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Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #341094
03/21/14 02:37 PM
03/21/14 02:37 PM
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That would be awesome if that organization could get him on disability. I thought quitting his job sounded like a great idea, but this might be even better. Would it happen fast enough so that he doesn't have to work one more day until he's transfered? Or at least until the possibility of a tumor had been ruled out or dealt with?

You are amazingly strong.


42.
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #341097
03/21/14 02:43 PM
03/21/14 02:43 PM
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I didn't think of stress disability. My stepbrother's wife worked for the phone company and - at age 27! - retired due to stress disability and has been on disability (that you and I pay for!) ever since!

If SHE can get it, surely your H can get it.

Re: Interesting update.... [Re: catperson] #341098
03/21/14 02:43 PM
03/21/14 02:43 PM
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catperson Offline
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Make those calls today!

Re: Interesting update.... [Re: catperson] #341108
03/21/14 04:10 PM
03/21/14 04:10 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Cat:

My husband's disability insurance is through his extended healthcare benefits. It's not government sponsored disability--that's why it's so difficult to get. They rarely approve it, but this will buy some time so this person can work with HR.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Jayne241] #341109
03/21/14 04:12 PM
03/21/14 04:12 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Jayne:

Quote:
Would it happen fast enough so that he doesn't have to work one more day until he's transfered? Or at least until the possibility of a tumor had been ruled out or dealt with?

You are amazingly strong.


The short term disability model works like this---he has been off work for two days. He calls in sick on Monday, sees his doctor for a regular appt on Tuesday and then he contacts his boss and asks to have the short term disability process enabled. The doctor will also fill out the necessary forms on Tuesday.

He doesn't have to go back into work, but he's effectively not working as of Thursday. He'll get his holidays paid out but if STD doesn't pay out, it'll be as if he quit his job, except that he retains his health care benefits for a while.

Thanks for the compliment on my strength. I don't feel strong. I At this point, I just want him to be healthy and being at work is just making him unhealthy and miserable. Life is way too short to deal with this crap every single day.

Last edited by *~aeri~*; 03/21/14 04:13 PM.

Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #341154
03/21/14 07:53 PM
03/21/14 07:53 PM
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Telly Offline
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(((((((Aeri))))))))


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Telly] #344606
04/19/14 03:59 AM
04/19/14 03:59 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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So here's my update: (although no one gives a crap)....

Husband has been off on disability (instead of quitting) for about a month now. He's being paid, but if the STD doesn't AGREE, payment is promptly discontinued.

I have made some big changes....sold my car, bought something more economical, made a spreadsheet of grocery items so we can shop for "deals" and stock up, I stopped using the toll lanes on the highway (a savings of 187 per month!) and I cook three meals a day, at home, using the food we buy at the grocery store--no more dinners out.

I have no issue with this. I am a naturally economical person and I consider this my personal challenge. On Monday I have a meeting with a company that want me to take them on as another side job---excellent! A couple more of these and my husband can stay home permanently.

Here's the problem---my husband has now been diagnosed with depression. He's on the maximum dosage of his meds. I feel like our relationship is in survival mode. We definitely don't argue or anything--we spend time together and have fun, but he is keeping things from me. I feel like I'm picking up the slack (I am) and he's just casually looking for other jobs and enjoying his free time at home. I don't mind that he's at home...he's just not as happy as I expected him to be consider he doesn't have to deal with the issues he has at work.

My once excellent sex life has turned into....well...I think a veiled version of mercy sex. I have no solid proof that he pretends to be interested but I sense it. I'm AFRAID of myself. I have NO connection between sex and love which leaves me vulnerable to affairs.

I know this makes me seem like the biggest beeotch in history, but I can't help it that I love my husband but I'd also love to have someone DESIRE to have sex with me. I know there are takers....I also know that I wouldn't jeopardize my marriage for that....but...I miss my husband.

Today was a holiday for us....I woke up at 9.00 am with him beside me, playing a video game on his phone. *sigh* No amount of flirty behaviour changed his desire to "have something to eat and have a shower"....

He's a great guy...he helps me clean the house...he'll do anything I ask...except if it involves intimacy. When it comes to SF, it's ALWAYS on his terms.

We saw a specialist for his low testosterone and they have now transitioned him to monthly shots. When the Dr suggested for the first couple of days he'd be aggressive, I immediately thought "GREAT..he'll be all over me"...but...it never happened.

I'm beginning to think the problem is ME. I've asked him and he says no...he praises me for being resilient and supportive but...yeah...I have a feeling that I'm not attractive to him. I know, regardless of what people may THINK, I AM attractive to other men...but I tend to attract men who like my strong personality.

I don't know...I'm just rambling now, but the whole situation sucks.

(and just to let you know, I wanted to use the "F" words a lot in this post)....



Last edited by *~aeri~*; 04/19/14 04:11 AM.

Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #344607
04/19/14 04:29 AM
04/19/14 04:29 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you

Sarah McLachlan; I love you


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #344612
04/19/14 05:20 AM
04/19/14 05:20 AM
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Jayne241 Offline
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Aeri, you have an awful lot on your shoulders. frown and we do care. Thanks for letting us know what's going on. I have no words of wisdom, but I'm here to listen, and I care, if that helps.


42.
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Jayne241] #344613
04/19/14 05:35 AM
04/19/14 05:35 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Thanks, Jayne.

I feel guilty when I feel happy despite the situation I'm in. Somtimes I listen to music on my way home from work and feel really guilty. I tell myself that someone in my situation shouldn't be HAPPY....but, I have to feel some happiness sometime or I'll end up in the same boat that he's in, right?

Thanks for caring about my feelings....I'm caught in this weird situation where I can't share my issues with anyone because I'd be breaking the confidence of my husband. (He doesn't want anyone to know that he's off work on STD).

So, what do I do? I get a little drunk, listen to music and remember all the people I was involved with back in the day.

Blah...I'm such a wreck.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #344615
04/19/14 06:20 AM
04/19/14 06:20 AM
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You don't have to feel guilty for not wallowing in misery! What good would that do anyone? I wonder if your feeling guilty for feeling happy is similar to survivor's guilt.

Appreciating and enjoying the positive things about being alive is better than dwelling on the negative. What's that story, maybe a Buddhist koan (sp?) about a monk ... Ok I googled it, here it is. (I think I first read it here on Ma, apologies to whomever posted it first.)


Buddha told a parable in sutra:

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!


42.
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Jayne241] #344623
04/19/14 11:59 AM
04/19/14 11:59 AM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
aeri...

You are not the world's biggest beoytch.

You are human

nyone who says these kinds of things wouldn't make them vulnerable is an arrogant liar

Period

You are a human who has needs

Anyone who says THAT isn't true of them is an arrogant liar

Period

People need to grow up, stop being arrogant liars, and have empathy

I love you girl

A lot

Re: Interesting update.... [Re: herfuturesbright] #344634
04/19/14 03:16 PM
04/19/14 03:16 PM
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Kittycat Offline
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TMI

Last edited by Kittycat; 04/21/14 04:06 PM.

Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Kittycat] #344643
04/19/14 07:04 PM
04/19/14 07:04 PM
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Aeri, you do not have to have the exact same mood as your husband. You do not have to be without joy just because he is.

Your life is yours, your emotions are yours, and if you want to rock out to the radio in the car and get a huge smile on your face from the endorphins of something that is just plain fun... DO IT.

From what you've told us, you have done just about everything you can for your H. It is his responsibility to "fix" himself and his attitude.

Have you told him that you feel like you are just receiving mercy sex and it hurts you to feel undesired?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Jayne241] #344644
04/19/14 07:43 PM
04/19/14 07:43 PM
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Utah
Kayla Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jayne241
Aeri, you have an awful lot on your shoulders. frown and we do care. Thanks for letting us know what's going on. I have no words of wisdom, but I'm here to listen, and I care, if that helps.


^^^me too^^^

You have been thru so much and have so much strength. Good luck with the doctors and hoping hubby will cooperate with Rx - hardest part of depression sometimes is that part.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Kayla] #344655
04/20/14 12:22 AM
04/20/14 12:22 AM
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Originally Posted By: Kayla
Originally Posted By: Jayne241
Aeri, you have an awful lot on your shoulders. frown and we do care. Thanks for letting us know what's going on. I have no words of wisdom, but I'm here to listen, and I care, if that helps.


^^^me too^^^

You have been thru so much and have so much strength. Good luck with the doctors and hoping hubby will cooperate with Rx - hardest part of depression sometimes is that part.


Me, three! hug


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Interesting update.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #344682
04/20/14 07:41 PM
04/20/14 07:41 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
So here's my update: (although no one gives a crap)....

I do. grin I've not been reading as much or as often so please send a pm to get my attention when it's important to you that a post is read in a more timely manner, k? smile


Quote:
I don't mind that he's at home...he's just not as happy as I expected him to be consider he doesn't have to deal with the issues he has at work.

I'm wondering if you have expectations that you're not consciously aware of but ones that he could be feeling pressured by. Whenever I perceived someone had an attitude of "not good enough or fast enough" it affected me. It's not a problem for me now but it used to be.


Of these two things...

Quote:
I'm AFRAID of myself. I have NO connection between sex and love which leaves me vulnerable to affairs.

... and ...

Quote:
So, what do I do? I get a little drunk, listen to music and remember all the people I was involved with back in the day.


... one is in your control and one isn't. I'm concerned about voluntarily indulging in lonely walks down memory lane because I don't see it going anywhere good or helpful for you even it never results in a sexual experience with someone.


Quote:
I don't know...I'm just rambling now, but the whole situation sucks.

Yeah, it does. And it doesn't make you anything close to being a [Bleep!], imho. But that's coming from someone whose H was dying and told him that if he didn't start putting out I would need to consider divorce before knowing whether treatment would work so what do I know? laugh

Everything that goes along with this kind of situation adds up. For me, it wasn't the huge issues like dying, etc, that took a big toll.... it was the little things that didn't happen that, yanno, with just a little bit of effort might help recharge for dealing with the things that just had to be endured by everyone for the duration.

I wasn't the biggest [Bleep!], either, but I think that I might have been in the running for top ten ever so I'll tell you if I think you're getting close. laugh It worked out.... he lived. But there came a point that I really didn't have a preference what the result was as long as the whole ordeal ended already. I'm very glad to see you posting about your end of things in the situation because it really does suck as bad as it feels. I'm glad you shared. smile


Quote:
(and just to let you know, I wanted to use the "F" words a lot in this post)....

Btw, I reread your post and inserted them at will. I used plenty but it still might not have been enough. hug

Re: Interesting update.... [Re: LivingWell] #344712
04/21/14 12:05 AM
04/21/14 12:05 AM
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Vittoria Offline
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Originally Posted By: aeri
So here's my update: (although no one gives a crap)....

You are out of sorts cuz that last part, is not a typical thing for you to say.

Your feeling guilty if you're happy about something .... thank goodness you're able to find happiness in something despite your H's illness, that's healthy. It seems pro-active to me to not let yourself get emotionally drained while the two of you are dealing with his depression.

You've made good changes to your lifestyle to lessen the financial burden, kudos on that.

I have no experience with living with someone dealing with depression. I'm no help there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. hug


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Vittoria] #344727
04/21/14 02:11 AM
04/21/14 02:11 AM
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Kittycat Offline
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Every day, go on a walk with him. My husband feels so much better with three or four hour long walks a week. My husband takes mild ad's every night.


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Kittycat] #344732
04/21/14 03:07 AM
04/21/14 03:07 AM
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Aeri I hope this respite from your H's job situation gives you two some focused time to make changes that have been a long time coming. And I think you are in the right place to identify better ways to get his attention than going outside of the marriage for SF. I can imagine that wasn't easy to type here knowing the response you would get and I think it took a lot of bravery to be honest with yourself about it too before things got out of hand.

Please aeri read this all the way through, I saw it this morning linked on RHW's success blog. I would love to know what you think. It is long but life-changing, have you read it before?

http://www.thecultureofpeace.org/what-we-are-by-c-terry-warn.pdf

Quote:
We human beings have little comprehension of what we are. The difficulty is not that we are ignorant. Its that we are self-deceiving. We systematically keep ourselves from understanding ourselves. We dont do this deliberately.


There is this repeated pattern of victim-volunteer in the situations you describe with your DH, sitter-in-law, and coworker. I think there is a huge amount of freedom waiting for *you* that is closer than you think. Like so close you could get there in a week, maybe an hour or two.

Have you followed NG's thread about how we hurt folks by saying "there there" when really they have what they need for the next step and the only thing holding them back is an honest self-assessment of their situation?

I want your DH to be your best friend again. I believe it can happen, and that there is no time better than right now, when you both are uncomfortable with the status quo.

I wouldn't be saying any of this to you if I didn't 100% have your back and respect you and know 100% that you have what it takes to move forward here.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #344759
04/21/14 02:49 PM
04/21/14 02:49 PM
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Aeri:

Yes, folks do care.

And you are allowed to be happy no matter what else is happening elsewhere in life.

Otherwise, what's the point?

There is more to say, but really, it is on your Husband. Do not accept his bad behavior any longer.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Interesting update.... [Re: Jayne241] #344781
04/21/14 05:39 PM
04/21/14 05:39 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
Buddha told a parable in sutra:

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!


Thanks, Jayne.

This really resonated with me.

*shrugs*...I keep telling myself that this is HIS issue to deal with. When I ask questions, he tells me that he'll let me know when he needs my help.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: herfuturesbright] #344782
04/21/14 05:40 PM
04/21/14 05:40 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
I love you girl

A lot


Thanks, HERF.

I feel much better today and knowing that everyone cares makes me feel more "normal".


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: CajunRose] #344783
04/21/14 05:44 PM
04/21/14 05:44 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Hi CR!

Quote:
Have you told him that you feel like you are just receiving mercy sex and it hurts you to feel undesired?


I did. The day after I wrote the post (because I thought it was important that he knows how I feel).

He says that although he has no desire for sex, he tells me it has NOTHING to do with me (I believe that) and that once he DOES get going, he does enjoy it and he's GLAD he did it. So, I told him I'd keep forcing the issue. (Weird though, at times, he tends to me OVERLY sexual but it's only when there's NO opportunity for sex).


Last edited by *~aeri~*; 04/21/14 05:44 PM.

Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Interesting update.... [Re: LivingWell] #344788
04/21/14 05:56 PM
04/21/14 05:56 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
You have been thru so much and have so much strength. Good luck with the doctors and hoping hubby will cooperate with Rx - hardest part of depression sometimes is that part


Thanks, Kayla.

My husband has been very good about taking his meds but he's not dealing very well with the side effects---low libido, tightness in chest, nervousness, restless sleep....

Thanks, WiserNow...

LivingWell:

Quote:
I do. I've not been reading as much or as often so please send a pm to get my attention when it's important to you that a post is read in a more timely manner, k?


Don't take my ranting about "no one giving a crap" seriously...blah. I don't really BELIEVE that. In hindsight, I guess I mean...."who gives a damn about ME, when there's so much IMPORTANT stuff going on"....

Quote:
I'm wondering if you have expectations that you're not consciously aware of but ones that he could be feeling pressured by.


Well, I try to open a dialogue with him about things like this. I tell him that he's doing a great job of holding down the fort while I'm at work. I thank him for everything he does at home, even though some may say it's his duty to get things done for me since he's at home and I'm not.

I told him it was okay to quit his job so he could find something else that he liked better and didn't stress him out so badly. That was completely honest on my part. What scares me is his lack of motivation. What if that NEVER returns? This isn't a financial worry on my part--I can easily support both of us BUT the question is...do I want to? Especially if he's not meeting my other needs....

Quote:
I'm concerned about voluntarily indulging in lonely walks down memory lane because I don't see it going anywhere good or helpful for you even it never results in a sexual experience with someone.


Meh. I'm not exactly worried about that part of it. I'd rather think about the past than make plans for an affair in the future....

Quote:
I'm very glad to see you posting about your end of things in the situation because it really does suck as bad as it feels. I'm glad you shared.


I'm feeling more vulnerable than I have for a long time, so I thought sharing here would help bring my thoughts back in focus.

Aside from my husband's illness, he was being a bit of an arse on Friday night (due to my family coming over for Easter on Saturday). Up to his old tricks.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



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