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Have to do this in real life for first time #339746
03/14/14 01:22 PM
03/14/14 01:22 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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A work acquaintance recently admitted to me that her H of 30+ years is cheating on her. I told her to come here for support. Don't think she did.

Hoping I can hit the correct tone in talking to her. After all my reading and posting here and at MB, this is the first time I have every had to discuss infidelity with someone I know in real life!

Last edited by holdingontoit; 03/14/14 02:01 PM. Reason: thanks TC_M

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339747
03/14/14 01:24 PM
03/14/14 01:24 PM
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SFB Offline
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Hold:

That really sucks.

Hope she gets the help she needs.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339753
03/14/14 01:32 PM
03/14/14 01:32 PM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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Hold, if she does come here eventually, she might find this thread and figure out who you are. Are you comfortable with the possibility of her reading your entire thread history?

Just a thought to consider.

At any rate, best luck. You are a compassionate soul.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: TC_Manhattan] #339754
03/14/14 01:36 PM
03/14/14 01:36 PM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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I am sure you find something comforting to say Hold. You are a kind and sweet fella with a good heart.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: TC_Manhattan] #339765
03/14/14 02:20 PM
03/14/14 02:20 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: TC_Manhattan
Hold, if she does come here eventually, she might find this thread and figure out who you are. Are you comfortable with the possibility of her reading your entire thread history?

This is my concern also. Perhaps moving this thread to a blog of its own and then locking it would make it less likely she would find it and make the connection.

Hold, I think that it's different talking to someone about this stuff in real life than it is online. For one thing, when it's online people can read it at their own pace. Sometimes I stop reading in the middle of a post just to breathe before continuing. But in real life there are things like body language, etc, and I think that your compassion would help guide you.

It might be a good idea for you to decide in what ways you want to be supportive so that you don't fall down the slippery slope that many do when people from the opposite sex discuss marital woes.


Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: LivingWell] #339768
03/14/14 02:23 PM
03/14/14 02:23 PM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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Hold, just to be clear, I was concerned about your other thread, "Kudos to Mrs. Hold." Not sure if you want to share what is quite an intimate disclosure to someone you know IRL.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: TC_Manhattan] #339771
03/14/14 02:33 PM
03/14/14 02:33 PM
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It's very generous of you to suggest this site to her. I agree withTC about the concern. Maybe if she doesn't come here, instead of suggesting it again maybe you could just print out some articles?

You could also ask that your blog be moved to the Carport, so casual readers won't find it.


42.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: TC_Manhattan] #339772
03/14/14 02:34 PM
03/14/14 02:34 PM
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EarningIt Offline
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Hold,

I have great faith in you to be a good support.

I do have to say Be Careful! Being an opposite sex support in a situation is fraught with risks, even if its perfectly above board.

Do good!


Remember to hope.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: LivingWell] #339774
03/14/14 02:40 PM
03/14/14 02:40 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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I am not looking to be her life coach. Or her source of emotional support. Just don't see how the topic won't come up during lunch conversation. It has to be the biggest item occupying her mind at this point.

I understand about the slippery slope. The good news is that we won't be working together starting Monday, so there won't be any further opportunities for discussion. My fear of a harassment lawsuit will be more than enough to keep me far away from developing any feelings toward her. And I can assure as a matter of ontological certainty that no one has to worry about a living breathing woman developing romantic feelings toward me.

Yeah, I know, you will all tell me I am wrong and that I should be careful because it is the ones who think they are immune who fall. Relax. I am aware and vigilant. I am far too afraid of downsides to be blindsided. And like I said, women simply don't take to me "in that way". I get friend zoned so fast there is not enough time for even a single electron to reach an excited state. When women get near me, their ground state is metastable.

I am like a giant Higgs boson. When women get near me, they react to the Hold field so forcefully that all emotional excitation is impossible. I wonder if I went to visit the LHC, would I set off the detectors?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339778
03/14/14 02:46 PM
03/14/14 02:46 PM
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EarningIt Offline
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Even if you are right about not having to worry about her attraction, which I suspect you are exaggerating, I am more worried about you be falsely accused by her husband in a divorce proceeding or some such bullshinola.


Remember to hope.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: EarningIt] #339792
03/14/14 03:27 PM
03/14/14 03:27 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Falsely accused of what? Cheating with her? Every time we talk is out in the hallway / bullpen with many witnesses to overhear. That is why we have not discussed it before. And won't discuss it again. Geez, do I have to be this paranoid about saying thank you?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339797
03/14/14 03:36 PM
03/14/14 03:36 PM
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EarningIt Offline
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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Geez, do I have to be this paranoid about saying thank you?


I didn't say don't do it....I just wanted to say be careful when you do it.

That's all


Remember to hope.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: EarningIt] #339803
03/14/14 03:57 PM
03/14/14 03:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
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Maybe I should wait for the other female attorney to get back from maternity leave. Then they can each be witnesses that I did not try to pick up the other one.

Guys, I appreciate the concern. But you keep thinking of me as a human male. I can assure you that human females do not view me that way. And as long as I think of myself that way, they will continue to view me similarly. If I were looking to date, I would have to change my view to have any success. But as long as my goal is to remain married to Mrs. Hold, my abysmal self-image is near perfect protection against female interest.

No, the risk is not some co-worker getting the wrong idea and becoming interested "by accident". The risk is some predator thinking I am a juicy target. But to be a target, I have to have something of value for her to take. Luckily, since I have tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt and no savings (heck last Friday my checking account was empty too, and I had to run on the cash in my pocket for a week until another payday), there is nothing for her to take. Mrs. Hold has already sucked me dry (and not in a good way).

You might think there are other things a woman might find interesting about me besides money. I can assure you, you would be wrong. Again, as long as I feel that way about myself, women have an uncanny ability to agree with me.

So the low self-image protects against the needy. And the lack of free cash flow protects against the predators. When you combine that with my paralyzing fear, acute anxiety and social awkwardness, you have about as good a multi-layered defense system as anyone could want. Of course, you have to want to be socially isolated for it to be of any benefit. But in this cae, it is just what the doctor ordered!


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339807
03/14/14 04:06 PM
03/14/14 04:06 PM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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Hold, go enjoy your lunch. You will be fine.
I trust you.

My only concern was for your privacy in the event someone unwittingly figured out who you are by your pseudonym, and then availed themselves of your personal thread under the Troubled Marriage section.

Don't over think this. It will come out stilted if you do.

Last edited by TC_Manhattan; 03/14/14 04:06 PM.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: TC_Manhattan] #339812
03/14/14 04:13 PM
03/14/14 04:13 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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It is cool to be able to offer a word or two of help IRL. Good job Hold.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339816
03/14/14 04:19 PM
03/14/14 04:19 PM
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poet Offline
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What *I* don't get is the fact that you say you've never had to deal with this before. Really? No one's ever confided in you?

Crazy as it may seem on THIS forum, people IRL confide in me all the time, about everything, often even people who I haven't known for a long time.

True story: I grew up going to a beach town every summer for at least a week or two. As I got older, say 15, my father would allow me to stay (with my older brother and/or sisters) for the whole summer.

When I was 21 I left home and moved across the country.

When I was 30 I moved back for a couple of years. That summer, a man, who was the father of one of my peers --a man I hardly ever remembered talking to growing up -- walked up to me while I was on the beach and gave me a run down about how his wife had left him, divorced him and left him dry.

This man had contracted parkinson's disease. I tried to verbally console him. I felt a little awkward doing so because he had been so much older than me. But, I'm sure he felt comfortable talking to me because he stood and listened and talked for longer than I was comfortable with.

My friend, who I discussed this with later, was shocked that he shared so much with me, so fast.

She had never left the town, and she was much more in tune with the goings-on there than I was.

Maybe it's your face. Maybe your co-worker TRUSTS you. You would do well to brush up on your communications skills and do more than just send her to MA. You might wish to start by copying my article in the spying 101 thread and emailing it to her. Ask first, if she wants you to though. She may say no.

As an aside, there are billions of people in the world who are suffering. It's much easier for me to see them IRL. Maybe sometimes people are attracted to those who they think might understand their suffering. IDK.

But, it amazes/amuses to learn that you never encountered this before. I was going to say, you must be deaf. But, then I would be describing myself and not you.

Last edited by poet; 03/14/14 04:29 PM. Reason: adding a coupl'a words for clarity

I thank God for all the times he saved my life, for putting all the people in my path who helped save it, and all the other people I met along the way.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: poet] #339819
03/14/14 04:30 PM
03/14/14 04:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: poet
What *I* don't get is the fact that you say you've never had to deal with this before. Really? No one's ever confided in you?


Yes, really. I really have no friends IRL. Well, one. We go one walks once every few months. He likes his wife. So no need to confide in me.

Other than him, the only adult humans I talk to outside work are my wife and my parents. So no, no one has ever confided in me about marriage problems or infidelity. Lots of my kids' friends' parents are divorced, but none of them ever confided in me. Why would they, we never speak.

I am socially awkward. On the spectrum. I don't pick up facial and body language clues and I make people uncomfortable. Holds me back professionally. And makes it easy to understand why no one would ever confide in me. The lack of socializing means there are very few opportunities. And the social discomfort de-motivates anyone from picking me as their confidant on the rare occassions we are together.

So really, no one has ever confided in me before.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: poet] #339820
03/14/14 04:30 PM
03/14/14 04:30 PM
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Pacific NW
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Hold, no good deed goes unpunished. I used to want to help. Now i mostly pray for the person or refer them to someone to talk to.


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: holdingontoit] #339824
03/14/14 04:38 PM
03/14/14 04:38 PM
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poet Offline
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Hey Hold, I'm going to make a crazy suggestion (well, you are going to think it is crazy -- but it is not).

Do me -- your very new bff -- a big favor will ya? The next time you are off work for the day, go take a walk. Well, I dunno where you live so that might not work. But, on the next *nice day* when you are off work, go to a place; a city park, a public garden, a historic home where strangers are gathered (I dunno, any place you find appealing that is outside. Surely your town has SOME thing).

Stick around for a while. Check out the people -- I call this people watching. Find a park bench and plant yourself there for at least 30 minutes. Enjoy the sun's rays. Watch the kids, and their moms. Be on the lookout for some forelorn folk, not a crazy-in-the-eyes weido though. Be a little careful.

If you feel it, strike up a coversation with the person who sits down next to you. If you don't feel, walk on. But, do this for about two or three weeks, or a month. If nothing happens, then come back and tell me about it. I'll give you the next installment at that point, K?


I thank God for all the times he saved my life, for putting all the people in my path who helped save it, and all the other people I met along the way.
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: poet] #339878
03/14/14 07:03 PM
03/14/14 07:03 PM
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SFB Offline
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Hold:

Yes, you should be careful about someone IRL finding your thread here.

You have shared a lot on that thread, and that isn't easy for you.

To lose that resource, could be very difficult.

I hope your coworker gets some support. It seems you provided the most basic level of human decency. "I'm sorry that has happened to you, hers something that might help..."

SFB

Last edited by right here waiting; 03/18/14 01:55 AM. Reason: Changed a word at poster's request

Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: SFB] #339883
03/14/14 07:20 PM
03/14/14 07:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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Hold. You could PM AR your location and if someone from the same area registers in the next week or two, your thread could be moved. Just a suggestion.

Ive told loads of people about MA. I keep an eye out for people from my neck of the woods showing up. So far its been ok.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: Lil] #339891
03/14/14 07:41 PM
03/14/14 07:41 PM
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Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
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Yes this is a real problem using internet forums, I have already experienced this and it is not pleasant.

Lil And SFB are correct.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: Rich57] #339906
03/14/14 08:14 PM
03/14/14 08:14 PM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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Hey Hold,

How did it go?

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: Lil] #339916
03/14/14 08:38 PM
03/14/14 08:38 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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Originally Posted By: Lil
Hold. You could PM AR your location and if someone from the same area registers in the next week or two, your thread could be moved. Just a suggestion.

Ive told loads of people about MA. I keep an eye out for people from my neck of the woods showing up. So far its been ok.


I let most of the newbies in, and I watch for that stuff.
Can't catch everything, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Re: Have to do this in real life for first time [Re: right here waiting] #340353
03/17/14 05:42 PM
03/17/14 05:42 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Poet, thank you for the suggestion.

At a work event I spoke to someone I had seen at another work event but never spoken to.

At services Friday night I spoke to someone I see occassionally but had never spoken to before. He was polite. We discussed our kids, college, jobs after college, etc.

Both times it felt very awkward for me but I know this is something I need to do.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
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