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Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Telly] #335736
02/16/14 04:23 AM
02/16/14 04:23 AM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: Telly


Your H can be like my H... sometimes they use words to get us off point so that they can evade whatever they don't want to deal with.

He made this whole thing about YOU, because you tried to discuss it with him!

No more discussions. Say what you want, and leave it at that. He knew perfectly well what you meant, and what you wanted.

He just didn't like it.

Edited to add:

If he can make you the problem, then he's off the hook... again...


Mine does this too and he uses guilt and bluster and yelling and posturing and every other weapon in his arsenal to keep twisting things around to put the focus where he wants it to be (off of his shortcomings). Don't fall for it. Don't let him off the hook. Don't take the fall for his bad behavior. Stand up for your needs.

Give me his number. Ima text him right now. Lol.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Telly] #335738
02/16/14 04:32 AM
02/16/14 04:32 AM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: Telly
No more discussions. Say what you want, and leave it at that. He knew perfectly well what you meant, and what you wanted.
And then, if he STILL refuses to do what you say you wanted, the next step is to take his credit card, book a mini-vacation for YOU and your best friend, and go out and enjoy yourself, leaving him at home to fend for himself. This is just about the only thing I can think of that will get his attention. Just like I refused to celebrate my H's birthday after he ignored mine (and he then was sure never to forget mine again), if you take a step like this, HE WILL GET IT: you are to be respected.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335741
02/16/14 05:00 AM
02/16/14 05:00 AM
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silentlucidity Offline
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Correct me if I'm wrong but you weren't talking about what HE liked for Valentine's day, you were giving him a road map to you. Stop allowing the deflection. AZman tries this, even when the subject of conversation isn't all that serious.

Truth is, aeri, I don't hear that he doing a very good job of showing you love the other 364 days of the year.

Valentine's day in my home... Hawaiian BBQ and hangin out with hubby and son. In bed, he gave me a Lotta love, he knew exactly what I wanted. No presents were exchanged. I said I just wanted him to spend his precious time on me and he delivered.

Point is, speak your truth. It's not up for debate, and don't kid yourself that there is a right time to do so.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335750
02/16/14 08:56 AM
02/16/14 08:56 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
Don't fall for it. Don't let him off the hook. Don't take the fall for his bad behavior. Stand up for your needs.


Maybe this is where I fall short.

I keep reminding myself that this has never been a "need" before, but I also know that Christmas gifts are probably the very least of all the gifts I desire to feel loved, yet he's adamant about buying me something for Christmas every year.

I think it comes down to him reflecting his own needs onto me--he needs Christmas gifts to feel loved, so he always buys something for me, even when I tell him it's unnecessary. Same goes for birthday gifts. Yet, because Valentine's Day is something that means nothing to him, he fights for his right to ignore it.

Until now, it just didn't bother me that he didn't want to celebrate this holiday. I SAID something and he is resisting. He's even using pettiness (you're just like all the other ILLOGICAL women...) He knows that is a biting statement for me.

I guess it's not the gifts or really "celebrating" Valentine's Day, it's the knowledge that he's so adverse to celebrating.

I have a blog on another board where I've been making entries every day for 2 years. I checked back and last year my husband did the following on Valentine's Day:

1. Came home from work at 9.00 pm.
2. Melted down due to job stress.
3. Went to bed early.

The day after Valentine's Day, I bought him a card and two bottles of wine "just because". I wanted to make him feel better because he was under so much stress at work.

The same weekend, he wanted to visit a car show so we did and spent the entire day doing something he loved (but I hate). I did it because I knew it was important to him.

I felt no resentment toward him last year because I knew he was in a very bad place. It got worse before it got better, but he's improving now. I suppose I was wrong to expect anything other than the status quo, but in my mind, I wanted him to reflect on the year and perhaps spring for a bouquet of flowers...just because.

To Catperson's point, I actually feel that my husband is a bit resentful towards me right now because I'm going on a business trip this week and he is staying home. He could have traveled with me, expenses paid, but this is a busy time at his workplace and he couldn't take time off.

I don't think it's sinking in that I'm traveling for WORK. In fact, he's making a very big deal of being alone for a few days--as if I'm the ol' ball and chain and he's getting rid of me. (The truth is, I can't even go for a manicure without him complaining that he wants me to spend more time with him).

Perhaps a few days without me will make him realize how important I am....(or I'll come home to a really messy house and a sink full of dishes)....


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: silentlucidity] #335751
02/16/14 09:09 AM
02/16/14 09:09 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
ruth is, aeri, I don't hear that he doing a very good job of showing you love the other 364 days of the year.


In the past six months, he's been very much focused on himself because of all the issues with his health and his work.

SF suffered for a while--understandable, due to his health. Since that has cleared up, SF has gone back to normal and I feel physical love and affection from him, so that's not an issue...I'm really just focusing on this ONE SMALL THING...I just don't GET why he couldn't have made an exception for Valentine's Day this one time.

I can't help thinking back to that first Valentine's Day when he walked off the train with a bouquet of flowers in his hands...I was tickled pink, even though I knew he probably overpaid for them. At the time, I thought he REALLY WANTED to buy them to make me feel special.

I also remember clearly that I told him it wasn't necessary to go crazy on that day alone, buying me a gift. I'd rather receive a spontaneous bouquet of flowers on another day and it would be just as special for me.

THAT's what bothers me.

I actually let him off the hook for Valentine's Day and he never picked up the ball on the other days, either.

Before I went on my big diet, he'd surprise me with food gifts from time to time, which I appreciated A LOT. Now that I don't eat junk anymore, it's like all spontaneous surprises have ceased. Flowers would be a nice substitute for food gifts.

Maybe I should tell him THAT.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Telly] #335752
02/16/14 09:17 AM
02/16/14 09:17 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Telly--you're dead on with your analysis.

I know that everything you've said is true. I'm not giving up--problem is, my husband can only take very little discussion of his shortcomings at any given time. I have to present my needs in really small chunks for him to process.

One of my husband's compliments to me is that I'm "low maintenance". That doesn't bother me--I am low maintenance. The problem comes in when he equates my requests with "high maintenance" behaviour.

I know my husband loves me but I wonder if he wouldn't try harder if he thought other men thought I was attractive. I'm still losing weight....so, I wonder what'll happen when I lose another 60 or 70 lbs and I'm attractive to the general population of men? I wonder if he'll step up? This is all a big learning process for me....


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335756
02/16/14 03:28 PM
02/16/14 03:28 PM
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Posts: 2,791
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You are not NO maintenance. No one is. All of the things you are saying here...say to him. Tell him how wonderful it felt when he surprised you with flowers on V day, tell him you want that ON V day, that you would like more but he's simply not doing it. Tell him.
The worst that will happen is he will attempt to deflect and throw a tantrum. That's when you remind him that the current conversation is about your needs, not his need to avoid.
Keep it on track.
You defend him whenever someone notices a trend of not caring for you. I can appreciate that. If you are going to have your message heard by him you can't be making excuses in your head about why you shouldn't be sharing your concerns. He's had a bad year. Yours hasn't been easy either.

I remember singing this song as kid, thinking how truly sad it was. Still is, however corny. Love both Babs and Neil.


Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: silentlucidity] #335761
02/16/14 04:17 PM
02/16/14 04:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Aeri, I am really hearing myself in your words so first of all thanks for sharing this! It is nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles in these ways. The ladies up thread are right you just need to make a stink about it. He. Reds to know that he is not holding up his end of the deal. He needs to know how he could do better.

And about the business trip mine does this too. I think it is because he does miss me and doesn't want to be away from me. It makes him feel isolated and lonely and cut adrift. He hates it. But he's too ashamed to say that so he pitches a fit when I go somewhere.

So now whenever I have to go without him I make sure I lay it on thick how much I will miss him and how much I hate to be without him. It seems to help some. I also reach out a lot by phone text and email while I'm gone too help him not feel so alone.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #336202
02/20/14 03:36 PM
02/20/14 03:36 PM
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Canada
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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I called my husband last night and he actually admitted that he missed me. He was all sad and downcast and I think for the first time he realized that life without me v isn't fun. His big complaint last night was having to do his own dishes. This morning, he said he missed not seeing me when he woke up.

I think this may open his eyes a bit.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #336206
02/20/14 03:48 PM
02/20/14 03:48 PM
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catperson Offline
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That's why I miss sending husbands to the dog house! We did it for a reason!

It bugs me that we as women have grown so scared to raise a stink in my lifetime. Raising stinks is what kept the marriages balanced.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #336322
02/21/14 07:51 PM
02/21/14 07:51 PM
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SFB Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson
That's why I miss sending husbands to the dog house! We did it for a reason!

It bugs me that we as women have grown so scared to raise a stink in my lifetime. Raising stinks is what kept the marriages balanced.


Ahhh... No.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: SFB] #336328
02/21/14 08:27 PM
02/21/14 08:27 PM
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catperson Offline
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Never mind.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: SFB] #336366
02/22/14 03:24 AM
02/22/14 03:24 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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I agree with SFB.

Had I sent him to the dog house he would have dug in his heels. The fact that I'm on a business trip is what allows him to admit that he misses me. He knows I'm not punishing him.

My husband has traveled without me in the last few years. He was gone 10 days the last time. When I told him I missed him he said "Why? I'm coming back". Maybe now he knows why.....


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #336469
02/23/14 04:10 AM
02/23/14 04:10 AM
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catperson Offline
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Maybe now he knows why...

Is exactly what I'm talking about, in whatever form it takes - by you not staying in the background, in the dark, staying silent, guess what happens?

He remembers you! He notices you. He respects you.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #336487
02/23/14 02:19 PM
02/23/14 02:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Aeri, where did you go for your trip? Are you having some fun?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #337044
02/27/14 09:29 PM
02/27/14 09:29 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Hi Ned:

I had to go to Los Angeles on business. Although I had two pretty gruelling days, I took the Friday and toured around a bit.

I'm never alone so I REALLY enjoyed it.

******************************************

TODAY hubby and I visited the doctor. This appointment was supposed to be my yearly physical, but I called and asked if the doc could see my husband instead. My hubby has finally agreed to taking anti-depressants in order to control his anxiety. I think this is a good thing--if he can control his anxiety, he can focus his energy on finding another job.

ALL GOOD, right? ....WRONG!

When I proceeded to follow my husband into the room, I was stopped by the nurse who said that the doctor wanted to speak to my husband "alone, first". I was told I'd be called into the appointment when they were ready. My husband INSISTED that I come along and the nurse said NO and kicked me out into the waiting room.

About 10 minutes later, I was called into the room, where the doctor explained everything he had told my husband. When he was done, I thanked him and then told him that I didn't appreciate being treated as a criminal and demanded to know exactly WHY I was prohibited from being in the room if he was ONLY GOING TO EXPLAIN THE SAME CRAP TO ME ANYWAYS.

Turns out, the doctor told my husband that I am distracting and I ask TOO MANY QUESTIONS and it takes him away from his train of thought.

Now, tell me....this is my physician. If I distract him so badly while he's speaking to my husband (total BS, by the way...I have never interrupted ANYONE during a conversation in my life...I always ask my questions when the other person has finished speaking) then how can I expect that any diagnosis he makes for ME will be accurate? A hypothetical question, of course, because that entire explanation is load of steaming horse excrement.

So, my husband made is very clear that I am authorized to call in for his lab results and ANY OTHER MATTER PERTAINING TO HIS HEALTH. My doctor said that was fine, but I was no longer allowed to make appointments for him (!!!) This was my WTF moment.

Anyone who understands Canadian healthcare knows that NO ONE can simply phone a doctor's office. 9/10 times you will get a busy signal....not voicemail, an old fashioned busy signal. My husband cannot pick up the phone 10 or 15 times during his day to HOPE for a call to the doctor's office that will get through. That's MY job because my work environment is far more private and flexible.

This doctor is grating on my nerves. I don't know WHAT THE HELL he thinks he's trying to prove, but this is an invitation to go TOE TO TOE and surprisingly, after 20 years, he doesn't know who he's tangling with.

Let's just say, my physical in March is going to be very interesting.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #337059
02/28/14 01:37 AM
02/28/14 01:37 AM
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TX
CajunRose Offline
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Perhaps it is time to find a new doctor?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: CajunRose] #337062
02/28/14 02:35 AM
02/28/14 02:35 AM
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The Farm
Jayne241 Offline
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Easier said than done in Canada... Or at least in some areas...


42.
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: Jayne241] #337064
02/28/14 04:02 AM
02/28/14 04:02 AM
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believer Offline
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I don't know, aeri, but the whole scenario kind of bothers me.

My ex had a problem with depression/anxiety, and was extremely reluctant to get treatment. His sister begged him to get some help and he went once to the doc. He wanted me to go with him for moral support, which I did. However, I did not go into the room with him for his consultation. I felt that he deserved the privacy to talk to the doctor freely. I mean, what if some of his problems were because of me?

What kind of questions were you planning to ask that your husband couldn't ask? It almost sounds like you were mothering him.

Anyway, I do wish you and hubby good luck. My ex never went back again, refused to take any meds, and ended up committing suicide.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: believer] #337066
02/28/14 04:19 AM
02/28/14 04:19 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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I used to go with my MiL into the doctor's office. She had emphysema and COPD and congestive heart failure, but she didn't ask a lot of questions. But I had a ton! My mom was a geriatric nurse so I would tell her what we were going for and she would answer what she could, and tell me what questions to ask. Sometimes it takes a village! My ex's health was simple and I didn't go to the doctor with him, expect like when he had surgery. But he was good at asking questions. Aeri, especially when your H's issues are complex, and affect you a lot, I understand why you want to be there. How is your DH with asking questions?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #337092
02/28/14 03:20 PM
02/28/14 03:20 PM
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southern USA
at peace Offline
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Your experience at that doctor's office is mind boggling, aeri. I'm stunned that you would be treated in such a way. And, your not being "allowed" to make appointments for your H seems spiteful and petty.

I think you are wise to be concerned about your own care under this physician. I would certainly question his level of concern about your welfare.

Lori


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: at peace] #337148
02/28/14 06:49 PM
02/28/14 06:49 PM
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Telly Offline
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I am totally disgusted...


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: Telly] #337149
02/28/14 06:50 PM
02/28/14 06:50 PM
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Telly Offline
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Perhaps your doctor is simply incompetent and cannot handle questions...


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: Telly] #337150
02/28/14 06:51 PM
02/28/14 06:51 PM
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Telly Offline
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Is he the head of the practice or is there someone else there that you can see?

If possible, I would never see him again.


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Just when I thought I'd heard everything.... [Re: believer] #337155
02/28/14 07:01 PM
02/28/14 07:01 PM
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Posts: 2,918
Canada
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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*~aeri~*  Offline OP
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Quote:
My ex had a problem with depression/anxiety, and was extremely reluctant to get treatment. His sister begged him to get some help and he went once to the doc. He wanted me to go with him for moral support, which I did. However, I did not go into the room with him for his consultation. I felt that he deserved the privacy to talk to the doctor freely. I mean, what if some of his problems were because of me?

What kind of questions were you planning to ask that your husband couldn't ask? It almost sounds like you were mothering him.


Believer:

My husband always wants me in the room with him because (and this is his explanation) he always forgets to ask certain questions and he often forgets important points that the doctor has given him.

Trust me when I say I don't want to mother my husband and I certainly don't want to give the impression that I do. In fact, I felt so uncomfortable the first few times I went in with him that I actually TOLD the doctor that he asked me to be there.

I never assume that I'm invited into the room with my husband--I always wait for him to ASK me to come along. That way, it's no big deal if he wants to go in by himself and speak to the doctor privately.

I was rather annoyed that my husband wanted me there, but the doctor needed me out of the room. That's the galling part of the whole matter.

Quote:
Anyway, I do wish you and hubby good luck. My ex never went back again, refused to take any meds, and ended up committing suicide.


Sorry to hear this.

Fortunately, my husband's issues are mostly anxiety. He doesn't have depression, but I do watch for the signs.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



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