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Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405097
02/13/16 11:28 AM
02/13/16 11:28 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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My parents told my sister she could go stay with them yesterday, so I dropped her off with her stuff. So at least I have my own place back now.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405103
02/13/16 01:55 PM
02/13/16 01:55 PM
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Rest and get well. I'm sure this whole ordeal was a lot harder on you than being sick. And good for you having solid boundaries. Hugs to you, NED.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Blair] #405105
02/13/16 04:40 PM
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Great job NED.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #405147
02/14/16 09:21 PM
02/14/16 09:21 PM
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Thanks guys, I shouldn't have worried that my sister wouldn't leave, she hasn't stayed here past when I asked her to leave before. I was mostly feeling lousy that my stepfather had cursed at me, because I thought I had forgiven him years ago for what he did to me and my mom and our family when I was growing up, but that episode, even over the phone, took me back to being a scared teenager, afraid in my own home.

It was a signal to me to get another session with my IC, because I take reasonable steps to be safe in the present, I have an alarm system and live and work in safe neighborhoods and my friends and my kids' friends are all safe to be around.

It was a signal that it is not honest to "let sleeping dogs lie" with my mom anymore. Miranda is really brave, taking big steps to get honest in her life. I need to do that, too, with my mom, put it all on the table. There was a huge reason my parents could not stay at my house once YD got back from her vacation away with her Dad, because I can't have a child molester here with my daughter. They were mad and blamed it on my guy why they couldn't stay here, even though my mom should have full well known why.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405151
02/14/16 09:52 PM
02/14/16 09:52 PM
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Miranda Offline
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You got this Ned. Just a little bit at a time. It can't all happen overnight.

Hold on. You got this. I'm right here, watching from the wings.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405152
02/15/16 12:17 AM
02/15/16 12:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: Miranda
You got this Ned. Just a little bit at a time. It can't all happen overnight.

Hold on. You got this. I'm right here, watching from the wings.


Miranda - are you saying if NED can learn to do it, you can learn to do it? wink


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Kayla] #405153
02/15/16 01:44 AM
02/15/16 01:44 AM
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Wait. Your stepdad is a child molester?

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #405156
02/15/16 02:35 AM
02/15/16 02:35 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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He molested me and his daughter, my stepsister, when we were kids. We told my mom, and at first she believed us, and told him to stop. But when she was in the hospital after my sister was born, he molested me again, and my mom wasn't there to talk to, so I reported it to a teacher. Child services removed me from the home for a week, and when I got back, my mom and sister were home, and my stepsister was sent away to live with an aunt for "causing trouble." She told me to stop making trouble too, that she didn't believe me.

It took a lot to forgive that, and when I had my own kids, I never left them alone around my stepfather. B and I told the kids early on what happened and why they don't go to their house without us staying there with them.

But my mom has always bothered me about why they could stay with their other grandma and not her. I always made excuses, thinking she should know already. And then this summer, they came to stay at my house 5 weeks, when I was away with the kids on vacation and when the kids were away with B. And my parents painted me to my siblings as horrible for not letting them stay until they found their next place. I should have just come clean with everybody then, you all already KNOW why you can't stay here when my kids are here.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405158
02/15/16 02:51 AM
02/15/16 02:51 AM
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Miranda Offline
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Kayla

I'm saying that I'm learning. And so is Ned. We are both going to get there. I believe in us both!


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405159
02/15/16 04:15 AM
02/15/16 04:15 AM
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Kayla Offline
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Agreed! I'm sorry I tend to push a bit.

NED - one day you'll straight up tell your mom and sibs and children why without flinching or excusing. It's your mom and stepdad who bear that shame or at least should. Secrets are toxic and I'm so glad you stood your ground!


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405160
02/15/16 04:18 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear that, NED. But what you went through is quite typical, and I'll never understand it.

Kudos for protecting your daughters, because many victims of sexual predators don't.

I had a close friend when I lived in San Francisco who had been molested by her father. Her sister had, too, but they kept it a secret from their mother. They didn't want to ruin his good name. When she had her two girls, I was shocked that she left them with her parents to babysit. One night I was watching them and the grandfather picked them up and carried them to his van. It made me sick to my stomach.

The other weird thing was that my sons went to a pool party at her house. The grandfather was there, taking video of the girls in the pool. I was there and saw the videos. They were creepy.He zoomed in on their tummies or legs.

He finally died and his wife never knew anything. It turned out that both girls had been molested by him for years because their mother never protected them.

The second example is very close to my family. My ex-husband's sister was married to a man who was a pedophile. The whole thing was bizarre. For a time, they lived on a ranch in Montana, very cut off from civilization. He convinced my sister-in-law that God
wanted him to have sex with her daughter, and her sons to have sex with her. So sick.

He had sex with her daughter (my niece) from the time she was 12 until she was 22! She was very attached to her step-father. Just crazy.

He did finally get caught and went to jail for 10 years, but guess what? His wife took him back. He continued living with his wife, step-daughter, and her 4 kids.

The whole thing is mind-boggling to me. The common thread was women with very, very low self-esteem that seemed willing to sacrifice their children to hold onto a man who was a sexual predator.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: believer] #405166
02/15/16 02:29 PM
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NED,

I don't have a lot of time this morning but I do want to say good for you for protecting your children from him.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #405199
02/15/16 07:27 PM
02/15/16 07:27 PM
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Hugs, Ned. Lots and lots of hugs for you.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: CajunRose] #405217
02/16/16 01:10 AM
02/16/16 01:10 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Believer hon that is so sad! You kept an eye out for your sons, so you could remove them before something bad happened. How could this friend knowingly let her kids go off with him alone like that. It's so crazy how they have the power to make you still feel fear of going against them so many years after.

And then your niece, she has so many other choices than to raise her kids in that situation. So sad.

I did finally talk to my sister about what happened, two years ago, she was bringing a little girls she was babysitting to visit my parents, and my stepfather fawned over the little girl. I let her know what happened, and not to leave the little girl alone with him. I was so grateful my sister said he never molested her, but she agreed to stop leaving the little girl with him.

She told my brother, the brother who has the baby girl, so he knows, too. He was the one who called me the other night after he heard what happened, to check if I was okay. Two of my other brothers called this weekend, too, to say they had heard what my stepfather said, and not to feel bad. I'm not angry anymore, but I see my part, being silent too long, so I'll find a quiet time to talk with my mom, just us.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405228
02/16/16 06:08 AM
02/16/16 06:08 AM
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I don't want to discourage you from talking to your mom and not being silent anymore, Ned. But don't expect a miracle. Your mom knows at some level, but will defend your step-father.

BTDT. My sister ended up in a psychiatric ward because of repressed memories about our father.

She is two years younger than me, and at the time we spent hours on the phone talking about it. My father, who we both adored, did some things to us that were beyond the pale. They were not really sexual in the usual sense, but bizarre things caused by his OCD.
That's my take, anyway.

However, at the time, my mother talked about it with my best friend's mother who was appalled. I found out that my mother had talked from my best friend.

It was very embarrassing, but the things my father did stopped.

Thirty years later, our official family interpretation was that my father was quirky, but nothing really happened.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: believer] #405239
02/16/16 02:07 PM
02/16/16 02:07 PM
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Miranda Offline
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While Believer is right, I don't want that to stop you Ned.

It is important and powerful to speak the truth to the people who need to hear it (both others and yourself fall into this category, by the way. There is great power in hearing yourself speak the truth aloud!). I do not believe it will put you in harm's way to speak the truth here. So I think it is a GOOD idea, and one that will increase your power to do it.

So take Believer's caution to heart. Do not have expectations about the OUTCOME of your declarations. Just do it for the fact that it is the right thing, the thing that you need to do FOR YOU. Because it lines up with your values, and because the silence is no good for you. Because the silence equals shame, and the shame is not yours to bear.

I'm sending you love and strength and good wishes with this Ned. I hope you can somehow feel my support. Hugs to you.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405242
02/16/16 04:01 PM
02/16/16 04:01 PM
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Believe and Miranda are right.

You need to speak the Truth. Do your dds know?

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: SmilingWife] #405245
02/16/16 05:36 PM
02/16/16 05:36 PM
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Yes, we told them when they were young, not to scare them, so they would know why they have to stay by me when we visited with the family.

Believer, I'm sorry you and your sister had to go through that, I'm glad your mother spoke up and it stopped. Maybe she felt guilty and that's why they coddled your sister, who knows?

I know I can't have any expectations on my mom. I want to tell her why I didn't take them in longer, and how difficult this has been for me my grown-up life. That even having them here 5 weeks was hard on me. I'll go over it with my sponsor Wednesday first, and make sure I check my intent. I don't want to hurt her, just be honest going forward.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405260
02/17/16 05:32 AM
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I think it's a good idea to discuss it with your sponsor, NED.

Being honest with your mom is important, but I'm quite sure she already knows. You told her and she neglected to protect you, THE END.

I never wanted to hurt my mom, either. My sister and I never talked to my mom about what happened to us. But, my mother knew. She was the one that caught my father and then confided to her friend.

The whole mess came out when my sister had a nervous breakdown over repressed childhood memories.

I confronted both my mother and my father and was very outspoken and specific. My father apologized for anything he did wrong. My mother insisted that she and my father had a very good sex and his "habit" was because of his OCD.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: believer] #405267
02/17/16 01:33 PM
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You're right, believer, I thought it was all over, too. But one of the things my stepfather yelled at me about was that they I couldn't even let my own mother stay with me. for longer after they sold their house. I thought that on some level, she did understand. And maybe she does.

Even before his call, though, it disturbs me how she's going through another round of his drinking again. She has given up EVERYTHING for this man. Cashed in her pension to buy a down payment on a taxi that he let lapse after this uber thing this year. And he bought a Mercedes, he says for her to drive, but he takes it, and her health is so bad she does not want to drive. Sold her home her dad gave her to buy a run down tiny condo, and spent the bulk of the proceeds on staying in hotels while they found the one they could both live with. She wanted to be in a Jewish area, and he wanted to be in a Jamaican one, and they're in a Jamaican one. In a gated community, but they don't have a home phone, so all the calls to get in the gate go to his cell only. Every time I read what Miranda or LG or SW's SSs go through I get upset for my mom all over again.

He curses me to isolate her, same old patterns coming back again. I guess I want her to know that just because I couldn't take him being here for long, that doesn't mean she's not welcome.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405269
02/17/16 02:28 PM
02/17/16 02:28 PM
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Miranda Offline
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That's a super important distinction Ned.

I think it's good if she knows that. Even if she never takes you up on that, it's good if she knows it.

I know your heart must be breaking for her. I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry that my story dredges that up for you. I understand now why you get so frustrated with me. That must really hurt your heart.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405279
02/17/16 07:35 PM
02/17/16 07:35 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Oh Miranda, I know that's not healthy, to project like that, and I'm working on it, been meditating and working my program every day. I would so much like to be like the longtimers here, on auto-pilot, just needing a tune-up every now and then. My life is so much better than I had any right to expect. But I am so grateful that I do get the opportunity to keep coming back! When I do still have trouble adjusting to living life on life's terms.

I cancelled with my sponsor because I'm still sick, but I called my mom today, it felt like it was dragging on to long and I needed to get it over with. I told her that I was trying to talk with my sister about plans that didn't involve S going to stay with her. That we did find a place she could have stayed instead. That I wasn't trying to dump S on her, S chose that.

That it was not right that my stepfather said that it was awful that I couldn't let my own mother stay longer than 5 weeks. That it was not easy having him here, that I am still uncomfortable around him, after he beat her and us for so many years. That if it was her only, she could have stayed forever. But I couldn't have my kids here with a child molester, and after what he did, it wasn't right that they asked me to just have them stay at B's instead so they could stay longer.

I don't know how after all that "keep your expectations in check" somehow I still thought my mom would say something like she understood that this stuff doesn't just go away, don't worry, she knows I did what I could, and she agrees with putting the kids first.

Instead, she said it's too much for her to get into, her H is still mad with me. That I should have kept my sister here until her check came, because I know her (my moms's) health is bad. That I sound like my sister, I'm 40 and I made my choices and I have to live with them. That if I didn't want my stepfather here, I should have told her, she would have found somewhere else.

I don't like how I said what I did, I would have like to be more calm, and be more empathetic, that it must be hard on my mom everyone looking to her to support them.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405281
02/17/16 07:54 PM
02/17/16 07:54 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Ned,

You don't have to apologize! Not at all. I'm glad I know now why you struggle so much with it. I'm glad to understand you better.

As for the discussion with your mom, this is how it happens. I know, it's really hard to do these talks. They never go how you want them to go. You do the best you can with the situation at hand. The other person says things you don't expect, and things go in directions you don't plan for. The train goes off the tracks, and you're left going, "well, hell!"

Look back on what you say and what you do. Are you operating based on your values? The only things that need tweaking are where you went outside that. And remember that one of your most important values NEEDS to be that you treat YOURSELF with kindness and compassion! Know that you did the best you could in the moment. And that you will do better as you grow.

I don't think your mom is the ONLY one with everyone looking to her for support! It sure sounds like you get an awful lot of that burden heaped on you too...

Just sayin'

hug


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Miranda] #405284
02/17/16 08:30 PM
02/17/16 08:30 PM
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We've had a lot of great discussions about a lot of things, I think this is the only thing we have not gotten into, but a big one. I am glad I got it out, and hopefull it will be easier for us going forward. I think I did stick with my values, even under pressure, so that is something!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #405286
02/17/16 08:37 PM
02/17/16 08:37 PM
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Miranda Offline
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If you did that, then I'd say you did great!

I'm proud of you. You were very courageous, and you saw the thing through, even though you weren't feeling well, and even though it was very difficult. That's really fantastic.

You sound sort of deflated by it, but I think it's worth celebrating! I'm very impressed... I would encourage you to give yourself a little celebratory treat. Whatever that might entail for you. A pedicure, a massage, a scented candle, a new scarf, a frozen yogurt, whatever makes you feel a little indulged. You deserve it for your efforts!


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
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