Here is a link to the book

http://www.amazon.com/Couple-Skills-Maki...lationship+work

I actually have the older edition of the book that I found at a used bookstore here. Oh my goodness, very good. It may be that those of you in therapy may have done some of this stuff, but my therapist hasn't had me do anything as specific as this. Chapter two has expressing feelings and scripting needs. It is wonderful. It goes through what I asked you guys about ( which sorry but most of you were not helpful)how to figure out what your feelings are. Then it helps you write scripts:
Situation ( specific, objective description of facts)
Feelings ( non blaming I statements)
Request ( for behavior change)
Self- Care alternative ( how you could take care of yourself)

Here is a link to that chapter in google books
http://books.google.com/books?id=h1gTGuP...eds&f=false

It has tons of other chapters with some good skills, much more than the mirroring/validation stuff I've heard so much about. A lot of it is figuring out your own thought process. The chapter of Coping with Your Defenses looks good as well.

I really like it. Just a warning for those conservative Christians: it does have language and it has a variety of examples including same sex couples. Just FYI.