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Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: believer] #328707
12/30/13 05:46 PM
12/30/13 05:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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catperson Offline OP
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believer, you can always PM me if you want.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: believer] #328716
12/30/13 06:51 PM
12/30/13 06:51 PM
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Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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Cat, maybe this would be a good, safe place to start working through the toxic shame? Safer, perhaps, than trying to do it with your family? After all, you don't have to see any of us face-to-face.

We all know how hard it is to make changes. We've all been stuck in various places and just could not/did not/would not move forward. For me, it took a village - including you - to knock me out of that quagmire and into something better for me.

You've helped so many of us, I think we jumped on the bandwagon a little too hard to try to return the favor.

Don't sell yourself short. You are truly appreciated here.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: CajunRose] #334897
02/10/14 10:52 PM
02/10/14 10:52 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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It's nice to see you back smile

It also sounds like you are getting stronger at home. smile


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: CajunRose] #335426
02/13/14 05:44 PM
02/13/14 05:44 PM
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catperson Offline OP
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CR, I just decided to come back and stay in touch with a few people I feel attached to, that's all. Thanks.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #335479
02/13/14 08:58 PM
02/13/14 08:58 PM
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Telly Offline
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Telly  Offline
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Yay!

Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad.


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Telly] #388931
07/10/15 01:36 AM
07/10/15 01:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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NewEveryDay Offline
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NewEveryDay  Offline
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Cat, hon, you're an important part of this place. You have helped me find the strength to make some tough choices!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: NewEveryDay] #388932
07/10/15 01:38 AM
07/10/15 01:38 AM
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Posts: 10,120
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SmilingWife Offline
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I agree. Cat your insights ar great and you have a lot of great advise.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: SmilingWife] #388939
07/10/15 02:31 AM
07/10/15 02:31 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
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silentlucidity Offline
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You have helped me in so many ways, put that mirror up to my face and I appreciate it. Hang out, friend. Keep me honest.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #388946
07/10/15 03:06 AM
07/10/15 03:06 AM
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Blair Online
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I know I'm being so selfish... But, when my D is final and I can freely post stuff, I will really need your help conquering my demons and seeing where I can improve. I also appreciate those insights that I would have missed - but that seem so obvious and simple after you point them out.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Blair] #388954
07/10/15 03:25 AM
07/10/15 03:25 AM
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catperson Offline OP
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I appreciate it, guys, but apparently, I am too caustic to post here. I'm fully aware many people need to hear the plain truth - just like I did, and benefited from, when we were all at MB - but it's been made clear by many people here at MA that plain, crude, truth is not acceptable here. People here care more about political correctness and being nice. HERF made it quite clear that I wasn't allowed to say anything unless I was willing to put myself up to the same standards first. I thought I was being PC enough. I guess not. MA = gentle. I get it now. I can't do gentle, after 35 years of misery when trying to be gentle didn't work in my marriage.

Clearly I don't belong in this website. I thought I could fit in - and help - as long as I didn't post on my own thread and dare to say 'do as I say, not as I do,' as people like HERF said. I was wrong.

If I hadn't had some of the same people here pushing me back at MB to look at myself in the mirror, I'd have never achieved anything. But I get it. MA is built on being NICE. On not hurting people's feelings. On not pushing people to look in the mirror, as I was forced to do at MB - and which was the ONLY thing that helped me fix things. But that's not what MA is all about. I get it now. Tried a second time and got my butt whipped a second time. I get it. I wish you all luck. I'm done. You'll all be fine. You have other, more gentle people to help you.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #388955
07/10/15 04:12 AM
07/10/15 04:12 AM
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LivingWell Offline
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I read back a couple pages of this thread and found this, posted not long before a hiatus...

Quote:
Whatever, I get it. I shouldn't have left. I already said I shouldn't have left, but my flight reflex took over because I was expecting my seat to still be there and was surprised, and just reacted.

... and I'm wondering if your flight reflex is taking over now. I'm also wondering if you might be better served to ride it out instead of leave MA. You can always leave later if you discover it's not an issue now.

Just a thought.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: LivingWell] #388956
07/10/15 05:13 AM
07/10/15 05:13 AM
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Blair Online
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It is your choice to stay or go, Cat. But I like straight-talkers. You and several others said it like it was when I first started posting. It was you and some others here and some close family members who helped me see how bad the abusive situation I was in really was - and what I could do to help ME. And I desperately needed that clarity. Had I not seen that, I would have sunk deeper in crap and fallen for more garbage believing it was all my fault. You have a gift: to be able to say in 2 or 3 words what the real deal is!

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Blair] #388962
07/10/15 03:42 PM
07/10/15 03:42 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,459
Pacific NW
Kittycat Offline
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Hey i too almost got bounced out for mis wording of a post. Cat if you go...and i go....it will be pretty NICE around here. Maybe it should be called MN, Marriage Niceness. Most of the men have been driven off here by someone...perhaps man haters. I wish you would not leave. But i do understand since i am on probation and one more wrong word or thought and i will be banished!!!!!


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Blair] #388971
07/10/15 04:02 PM
07/10/15 04:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
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silentlucidity Offline
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Cat, I LOVE the honesty! It's refreshing! I miss many of the men who used straight talk and also found their brand of honesty was too brutal for this place. I'm not here all that often due to work constrains but every now and then I find I still need to check myself and have a good long look in the mirror.

I also haven't seen multiple people telling you to get lost. So, you don't get through to everyone and not everyone likes your style. That's ok. That's real life. Move on, let it go. It's also ok if you leave MA. Not good for the rest of us, but I can understand the decision.

Take care, Cat. Much respect

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #388974
07/10/15 04:11 PM
07/10/15 04:11 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Oh hell, I wasn't telling you to "get lost" or to "go away" or that you shouldn't post here!!

I was asking for a VERY SPECIFIC concession. That's ALL I asked for. And that's all I want. Hell, I didn't even ask Cat to stop posting on my thread! And for the record, I don't mind if she continues to post there. She's been super helpful to me in the past. I just need a little LESS pressure and a little MORE support right now. So I asked for what I needed.

And now I'm going to ask Cat not to go. There are lots of people here who need what she has to give. And I'm very sorry if what I posted made her feel otherwise. That was NOT what I was trying to say or imply. I was only trying to get what I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #388977
07/10/15 04:22 PM
07/10/15 04:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,459
Pacific NW
Kittycat Offline
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Cat i feel similar to you in some ways. I try very hard to post my truth to others. I Spend time and energy here because i care about people. Often they cannot accept it. I bet there are basically a few posters who simply dislike me. These posters have openly insulted me rudely saying many rude things like they were totally sick of my ways of posting, etc....they are like like big fat bullies in a playground.....and It really hurt my feelings. It hurt also that these insulting things thrown at me were not flagged but tiny things or mis wordings of mine were....jumped on and quiclkly flagged......and re flagged.


This is me and not you...though ...you arent flagged and are well liked.

Perhaps troubled unhappy people tend to dislike me. I feel now that i do not have one inch of rope left in my posts wheras many others in the "in crowd" can get away with a lot. But that is how life is, right? Unfair. I am usually not appreciated even if some things i say help someone. I have this desire to help.....who knows why.......it is not always Good for ME....trying to help others....

Last edited by Kittycat; 07/10/15 04:32 PM.

Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Kittycat] #388978
07/10/15 04:23 PM
07/10/15 04:23 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,459
Pacific NW
Kittycat Offline
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Kittycat  Offline
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Cat, i need you!!!!!!! if it is Mirandas post, really she was just giving you one simple boundary which was probably very hard for her to do. It is difficult for me to set boundaries myself!!! But you are sensitive like me so it hurt you...please try and not take it personally....if you go i may go too....

Last edited by Kittycat; 07/10/15 04:29 PM.

Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Miranda] #388980
07/10/15 04:29 PM
07/10/15 04:29 PM
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Marta Offline
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I thought what you said was perfectly reasonable, Miranda. You did not tell her not to post, just that you couldn't handle it in your current state of mind.

I think something else must be going on.. I don't always like her blunt way of posting, but I think she is valuable. Like my therapist said, if your reaction is way out of proportion to the event, look at why you had that reaction.

Originally Posted By: Miranda
Oh hell, I wasn't telling you to "get lost" or to "go away" or that you shouldn't post here!!

I was asking for a VERY SPECIFIC concession. That's ALL I asked for. And that's all I want. Hell, I didn't even ask Cat to stop posting on my thread! And for the record, I don't mind if she continues to post there. She's been super helpful to me in the past. I just need a little LESS pressure and a little MORE support right now. So I asked for what I needed.

And now I'm going to ask Cat not to go. There are lots of people here who need what she has to give. And I'm very sorry if what I posted made her feel otherwise. That was NOT what I was trying to say or imply. I was only trying to get what I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: Kittycat] #388981
07/10/15 04:34 PM
07/10/15 04:34 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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In all fairness, Miranda didn't ask cat to leave MA, however, the wording of the post did suggest cat not "help" you anymore, which would lead any rational person to intuit that this means to get.

You were also just being honest, Miranda. It's a good thing to have these conflicts. Even better to work through them. Meh. Not under my control.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: silentlucidity] #388986
07/10/15 04:43 PM
07/10/15 04:43 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: silentlucidity
It's a good thing to have these conflicts. Even better to work through them.

That's one of the things that I love about group dynamics.... the opportunity to work through them even for those who are just reading along.

A similar thing happens in IRL groups. There is a saying in IRL therapy groups that when one person works, everyone works. One thing that is different in IRL groups compared to online groups is that there is a lot less opportunity for what is called "potshots" to go unaddressed. In IRL groups, "potshots" can often start identifying issues that have interfered in someone's life in an ongoing manner.

I see the situation that is happening now as wonderful opportunities for all of us to continue on our paths to personal recovery. Just call me Pollyanna. smile

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: LivingWell] #389056
07/10/15 09:03 PM
07/10/15 09:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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catperson Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: LivingWell
I read back a couple pages of this thread and found this, posted not long before a hiatus...

Quote:
Whatever, I get it. I shouldn't have left. I already said I shouldn't have left, but my flight reflex took over because I was expecting my seat to still be there and was surprised, and just reacted.

... and I'm wondering if your flight reflex is taking over now. I'm also wondering if you might be better served to ride it out instead of leave MA. You can always leave later if you discover it's not an issue now.

Just a thought.
Ordinarily, I'd agree with you. But I've had several people here now tell me that my 'method' is at least not helpful, at worst harmful, or that I don't have a right to post if I won't follow my own advice first. Over several years. So I'm going to take their word for it and assume there's something in me that's not a good fit for here. Maybe I'm not 'gentle' enough or maybe I'm not empathetic enough, IDK. I'd just rather stay away than make more people feel bad.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #389062
07/10/15 09:23 PM
07/10/15 09:23 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: LivingWell
I read back a couple pages of this thread and found this, posted not long before a hiatus...

Quote:
Whatever, I get it. I shouldn't have left. I already said I shouldn't have left, but my flight reflex took over because I was expecting my seat to still be there and was surprised, and just reacted.

... and I'm wondering if your flight reflex is taking over now. I'm also wondering if you might be better served to ride it out instead of leave MA. You can always leave later if you discover it's not an issue now.

Just a thought.
Ordinarily, I'd agree with you. But I've had several people here now tell me that my 'method' is at least not helpful, at worst harmful, or that I don't have a right to post if I won't follow my own advice first. Over several years. So I'm going to take their word for it and assume there's something in me that's not a good fit for here. Maybe I'm not 'gentle' enough or maybe I'm not empathetic enough, IDK. I'd just rather stay away than make more people feel bad.


If having to take your own advice was a requirement for posting we would have very few posters. wink Hold would be out on his ear. (said with affection Hold)

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: SmilingWife] #389096
07/11/15 01:07 AM
07/11/15 01:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
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holdingontoit Offline
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SW: No problem. I am the poster boy for do what I say and not what I do.

Cat, you are always free to leave. We would miss you. But do not be confused. Even those who on the surface do not enjoy reading your posts are often the ones who learn something from you. You are valuable. Even if some people do not perceive the value at first reading.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #389112
07/11/15 02:53 AM
07/11/15 02:53 AM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson
But I've had several people here now tell me that my 'method' is at least not helpful, at worst harmful...

For them. At that particular time.

Not for everyone. And not every time.


Quote:
I'd just rather stay away than make more people feel bad.

I see it as an opportunity for people to speak up for themselves. Like Miranda did. Or not, for their own reasons.

The title of your thread is about learning to talk. Perhaps you're not the only one working on that.

I'm not trying to talk you out of leaving. Whenever I have left for a while, part of my personal recovery work was figuring out why I was taking a break. It was amazing how often I recognized those very things in my life on my break when I hadn't before then.

Sometimes I stayed away until I had worked through those issues; other times it was necessary to come back in order to work through them.

Re: I'm learning to talk [Re: catperson] #389124
07/11/15 06:33 AM
07/11/15 06:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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HI
Hey CP,

I haven't read all of this thread but pop in every so often. If I get the gist of this, I am very sad.

You like so many others are valuable posters that have helped not some but many. Many, many, many........

Have we sometimes got our rough ways? But are we helping clean up a spill or a splat in someone's life? Maybe some scrubbing is needed to make their vessel shine so they can have the confidence to move forward with grace and dignity.

I for one progressed well with honest and sometimes harsh posting. For those that know me my poster name Orchid may sound pretty but orchids are quite enduring flowers. Besides being my favorite flower I am amazed at the longevity of this plant and felt that is what I needed to be able to become in order to survive.

I am forever grateful for the folks who helped me during my darkest times. Peppermint, WN, SNC, Star and many others from the old MB forum were the ones that invested in me with their time and wisdom and you know what? I never regretted it. I am forever in their debit.

CP, I know there are many that feel the same way about you. You and I have partnered a time or 2 when helping some newbies. I was able to advance a point after you laid a foundation of support. I liked that.

So, how can I help you stay? Not meaning to be pushy but I can try, right? smile

Hugz,
Orchid

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