available here:

For Better or Worse

I just finished setting up my Twitter account (I know, I know .... welcome to the 21st century) you can follow me @PennyTupy

And, finally, I will be on vacation Wed 2/24. I'm not sure about Wed 3/2 - we haven't finalized when we're coming back. As soon as I know I will post it. While I'm gone you are welcome to continue to post questions. The board will keep an eye on things so try to stay out of trouble wink

xo

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404847
02/11/16 12:08 AM
02/11/16 12:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Marta
Penny,

Smile...that is what I am having to do with my Bible study.. I am having to write down gratitudes every day. So yeah, I have a page full of things I am grateful for in my marriage.

We also have a vision statement. In the new woman of strength and dignity class, I wrote this statement and am supposed to read it many times throughout the day...

I AM A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND DIGNITY WHO OPERATES FROM A PLACE OF GOD-GIVEN STRENGTH, NOT FEAR. I GENTLY TELL THE TRUTH AND ASK FOR WHAT I NEED. I GIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS GRACE IF THEY HAVE A POOR REACTION TO THOSE TRUTHS/NEEDS. I ADDRESS PROBLEMS WHEN THEY ARE SMALL AND WORK KINDLY AND GENTLY WITH OTHERS TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS. I EMPATHIZE WITH THOSE THAT ARE STRUGGLING BUT AM ABLE TO MAINTAIN MY JOY IN THE LORD. I RELEASE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS OR MAKE THEM HAPPY. I LOOK ON MY WEAKNESSES AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO DISPLAY GOD’S STRENGTH AND GRACE.



Sweet! Sweet! Sweet!!

Are you including marital challenges as things you are also grateful for? I do health and wellness coaching as well and one of the things I have people will illnesses do is keep a gratitude journal that is specifically targeted to what, about their illness they are grateful for. No one likes it - to begin with but it is a powerful way to claim your own power and to change your perspective.

Do you also have affirmations about things that you specifically want to improve for yourself? So, for me, I have one that says, "Choosing healthy fruits and vegetables makes me happy." Some days, I'm not really sure I believe it and that's ok. Affirmations are for things we're creating in our lives - so they should be a little hard to believe.

Would it be ok if I made two suggestions on your lovely piece above?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404853
02/11/16 12:46 AM
02/11/16 12:46 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Yes, I would love suggestions!

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404854
02/11/16 12:47 AM
02/11/16 12:47 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
I was reading an article yesterday that suggests social media and smart phone use is a greater cause of divorce than infidelity.

Quote:
elity, according to figures published by Accord, the Catholic Church’s marriage advisory service.

Between 2011 and 2015, phone use or texting rose from 16 per cent to 21 per cent as a highly relevant cause of problems in relationships.

Over the same period, infidelity as a cause of problems rose from 18 per cent to 20 per cent.

However, the greatest (at 58 per cent) cause of problems in relationships in 2015, as consistent with previous years, was “not listening to or ignoring” a partner, and “anxiety/stress”.


http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-af...elity-1.2528589

I have to ask, how much of that smart phone/social media use is part of an affair in progress?

So. What do you think?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404855
02/11/16 12:49 AM
02/11/16 12:49 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
I love your article, BTW...

Had a break in between children's choir and adult choir since I'm not on praise team this week. I have to leave in 10 minutes. Hubby is on call, so when I get home at 9, I may have a chance to get back on before you sign off... If he is home, I will visit with him and just check in the morning.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404856
02/11/16 12:54 AM
02/11/16 12:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin


Originally Posted By: Marta


I AM A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND DIGNITY WHO OPERATES FROM A PLACE OF GOD-GIVEN STRENGTH, NOT FEAR.

I GENTLY TELL THE TRUTH AND ASK FOR WHAT I NEED.

I GIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS GRACE IF THEY HAVE A POOR REACTION TO THOSE TRUTHS/NEEDS.

I ADDRESS PROBLEMS WHEN THEY ARE SMALL AND WORK KINDLY AND GENTLY WITH OTHERS TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS.

I EMPATHIZE WITH THOSE THAT ARE STRUGGLING BUT and AM ABLE TO MAINTAIN MY JOY IN THE LORD.

I RELEASE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS OR MAKE THEM HAPPY.

I LOOK ON MY WEAKNESSES AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO DISPLAY GOD’S STRENGTH AND GRACE.



You operate from a place of strength! Keep fear out of the equation and out of your consciousness. Don't give it a place here.

You give yourself and others grace. Period. No need to qualify it.

You empathize with those who are struggling. AND.... when you say "but" you invalidate what came before. Honor it by saying "and". (I work hard to do this at every opportunity. Sometimes I literally have to force the words out of my mouth!)


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404857
02/11/16 12:55 AM
02/11/16 12:55 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Originally Posted By: Penny_Tupy
I was reading an article yesterday that suggests social media and smart phone use is a greater cause of divorce than infidelity.

Quote:
elity, according to figures published by Accord, the Catholic Church’s marriage advisory service.

Between 2011 and 2015, phone use or texting rose from 16 per cent to 21 per cent as a highly relevant cause of problems in relationships.

Over the same period, infidelity as a cause of problems rose from 18 per cent to 20 per cent.

However, the greatest (at 58 per cent) cause of problems in relationships in 2015, as consistent with previous years, was “not listening to or ignoring” a partner, and “anxiety/stress”.


http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-af...elity-1.2528589

I have to ask, how much of that smart phone/social media use is part of an affair in progress?

So. What do you think?

P





I do not about affair stuff, but it definitely effects communication. For example, when my husband first started his practice, he had a pager. So if he was on call, he had the pager with him. So we would find a phone for him to call in. Now, his partners get him to ask questions 24/7. They can send him an x-ray to look at...ask to change the schedule, do a patient, etc.. Before, when we had no pager we just had us..no one could find us. Now, I often feel like I compete with the phone. I'm not glued to my phone at all. I often leave it somewhere and have to figure out where to find it. I do not do any electronics when I am with him and try to give him my full attention.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404858
02/11/16 12:57 AM
02/11/16 12:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Marta
I love your article, BTW...

Had a break in between children's choir and adult choir since I'm not on praise team this week. I have to leave in 10 minutes. Hubby is on call, so when I get home at 9, I may have a chance to get back on before you sign off... If he is home, I will visit with him and just check in the morning.


Thank you!

I'll watch for you tomorrow. Even if I only have time to see the posts in my email I'll know to check in smile


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404859
02/11/16 12:58 AM
02/11/16 12:58 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Originally Posted By: Penny_Tupy


Originally Posted By: Marta


I AM A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND DIGNITY WHO OPERATES FROM A PLACE OF GOD-GIVEN STRENGTH, NOT FEAR.

I GENTLY TELL THE TRUTH AND ASK FOR WHAT I NEED.

I GIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS GRACE IF THEY HAVE A POOR REACTION TO THOSE TRUTHS/NEEDS.

I ADDRESS PROBLEMS WHEN THEY ARE SMALL AND WORK KINDLY AND GENTLY WITH OTHERS TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS.

I EMPATHIZE WITH THOSE THAT ARE STRUGGLING BUT and AM ABLE TO MAINTAIN MY JOY IN THE LORD.

I RELEASE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS OR MAKE THEM HAPPY.

I LOOK ON MY WEAKNESSES AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO DISPLAY GOD’S STRENGTH AND GRACE.



You operate from a place of strength! Keep fear out of the equation and out of your consciousness. Don't give it a place here.

You give yourself and others grace. Period. No need to qualify it.

You empathize with those who are struggling. AND.... when you say "but" you invalidate what came before. Honor it by saying "and". (I work hard to do this at every opportunity. Sometimes I literally have to force the words out of my mouth!)


I see and agree with every one of them but the poor reaction... That is my problem. If I even think he will frown, look disappointed or have any bad reaction to what I say or think, I will not say it. So I need something in there about saying truth without caring... not sure if that is what I mean about their reaction. Does that make sense. So much of what I do or say is for people's reactions...so instinctual that I don't even realize I'm doing it. I forget what I think and just morph into the other person. Hard to explain, but it is like I don't even think what I used to think... Not sure if that even makes sense.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404861
02/11/16 01:06 AM
02/11/16 01:06 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Yep. I understand.

Lesseee.....what if we broke it up a little so the grace and compassion part are not qualified?

I honor and value myself and my needs regardless of the reactions of others.

I offer grace and compassion to myself and others.

Or, I honor myself by offering grace and compassion to others.

Or, I honor myself by living compassionately in grace.

??


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #404862
02/11/16 01:16 AM
02/11/16 01:16 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Marta


I do not about affair stuff, but it definitely effects communication. For example, when my husband first started his practice, he had a pager. So if he was on call, he had the pager with him. So we would find a phone for him to call in. Now, his partners get him to ask questions 24/7. They can send him an x-ray to look at...ask to change the schedule, do a patient, etc.. Before, when we had no pager we just had us..no one could find us. Now, I often feel like I compete with the phone. I'm not glued to my phone at all. I often leave it somewhere and have to figure out where to find it. I do not do any electronics when I am with him and try to give him my full attention.


B and I are both technophiles so is an issue with us. We are both guilty of sitting together at the table completely engrossed in our phones/tablets/laptops. We have an agreement that when we're together we put the electronics away - but it doesn't always happen that way.

I can see it being an issue that causes a lot of conflict. And, I've been the betrayed partner in my past marriage and I can say no irritation about too much fb on the phone even comes close. Another woman on fb on the phone? That would be a deal breaker.


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #404878
02/11/16 01:16 PM
02/11/16 01:16 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
Member
Marta  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Hi Penny,

Oh, yeah that would be a deal breaker for me as well. My husband doesn't do Facebook. I only started FB a year ago, really for our mission work. Many of our newer participants communicate this way. The only people I follow are our youth minister and pastor's wife. My other 200 "friends" I only check if I am stuck somewhere with nothing else to do...so maybe every couple of weeks or so.. ( Or if my mother in law asks me if I saw what she posted. Smile.)

For my husband it is communication with his PA or partners ( all male) or mission work stuff. The only web stuff he does is reading RV websites or his latest obsession Hickok45 videos as he demonstrates his latest gun ( He is responsible for his last several purchases.)

Thanks again for the insight. Have a good week.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Marta] #405297
02/18/16 12:17 AM
02/18/16 12:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Hello and happy Wednesday everyone.

Tonight I'd like to talk about affair risks. What are some of the situations and behaviors that put us on the slippery slope?

Looking forward to your input. And, as always, any questions or thoughts on any topic are welcome!

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #405298
02/18/16 12:55 AM
02/18/16 12:55 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
So, what are risk factors? I think at a very basic level we could talk about situations and behaviors that put us at risk. And, possibly, what happens when the two collide.

Risky situations are, most typically, times when we are experiencing greater than normal stress and our emotional connection to our spouse is lessened. These could be good times as well as more difficult.

An exciting new job is a wonderful life event - and it comes with new stress. Ditto with a baby. Or building/moving into a new house. I'm sure you can think of many more.

When our ordinary routine is disrupted sometimes one of the first things to go is our one on one quality time with our spouse. It's so easy, when things are good and we're feeling connected / working as a team to take it for granted and let it slide while we sort out our new routines. And, really, there's nothing wrong with that .... as long as we have a firm timeline for re-establishing our couple time AND for avoiding risky behaviors at the same time.

Other risky situations are the more difficult times every marriage comes up against. Aging and ailing parents, job loss, financial difficulties, kids in trouble, illness of one of the spouses, and so on. Sometimes these situations disrupt our couple time routines and we feel as if we are ships passing in the night. Other times, we can be thrown together almost 24/7 and find we're too irritated and frustrated to want to spend quality time together.

It seems to me, and you may feel differently about it, it's more difficult to create a time frame for re-establishing quality couple time during the latter situations than the more positive change times of stress. And, again, as long as we can recognize that these are risky situations and not get involved in risky behaviors we're probably going to be ok.

And then, of course, there are those times when multiple stressors seem to hit all at once. We have a baby, our spouse changes jobs, and we decide to move into our dream house the week before a parent falls and breaks a hip. We've probably all been there.


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #405302
02/18/16 02:40 AM
02/18/16 02:40 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,342
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,342
Originally Posted By: Penny_Tupy
So, what are risk factors? I think at a very basic level we could talk about situations and behaviors that put us at risk. And, possibly, what happens when the two collide.



Not sure if you're still here, Penny but I wanted to say "thanks" to you for all you've contributed to MA. I'm not around much...hope to be back more soon, but I've checked in occasionally and noticed your Wed. evening sessions.

My situation is different from most in that I had what I called AEA's or "Almost Ea's" because I was vulnerable due to a disconnection nearly from day one. (Story linked to my sig line.)

I got my non-intimate jollies from other guys and told my H about it/them. He didn't care....he almost liked the fact that I was able to talk with other guys so he didn't have to invest in our R.

Eventually, he got lonely, vulnerable, met OW and, as they say, rewrote our marital history.

For me, a major risk was a willingness to remain disconnected, which lead to both of us getting emotional needs met by others.

I shared my stuff; he kept his a secret. That's why I called my scenario "almost EA's".

I know, weird, eh?

Again, thanks for being here.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #405304
02/18/16 02:53 AM
02/18/16 02:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Risky behaviors are, to some degree, going to be different for different people. Understanding your own areas of weakness is important. Or, if you like, having a clear picture of what's attractive to you so you know what to avoid.

For example, I like really smart people who are a little offbeat, funny, physically attractive. But, no matter how pretty someone is, if he doesn't engage my brain it's not going to go anywhere. So, for me, smart, attractive men, who think outside the box would be a weak point - especially under any of the situations we talked about above.


And what starts the slippery slope? Well, it's the same sorts of things we did when we were dating: conversation - especially about topics with any kind of emotional import, recreation, and shared experiences with high emotional content. We fall in love with people we feel good being around and with whom we share deeply emotional events. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me about their affair, or their spouse's affair, that began because they were talking to a friend or co-worker about an emotional life event such as a kid in trouble or a parent. And, of course, the big no no is talking about your marital issues with someone of your sexual preference.

When we understand those things we can begin to make a list or graphic of different levels of risky behaviors. In some addiction recovery communities the concept of Green, Yellow, and Red Light behaviors is used.

Green Light behaviors are always ok

Yellow Light behaviors are risky when the marriage is experiencing a stressor which creates a distance between partners

Red Light behaviors are always risky


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Ace] #405305
02/18/16 03:01 AM
02/18/16 03:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Ace
Originally Posted By: Penny_Tupy
So, what are risk factors? I think at a very basic level we could talk about situations and behaviors that put us at risk. And, possibly, what happens when the two collide.



Not sure if you're still here, Penny but I wanted to say "thanks" to you for all you've contributed to MA. I'm not around much...hope to be back more soon, but I've checked in occasionally and noticed your Wed. evening sessions.

My situation is different from most in that I had what I called AEA's or "Almost Ea's" because I was vulnerable due to a disconnection nearly from day one. (Story linked to my sig line.)

I got my non-intimate jollies from other guys and told my H about it/them. He didn't care....he almost liked the fact that I was able to talk with other guys so he didn't have to invest in our R.

Eventually, he got lonely, vulnerable, met OW and, as they say, rewrote our marital history.

For me, a major risk was a willingness to remain disconnected, which lead to both of us getting emotional needs met by others.

I shared my stuff; he kept his a secret. That's why I called my scenario "almost EA's".

I know, weird, eh?

Again, thanks for being here.

Ace


Hi Ace,

Thank you for your kind words and warm welcome smile

Interesting you should mention your AEAs; I had a friend many years ago who, I believe, did the same sort of thing. She had male friends that she kind of adopted for things like hiking or shopping or gaming etc. I don't believe there was ever anything physical or even overtly romantic (although I could be wrong, I never asked) just recreational. Her husband was also not all that available or enthusiastic about recreational needs and I don't know that he cared all that much that she had these other friendships. They are still married and it's been .... oh my .... 40 years.

So what is the status of your H's affair and your marriage now?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #405306
02/18/16 03:13 AM
02/18/16 03:13 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
My husband's affair began when he was walking our dog and saw a neighbor crying on her porch. She was distraught because the fighting was getting heavy in Iraq and her husband was deployed there.

Being the caring man that he was, he stopped to comfort her...


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Page 11 of 12 1 2 9 10 11 12

Newest Members
Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail, Marcin
2043 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Help! Hubby of 26 years having affair with former co-worker108
Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
How To Spot A Narcissist—And Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
expired security certificate1
....micro-cheating is a thing in relationships, and here are the signs it's happening1
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up8
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Community Information
2043Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8478Topics
462219Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.033s Queries: 15 (0.011s) Memory: 3.3936 MB (Peak: 3.7669 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2020-01-22 16:46:51 UTC