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My marriage is complicated! #34607
12/12/10 05:39 PM
12/12/10 05:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,975
star*fish Offline OP
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star*fish  Offline OP
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Second marriages have special challenges including ex-spouses and blended families. This is a discussion forum for those posters who want their new marriage to be more successful than their last. Integrating two households and children is a huge stress on marriages. Get advice from people who are finding happiness the second time around.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: star*fish] #34608
12/12/10 05:41 PM
12/12/10 05:41 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 915
K
kilted_thrower Offline
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kilted_thrower  Offline
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I'll be the first on here to say that my second marriage is much better than my first.


Some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. --K. Powers

Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it. --Prefontaine



Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: kilted_thrower] #34611
12/12/10 05:44 PM
12/12/10 05:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,975
star*fish Offline OP
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star*fish  Offline OP
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Maybe you got on the learning curve grin I'm always glad to hear when that happens!

Last edited by star*fish; 12/12/10 05:45 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: star*fish] #34638
12/12/10 06:43 PM
12/12/10 06:43 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
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Mine, too, KT...

...but...

The attendant issues can loom large for many:

Co-parenting with former spouses
Parenting step-children
Combining incomes (or not)
Relationship with the former spouses (on both sides)
Blending families
Combining or letting go of traditions from the first family
Jealousy
Resentment
Residual feelings for former spouse~ good or bad
Finding balance with children (birth and step) and the new spouse
Financial difficulties~ child support and/or alimony
Legal concerns (when to stop child support, etc.)

Lots to discuss! Very few get by without these issues...


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: star*fish] #34639
12/12/10 06:43 PM
12/12/10 06:43 PM
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kilted_thrower Offline
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
Maybe you got on the learning curve grin I'm always glad to hear when that happens!


Ohhhh...maybe. And maybe it's because I married someone I actually liked the second time around. smile

Of course I had to pay child support. No alimony thank God...I think I would've quit my job if alimony had come up. And exwife was very bitter and angry for a long time at me wanting a divorce. Exchanging of children usually turned into her releasing venom in a very very loud manner.

Last edited by kilted_thrower; 12/12/10 06:45 PM.

Some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. --K. Powers

Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it. --Prefontaine



Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: kilted_thrower] #34653
12/12/10 07:31 PM
12/12/10 07:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
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OurHouse Offline
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I'm wondering if the odds of good marriage go up if there were no children in the first marriage.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: OurHouse] #34681
12/12/10 08:45 PM
12/12/10 08:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,206
DFW, TX
TACticGAL Offline
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TACticGAL  Offline
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OH, having just ended a marriage to a large extent because of blended family issues, I can tell you that the fewer moving parts you try to combine, the better.


Let me not be so vain to think I'm the sole author of my victories and and a victim of my defeats. -- ze frank
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: OurHouse] #54493
01/19/11 10:38 PM
01/19/11 10:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
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tjack45 Offline
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I think the universal number for 2nd marriage divorce rate is 60%. I read somewhere that when the second marriage involves step children it moves up to 70%. Pretty hard stats guys..... KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY.


bomb 10-09 ilybinilwy
om 10-09 to 6-10 co-worker (soulmate)
try to work on Marriage 6-10 to 10-10
10-10 contact resumes w/ om W can't fake it anymore just not in love
D final 2-03-11
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: tjack45] #72563
02/21/11 03:35 PM
02/21/11 03:35 PM
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Posts: 26
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GingerSnap Offline
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My second marriage has been so much better than my first, even with the challenge of a blended family, including, at one point, four teenagers each 1 yr apart. Looking back now, I can say that there were two elements that kept my husband and I not only together, but sane. The first, as tjack says, KEEP YOU MARRIAGE A PRIORITY. Never lose sight of why you chose to be together in the first place. The second, was basically enforcing the Golden Rule - that every human being deserves to be treated a certain way by virtue of their being human. We would not allow disrespect of any kind to fester. That said, it is important to remember who the adults are and who the kids are - and that kids so often feel powerless and simply along for the ride. A good parent will address this and allow their kids to express anger, hurt, frustration, etc. It just needs to be done in an environment of respect. It really worked for us.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: GingerSnap] #72564
02/21/11 03:39 PM
02/21/11 03:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 26
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GingerSnap Offline
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An important p.s. to my last post. My husband and I also found it very helpful that when it came to discipline, the actual parent of the child do the disciplining. Of course, if your stepchild is left in your charge, you might have to have a hand in the disciplining, but it is much more effective coming from the parent than the step, unless the child is very young.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: GingerSnap] #77252
03/04/11 06:44 PM
03/04/11 06:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 118
TX
WalkingMan Offline
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WalkingMan  Offline
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My second is my a 'marriage' than the first. I think we both work really hard at communication. My last, we were together 10 years and the only fight we ever had was the week before she walked out. There were things I had no idea for years.

But the old finances and being the second wife definately plays into things. I really go out of my way to make sure she knows she's #1.

Last edited by WalkingMan; 03/04/11 06:45 PM.
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: WalkingMan] #98219
04/25/11 11:32 PM
04/25/11 11:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Vittoria Offline
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Vittoria  Offline
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I don't really gaze over here, I should more often.

Originally Posted By: WalkingMan
But the old finances and being the second wife definately plays into things. I really go out of my way to make sure she knows she's #1.

The bolded is mine ...... this communicates so much more than anything you could say. I loved reading this!


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: Vittoria] #98722
04/26/11 11:13 PM
04/26/11 11:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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silentlucidity  Offline
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My fiance said, jokingly, once we are married I will stop with the SF with him because that is what happens in marriage.

Visions of my former marriage flashed thru my head, each of us doing a bang up job in denying EN's, and the vicious cycle of love going down the toilet ensued.

I know how not meeting EN's can kill a marriage, cause resentments. I know what NOT to do, I know what TO DO, but when the time comes, will I do it? I have gained a great deal of knowledge in regards to how to have a great marriage, but will I use it when times get rough?

I agree with what Vittoria bolded from WalkingMan's post. I go out of my way to make sure he knows he's #1. Will I always?

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: silentlucidity] #99086
04/27/11 06:25 PM
04/27/11 06:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 118
TX
WalkingMan Offline
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WalkingMan  Offline
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TX
My mother once told me that loving someone is a daily decision.
What this means to me is that you cannot take anything for granted and work at it.

The good news is that the reward far outweighs the work. Of course you must find someone who aggrees with this.

You must make your marriage number one above all. Oh! Also make sure you laugh together!

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: WalkingMan] #99116
04/27/11 07:30 PM
04/27/11 07:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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silentlucidity  Offline
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I choose every day to be a good partner and to show love. Every day. Some days are better than others.

I agree with your mother's assessment, WalkingMan...the reward does far outweigh the work. So far, my partner agrees. He has said on a couple of occasions, however, that love shouldn't require WORK (yet he DOES the work). Perhaps his definition of work is different than mine.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: silentlucidity] #99409
04/28/11 02:59 PM
04/28/11 02:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 118
TX
WalkingMan Offline
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WalkingMan  Offline
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TX
Originally Posted By: silentlucidity
I choose every day to be a good partner and to show love. Every day. Some days are better than others.

I agree with your mother's assessment, WalkingMan...the reward does far outweigh the work. So far, my partner agrees. He has said on a couple of occasions, however, that love shouldn't require WORK (yet he DOES the work). Perhaps his definition of work is different than mine.


Ahh now there's something! Yes, point of view must be considered. Perhaps this is where another requirement comes into play...communication.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: WalkingMan] #99555
04/28/11 07:28 PM
04/28/11 07:28 PM
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Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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silentlucidity  Offline
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WalkingMan,

We have had plenty of communication around the subject. He SAYS it SHOULDN'T require work, yet when I talk about the breakdown of my marriage, not filling EN's, not being honest and open...he agrees those things are necessary, everyday in every way. He also DOES these things. For instance, when I say I want some alone time, he suggests we go for a walk, or we sit and watch a movie together, have conversation before bed, etc., and follows thru.

The word WORK seems to bother him. I've asked why. No clear answer, just that he sees that term as NEGATIVE. I used to perceive the word WORK with respect to marriage as negative, too. I no longer feel that way, mostly because I have seen what the WORK can do, and it's usually a POSITIVE outcome.

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: silentlucidity] #100016
04/29/11 03:15 PM
04/29/11 03:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 118
TX
WalkingMan Offline
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WalkingMan  Offline
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TX
silentlucidity,

Perhaps you guys can come up with a term more positive in meaning. I could be wrong, but this sounds like those little power struggles couples go through occasionally. Again, I could be wrong and I'm not diminishing your experience.

be safe

Re: My marriage is complicated! [Re: WalkingMan] #100103
04/29/11 05:28 PM
04/29/11 05:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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silentlucidity  Offline
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I don't plan on spending more time debating what the word WORK means to each of us. We've had many discussions on that subject alone, and have ferreted out that we agree on how to proceed, what our needs are, how to handle conflict, parenting our step children,and so many other subjects.

We are also a work in progress...always wink



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