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I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
#374
08/31/10 06:24 PM
08/31/10 06:24 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5 Michigan
Snowgoer
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5
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This post makes me sick just to type it. My husband and I became friends with a new neighbor. She is 23. The short story is she became "Friendly" with my husband, and I noticed it. I brought it to his attention and he laughed at me and told me she is way to young for him, and not to worry. As the weeks went on, she started to hang out at our house more and was helping me with some of my craft shows. She made several comments that she wanted to move away from the area and find a new job. My daughter is an Ass. Manager at a C-Store up north were my other home is. I was thinking I could rent out my house to her if she were to get a job there, and she would be away from this home in southern MI. She got hired, she moved into my home up North, and I thought all was well. WRONG. I found some old test messages on his phone, and called them both on the carpet at the same time. He told me she had a crush on him back in April, and he shut her down. She never said a word. I kept this in the back of my mind but let it go. 4th of July weekend I had a craft show up north and went back to my up north house with my husband. The next morning I asked this girl if she wanted to ride with me to a store about a hour away. She declined saying she had to get some sleep because she has to work all night. My husband was out mowing the yard and I made it clear to him that I was not happy about him being there with her. He told me not to worry about it, he was going to be all day mowing, so we could leave to get back down state. My gut feeling lead me to set up my video camera. I did so, and left. I came back about a hour or so later, she was leaving to go to work, he was mowing. He came in the house and said he had to run to the neighbors for a second. I started watching the tape. OH MY GOD, I am just sick. They both have lied to me, he had sex with her in my house!!!!! And both of them were heard on the tape saying bad things about me, making fun of me, and it hurts real real bad. I am not sure what I am going to do from here. I confronted him about it, blew a nut on him, called her at her job and let her have it, and left. I drove back down to our other home, by myself. He came back down the next day, and he is still here. I am a Christian woman, and I have turned this over the God. My friend told me about you guys and thought telling my story could help make right choices.
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Snowgoer]
#377
08/31/10 06:43 PM
08/31/10 06:43 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson
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Posts: 20,500
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Wow. So sorry. The first thing I would do is tell her mother and father. She is still young enough that getting yelled at by your parents is NO FUN. That might stop it.
Then, take the tape to your lawyer's for safe keeping. If you don't have one, take it to your safe deposit box. If not that, then your work, so he can't get hold of it.
Then you sit down with him and tell him you will LET him stay with you under these conditions: He writes her a No Contact letter that YOU see and send; if he refuses, he moves out. He gives you his phone and computer any time you want so you can check to see if they are in contact; if he ever refuses, he moves out. You two choose some sort of marriage counseling that he agrees to go to until you feel safe again; if he ever refuses (within reason), he moves out.
You can divorce later, but you don't have to accept him cheating while he lives in your house.
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Snowgoer]
#378
08/31/10 06:45 PM
08/31/10 06:45 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,219 Florida
Gladstone
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,219
Florida
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Snow, I am so sorry to hear this. Welcome to the website, although obviously the circumstances that brought you here are not good. Did you say this all happened over the July 4th weekend? That would make it about two months ago? What is the situation right now - he is living at home with you? Is he still, to your knowledge, carrying on with this woman? Is he apologetic at all about the situation? Does he say he wants to stay married, or has he asked for a divorce, or does he just act as though nothing happened? And what do YOU want? If you and your husband could repair the marriage and restore trust over time, would you want to stay in it? The answers to these questions will help people find the right advice for your situation. Again, I'm so sorry about what brought you here.
**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus** "There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots." Glad Tidings Gladstone's Sucess Story
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Mark1952]
#498
09/01/10 06:16 AM
09/01/10 06:16 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,010
star*fish
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Snow,
Have you confronted your husband about what you discovered? What's his reaction? I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and I can't even imagine how painful it must be. Your marriage probably can survive this, however, at this point....you're probably too hurt and confused to make a decision about that. Much of that will depend on your husband's willingness to work hard in recovery and your ability to forgive him. I'm keeping you in my prayers tonight.
"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Gladstone]
#520
09/01/10 12:25 PM
09/01/10 12:25 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5 Michigan
Snowgoer
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He is still living down state with me, He has not had contact with her much at all, except for a couple of times when he talked to her in front of me. ( Just about problems at our house she is staying in) I am not sure if he wants to stay married he has not said, but he is still here, and dose not talk about going up north. I do know that he is back smoking pot all the time, and he has some other behavior issues that bug me. Nothing real bad, its just I feel he is sneaky- even if he is not being. I guess it is because I hurt so bad and don't trust him AT ALL! What bothers me is that he don't make any attempt to get her out of my other house, she makes no attempt to get out of there, I did tell her parents, and they don't care what she does. I am trying to do all the right things, because I don't want to have anyone come down on me that I did not try. That is why I am here. I know you all have been down the road, or have good insight. I will tell you that I believe that God will handle this as well. I trust in what he says, I have to.
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: catperson]
#562
09/01/10 03:48 PM
09/01/10 03:48 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611 The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen
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Posts: 12,611
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If you own the house, get hold of your lawyer TODAY and EVICT her! I agree in principle. You need to do some research and ascertain if, and when, you can evict her. When does her lease expire? Is the house titled in your name, your husband's name, or both? If it's titled in his name or both names, and she has a valid lease, you may have to wait until the lease expires and refuse to renew it. I'd call an attorney for a consultation. The laws vary by state. Hopefully Kittycat will come out here and comment on the rental aspect, as she has a lot of experience in this area. I've requested that she come here. We will see. Have you told HIS parents what he did? His siblings? Best friend? Also a tool. I'd say we need to first start with ascertaining what he's going to do without that step being taken.
Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 09/01/10 04:01 PM.
Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit
"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Snowgoer]
#563
09/01/10 03:59 PM
09/01/10 03:59 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611 The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen
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Posts: 12,611
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He is still living down state with me, He has not had contact with her much at all, except for a couple of times when he talked to her in front of me. ( Just about problems at our house she is staying in) Time to find an intermediary for this communication. I gather you don't use a property management company. Is that something you can consider (if you can't evict her)? I am not sure if he wants to stay married he has not said, What has he said about the situation? but he is still here, and dose not talk about going up north. That's something, really. He followed you and has stayed there. I do know that he is back smoking pot all the time, and he has some other behavior issues that bug me. Can you be more precise by "all the time"? How often, what quantity, and how does it affect his behavior? Nothing real bad, its just I feel he is sneaky- even if he is not being. I guess it is because I hurt so bad and don't trust him AT ALL! Good that you don't trust him. You shouldn't. That trust has been betrayed. I'd be concerned if you said you did trust him right now. I put a post out here about trust. I'd like you to read it.  What bothers me is that he don't make any attempt to get her out of my other house, Have you mentioned this to him? When did you discover the affair, and for how long did it last? she makes no attempt to get out of there No reason why she should attempt to leave that I can see. I'm talking here about what would motivate her to do something. I am trying to do all the right things, because I don't want to have anyone come down on me that I did not try. Let's start with what you want. At this point, what would you like to see happen? I will tell you that I believe that God will handle this as well. I trust in what he says, I have to. Keep your faith and let it strengthen you while you take the actions you need to take to heal yourself and deal with your situation. I did when I went through a similar situation. It helps.
Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 09/01/10 04:00 PM.
Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit
"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Larry]
#1445
09/08/10 01:29 AM
09/08/10 01:29 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5 Michigan
Snowgoer
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Posts: 5
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Hi Larry, Sorry i have not been on here much, I have been keeping busy. My husband and I have been together for going on 19 years this Oct. When I married him, he was fun, witty, loves to hunt, snowmobile, and he was just fun to be with. We do not have kids together, but I had two girls from my 1st marrige. He helped my raise them and they loved him. All the change started to happen a few years ago, when we were living in florida while our house was being rentavated. We were there for just about two years, then came back home. I noticed a change in his ways just before we came back. Then my brother had a stroke and he went back down to florida to help my brother with his business for a little while. I was told he was seeing a girl down there, and he did ask for a divorce. He then came back home just a few days after that conversation. Then things kind of went back to normal. In 2009 he had to have a pace maker put in for a low heart rate. Days later the lead went through his heart and they had to repair it. All was well for a few weeks. Then we came down state for a visit and the lead went all the way through his heart again and he had major heart surgery. He died on the table two times. He has been strange since. Then he meant this girl in Feb of 2010. I posted what happend then.
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Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.
[Re: Not2fun]
#1464
09/08/10 03:43 AM
09/08/10 03:43 AM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381 Texas
Larry
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Posts: 5,381
Texas
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Snow:
His reaction to his thoughts of death are strange. Cheating? I guess I sorta, maybe, understand. I understand a lot of things about which I don't approve.
A diagnosis is not allowed on the Internet. There IS a law somewhere spelling that out, so I am not gonna try to stick a label on what he is doing. But I would bet there is one. So it occurs to me that you might want to find a good shrink around your town to have a one session chat with. Ask him/her what the heck is going on.
He won't be back from vacation until the 12th or I would refer you to Al Turtle up in Idaho. He is known for being able to put a tag on off the wall stuff, more so than the average LPC. In my opinion, a good tag would let you deal with hubby better.
Let me explain why I think this is so strange.
See, I am either at your husband's age or past it. And I have a bunch of friends who are in the same boat. Entropy is killing us, literally. And all of us know all about not doing anything stupid that would hasten our appearance in front of St. Peter for any number of reasons you can imagine.
So we have this old guy who is having problems with a wire that comes loose and sticks him in the heart, whereupon he then gets to have a near death experience and has barely survived at least a couple of times this happening.
And he wants to do hot bunny sex with a 22 year old?????
I mean for real, not in his imagination. (or memories)
He actually DID hot bunny sex with a 22 year old? The man is out of his cotton picking mind.
Yea, yea, I have heard all the stories about guys who want to go out because a jealous husband shot them in the act and all that garbage. I don't know one guy who says that and means it.
I have lived long enough so that what people do doesn't surprise me very much, anymore. On this one, I am blown away.
Other than eat up with the stupids, I cannot imagine what is going on with this guy. Maybe someone here has a clue, I sure don't.
Larry
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