Solo Partnership, Repairing your Relationship on your own by Phil Deluca .

Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
There can be no Pain Free Solution.
Changes must be the appropriate changes.
Who must change? - Only one person - YOU!

Chapter 2 Self Deception
False Hope - Unrealized Expectations.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reativity
Old Brain vs New Brain
Communications

Chapter 4 Being Defensive
Chapter 5 Togetherness
Balancing I and We

Chapter 6 Who is to Blame
Stating your position without Blaming
Venting to your Partner - not when marriage is in turmoil
Clearly stating your "I" position
Confronting yourself

Chapter 7 Using your Anger constructively
Anger = Unrealized Expectations

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance**************
The most important chapter in the book
For every action there is a reaction
80% of Men are sexual pursuers and emotional distancers
The more you pursue the further the distancer moves away.
Pursurers and Distancers exist in almost all relationships
How to stop pursuit and distance - must come from the pursuer.
Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much they are pursued
Traits of Distancers and Pursurers

Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit
Never pursue a distancer
Different phases of distance and pursuit

Conclusion Separation and Reconcilliation
Do not drop your changes

This book really excited me and really brought together the concepts that we learn.
Detachment is key to not pursuing.
The traits in Chapter 8 really help me in what changes I need to make in ME!
Phil Deluca is the first person who really explained what "the changes" are that you need to make when you look in the mirror.
It is not going on a diet or to stop smoking. (although you can do those too)
It is stop your pursuit!!!!

Never heard of this one, but it does sound interesting. Will check it out on Amazon. Thanks, Rich.

Hi Rich,

I am curious about the phrases I've bolded in blue above. Could you please elaborate a bit more. My intrigue evolves from 32 years of being detached and desiring to be pursued. How does that fit with Deluca's concepts?

Thanks,
Ace

Great question ACE.

I think that what I wrote may apply more to me
and most people I have seen on the boards I have been on.
The first question is are you the distancer or the pursuer?
According to Deluca we are all distancers in certain traits and pursuers in others.
It is also kind of a see saw.
So when you do push down, the other side goes up and vice versa.
So Ace I don't really know your sich, other than you are reconciled with you husband.
But as you know all relationships are give and take or pursuit and distance.
So are you emotionally detached?
Sexually detached?
In which of the areas do you want to be pursued?

If I get a chance later in the week I will try to copy the list of traits listed in the book.
It has each trait and what it means to be a pursuer or a distancer.
It is a few pages long and will take a bit of typing on my part.
Please let me know before I do that if I will be violating any forum rules by doing so?

Let me also add in my own .02 that later in life we all become the opposite of what we have been for most of our lives.
Both men and women.
Their is a science to that that I don't want to get into right now.
But hopefully you will agree, if not we can discuss it.

Sounds really interesting look forward to hearing more.. I suspect my H is distancer and Im a pursuer (well not any more), but I'd like to be pursued occasionally, going distant just results in H thinking some thing is wrong not chasing me

I think this will make an intriguing discussion. Thanks in advance for your time.

Ace

I have been looking for one but I have not found it yet.
I did get this book from the library but it was an inter-library loan that took like 3 months to come in.
It was printed in 1996 and I would swear the book looked almost brand new, like it had only been read 2 or 3 times.
But it has been highly recommended by some people I know online.
I must say I have read about 25 or 30 books so far and I rank it close to the top of the ones that I have read.

FYI, I've updated my "spACE Cadet Gazette" blog with my story in addition to the timeline and screen play prequel posted earlier on my blog.

Ace

Just want to give the correct title in case anyone else wants to look this up:

Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own [Paperback]
Phil Deluca (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/Solo-Partner-Repai...mp;sr=1-1-fkmr0

Thanks FM you are correct that I messed up the name of the book.
OHHHHH midlife brains for mush........

The following is from the book The Solo Partner.

SHOULD ALL BE IN QUOTES

TRAITS

Emotional Distancer (predominatly male)

SEXUAL STYLE: Pursuit

SENSE OF SELF: On the surface, aggrandized self; strongly individualistic.
In reality, pseudo-individualitic. Individualistic only in a supportive environement, such as at home, in presence of, but but unresponsive to, his partner.
Does things in his own way, through defiance or passive resistance.
A leader and self-initiator.
Sees the world as centered on himself. Tries to be the center of attention. Feels unappreciated.
Overly self concerned and self protective; always looking out for self. Difficulty perceiving others point of view.
Prefers independent activities with buddies not organized group activities. Chooses to be different for its own sake.
Experiences his individuality to the exclusion of relationship.

TRUST: Highly suspicious of others and relationships with them.
Pessimistic about other's motives.

EMOTIONS: Primarily object oriented. Relates to and puts material things first, feeling and people second.
Results in an overemphasis on thinking and logic.
Fear emotions and emotionality. Avoids them.
Unemotional, and affect is elusive. Impossible to tell his feelings by looking at or listening to him.
Only emotions expressed regularly is anger.
Either explosively and briefly or passive-agressively, as if he's not angry when he really is.
Self-gratifing and unresponsive.
Little sympathy for, or empathy with others.
Feels little for others or self.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Overprotective. Needs a lot of "space"

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Lacking

SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY: Underresponsible; feels little resposibility for his situation or relationship.
Tends to blame others.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) behaving like a baby.

CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Lacks insight and/or follow-through.
Inability to adjust. Clings rigidly to position regardless of circumstances.
Resists direct change. Tends to evolve rather than cjhanging directly in response to circumstances.
Will change when faced with loss of significant other.
Rejects advice, couseling. Solutions must come from self.
Frustrates others' efforts to change them.

RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Tends to be overly "patient"
Procrastinates. Avoids facing relationship problems.
Prone to relationship paralysis.

PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: Little variation. Tends to be reasonable, but boring. Depends on their pursurer for highs and lows.

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: Expects the pursurer to always be there. Prone to despair and self-pity when not fulfilled.

PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Avoidance. Seeks peace, avoids emotional crises. Believes if you ignores a problem long enough it will go away.

CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Strives to maintain central position to protect self from getting hurt.
Manipulates enviornment to meet their needs.

DECISION MAKING: Decisions made and then clung to regardless of changes in cicumstances.

VIEW OF LOVE: Overemphasizes practical aspects. Minimal expression of love, sharing, or romance, expect when courting or pursuing a distancing partner.

TYPICAL BELIEF: Love is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills.

SEXUALTIY: Physical enjoyment takes precedence over caring.
Sex seen as conquest or performance, not shared experience.
Objectifies Partner.

SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with objects, e.g. sports, cars, house(for prestige), work, sexual liasons(conquest), alcohol.

SELF-DECEPTION: Believes overemphasis on individuality brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment. Fears emotional closeness.
Believes they can evade a pursurer.

DEMEANOR: In later years: boring to be involved with. Arrogant, cynical, pessimistic, negative. Prone to self-pity.
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Appears emotionless. Dark circles under eyes.

GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Denial of problem.
Avoidance of relationship issues.

TYPICAL STATEMENT: "I like myself the way I am and you should too. If you don't like me the way I am, you're free to leave.
I give you a comfortable life, don't sleep around - what more do you want?"
_____________________________________________________________

I am not guaranteeing that there are no typos in this.

The following is from the book The Solo Partner.

SHOULD ALL BE IN QUOTES

TRAITS

Emotional Pursuers (predominatly female)

SEXUAL STYLE: Distance

SENSE OF SELF: Strongly non-individualistic.
Has difficulty being alone or acting independently for any length of time.
Rarely does things on own.
Primarily does what others want.
Tends to be clinging and overly anxious.
A follower.
Depends on others for guidance.
Sees the world as centered on others "Gives to get"
Feels taken for granted.
Overly Concerned and protective of others.
Always looking out for others never for self.
Overly Adaptative. Chooses to be like others or to yield for the sake of unity.
Feels empty without interaction with others.
Constantly seeking love, approval, and appreciation.
Will give up individuality for the sake of relationship.

TRUST: Tends to be naive about relationships. Optomistic about other's motives.
Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of.

EMOTIONS: Primarily people and feeling oriented.
Places these above material things.
Seeks out emotions and emotionality.
Overemotional and effect is heightened.
Openly shows feelings to everyone.
Expresses a full range of emotions.
Frequently intensely expressive, at the expense of thought or reason.
Overinvolved with others.
A Codependent.
Overly sympathetic and empathetic.
Heightened response to others.
Avoids pain,Tries to protect others from the consequences of their behavior.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Ill defined. May be nosy, intrusive.
Always has to know whats going on with everyone in the family at all times.

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Immaturely applied

SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY:Overly responsible; Assumes to much resposibility for the relationship.
Assumes solution is in their power with sufficient effort.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) when tending to others. Tends to infantilze others.
Is a "rescuer"

CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Insight into others, but little into self.
Often held back by looking for explanations.
Much talk of change while still passive.
Changes made to appease. Avoids significant change because of anticipated pain and lack of approval.
Wants prior guarantees.
Open to direct change. Overly amenable.
Fears taking a stand and dealing with consequences.
Believes problems must be dealt with instantly.
Seeks advice, counseling.
Open to offered solutions via own efforts.

RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Overly impatient.
Cannot delay dealing with problems. Lacks restraint; impulsive.

PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: High peaks and deep lows.
Depends on the distancer for stability.

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: High Expectations of others, low for self.
Believes they "exprct nothing in return" but hold expectations no one could fulfill.
Prone to resentment, bitterness in later years.
Very critical of others

PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Emotional engagement.
Seeks emotionally charged, reactive situations.
Uncomfortable in calm situations.
Tends to provoke reactivity and crises. Generates worry about about everyone and everything.

CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Controls to protect others from themselves.
Manipulates controls others through guilt, advice, retaliation, criticism and or/submissiveness.
Acts for others "own good." Feels powerless and ultimately incapable. Seeks someone to exert control for and over them.

DECISION MAKING: Difficult, confused, inconsistent. Depends on others to make decisions(parents, partner)

VIEW OF LOVE: Overly romantic. Overlooks practical aspects of relationship.

TYPICAL BELIEF: Love conquers all.

SEXUALTIY: Caring for the partner takes precedence over physical enjoyemnt. sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner.

SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with family, house(for approval), sexual liasons (to feel cared for), medications, particularly tranquilzers

SELF-DECEPTION: Believes living for an extension of partner brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment.
Believes they can catch a distancer.

DEMEANOR: Assumed invulnerability. Self righteous. In later years bitter, cold, emotionally and physically fatigued. Prone to martydom.

FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Stress lines(from turmoil, anger) Fatigued look (from pursuit)

GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Inability to remain univolved, particularly with own children.

TYPICAL STATEMENT: "All I ever needed was a home a
nd to be loved. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep everyone happy.If they really cared about me, they would know what I want"
_______________________________________________________________

That completes it. Post away. Any questions or comments?

Thanks for all your re-keyboarding efforts, Rich. I read the reviews on the link but now that you've outlined the author's main concepts, I'll try to glean enough to ask intelligent questions. Thanks in advance for your patience.

Again, I appreciate your posting this.

Ace

No problem Ace, one other thing is I changed some of the "he's" and "she's" to "they" being that when I read these I put myself in the pursurer category which is predominatly female.

I know I am not female.....LOL.

It also was a help to me writing all this out as I am still evaluating all of these traits to place myself and my wife within each category.

Fascinating experiment, Rich. I think I'll use the color red for my H (Pre-MB/recovery) and green for me. If we are both equally dominant in an aspect, I'll use blue. I think I'll print this and see what my H's perspective is. Could be revealing.



As I mentioned, my responses above relate to my perception of our R before he cheated and we began to seek wisdom/knowledge/changes together. This shows me/us how far we've come. Kinda scary but exciting at the same time.

Sorry but I'll have to do the next one later.

Thanks, Rich,
Ace

Well Ace from what you posted so far I would say your H fits right in with the profile that 80% of the men are in.
So no big surprises so far.
Your H was a distancer.

Now were you a pursurer?

We shall see in the next post.

I'm sure I was for the first 30 years of our M. The problems arose when we both became distancers after I gave up.

I'll finish the details of your second part this weekend.

Thanks,
Ace

mine is distancer i am pursurer

the book is not sold anywhere pretty much

tink

Hiya Tink,

I guess it doesn't matter if the book is out of print since Rich seems kind enough to retype much of it.

Have you checked your local library or discount book store?

Ace

Testing....testing....CHECK! CHECK!

*****

I am an idiot.
I started my reply in the display box and somehow lost it.
Now I'm doing what I've always known to do and replying via a word doc but I need to see what transfers and what does not so I don't waste any more time being an idiot.

***

Dang, it looks like I need to add color and strikethroughs once I c/p my word doc. If anyone has any tips on how to write something in a word doc and have all the color and font prompts cut/paste with the copy, please PM me ASAP!

I'll be back.

Ace

It took me close to three months to get this book through inter-library loan.

The part that I typed is the best part.
You are correct!
Chapters 7 & 8 on pursuit and distance.

Thanks for this experience, Rich. By dissecting our marital history (using these concepts and other resources) it helps me (and hopefully us) to see how we've been able to experience, endure and overcome difficulties in our marriage. This eventually will help us help others so their M's will not have to undergo what we did, and what eventually led to my H's E/PA and my multiple ‘almost' EAs.

Here's part 2. I'm using the same colors as above: Red for H, Green for me and Blue if it applies to both of us equally. As before, this is based on my perceptions PRE A (the first 30 years of our M).




Again, thanks for this, Rich. Looks like I'm typical, too, eh?

Ace

P.S. I may repost these on my blog if that's OK. I've spent hours on this and tried to recall my honest perceptions. Hopefully I've been consistent with my Pre-A reality that's shared on my blog, which is the main reason I may repost this. The second reason is to seek personal feedback and not clutter up this book section. The third reason is because there's more time to edit in the blog section (and my edit clock here may run out while I get going on our Christmas stuff :wreath: :candycane:).

No problem with me.

Now sorry to ask this question but has this changed present day?
You could just answer with a few words rather than going through this whole excercise again.Or answer on your blog.

I am still trying to figure all this out, as I would guess that most BS are pursuers and their spouses are distancers.
But I don't know what happens to those dynamics later on.

Thanks for taking the time to do this.

And thanks for asking, Rich. I will answer on my blog after I've transfered both of my posts.

The short answer, however, is YES, most of this has changed...thank GOD!

Ace

Ace, where is your blog? And how on earth did you two stay together? Mine has distanced himself like he is in deep nc plan b, although I am in plan b. So I don't know if he thinks I am done, who knows.

This is an odd place to be.

tink

Tink, it's a miracle of sorts that we are still together... and things are better than ever before, I might add.

Here's the link to my blog spACE cadet gazette which has most of my story on it.

Feel free to post any questions you may have right on my blog.

Thanks for asking.

Ace

Bumping this up because I just had it moved out of the Thunderdome.

And it is one of my favorite books.

Whooooah! I think this is a record. I killed your thread over 2 years ago but it's been resurrected!

Can't re-read this now but it will be interesting to see if my perceptions have changed in the past 2 years.

Thanks for moving it out of the TD.

Nice discussion. I have been away from the board for a while. As the author of The Solo Partner, I would be glad to answer any questions.