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Want some input #380467
04/04/15 03:50 PM
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Lostlesbian Offline OP
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Hello everyone. I am not quite sure what to think/do, or even if what I am doing is the right action. I stumbled upon this forum last night.

I married my wife in June when we could in the state of Indiana. Been together at that point 4 years, was engaged for about 3. We were both nervous about getting married, her especially because her mom was divorced and had issues with being with multiple men at a time. So we got married, had bought a house in May, and then things went south. We fought alot, became more and more distant. In December she came to me and stated she wanted a divorce, was "so unhappy" and "felt so alone".
At that point we had been to a couple of couple therapy sessions, but was not consistent due to chaotic work hours.

So I pleaded for her to give therapy a shot, and she agreed, and we went to two more sessions through February. I started to notice her texting a "friend" (a female) alot, when I tried to talk to her at night and to see how we were doing. I felt her get more and more distant, and she started going "out" on the weekends alot with coworkers and this "friend". I got very suspicious and checked her phone one night to find out.... there was an affair going on. I confronted her that morning and she admitted to it, but said it was "just words" and they had not had sex. I was very angry and again wanted to go to therapy, then she dropped the bombshell "I am not in love with you anymore", but loves me.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I find out that she during those weeks they did end of having sex (one time mutual and one time one-sided), but mostly is was texting all day long. During these weeks she bounces everyday from wanting a divorce to wanting to try to work it out with me. During our talks I find out that she hasnt felt the same since her mom died about 2 years ago suddenly due to cancer (was diagnosed in May and was dead by Labor day), leaving her without any parents and she is only 26. She felt very resentful of me trying to be so controlling in the relationship and not listening to her or her feelings. She unloaded on me all the things I did not know she felt. I listened and asked questions. She still had contact with this girl, was open to me when she was hanging out with her and told me no sex was going on but "she listens to me and it feels good to have someone do that". But at the same time, while she has threatened to "move out" and move in with a coworker, has not boxed up anything of real value (just craft stuff), and holds me hand and kisses me as well. Tells me "I love you" and during the times "I am trying to work this out" she says things like "well when we get through this we will..." or "I know things are crazy but it will be ok....".

Over the last week I have changed my approach. I was pressuring and arguing everyday about her contact with this girl and i felt she was getting more distant. I went online and sought advise on how to respond. I want to save my marriage. So this week I have tried to be the wife she has told me she needed, and she had begun to respond to me. We went out to dinner last night and we were very connected. She was honest about plans to hang out with this girl last night (this girl has 2 roommates and 4 foster kids that live with this girl), and was in contact with me telling me what she was doing.

She has told me that she has had the intention of going to talk to her and "quit it", but said "its so much harder then I thought". But since my new approach to her about it, she is much more receptive to me.

I need advice if I am doing the right thing and continue to be honest about how the continued contact makes me feel, but also at the same time try to show her we can work all this out.

Also, she agreed to couples counseling and we have an appointment next week. Good idea or not?

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380468
04/04/15 03:54 PM
04/04/15 03:54 PM
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I also need to add she knows this is an affair and has expressed guilt about doing it. She told me that when this started she wanted a divorce because she was so unhappy but since I am trying to fight for the marriage it "makes me so confused". She has never blamed me for this affair.

Last edited by Lostlesbian; 04/04/15 04:01 PM.
Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380474
04/04/15 04:35 PM
04/04/15 04:35 PM
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Hi there. Thinking back, my husband and I lived together a few years before getting married. And I remember a few days after we got married, it just felt strange to me to be married. I don't know why, maybe it was the legal paper? We stayed married, he eventually went on to a very horrible affair many years into the marriage.

What you are telling me is almost by the book affair.

Yes guilt, that is a common reaction to being found out. But, guilt won't stop the affair. Also, information for you, guilt if that is the only reason she comes back is going to haunt you and make you second guess everything.

And also, on finding out, many affairs go underground and the true partner is told the affair has stopped.

1. Don't confront, don't tell about this site.

2. Do you have authorization to look at your cell phone bill are you the owner or have the log on? If so you can go and see phone activity. You can do some other things also but won't put on thread.

3. What is the bank account looking like?

4. Open a new account to move money to to protect it and pay bills from keep good records on this.

Ok, your wife, she is expecting this in a marriage, the role model for marriage is her parents marriage. She is expecting you to do this or her. Maybe she did this so she is the one who is not hurt? Maybe since her mother has had a lot of this. I don't know, but I do know what she saw on growing up is what she is expecting as that is what marriage is. So she may have a thinker that is telling her infidelity is the norm and it has to be in a marriage.

Do you have health insurance where you could talk to a counselor? Or church to talk to someone? I used our insurance and called their help line a lot, as you know 3 appts on most plans is just a total joke.

THIS IS A BIG ONE I KNOW I HAD AN ISSUE WITH DOING THIS....Do not pursue her, call, nothing. Just trust me on this I have been down this road. Also you can get some sanity a bit anyway.

This is not a done deal here, this is an affair at the beginning, ok.

Are you sleeping or eating? Get water into yourself alright.

I hope you stay here.

otter

Last edited by Otter; 04/04/15 04:40 PM.
Re: Want some input [Re: Tinker] #380475
04/04/15 04:39 PM
04/04/15 04:39 PM
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Lostlesbian Offline OP
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1) My wife doesnt know about this site. Wont tell her.
2) Yes, I check it regularly online and she knows I do.
3) I have my own account she doesnt have access to to pay bills.

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380476
04/04/15 04:40 PM
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Ok, I am sure many will be posting to your thread today. I know this is very hard, it makes you feel like you are in an alter reality.

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380477
04/04/15 04:41 PM
04/04/15 04:41 PM
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Welcome, and glad you found us.

I'm wondering why she agreed to marry you if she hasn't had the same feelings of love for two years. How does she explain that?

I feel the best tactic is usually hard line. Tell her that there is no room in the marriage for another person and if she continues seeing this girl, you will make your choice, too. It never helps to try to put up with cheating.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380478
04/04/15 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: believer
It never helps to try to put up with cheating.


^^^^^^ It becomes a pattern, it becomes the norm. And then you have yourself questioning the smoke, bells and whistles as it goes along.

Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380480
04/04/15 04:47 PM
04/04/15 04:47 PM
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I already have said this. I told her this needs to end.

She said that the "out of love" has only been recently.. like 2-3 months.

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380484
04/04/15 05:08 PM
04/04/15 05:08 PM
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LL:

Sorry you have to be here.

Look up some threads by LoyaltoaFault, there may be some help to you there.

When you stop being wishy-washy, your W will stop being so wishy-washy. But you have to be willing to do the things that terrify you.

And ending it with your W is a terrifying thing to do.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Want some input [Re: SFB] #380486
04/04/15 05:27 PM
04/04/15 05:27 PM
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Lostlesbian Offline OP
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Here is my question. If I am able to continue to give my wife what she needs at home, will that not help to curb the affair? I have read on other sites that trying to figure out why the affair happened is helpful to know how to get it stopped. Not saying this affair is my fault AT ALL. But if my wife already felt alone and unhappy (which she DID voice before this affair) then by trying to repair the marriage is helping. Not saying being a doormat or not voicing that this relationship needs to end, but also trying to help the marriage at the same time.

Also, is marriage counseling a good idea at this point?

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380487
04/04/15 05:41 PM
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What, exactly, were her complaints before the affair? You should definitely work on changing those.

However, at this point, the threat to your marriage is the affair. There is reason at all to go to counseling with her if she will not commit to no contact with her affair partner.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380489
04/04/15 05:57 PM
04/04/15 05:57 PM
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That is why I asked. The counselor we are going to specializes in infidelity.

Her complaints were how frequently we fought, feeling alone in the relationship and also that I didn't listen to her.

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380492
04/04/15 06:14 PM
04/04/15 06:14 PM
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Run this by me again. The two of you were together for four years, and she was happy. Is that correct? Then you got married, bought a house, and she was miserable within months. Is that accurate?

Exactly when did she start hanging out with her co-workers?


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380494
04/04/15 06:59 PM
04/04/15 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: believer
What, exactly, were her complaints before the affair? You should definitely work on changing those.

However, at this point, the threat to your marriage is the affair. There is reason at all to go to counseling with her if she will not commit to no contact with her affair partner.


B, did you mean there is NO reason to go to counseling if she won't stop her affair?

Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380495
04/04/15 07:03 PM
04/04/15 07:03 PM
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Lostlesbian Offline OP
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Well in a few months it will be 5 years. We have had our ups and downs. During her mom's illness a lot of family drama came up and her and I fought ALOT about it. There has been something with her family for the last 2 years going on. I think it was a slow downward spiral. She said she was "in love" when we got married, but around October/November her feelings started to "slowly go away". We were not ready as a couple to buy a house. It really started to put a major strain on our relationship that already had cracks. We discussed this the other night- the tipping point was the house. We had ALOT of issues with it- within two weeks of owning it we had sewage coming up into our drains only to find a hole in our main water pipe that needed repaired ASAP. 2,400$ later we had no emergency money. Little things we kept finding that needed fixed. We did not do ANYTHING for MONTHS but house stuff, house stuff, house stuff... Then major issues with both our cars, she had a flat tire and battery went out in one month...

I think her "misery" was a slow build up. Both of us started to take each other for granted and didn't listen to each other. We started fighting very frequently about her family, stupid crap around the house, etc...

In our frequent LONG talks recently, we both acknowledge we both failed in the relationship and led it to the point in December of the threat of divorce. She told me this relationship with this girl started out as "someone to talk to about how miserable I was in this relationship and get my feelings out" IMO, she was going to file divorce papers and was going to start out with this new girl as "friends" "maybe more" without me knowing until she was gone...but now I responded to all of this as a HUGE red flag and trying to make things different, and she is surprised and shocked.

If it was not for this affair and just the threat of divorce, us talking and getting things out in the open, we would already be in ALOT better position and already in couples counseling.

Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380496
04/04/15 07:09 PM
04/04/15 07:09 PM
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See I have read varying views about going into counseling while your spouse is still having contact with the "other".. some said its good to discuss in therapy, others said its pointless.

She knows and acknowledges she needs to give it up, even to to point today of saying "I need to develop a end date". She has slowly began to make process (at least verbally) with me about this. For weeks she would not acknowledge it was an affair, then admitted it was, and then slowly has kept saying "I know if I want to seriously work on us I will need to cut her out". I think she doesnt know if she wants to truely work on this marriage because she thinks the changes won't stick, hence why I am trying to make changes NOW AND going to counseling while also keeping on about this girl. .

Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380501
04/04/15 08:47 PM
04/04/15 08:47 PM
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Yeah, my ex-husband was very conflicted and knew he needed to develop an end date. However, the process took 3 and a half years. By that time, I was done, and I still regret sticking around as long as I did.

We went to marriage counseling for six months. It was a complete waste of money.

You can try counseling, especially if your counselor is a specialist in infidelity.

Still, I've seen the quickest turn-arounds when the BS drops the rope, sets the WS completely free to enjoy their new life. That takes the outcome out of the hands of the WS who would rather waffle around cake eating for a few years while they choose.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Want some input [Re: believer] #380505
04/04/15 10:36 PM
04/04/15 10:36 PM
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http://www.amazon.com/Private-Lies-Infid...s=frank+pittman

This is a good book.

Counseling was a complete waste of time for us when the affair was going on.

Your wife is high on the affair, everything else is going to look like it isn't as good. You have to not meet her needs.

What about work, do you both work, are you counted on more money wise? I highly suggest not moving out of the home.

You can't reconcile when a person is active in an affair, you would best spend your time looking after yourself and not having any contact with her.

Is she living at home, or has she left you? Are you in a state where you can sue the other person for alienation of affection? Only a few states have that.

If you are dark then the op is going to have to meet all of her needs. This chit chatting back and forth between you two is

1. Making her see you are fine with this going on you are talking to her

2. Making you crazy as you are hearing anything as to why this happened. This is classic, you are the one who didn't or did do this and so that is my reason for doing the affair. History will be re written.

3. Stop having contact with her, she made her decision, she needs to fully live with it in every aspect of her life now. Until you do that, you are in the picture and in the picture you are a crutch still.

What is wrong with being a crutch? You are holding her hand and talking to her as she detaches from you.

Stop it right now, she made her choice.

Last edited by Otter; 04/04/15 10:41 PM.
Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380506
04/04/15 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lostlesbian
Here is my question. If I am able to continue to give my wife what she needs at home, will that not help to curb the affair?


No, it puts you in hell, it gives her a lot of options at making herself happy at your expense financially and emotionally, slowly eating away at you.

If the op doesn't fill all the needs, there you are. Forget it, cut it off now, let the op fill all needs, the home, talking, money, everything.

Re: Want some input [Re: SFB] #380507
04/04/15 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: SFB
LL:

Sorry you have to be here.

Look up some threads by LoyaltoaFault, there may be some help to you there.

When you stop being wishy-washy, your W will stop being so wishy-washy. But you have to be willing to do the things that terrify you.

And ending it with your W is a terrifying thing to do.

SFB


AGREE, and it is terrifying and you have no other option.

You are not the one ending it with your wife, she already did starting an affair. As quickly as you can put your foot down and stay that way.

You see, you are not an option you are the other half of the marriage, she is in or out, simple as that, she doesn't get time to think about it and drag you to a counselor while she is in an affair....no no no no no

Last edited by Otter; 04/04/15 10:45 PM.
Re: Want some input [Re: Lostlesbian] #380509
04/04/15 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lostlesbian
In our frequent LONG talks recently, we both acknowledge we both failed in the relationship


Bologna, the saga of rewritten history, stay out of conversations like this, you were true, no more of that.

It is not ok she is having an affair, no more frequent long talks, no more talks at all.

Have you heard about Plan A and Plan B? I think you may be doing a strange slant on Plan A and may want to do Plan B now

Last edited by Otter; 04/04/15 10:49 PM.
Re: Want some input [Re: Tinker] #380512
04/04/15 11:42 PM
04/04/15 11:42 PM
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Hi Lost, welcome to MA.

You can try counseling but my experience was that a partner in an active affair will lie to any counselor and that money is wasted.

Trying to meet needs is good but I do believe that you must not be a doormat. If the affair does not end, she needs to move out.

Take care, this is a terrible thing to go through. I am the poster child for false recoveries and continued/repeated/escalating affairs. You can get through it and have a happy life.


Chrysalis
Re: Want some input [Re: Chrysalis] #380513
04/05/15 12:14 AM
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I think what Otter said is very poignant

"You see, you are not an option you are the other half of the marriage, she is in or out, simple as that, she doesn't get time to think about it and drag you to a counselor while she is in an affair....no no no no no"

I can tell you from my experience my WH sent me on a fool's errand by suggesting I go to therapy to work on "my things" that he felt were a concern in "our marriage". Like a supportive spouse with some insight that we all have stuff we can work on I did just that because I cared about our marriage and his concerns. Well I wasted (not really as I'm learning a lot about our marriage now and myself) 2 months working on stuff while he was having an affair. It kept me distracted and in many ways taking all the blame. Don't get me wrong therapy is great and I continue to see her because its helping me gain some clarity in regards to the dynamics in our marriage now that we've separated but do it for yourself not under the guise that you're going to address the issues in the marriage because you can't if the other party in the marriage is not actively, truthfully and wholeheartedly committed to working on it. As long as your WW is having an affair marital counseling is a waste of time and money. I think Plan B is best as others suggested at this point.

It's been a lifesaver for me for the most part when I don't blow up on my WH over something he badgers me about enough. Then I can't hold to it but for most Plan B will help you rebuild your self esteem and become more lucid about your situation and the marriage. That's important now.

Good luck and sorry you're here but you've got a wonderful group of people that can walk you through this every step of the way whatever way you end up going.

Re: Want some input [Re: whbrook] #380532
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Me again, I know after the news of this I was just half out of my mind in grief and I could not believe it and he wouldn't do that and I couldn't listen to the radio, I couldn't watch this one mop add on tv, I had to wear ear plugs in stores, I left stores with food in the basket. It was pure hell. So, I just wanted to say, at least stay hydrated, herbal tea have that a little more than coffee, eat little nibbles of sandwiches, try to sleep. And I know you are waking up crying. It is a really hard thing to deal with ok. And this doesn't mean your marriage is over, it just means this is the beginning of the affair and you are at square one.

Re: Want some input [Re: Tinker] #380536
04/05/15 02:21 PM
04/05/15 02:21 PM
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Pretty much what I am going through, not sleeping well, have lost a lot of weight. I did read everyone's posts just dont have time to reply now.

One thing I want to add, the discussion of divorce and how unhappy she was happened before she even started talking to this girl. This relationship is only about 1 month- maybe 1 month and 2 weeks old. We were very rocky grounds even before this girl. So the talks about how we have gotten to this point is not "rewritten history", it is actually true. She is not making that up.

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