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Not really sure how to survive #2950
09/14/10 03:04 AM
09/14/10 03:04 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2
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blinsided&broken1 Offline OP
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blinsided&broken1  Offline OP
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My husband came home one night in June and told me that he was unhappy but not giving up on us, well, a week and a half later he decides that he has to move out....then about 2 weeks after that he tells me that he wants to be separated...well on Aug 23 I found out that he was involved with a girl from work,needless to say I was/am devastated...I just dont understand what happened. We have been married for 18 years and most of that has been wonderful. I don't know where we are heading, and he doesn't know what he wants. We have 3 kids and they are all reeling from this. He tells me that he made a very bad mistake, that he is sorry, that he was hurting so much that he had an affair...he is embarassed..then why is he still seeing her, and what is he thinking??? He says that he doesn't know if he is in love with me (cop out). He is not himself at all. He still dosnt look happy, he says that he is not ready for marriage counseling, however he is starting individual counseling on Wednesday, He is so angry, we can't even talk without him cussing me out... I just dont know what to do...I just want my life back....

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #2953
09/14/10 03:10 AM
09/14/10 03:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,448
Ness
Lil Offline

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Lil  Offline

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Ness
{{{blindsided&broken}}}

welcome to MA, I am so sorry for the circumstances that have bought you here.

Could you please clarify for me if your WH (wayward husband) is still living at home with you, or not. Also how old are your children?


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: Lil] #2959
09/14/10 03:18 AM
09/14/10 03:18 AM
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blinsided&broken1 Offline OP
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blinsided&broken1  Offline OP
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He is living 3 miles from us at his parents. Our children all girls are 18, 14, and 9. We have kept the OW from the 18 yr old, she just started college in August and she is 4 hours away. I don't want her to have to deal with anything else right now, she is already angry about him leaving...she would most likely never talk to him again if she knew about the OW.

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #2963
09/14/10 03:22 AM
09/14/10 03:22 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,448
Ness
Lil Offline

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Lil  Offline

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Ness
I assume from this that the children and his parents knows that infidelity is involved?

There are several infidelity programmes used by members on MA. MOST of us have found marriagebuilders.com to be the best for the betrayed wife in supporting her during her husbands affair. Many of the 'plans' there feel counter intuitive, but generally have very good results.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: Lil] #2965
09/14/10 03:24 AM
09/14/10 03:24 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,448
Ness
Lil Offline

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Lil  Offline

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Ness
As an 18 year old, it would be better for your DD to know why her father has moved out. Her anger will not be significantly changed by the additional information, and may help her understand the situation. Even at a mature age, children tend to blame themselves for parental separation. By knowing of her dad's affair, it may help her see it is his selfish choices leading to the marital breakdown, and nothing to do with her.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: Lil] #2968
09/14/10 03:27 AM
09/14/10 03:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,981
star*fish Offline
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star*fish  Offline
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blindsided,

This is such a sad story, but one familiar to the people here. Almost all of us have been through the pain of infidelity and survived. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, don't give up. Are his parents aware of what's going on? Is the other woman married?


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: star*fish] #2978
09/14/10 03:53 AM
09/14/10 03:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,066
2long Offline
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2long  Offline
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Hi blindsided:

I think you should tell your eldest daughter. One thing 2 remember while you are going through this, particularly at this point in time, just after "d-day" (discovery of the affair day) is that you and your daughters will have a tendency 2 blame themselves for what your H is doing. Or, you'll believe that telling your daughter will cause her unnecessary pain.

First, people have affairs because they want 2, or because they're 2 weak 2 protect themselves and their families from their own temptations. Nothing the betrayed spouse (BS) does "causes" the WS (wayward spouse) 2 cheat. There may be issues in the marriage that need addressing, but that will never excuse the choice 2 have an affair.

2nd, telling the truth doesn't cause the suffering, it's the lies (that sustain an affair in the first place) that do. Consequently, it's in the affairees' best interest that everyone keep their relationship a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and tend 2 whither when exposed 2 the light of day.

If you do visit the marriagebuilders discussion forum, be aware that you may be advised 2 do "nuclear exposure" - tell everyone everything - but that might not be the best way 2 proceed. Many of us here did phone coaching with the marriagebuilders coaches, and I think we'd all tell you that they recommended a more tactical approach 2 putting pressure on the affair, by exposing only 2 people close 2 the affairees who can help persuade them 2 end it and recommit 2 their families.

please take care,
-ol' 2long

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: 2long] #3055
09/14/10 08:53 AM
09/14/10 08:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
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Larry  Offline
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As you have probably figured out, there are dozens of folks here who are very familiar with the Marriage Builder program. And they are also familiar with various other plans which have value in certain situations. This site exists to cover the range of plans for a great marriage, including recovery from infidelity, and does not focus on just one, no matter how great that particular plan might be.

Please be aware that affairs follow a script, almost as if written in Hollywood. You will find dozens of women here who have walked in your shoes and can help you. You will also find men here who have walked in your husband's shoes and understand him; who have also recovered from their stupid and know the route.

Tell us what is going on. People here care about you and your kids. All of us have had to endure the sordid world of an affair on one side or the other. And we want to help you in your time of need.

One great way to start your recovery back to whatever normal life awaits you, is to buy the book, Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley and read it. There are folks here who are experts on that book and can help you with it, plus other books that will be recommended as time goes on. Your world has been turned upside down and it is going to take time for you and the kids to recover.

And it is going to be overwhelming at times, which makes this place a good refuge for you.

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #3107
09/14/10 12:48 PM
09/14/10 12:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,416
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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b&b. My H betrayed me this way four years ago, after 37 years of marriage. I was devastated and without hope, like you. But I was wrong--there was hope. We are more happily married today than we ever were before, so take heart.

I know this is a horrible, crazy time for you. You only learned the truth a few weeks ago and it will take time to process it. Most of us here have lived the shock and pain of infidelity and understand what you're going through. You will survive it. It's just going to take time...and keeping your head while your husband appears to be losing his.

As crazy as your emotional state feels right now, what you're going through is a normal reaction to this trauma. What can help you most is stepping back a bit from the drama he has created and using your HEAD to learn, and to figure out what to do. Your H is not thinking clearly right now, and much of what he says will be hurtful babble that will be contradictory, and often won't make much sense, even when he appears to be speaking with great conviction. When his head clears, he will likely forget most of the things he is saying now. Hard to believe, when those things hurt you so much, but it's true. Lots of us have experienced this. The very potent brain chemicals operating in him at the moment indeed make him "not himself at all." You will see folks here refer to our mates when they were in this state as "aliens." Might as well be, for the way they behave.

He's told you he "made a very bad mistake," he's "sorry," he is "embarrassed." All those things are true. At least, some of the time. Other times when he says things like he "was hurting so much he had an affair" what he's doing is justifying behavior he knows is wrong. See the internal conflict here? He will have to process that too, and he will, in time. You can't do that work for him.

This is important for you to know: He isn't in love with this woman (although he may have moments when he thinks he is, which is why he thinks he cannot be in love with you. Tremendous confusion in him now). Problem is, he is addicted to the feel-good brain chemistry an affair creates when it mixes with the problems inside himself he's trying to avoid. This is why he is still seeing her.

This woman is NOT special, and she does not compare to you. He simply loves how he feels about himself when she boosts his flagging ego, or gives him whatever it is he's looking for (and feels he wasn't getting from you). This does not mean you caused him to have an affair! Oh, no. He is 100% responsible for that choice. Notice anything he says that implies that you are to blame and mentally flag it as bull****, because that's what it is. Don't get hooked into arguments about this--it will do you no good. In fact, don't argue with him about anything. It only helps him justify what he's doing (See? My wife doesn't understand me.") Don't try to "reason" him back into the marriage. He cannot be reasoned with--particularly by you--right now. All you can do is state, as calmly as you can, that this situation is not acceptable to you, and that it pains you deeply.

You have come to a good place for the information you'll need to get through this awful time, AND to reclaim your marriage. Know this: It really IS possible to put yourselves back together after the heartbreak of an affair, but it takes a lot of time, thought and changing the way you operate. Your H is not on board yet, but do not despair. Affairs almost always end. They are not stable relationships and are based on lies and fleeting feelings, not commitment and truth.

There's so much more we can share with you here that we've learned through experience. Please stay with us. Do get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley.(Amazon can get it to you in a couple of days.) It will help you understand the dynamic of an affair, and the part you can play in getting your marriage back on track.

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: Larry] #3110
09/14/10 12:54 PM
09/14/10 12:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
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believer Offline
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Welcome. I'm very hopeful if the marriage was basically a good one. He at least sounds like he knows that cheating is not a good thing.

I would start by calmly asking his parents for their support for your marriage. Tell them that you love your husband and would appreciate anything they could do to help you save your marriage.

He is still seeing the OW because he is addicted to the feeling of the affair. That is why he doesn't want marriage counseling (which would be a waste of money anyway with an active affair).
It is also why he is out of the home - so he can continue the affair uninterrupted.

Do the affairees work together?

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: believer] #3127
09/14/10 01:37 PM
09/14/10 01:37 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 247
Pacific Northwest
QueeniesAdventures Offline
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QueeniesAdventures  Offline
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{{{{{{{{{{{blinsided&broken1}}}}}}}}}}}}

Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this really horrible and hard place, but you have come to a place that can be very useful, amazingly enlightening and very supportive.

What you are going through is such a shock. One that we all have been through and have found the strength to walk through. As people as questions, please try to answer them so that you can give us the most information possible and help support you through this.

You can get through this. Sometimes you might have to find yourself being really brave in a very frightening situation, but if you can remember that we all have walked through this and truly understand.....


Married 1-1-84 - D-day 5/14/07 - Recovery 8/1/09
I came here as skinsgal and became Queenie because G-d had plans for me, plans to prosper me.

Word(s) of the Week: Improving Communication In Marriage
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #3145
09/14/10 02:14 PM
09/14/10 02:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 260
serendipitous Offline
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serendipitous  Offline
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Posts: 260
I am so sorry for your pain b&b. I too was left reeling when I learned of my H's A.

We are now in our third year of recovery. We are together, we're recovering nicely and we're actually very happy so please do not despair. You can, if you so choose, rebuild your relationship and end up with a great marriage.

What everyone has told you is right. This is not about the OW. This is about your H using the feelings his A creates in order to feel good about himself.

You will get great advice and support here. These people really know their stuff. Read the book suggested as soon as you can get hold of it. It will help you.

You will get through this. You will amaze yourself and find strength that you didn't know you possessed and in your weaker moments, just come here and we will support you.

If you can, please fill us in with what information you have about the A, and in particular, the OW - (Other Woman).


The sun never says to the earth "you owe me"
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky.
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #3298
09/14/10 08:24 PM
09/14/10 08:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17
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Justuss v1.0 Offline
Sockpuppet/Mirage
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17
How long has this affair been going on? What do you know about her? Is she married? Do they still work together?

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: serendipitous] #3300
09/14/10 08:32 PM
09/14/10 08:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
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OurHouse Offline
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Hi B&B. I am very sorry you are here.

Your husband sounds confused right now. He probably knows what he is doing is wrong, but has no clue how to make it "right". Something that seems so black and white to those of us who still reside in sanity-ville, isn't at all clear to those in the midst of an affair.

There are some good book recommendations in the "book" section of this website. Two I particularly like are "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley and "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" - Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. You are not at the "After" part yet...but you stand a very good chance of being there.

In my opinion as well as probably many others, putting off couples counseling for the moment, is probably a good idea. He needs to end his affair first. However, I think IC is an excellent idea. Just be sure that the counselor you choose is one who is a friend of the concept of marriage.

Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #3312
09/14/10 08:57 PM
09/14/10 08:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. My best advice right now is to grieve, let it out, then take a deep breath and square your shoulders. You are in for a ride.

The first thing I think you should do is document all of your feelings and what you think. This is just for you, so don't worry about wording, just making it complete and accurate. This will give you some ground work for sorting out your thoughts, and deciding the best way to communicate them.

The next thing I would advise you to do is set ground rules for communication. It isn't helpful to have communication if all he's going to do is verbally abuse you. How do you deal with it when he does?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: AntigoneRisen] #3475
09/14/10 11:59 PM
09/14/10 11:59 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 27
Lor Offline
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I, too, am sorry you are here because of your husband's infidelity. 12 years ago my H began an affair with a single co-worker and moved out to a friend's house. 10 years ago we reconciled and our marriage is very good. I doubt that 2 year lag is very comforting to you now, but what I hope for you here is that whether or not your marriage survives, you make it through this trauma.

His actions & behavior are pretty much out of your control, concentrate most of your energy on taking care of you and your kids and what is within your control.



Formerly Lor(Lor)
Married 27 years
Surviving the empty nest
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #3584
09/15/10 08:10 AM
09/15/10 08:10 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
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Orchid2 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2010
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HI
Originally Posted by blinsided&broken1
He is living 3 miles from us at his parents. Our children all girls are 18, 14, and 9. We have kept the OW from the 18 yr old, she just started college in August and she is 4 hours away. I don't want her to have to deal with anything else right now, she is already angry about him leaving...she would most likely never talk to him again if she knew about the OW.


BB1,

I am sorry u r having to deal with this mess but you are getting sage support here.

As for your children, make them part of your support group and you be theirs. Bond with your family now like never before because you will ALL need EACH OTHER to get through this mess.

Think of the OP (OW in your case) as a stranger who is out to mess with your family. The weakest link is the one with the loose pants.

Give that awful thought...... go protect your children. NOT by keeping them in the dark but being honest and truthful with them. They are old enough.....if your H (WS) won't tell them what he has been doing, you tell them and let them know it is for their protection they know that there is a person who wants to take away their family's possessions (people, home and things) and you must all know who it is and how to protect yourselves.

Then let them know their dad is not watching out for his family like he should so you each must be on the watch for each other and yourselves.

My son was 5 when H's A began. He turned 6 shortly after and within 6 months he wrote a letter to his father with some very pointed questions and statements that rocked H's world. Not enough to stop the A but enough to leave a lasting impression when he got his sanity back. He still has the letter.

My point is I told my son enough so he would know how to protect himself when I was not around. Not just "don't talk to strangers" but WHO the stranger was..... it was someone who wanted to take mom's place (my place). In our case the OW wanted our son t/b dropped off at night in a deserted parking lot with no adults around. Imagine that..... :mad: OW threatened to get me fired (OW did not work for my company), OW accused me of having an A with my FIL and more junk..... yep.... OW didn't just want the WS, she wanted to ruin my family and that included our son.

Later my son told me: "Mom, you know kids don't like to be lied to."

Wow, that boy could say so much with so few words.... I realized his message to me was NOT to leave him out wondering what was going on. He was informed enough to know and he understood how to act and react.

JMHO,
L.


Orchid
Re: Not really sure how to survive [Re: blinsided&broken1] #5949
09/23/10 07:41 PM
09/23/10 07:41 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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aphelion Offline
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I agree, tell your 18 yo daughter everything. She will eventually find out anyway. And her disgust with her father will help clear his fog.

I do not agree with exposure of less than biblical proportions. (2Long and I agree to disagree about this.) Prolonged and massive exposure eventually drove OP halfway across the country in my case. Visiting Armageddon upon an OP takes some planning and determination though. We can help.

You will survive. The trick is to live. We can help.


Well? How many things in the world are exactly eighteen minutes and twenty seconds long? - Arlo Guthrie

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