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Social Networking Sites and Infidelity #2757
09/13/10 04:01 PM
09/13/10 04:01 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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Didn't know where else to put this. I thought it would be a good topic to explore from different angles in a more open setting here *and* I'm using the keyword of the week. Multi-tasking at its finest.

I read a lot of posts about Facebook on that other site. I have a few mixed feelings about FB, but I'm mostly of the mind that a cheater has poor boundaries and will find an opportunity to cheat for whatever reason (needs not being met in marriage, bored, etc.), NOT because FB is handy.

I think the means of cheating have expanded through social networking sites, texting, Skype, etc., but the reasons have stayed the same. A marriage breaks down and ONE partner has poor boundaries. Someone could arrange a hook-up on LinkedIn if they were so inclined, and that's more of a business networking than a social networking site.

Thoughts?

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: OurHouse] #2758
09/13/10 04:03 PM
09/13/10 04:03 PM
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DFW, TX
TACticGAL Offline
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I agree 100%. FB & such are an excellent tool for someone with poor boundaries to meet someone to cheat with. But that person would probably end up cheating with someone they met IRL, too.


Let me not be so vain to think I'm the sole author of my victories and and a victim of my defeats. -- ze frank
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: TACticGAL] #2773
09/13/10 05:22 PM
09/13/10 05:22 PM
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Lifechoice Offline
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Originally Posted by theantichick
I agree 100%. FB & such are an excellent tool for someone with poor boundaries to meet someone to cheat with. But that person would probably end up cheating with someone they met IRL, too.


I agree 100%

I am a FWW, I am on fb and (gasp) have an old HS boyfriend as one of my friends. When I got the friend request I remember thinking "YIKES, now what?" Being 100% transparent I showed it to my DH and asked him what he thought. He said he was fine if I accepted it, as we would most likely see each other's comments on other pages since we were classmates. He also reminded me of his "line in the sand".

For me, permission to accept the friend request had NOTHING to do with the former boyfriend, but everything to do with the effort I have put into my marriage to regain trust. For my DH to say yes made me feel my effort was recognized and he did trust I would make the right decisions.

Had he said, no, I would have been disappointed. Not because I couldn't be friends with the old boyfriend, but that all my hard work didn't matter.

What I found and was not surprised is that being friends with my former boyfriend is no different than any of my other friends from HS. I have clear boundaries for what I discuss with anyone on fb. I know I would recognize in a heartbeat if lines were crossed and I would immediately unfriend him. It's actually been refreshing that we can coexist as friends just like anyone else on my page.

IMO, FB can be safe as long as a person has clear boundaries.

LC

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Lifechoice] #2832
09/13/10 08:13 PM
09/13/10 08:13 PM
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Aotearoa New Zealand
KiwiJ Offline
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My FB is such an open book lol. My friends are mainly MB or Surviving Infidelity people and family and old (girl) school friends.

To be honest LC I wouldn't have old HS boyfriends on as friends. I think that is dangerous. Maybe my thoughts are coloured by the fact that my A was with my old HS boyfriend.


Jen

FWW 18 month PA 2002-2003 (old HS boyfriend)
Happily Married :o)

I'm a bear of little brain and big words bother me.
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: KiwiJ] #2840
09/13/10 08:39 PM
09/13/10 08:39 PM
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Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
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My FB is open to J - not that he bothers... but I do have at least 3 ex-boyfriends on there, one of them fiancé....

In fact I sent the exfiance and his new one (also a FB friend) a link to MB, highlighting the basic concepts as an engagement present...

Risky???

Possibly... but being aware of that and avoiding pitfalls associated with the risk is what boundaries is about. Where is the challenge in a sterile environment?

ST awaits the very kind 2x4s


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Squeaky Tree] #2858
09/13/10 09:52 PM
09/13/10 09:52 PM
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Ness
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I wont 2x4 you ST. I remember when you first came to the other site and mentioned you have FB, a bunch of us all decided to befriend each other so as to make for more accountability. About a third of my FB friends are from MB/MA.

Anyway, Flick did not even have a social page when he started the A, he got one because PQ had one, and it was a way for them to make kissy's (puke) at each other on the quiet. However the workmates etc gave them a hard time so they set up a secret hotmail account.

The internet and cell phone HELPED them to have more frequent contact even after moving so far away from each other, but it was allowing those little steps of progression, from saying no to saying maybe that made the A happen, not technology.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: KiwiJ] #2865
09/13/10 10:17 PM
09/13/10 10:17 PM
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Lifechoice Offline
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Originally Posted by KiwiJ
My FB is such an open book lol. My friends are mainly MB or Surviving Infidelity people and family and old (girl) school friends.

To be honest LC I wouldn't have old HS boyfriends on as friends. I think that is dangerous. Maybe my thoughts are coloured by the fact that my A was with my old HS boyfriend.


My fb is an open book, too. I stay signed in and could care less who reads my page. Like the saying goes: Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing (or something like that, LOL)

Due to your history I can see how this situation could color your thoughts on the matter. smile

I understand fb has been a means for many A to develop, but to be honest there is nothing appealing to me about my old boyfriend. After my DH approved the "friending" I sat on the request for several days before I accepted it because I wanted time to think it through. I wanted to go into it with my eyes wide open. To be honest all I could remember about our relationship was what a crappy boyfriend he was back then. I suspect he felt the same about me smile


Last edited by Lifechoice; 09/13/10 10:19 PM. Reason: to fix a thought
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Lifechoice] #2876
09/13/10 11:25 PM
09/13/10 11:25 PM
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wiser_now Offline
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Honest to goodness, I hate Facebook. I joined for a grand total of four months, and that was only to touch base with my ex-H's family after their parents died and a few old friends I'd wanted to find. Found everyone I wanted, got emails and phone numbers and logged out for good. I know stuff's still there (that's what they say anyway) but I deleted my account and haven't gone on since (about five months ago). I know I'm in a massive, massive minority but it feels right to me.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: wiser_now] #3024
09/14/10 06:13 AM
09/14/10 06:13 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Aotearoa New Zealand
KiwiJ Offline
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KiwiJ  Offline
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Aotearoa New Zealand
I understand completely why some people don't like FB.

I think FB is definitely a dangerous tool in some hands, but so is working in a mixed sex environment, so is having recreational interests in a mixed sex environment, so is men and women being in the same place at the same time.

Infidelity predates all our modern networking tools. It's not called the "eternal triangle" for nothing.


Jen

FWW 18 month PA 2002-2003 (old HS boyfriend)
Happily Married :o)

I'm a bear of little brain and big words bother me.
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: KiwiJ] #4202
09/16/10 07:40 PM
09/16/10 07:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
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Not2fun Offline
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I grew up in a family that LOVES to play cards, specifically poker. My grandma taught all of her kids to play and it was nothing to find the whole family at the table on holidays, gatherings, and vacations having a great time. They only played for nickle, dime, and quarters, with a dollar being the highest limit. My parents passed that love onto my and my siblings.

Now, where we live we have those "Casino Boats". You know those places where they could put up a casino and gamble without turning the city into a "Las Vegas".

Anyways, for years, my mom's birthday and a couple whom my parents were extremely close with, birthdays are near each others and they always wanted to go to the boat. So go they did.

BUT.......

You won't catch my dad putting one bet on ANYTHING. Not a slot machine, not a Blackjack table. NOTHING.....He just walks around watching mom and friends play and does a lot of people watching....

Everyone thought is was because Dad is a pretty good, upstanding, moral person.

So one day, I asked him why he didn't participate. He replied...

"Not, you all know how much I love to play cards. The reason I don't play on the boat is because I am afraid that I would LOVE that as well. And knowing my limitations as a man, it probably wouldn't be long before I would become addicted. I CAN'T play on the boat.....its just too tempting....."

The moral being....KNOW your limitations.

Facebook can be used for good.....and EVIL......

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Not2fun] #4309
09/16/10 11:49 PM
09/16/10 11:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,064
Looking4 Offline
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This is going to sound... Well... Like I'm way too wound up but...

I like coming to Other Topics for fun, entertainment, and/or information. I come for subjects that aren't directly related to infidelity. Is there any way we can either change the title of this thread or move it elsewhere? I believe it's an interesting conversation and one worth having, but I'd selfishly like to have it elsewhere on the forum if OH and the others here are okay with that. Just so that when I click on "Other Topics", the word "Infidelity" isn't among the first I see.

I had FB. Then I closed my FB account for several months due to an apparent security blip. (I saw a post from FOM's W, that clearly related to something I had posted on a mutual friend's page, despite having her blocked.) I re-opened it when my job as manager of social marketing required I be on there. I re-opened it with H's blessing and un-friended all men who were former BFs (even ones I never kissed from junior high) and un-friended anyone else my H was uncomfortable with. I could never imagine myself now being inappropriate with another other man -- whether I knew him before or not -- but H being comfortable is most important.

I am FB friends with other men along with other women, my H, and Marriage Advocates and the accountability is there. I often leave it open and my H and I share stuff we see on FB.


Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Looking4] #4327
09/17/10 12:48 AM
09/17/10 12:48 AM
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Lifechoice Offline
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Quote
(I saw a post from FOM's W, that clearly related to something I had posted on a mutual friend's page, despite having her blocked.)


From what I understand even if have someone blocked it doesn't stop them from being able to see you on someone else's page.

There are a few of my coworkers I will not be fb friends with because I believe they still have contact with FOM. I have no idea if he has a fb or not, but if he does I don't want to see him or have him see me on someone else's page

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Lifechoice] #4336
09/17/10 01:09 AM
09/17/10 01:09 AM
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SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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I'm not a fan at all of FB or most "social networking" sites because when they are kept as private sanctuaries away from our spouse's eyes we are not just inviting trouble, we are already headed toward infidelity. They are pretty much the chat rooms of today for most people.

That said...

I just started a FB page of my own. I hope I can use it to communicate with people taking our DM class this fall and to pass along information on what we are doing to a wider audience, and hopefully, meet a few people in the "business" of helping couples build stronger marriages that I can swap ideas with and learn from.

Some of you have already visited me and my "friends" list will probably grow in coming days, at least I hope so.

I have no interest in the games. Don't have time. It takes me two hours or more to finish one post on the forums because work is totally nuts and getting worse daily and since my wife and I are doing more stuff together than ever before in our entire 37+ years together, I don't get much time when I get home either.

So...

I am still of the opinion that since most people DON'T protect their emotions from letting others into their lives in ways that can be detrimental to their marriages, I have always known that FB and places like that can be useful business tools and even have set up a FB page for our business at work so that we can network with other members of our local business alliance and various chamber members, primarily as an extended referral group, which I also belong to.

So see ya on FB...

Mark


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Mark1952] #4369
09/17/10 05:45 AM
09/17/10 05:45 AM
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Posts: 5,682
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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Originally Posted by Mark1952

So see ya on FB...

Mark


*like*


Chrysalis
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Chrysalis] #4391
09/17/10 12:51 PM
09/17/10 12:51 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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I got onto FB for 2 reasons. Initially, a few years back, I felt I needed to have a page, and have my kids "friend" me, so I could at least help attempt to keep their pages PG. We've had a few minor issues with my younger son customizing his settings so that I couldn't see what other people wrote on his wall. But I sat him down and told him that I wasn't going to censor his friends...I trusted him to do that if he felt something was really over the top. But I would step in if I saw him engaging in dangerous, destructive or disruptive behavior (they used to call this "triple D" when they were in elementary school) or if I saw one of his friends doing same. In other words, if it looked as though someone could be hurt...and not just physically.

I also told him that if I caught him customizing his page again, I would shut it down completely (along with some other consequences). I have his passwords, etc. He's been very good about it since.

My older son is in college now and he's never tried to keep anything on his page from me. Some of the stuff that his friends and others post now on his page makes me wince...but he's 20 years old and the questionable stuff doesn't appear to involve him, so I'm leaving it be. My daughter is too young to have a FB page.

But the other reason I have both a FB page *and* now, a Twitter account, is that my profession is marketing and social marketing is a big piece of the matrix. Also, I'm headed back to school for a master's in computer information science, concentrating in forensic data analysis and business data mining and analysis, so I need to stay connected.

However.....

I have two FB pages. I have one for OurHouse and one IRL. With my kids connected to me, etc, I just feel the need to keep the marital issues and all that comes with *that* FB page, separate from my IRL page.

Hubby doesn't have a FB page. He thinks the whole thing is stupid.

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: OurHouse] #4398
09/17/10 01:21 PM
09/17/10 01:21 PM
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Florida
Gladstone Offline
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I was invited to join FB years ago by a friend. I set up a profile, but then forgot about for a few months - until I was barraged with friend requests from a group of friends who'd discovered I was there.

Since then, I've used FB to reconnect with a lot of people from my past, and also to network with people I know. I was a military brat, and moved around a lot, so I don't have a lot of very close friends - but there are a large number of people I've known for short periods of time over the years. It is really cool to get back in touch - and sometimes surprising that they remember me!

My wife is also on FB, and we are listed as each other's spouses. We know each other's passwords and often post on each other's walls.

My kids are also on - with the provisions that we monitor and approve everything they say and everyone they friend. I set their security very high, and we have their passwords. The main reason we let them on is because it is widespread among their peers at school and at karate, and I don't want them doing it behind our back.

I am FB friends with a number of people I've met through MB and now through MA.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: Gladstone] #4419
09/17/10 02:06 PM
09/17/10 02:06 PM
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kilted_thrower Offline
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I like facebook. I created an account a few years ago because my grandmother made fun of me for not having one when everyone else did. I thought that was pretty funny.

I like FB because the soccer and volleyball team is on there and I can send a status update related to practice or matches and they'll all get it usually on their phones. It's also pretty cool because I managed to find some childhood friends that I hadn't seen in over a decade.

You guys should friend me! ****** ******in Oklahoma City!

Last edited by right here waiting; 09/17/10 03:14 PM. Reason: Please remember--no real names here!

Some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. --K. Powers

Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it. --Prefontaine



Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: kilted_thrower] #4428
09/17/10 02:18 PM
09/17/10 02:18 PM
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OurHouse Offline OP
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I've also found a whole bunch of childhood and HS friends. Through LinkedIn, I've found a bunch of former professional associates and acquaintances. Some, I've invited to FB-friend me. Most of them, I keep on LinkedIn. I don't have many FB-friends (I like my privacy!) but I have well over 200 LinkedIn contacts!

Re: Social Networking Sites and Infidelity [Re: OurHouse] #8524
10/06/10 03:25 AM
10/06/10 03:25 AM
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USA
Chris Offline
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My H's FB & my FB are open books; however, I agree that the Internet in general & Social Networking sites in particular are great facilitators for unsavory behavior.

When things become easy to do, more people slip into doing it.

Human nature.


ChrisInNOVA2@yahoo.com

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