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Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335583
02/14/14 08:38 PM
02/14/14 08:38 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
give me his number, I'ma text him right now. I gotchu Aeri!


LOL...that made me smile!

You're hilarious, Miranda! smile


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #335584
02/14/14 08:41 PM
02/14/14 08:41 PM
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He is telling you what HE wants. You haven't spoken up about what YOU want...and so you feel upset inside....there's been too much of you hiding what you want because it would make him uncomfortable or unhappy or upset.

Be true to who you are. If you want to get him a gift, get him a gift. If you want to go out to dinner, make a reservation somewhere and tell him what time you are going. If you don't feel like cooking and don't want to go out, order a pizza.

If he is unable to accept gifts or expressions of love from you, that is something he can bring up in his IC appointments.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #335585
02/14/14 08:41 PM
02/14/14 08:41 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
Aeri, have you taken a look at jayne's thread? We're working on the same thing over there, how do you communicate when something is A BIG DEAL in your house.


I have, but I have nothing useful to add, unfortunately.

Here's the thing...I don't feel like it's a BIG DEAL.

If I texted him and told him I didn't want to make dinner, he'd just suggest that we go out and it would be done.

The point isn't that I don't want to cook--I do....but I want him to acknowledge my value to him, rather than trying to get out of doing what most men do (even grudgingly).


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: CajunRose] #335586
02/14/14 08:43 PM
02/14/14 08:43 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
He is telling you what HE wants. You haven't spoken up about what YOU want...and so you feel upset inside....there's been too much of you hiding what you want because it would make him uncomfortable or unhappy or upset.


I've told him in the past that Valentine's day isn't about the gifts...it's about showing the person you love how much they mean to you. Since life often gets in the way and we forget to give each other small gifts "just because", it's a good day to REMEMBER to do so.

I've made my feelings known...but, he only really considers what he wants. Just like Sheldon Cooper....it doesn't matter what Amy wants, Sheldon always sees it from his own perspective.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335587
02/14/14 08:45 PM
02/14/14 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
The point isn't that I don't want to cook--I do....but I want him to acknowledge my value to him.


Tell him exactly this.

I was ... unimpressed ... with Night's attempt for Christmas the year we got married. Christmas is my favorite holiday, there's lots of traditions, etc. I did the meltdown thing at the time. this year, in November, I reminded him of my expectations, of what is important to me. He came through smile

I also mentioned in passing yesterday that I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Valentine's Day present I ordered for him. He said "presents??" and changed the subject. Today I got flowers wink


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335588
02/14/14 08:45 PM
02/14/14 08:45 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
Not sure that will translate to your situation, but you never know.


Well, I'm not buying him anything...not even a card...so I'll let you know!


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: CajunRose] #335589
02/14/14 08:48 PM
02/14/14 08:48 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
I also mentioned in passing yesterday that I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Valentine's Day present I ordered for him. He said "presents??" and changed the subject. Today I got flowers


If I had said that it was important to me, he would have sent me flowers....but for the wrong reason...

It's not the same if I have to ask him to do it.

It's the Sheldon Cooper thing---why doesn't he recognize how supportive I've been? Why is he so inept when it comes to subliminal messages?

Maybe he really DOESN'T love me?


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335590
02/14/14 08:50 PM
02/14/14 08:50 PM
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More likely, gifts are not one of his love languages. So he doesn't know how to do it unless you tell him/show him.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335591
02/14/14 09:01 PM
02/14/14 09:01 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
Quote:
give me his number, I'ma text him right now. I gotchu Aeri!


LOL...that made me smile!

You're hilarious, Miranda! smile


it's even MORE hilarious if you understand that I'm a short dumpy rapidly graying woman in my late 40s. So that verbiage is particularly bizarre coming out of my mouth. The kids always crack up when I go "ghetto" on them.

But you will note that both CR and I did the same thing and got similar results. We both had to have what amounted to a meltdown, where we had to show them how hurtful it was to us that they didn't honor this need for us. My husband was confused about it at first, he was very "Sheldon" like about it. "But that doesn't make any kind of sense!" he said. I stuck to my guns, and I was very specific about the types of things I would like to receive. I said "it doesn't matter, gloves, slippers, a new nightgown like the ones I like to wear, a giftcard to a store you know I like, pay attention to things I LIKE and WANT TO HAVE and then remember to buy them for me, and wrap them up and give them to me at a special time"

The next holiday I got gloves, slippers and a nightgown. He followed the prescription almost exactly. That was fine. Over the years he's gotten the hang of it, and learned to branch out a bit. I help him out with hints given liberally and lots of positive reinforcement. Yes, it sucked to have to basically spell it out for him at first, but after a while it got better. He just needed some guidance to get him started.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: CajunRose] #335592
02/14/14 09:03 PM
02/14/14 09:03 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
More likely, gifts are not one of his love languages. So he doesn't know how to do it unless you tell him/show him.


OH No, Maam!

Gifts are definitely one of his love languages!

The first year we were married, I bought him cedar hangers for his birthday because he mentioned that he wanted them. He thanked me and said they weren't an appropriate birthday gift because it wasn't "romantic" enough...

He wants "surprises" as gifts. If I note a bottle of Scotch when he mentions it (so I know what to buy for his birthday or Christmas) he says I shouldn't have to write it down. I should just KNOW what he likes.

He is very SPECIFIC as to what his gifts should be.


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335593
02/14/14 09:05 PM
02/14/14 09:05 PM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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Quote:
Yes, it sucked to have to basically spell it out for him at first, but after a while it got better. He just needed some guidance to get him started


He bought me two perfumes that I really wanted for Christmas----A+ for that.

He didn't wrap them--he put them under the tree in a brown box that they were delivered in. A friend of mine said "I love the brown paper boxes..all you need now is some string".


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335595
02/14/14 09:13 PM
02/14/14 09:13 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Yeah, I still get stuff in the bag from the store it was bought at. The lovely Valentine's gift I got last night was still in the bag. He had taken the receipt out and scratched the price tag off though... so bully for him there.

<sigh> It's not perfect, but at least he TRIES now.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335597
02/14/14 09:40 PM
02/14/14 09:40 PM
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Tell him the truth and then plan out holidays together. Tell him NOW you want to go out to dinner or have him cook with you some beautiful crab legs or lobster or the steak. It is not too late to tell him today.

I would be uber-pissed if my husband said that we are not getting gifts this year or whatever. WE did plan on a nice dinner of crab legs, wine, and other foods we like.

A week ago, I asked my husband what he thinks he might like for Valentines day and he said NOTHING but today he brought me two wrapped gifts, a heart full of chocolates and a heart mug with hearts all over it. I should have gotten him something but for once I will let him do the giving. We are sharing the chocolates.


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335638
02/15/14 01:48 PM
02/15/14 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
So, it's illogical, but I feel bad. I'm trying to figure out WHY, but I haven't been able to identify it yet.
It's not illogical at all. He KNOWS it is important to you but he doesn't want to do it. So he is telling you that HIS wants and needs are more important to him than you are. It hurts to hear that your lover isn't putting you first.


Bingo.

Aeri, this is all it is. I could not have posted it better.

He, just like MANY MEN, SFB included, just CANNOT get out of their comfort zone and do SOMETHING.

SOMETHING that matters to you. Whatever that is.

And this is about being "Sheldon" or anyone else, its about being authentic in your own way. If Mr Aeri is anal like Sheldon, then he needs to figure out, for HIM, how he can connect this to you in a way that makes sense.

Accepting this bad behavior from him will only make it worse.

And don't tell me he can't plan it. He planned three different times to tell you NO! to Valentines day. And you can presume that he thought about it more than that...

Maybe if he had put some of that thinking into some chocolates and flowers...

Then, on the receiving side, we have to appreciate the "What they actually do, if they try" It might not be perfect. There have been several examples posted of misses, and how it was dealt with.

SFB got a card for Flamingo last night... Flamingo gave me the same card for 10 years ago... Every relationship is different.

Figuring out what works in these cases is tough, but there is a path... (I understand the "You should just KNOW what I *like* line..." Flamingo doesn't KNOW what I want, and I can't verbalize well... but its not *stuff* that I want..")

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: CajunRose] #335640
02/15/14 02:12 PM
02/15/14 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
there's been too much of you hiding what you want because it would make him uncomfortable or unhappy or upset.
And that is 100% (well, 95%) because he TAUGHT YOU to not upset him. Every time you HAVE spoken up, he pulls out the blame card - now I'm upset, now I feel guilty, now I can't eat/sleep/talk/participate because YOU made me feel blah blah blah.

Who knows if he knew what he was doing when he did that, but it worked. You have now been trained to not expect anything from him - in terms of work, relationship, what else? - because he just can't. He's a poor little boy who gets so stressed out by everything that YOUR job now is to keep him from getting stressed - even if it means YOU melt away into the woodwork with no feelings, no needs, and no rights.

This is a joint decision - you both walked into it willingly, so you both have a role in fixing it, as it no longer works for you (and it doesn't seem to be doing much for him any more, just look at his work). You need to start speaking up, whether it 'stresses' him or not. He needs to get his butt into therapy and learn to overcome his FOO issues and insecurities and stressors and learn to be a man and lead his marriage.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335642
02/15/14 02:18 PM
02/15/14 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
It's the Sheldon Cooper thing---why doesn't he recognize how supportive I've been? Why is he so inept when it comes to subliminal messages?
Because he's gotten away with not having to, all his life. Why should this marriage be any different? Answer: because you expect it to be!
Quote:

Maybe he really DOESN'T love me?
Not sure. But that's the kind of thing real communication can answer. And, I suspect, that real communication is only going to happen in therapy, with a professional getting him to that point.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335664
02/15/14 06:25 PM
02/15/14 06:25 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: *~aeri~*
It's the Sheldon Cooper thing---why doesn't he recognize how supportive I've been? Why is he so inept when it comes to subliminal messages?
Because he's gotten away with not having to, all his life. Why should this marriage be any different? Answer: because you expect it to be!
Quote:

Maybe he really DOESN'T love me?
Not sure. But that's the kind of thing real communication can answer. And, I suspect, that real communication is only going to happen in therapy, with a professional getting him to that point.


Or if you just one time melt down lose control and let him see the real you. With feelings and everything. And give him the opportunity to step up and show YOU care for a change. It may be just the chance he needs.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335698
02/15/14 10:56 PM
02/15/14 10:56 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: Miranda

Or if you just one time melt down lose control and let him see the real you. With feelings and everything. And give him the opportunity to step up and show YOU care for a change. It may be just the chance he needs.
I can't agree with this more. The ONLY times we've ever had progress is when I've fallen apart and told him the absolute truth, and showed how desperate and miserable I was.

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335704
02/16/14 12:12 AM
02/16/14 12:12 AM
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Miranda Offline
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I told my husband today he was being a complete jerk. After a short chilly period we are closer than we've been in weeks

Go figure.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: Miranda] #335712
02/16/14 01:42 AM
02/16/14 01:42 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Yahoo for breaking the ice again!

Aeri, am I understanding right? You're feeling you've earned it that he should want to show affection and appreciation through some gestures that would leave you feeling cared for and loved. I don't remember if it was Mark or Fiddler, but on a thread this week he was talking about replacing "If you loved me you would" with some new skills. What do you think?

I wonder if this below applies? IIRC your DH is like my sister, the youngest and overcame difficult chronic medical problems, so my family has always done their best to try to compensate by showing extra care, but no one ever taught her she needed to be thoughtful of the rest of us, too. As an adult, it's made her life hugely difficult, she hasn't found the work success your DH has. But when any of us try to talk to her about it now she doesn't want to hear it. I am hoping that your H is more open to hearing things from you.

Quote:
From How to Meet the Need for Affection

Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel. This exercise simply teaches them how to show their wives the care that they've felt all along.

When your husband says that you do not accept the things he does for you, you should explain that you don't need the things he does nearly as much as you need things he isn't doing. You cannot appreciate things you don't need, it's only what you need that you appreciate.

He really does want to meet your needs, but hasn't learned how to do it. It probably makes him frustrated to think how much he cares about you, but has not been able to show it.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #335719
02/16/14 02:04 AM
02/16/14 02:04 AM
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*~aeri~* Offline OP
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I know what you're saying NED and everything you recall about my husband is true....

Last night I just did what everyone told me and I laid it out:

Even though Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday and everything is more expensive, I expect YOU to try to make it special, just as I tried to make it special by making a nice dinner. Since I feel that we've had a very stressful YEAR and last Valentine's Day was horrible, I wish you could have found a way to make tonight a bit more memorable than just an ordinary Friday night.

His response: (all crappy)

OH well...I guess you're like all the other illogical women who want their husbands to buy gifts on Valentine's Day. Point taken--next year I'll come home with flowers and chocolates since that's what you've wanted all along. I guess you just lied when you said that Valentine's gifts weren't necessary.

Me:

That's not what I said--I don't want you to buy a gift JUST BECAUSE you think you HAVE to. I've always bought you a card and something small, but this year, you went out of your way to make sure I wasn't even getting you a card.

Him:
That's because when you buy me a card and a gift, I feel bad that I didn't buy you anything.

Valentine's Day is stupid so I'll never buy you a Valentine's Day present unless you make an issue of it. We celebrate our love for each other EVERY DAY.

Me:

So why don't you bring me flowers on some other day of the year just as a surprise?

Him:

Why should I? You don't buy me gifts.

Me:

*sigh*

This is the circle that he speaks.

I buy him something for Valentine's day and it makes him feel bad. He celebrates my love every day, but never buys me a spontaneous gift. When I question that, he throws the ball in my court and asks why I don't buy him gifts...WELL, I bought him something for Valentine's Day every year for 8 years!

Blah. We still had a nice night but the conversation just ended up stupid....and just as I wrote this sentence, he came upstairs,brought me a drink, kissed me and said "Happy Valentine's Day" ...I love you...you work so hard (just spent the entire evening making T4 slips for one of my side clients)....

Maybe something got through to him last night...who knows?


Married my best friend 7/23/05



Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: *~aeri~*] #335721
02/16/14 02:22 AM
02/16/14 02:22 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Quote:
Why should I? You don't buy me gifts.


Because I want to be *crazy* in love with you wink


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: NewEveryDay] #335725
02/16/14 02:28 AM
02/16/14 02:28 AM
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Flamingo said it best: "It's not because it is important to YOU, its because it is important to ME"

"Showing ME that YOU care is important to ME"

364 days of the year are somewhat wanting, and then to completely BLOW off Valentines Day, because you have to raise your game some, is really sad.

It just adds to the lack of care.

Pretty harsh all that.

Learned something from it.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: SFB] #335733
02/16/14 03:33 AM
02/16/14 03:33 AM
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"I don't want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes."

Re: Advice for my husband.... [Re: catperson] #335734
02/16/14 04:11 AM
02/16/14 04:11 AM
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Telly Offline
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You know what I would have said at his (obnoxious) question about how he "guesses" you are just like all the other illogical women?

"You're right. I am. And I'm disappointed."

And then walked away.

Why do you have to keep explaining what he knows to be true? What he's really trying to do is convince you that what you want is stupid and there's no reason for it, and you don't do a lot for him and blah blah blah. Blah.

Words (and circles) to obfuscate (love that word) the issue.

You want gifts for Valentine's day, and he wants to be lazy.

Next year, if he tries to pull that crap again by telling you "we aren't celebrating Valentine's day", respond differently:

"Well, that would be a sad Valentine's day. I really want flowers and chocolates from my handsome and wonderful husband." (Big smile, walk away).

Your H can be like my H... sometimes they use words to get us off point so that they can evade whatever they don't want to deal with.

He made this whole thing about YOU, because you tried to discuss it with him!

No more discussions. Say what you want, and leave it at that. He knew perfectly well what you meant, and what you wanted.

He just didn't like it.

Edited to add:

If he can make you the problem, then he's off the hook... again...

Last edited by Telly; 02/16/14 04:13 AM.

Married 13 years
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