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Exposing The Affair #249676
07/29/12 07:09 AM
07/29/12 07:09 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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I'm trying to pull together some stuff on exposure, and would like some input please

Quote:
5. Exposure. This can be a very good tool for fighting against the affair, and how the WS spins it. If the WS is remorseful and the affair has been over for some time, it may be unnecessary to expose. Some WS's do choose to confess even in this circumstance to a select group for accountability reasons, or in order to apologise for and explain an absence.

Exposure is exactly what it sounds like. You tell a selected group of people with influence, about the ongoing affair - exposing the secret to the light. You do this in order to take away the covert nature of the affair, making it more difficult to sustain, as the fantasy aspect of the affair is substantially reduced, if not destroyed completely. While exposure by itself does not often trigger reconciliation, it does help identify and enlist supporters and friends of the marriage.

Exposure is best used to fit the circumstances. In some situations, the mere threat of exposure is all that is necessary for no contact to be established. For others, it may take exposure only to parents, a boss, a good friend, or a pastor. For yet others a much wider net needs to be cast.

Exposure is NOT to punish, or make the WS come/stay home, it is to stop making it easy for the WS to lie, and run a demonising smear campaign on the BS, or marriage. Exposure empowers the BS, by saying "I will not allow the person who is hurting my family, run it down as well."

The biggest benefit of exposure is it puts a crimp in the hope the WS's and OP have of passing the OP off as a supportive 'friend'. Often this friend is presented as being someone met after the demise of the marriage. Prior to this presentation, the WS will often make attempts to portray the BS as the bad guy - controlling, crazy, manipulative and abusive. This helps them justify the affair when it comes out,and after the separation when they suddenly "meet" this new person who is "supporting them" through the difficult times they are facing

It is best to take the time to write out a list of possible targets, and work out exactly what information you wish to share with them. Take care to not present the information as idle gossip, getting even, revenge, or airing dirty laundry. Exposure can be one of the toughest things you ever have to do, but the potential benefits are too great to ignore.

Exposure is not necessarily the first thing a BS does, as they need to have a period of 'doing nothing' in order to process, collect proof, getting heads around the recently imploded universe, and finding a plan and support to deal with moving forward

There are 2 ways to expose. One is the 'nuclear/scorched earth' way, and the other is more 'surgical'. Marriage Advocates does not generally promote immediate nuclear exposure as the fall out is often found to be extremely detrimental to recovery. Nuclear exposure would generally only be used when there is zero remorse from the WS, the surgical exposure hasn't provided the expected gains, or there are no signs of the A dying and separation and/or divorce are happening.

One of the most important people to expose to is the BS of the OP. They are able to put as much pressure on the OP,and you are on the WS. From there it should spread in a concentric fashion to those most likely to either support you in your efforts to save the marriage or to pressure the wayward spouse to end the affair. That includes basically anyone who might care enough to tell them that what they are doing is wrong. The next step would be wider exposure to more people in the sphere of influence of either affair partner with ever widening exposure as long as the affair continues.

The WS is rarely happy about exposure. They will probably be angry and make statement like "I was going to work on it until you..."
"I will never trust you again"
"your hurting everyone else with this"
"its nobodies business"
and a myriad of others.

They ALL do it. In almost every single case however, they are over it in a day or two. The best response to this is to just keep repeating some variation on "I am fighting for my marriage/I am fighting for my family/ I know we can fix this"

Steps For Exposure

- Gather information to confirm the affair. Make sure that you get it put away in a safe place.

- EXPOSE the affair to your spouse. Yes they already know about it, but it's this initial confrontation that puts the affair on the clock. At this time, you should be starting to execute whatever plan you have in place.

- Hold off on any further exposure immediately after step 3. Not the kids. Not the parents and family. Not to friends, neighbours, workplaces, OP's spouse, Oprah, or anyone else. You need to give some time to let this situation sink in the WS's mind. There's always the chance that the WS will immediately flip, end the affair, and start reconciliation. If you've told the immediate 1.5 million people around you, you're going to have a big mess to deal with.

- Assuming that the WS isn't ending the affair, part of the plan would be more surgical exposure. There are pros and cons to stating this up front (as part of a boundary or consequence to the WS continuing the affair)for example if you tip your hand, they may try to counter with misinformation.

- When you're going to head to separation, expose more widely. Family and immediate friends probably need to know this information. Children may need to know, depending on the ages.

- We do not favour workplace exposure *unless* you're talking about a workplace affair. The more exposure that happens, the more likely the WS sees it as a punishment (retribution) and the less likely they are to return to the marriage.

There are always good, thoughtful exceptions, such as when abusive, violent spouses (or OP's) being involved. Exposure may not be appropriate and possibly harmful if there is a history of violence/abuse in any party. If you as a BS fear violence from your WS, or the OP, safe guard yourself by having supportive people around for the first few days. In worst case scenario's you may need to consider moving to a shelter.

If the BS's goal is attempting recovery, they should refrain from exposing to their own family. The WS's family will be able to get past the actions of the WS, but the BS's family often struggle. Recovery is difficult enough without a civil war between your family and WS. If however family support is intrinsic then they should be told.

Last edited by lildoggie; 07/30/12 08:17 AM. Reason: adding info

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
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Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #249707
07/30/12 03:18 AM
07/30/12 03:18 AM
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Jayne241 Offline
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I like what you've written.

I like the flexibility of it, so that it is not one-size-fits-all. I like that it allows some flexibility in who is exposed to, rather than a carpet-bombing or nuclear type of exposure. I think people have gotten into trouble using FB as an exposure tool, is that right? So encouraging that level of exposure would be irresponsible and unethical.

I like that it emphasizes the purpose of exposure being to get support from friends and family to end the affair, and to help bring some reality into the fantasy of the affair; IOW, to stop supporting the affair through silence, and possibly to contribute to the demise of the affair.

I'd like to expand a bit on "if the affair has ended." I can imagine a situation where a nuclear exposure could cause more problems than it solves. For example: the reason for a betrayed spouse to expose is to no longer "support" or enable the affair through silence or maintaining secrets. This is not guaranteed to put an end to the affair but it does put stress on the affair.

But if the affair has already ended, removing the reason of wanting to make the affair more difficult to continue, then IMHO exposure at that time might seem vindictive.

I could still see that it might be useful in some cases, like to prevent the wayward spouse returning to the AP, like to have accountability partners. But that should be determined on a case-by-case basis, to determine who should be included.

If exposing (especially when the affair has already ended) would put *more* stress on the marriage during recovery, for example exposing to the betrayed spouse's family if that would cause a permanent rift, then I think the couple should be able to decide together who should be told.

If the WS chooses to confess to a select group of friends and/or family and ask forgiveness, I could see something good come of that; but that would be totally different.

In that case, openly confessing would help the wayward spouse regain trust from the betrayed spouse. That would be a wonderful gesture, a "grand gesture." But that would only be relevant if it was the WS's choice. It wouldn't be part of a BS doing a form of "nuclear exposure."


42.
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Jayne241] #249719
07/30/12 07:29 AM
07/30/12 07:29 AM
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I think you hvae collected together some great points lil. This is my experience with exposure:


Exposure is pretty scary for both parties..My H was reluctant to expose my A...was worried about what people would think. I knew, for me, it was something I had to do to make sure NC could be as tight as poss, to make sure OM knew it was over and that I meant it. I also had to resign has first trumpet player in the band where the A started (not that my H wanted me to). I didn't want to lie about why....that would not have been making the fresh, honest start I wanted to.


There are many musicians that know what i did (5 in the band i play in now), sickeningly some of them think i was silly to tell my H ("everyone does it".they're in their 70s).

I was encouraged to expose to OM's wife (on the other forum)...for all theright reasons.....the added bonus ( and one that i hadn't seen)Was that OM was angry about that, really angry .

It was a work of art manging to get the info to her.

Exposure for accountability works really well.....kimd of helps both parties face up to it......J wanted to brush it under a rug.....it was the one thing i did in the recovery process that he didn't want to happen.....what would we get out of it if we pretended it hadnt happened?


Many months later he found the benefits of exposing domestic violence....accountability....you can't deny it once you've told people... You can 't pretend it didnt happen.....he exposed my a to his parents at the same time that he told them that he had been physically abusive........i didn't have a relationship with his mum since i tried to iron a shirt on christmas day, so it didnt make much difference.


In my experience exposure is a wonderful tool for helping both parties face reality.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Squeaky Tree] #249720
07/30/12 07:48 AM
07/30/12 07:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Lil Offline OP

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Wow!

You 2 have bought up some great points I would love to bring into the guide...

BUT

its enormous already, and I havent even finished yet. I am wondering if I should separate out some stuff, so we end up with a guide for New BS's, and another guide to recovery? Then what you have written could go into that guide - thoughts on exposure for couples in recovery.

So does the original post cover exposure as it pertains to an active affair? Did we get everything?


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #249722
07/30/12 08:02 AM
07/30/12 08:02 AM
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Squeaky Tree Offline
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I think you are right... I guess i hadn't really worked out that this was part of the bs guide.


The penultimate para. "exposure may not be appropriate and possibly harmful if there is a history of violence/abuse in any party"





Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Squeaky Tree] #249724
07/30/12 08:09 AM
07/30/12 08:09 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Ohhhh, thats good. I'll add that in. it sounds better than what I had


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #249730
07/30/12 12:51 PM
07/30/12 12:51 PM
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I would break it into sections - for what the person needs to get out of it: first finding out, what plan you're doing, what your long-term goal is...

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: catperson] #249770
07/30/12 07:46 PM
07/30/12 07:46 PM
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twom7 Offline
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This is a very well written set of guidelines...
I originally did a small amount of exposure, and I have considered widening my exposure because my wife filed for divorce...
I have held off because I am still trying to get her to put the divorce on hold, and I know any additional exposure would make her charge full steam ahead with divorce...
I know you are correct when you say that you have to weigh all the options...
I know another guy that did the FB exposure, and they are going to MC and the FB exposure has made his situation more difficult...
I still believe in the power of exposure, but you must temper how you use exposure in order to not do more harm than good...
Thanks for this post...

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: twom7] #249779
07/30/12 09:40 PM
07/30/12 09:40 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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I cannnot in good conscience recommend facebook, or any social network exposure. The chances of running a foul of the legal system are immense, not to mention that whole "the BS is a crazy *&^%"

I think facebook is a good place to work out a couple of additional targets, but not every body on the friends lists.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #249838
07/31/12 05:44 AM
07/31/12 05:44 AM
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LadyGrey Offline
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The legal implications of social media exposure boggle my mind.

I do not for one minute believe that there are not lawsuits/divorce proceedings out there where this behavior isn't used to the advantage of the unfaithful spouse. Any decent -- or even idiotic -- trial lawyer will instruct their client to not post about it.

If you can find a lawyer who is going to represent you effectively through a divorce/custody matter who agrees that your should expose via social media, then do it.

PLEASE get pre-clearance from a competent lawyer.

Plus, as far as I can tell, it never works.

On a personal note, it is utter HELL to live in a community where everyone knows I have had an affair, and a very lonely hell. I don't see that there is one damn thing I can do about it -- church is (clearly) out and my son's school connections are (clearly) out.

And I think that is why it never works. The choices are to return to the marriage and live in a community where everyone knows and you are sure to never have a normal life or blast off and take a chance with the affair partner.

Some days I wonder whether I made the right choice to try to restore my marriage -- I get SO lonely when he is traveling and hunting all the time.

I will tolerate this until my son graduates in a two years because there is nothing I won't do for my kids, but then I'm GONE -- with or without my husband.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: LadyGrey] #249843
07/31/12 06:47 AM
07/31/12 06:47 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Quote:
On a personal note, it is utter HELL to live in a community where everyone knows I have had an affair,


I hear that. DH's personal recovery was very slow until we moved away. His development in every area was stunted - the fire brigade seemed to pass him over for promotion and awards, in fact even basic training seemed lacking. The church which had been grooming him for leadership, stopped. Even our homegroup ended up treating it like an elephant to be ignored. His pain impacted in my personal recovery.



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #249857
07/31/12 01:53 PM
07/31/12 01:53 PM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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Wow, lil, I am so sorry that you both had to endure that. But it is something to consider. It is very easy for those NOT involved to say, "well, shoulda thought of that," but from what you are saying, when trying to restore the M, widespread knowledge of the A can affect the BS as well as the FWS.

Looking back, I feel very good about us telling both our families, some close friends, the pastors, and even h's direct supervisor (because he was having trouble focusing on his dissertation, understandably). I wish for our kids' sake that we had NOT told my bosses and any of my coworkers. It spread pretty quickly, and I still maintain that it had a hand in me losing my job. The OM was already gone from the workplace before the A was even over, so there really wasn't a need, and since my kids went to that school...yeah, that probably wasn't the best idea. BUT I was trying to follow a certain plan to the letter because...well, that's a whole other thread.

Honestly, unless one limits their FB friends list to the few most influential people in their lives...there IS no conceivable reason that I can think of to alert an entire friends list EXCEPT anger/spite/revenge. No way that person they play scrabble with in Norway is going to influence them.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: herfuturesbright] #249954
08/01/12 11:41 AM
08/01/12 11:41 AM
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CityGirl Offline
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I have to agree with LG about seeing an atty before you expose. The betrayed can and will come after you for messing things up for them. If you live in a fault this is especially important to remember.

It's also very wise to think about exposure at work. It could result in a wayward being fired which will impact the settlement when it comes to money and insurance. Lost wages may also be an issue.

As a cautionary tale... when I exposed to my H's work (it wasn't news to them and they pegged it a moral issue) things did get rocky. His mistress was eventually moved to another area of the company but remained in the building. Her new boss was a devout Christian and refused to have her in the branch because he knew what she had done. She was let go from the company and essentially blackballed from the industry. This resulted in my husband completely financially supporting her and sending her back to school full time on his dime. He moved her in with him and has been living with her and supporting her fully for three years now. Because he is so strapped paying all the bills, paying for her and her tuition and paying me spousal support he refuses to divorce me (if he divorces me he will have to pay my health insurance out of pocket, if we are separated I can stay on his work insurance).

So, think carefully of ALL the professional ramifications if you choose to expose at work. Before I exposed to his job the company was aware of the affair, there had been discussion with HR that I know were not pleasant and some plans were being made to lessen their contact at work but once the wife and her legal counsel get involved things change and things can backfire.


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: CityGirl] #249966
08/01/12 01:36 PM
08/01/12 01:36 PM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
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CityGirl's situation (as well as others) is why it is essential for spouses to use their brains and examine their situations before conforming to a one-size-always-fits all mandate, regardless of the tactics or pressure that may be brought to bear. When someone is reeling from an A situation, they are emotionally raw and very susceptible to pressure, but it is paramount to continue to think. I would recommend running every single piece of advice by someone who really knows you and is a very close, objective friend if you have one.

After all, no matter how......vehement an anonymous adviser may be, THEY do not have to live with the fallout from acting on the advice they give; you do. Anyone who berates and mantras and turns on you (the universal you) for not unquestioningly and immediately following everything they say should be a giant red flag. Truly Sound advice can stand up to scrutiny and questions.

Last edited by herfuturesbright; 08/01/12 01:37 PM. Reason: typos, typos
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: herfuturesbright] #249968
08/01/12 01:51 PM
08/01/12 01:51 PM
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CityGirl Offline
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I agree Herf.

Nobody should ever underestimate the very real possibility of exposure bringing the two affair partners closer together. After I exposed and all that stuff happened at my stbx's workplace the mistress's brother paid for my H and her to take a trip to help soothe them and get a break from all I had put them through.

So far the mistress doesn't have to work, got a free new house and furniture, got all her bills paid, got a free ride to college and got a trip. LOL! I can't say I am a fan of exposure (and I did it with the help of an attny so there was nothing emotional and crazy about my process) for obvious reasons. But if you decide to do it - be very, very wise and assume the worse case scenario might happen. The worse case scenario is not the cheating spouse not stopping the affair - it's that exposure may push the affair partners closer together and help them get a team of support.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: CityGirl] #250024
08/02/12 01:04 AM
08/02/12 01:04 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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While all that is valid, I want to say I do support exposure, even with all that.

Exposure did help me get support, and allies. It stopped DH from being able to completely cast me as the bad guy. It absolutely stopped him thinking I was going to just wither up and go away.

Yes it was stinking of the church and fire brigade etc to do what they did, but the fact is it was a consequence of his affair. I needed my pastors support, and H had to take leave from the brigade when he moved away. Those would not have changed.

It was the wider spread exposure that caused the most pain for me.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #250034
08/02/12 01:26 AM
08/02/12 01:26 AM
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CityGirl Offline
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I support exposure if that is what somebody feels they want to do. I personally am not a fan of it but I can still support something. My main point was exposure is something that needs to be done carefully. It must be well thought out and it's essential the BS fully prepare themselves for an outcome that is "worse case". While the BS may find a support system (which is most important) there are other considerations. I also cannot stress enough to talk to an attorney first. I realize the majority of states in the US are "no fault" but that doesn't mean the BS can't get nabbed for harassment, character assassination or lost wages/damages. Exposure can even derail a custody case.

"Exposing" to a pastor is not really exposing IMO. Unless I am incorrect I was under the impression that any member of the clergy is bound by confidentiality.

I'm all for a betrayed spouse using any tool available to try and get support, stop an affair and have a chance at rebuilding a marriage. Like any "power tool" exposure must be handled with caution, care and safety. Expectations must be managed. Too many betrayed spouses don't focus enough on getting a support group out of exposure and put all the emphasis on making the cheater stop. The last thing to consider is most people that are part of an exposure group don't have the education we (we = forum members) have about relationships, affairs and reconciliation so much of this will be completely foreign to them. People tend to shy away from things they don't understand. Especially when it doesn't concern them directly.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: CityGirl] #250041
08/02/12 01:45 AM
08/02/12 01:45 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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I know, I was just concerned that over all the thread was starting to look anti exposure smile

Yes Pastors are bound by secrecy, that wasnt how the whole church found out. They found out when I was standing outside the building screaming obscenities at H, who was inside. Which is a perfect example of why 'spur of the moment, emotionally charged, random, retaliatory' exposure does nothing more than adds to the 'crazy betrayed spouse' label.

Last edited by lildoggie; 08/02/12 08:25 PM. Reason: eta

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: CityGirl] #250042
08/02/12 01:46 AM
08/02/12 01:46 AM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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I think the key is what lil mentioned - support. The BS needs support, and those who may have influence with the WS can support/urge an end to the A. I think that when the objective of support is the focus, then exposure is more likely to be done judiciously.

When the motive is anger/vengeance/"make them pay", then exposure may become unwieldy. I can definitely understand that motive. It makes sense. But if the goal is recovery and reconciliation, one might need to ask oneself if that motive is consistent with the goal.

And again, my question to anyone who wants to deride or bully me into exposing far and wide...."Are YOU gonna come be here and help me deal with the fallout if there is any?" I would bet a year's salary that the answer to THAT question will be a big fat no.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: herfuturesbright] #250060
08/02/12 03:42 AM
08/02/12 03:42 AM
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LadyGrey Offline
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It is important to have a clear vision of the outcome you are seeking.

Last edited by LadyGrey; 08/02/12 03:54 AM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Lil] #250075
08/02/12 06:55 AM
08/02/12 06:55 AM
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Vittoria Offline
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
I know, I was just concerned that over all the thread was starting to look anti exposure smile

As I was reading this thread, I was sort of getting the same impression.

I hated exposing. Hated it. I hated leaving my home the night of d-day and going to a good friend's house and explaining why I was at her doorstep, shaking and bawling my eyes out. Her and her H were very good friends of ours so add humiliation to the list of emotions. I needed support.

I finally had to confide in a co-worker cuz I was a mess at work and there were 2 days I needed to leave early. She helped to make that happen. More humiliation and shame cuz obviously I wasn't only a lousy wife who's H needed an OW but a weak and pathetic employee at that. Again, I needed the support.

After almost 4 months and H comfortable that he'll take his lies to his grave, I exposed to his family. I hated every minute and every word that came from my mouth despite no harsh words against him. Telling his parents was the worst. I could see from the look on their face the pain and disappointment they had towards my H. I could identify with that pain and I remember feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I was indirectly causing it. I needed their support, our marriage needed their support.

Good friends of H's were exposed to. More shame and humiliation felt all over again. It was heartbreaking cuz I felt like I was trashing my H's 'all around good guy' image. But, I knew they just might have influence over him to do the right thing which was to come clean with the extent of his A.

I exposed to my family, not nearly as hard, still hard though cuz they thought the world of him. My Mom wrote H a wonderful letter, so supportive towards our M and to him as man and a H. My H appreciated that letter so much, still does today. We needed their support.

I hated exposure. I can't imagine that many BS's enjoyed this aspect of trying to save their M or find one iota of pleasure in what seems like stripping every inch of integrity off of their spouse.

Could this have been avoided .... absolutely. Not by me not exposing, by my H staying faithful. That philosophy took awhile to sink in, but it did. Did my H feel the humiliation and shame of others knowing what I knew, yup he did. It shook his world upside down and he was irate. That's a thread in itself, reactions of WS's to exposure.

My H doesn't blame me for exposing (he did when he was still a foggy wayward), he realizes the necessary evil it was to help mend our M. He realized an A has consequences. Family and friends didn't disown him, had he left me for the OW that might not be the case. He regained his integrity and family and friends saw that.

As much as I hate it, I support exposure (surgical) in sitches where it will be helpful.


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Vittoria] #250076
08/02/12 09:29 AM
08/02/12 09:29 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
well dam.

I wish I could give that a standing ovation.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: Vittoria] #250101
08/02/12 02:07 PM
08/02/12 02:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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Posts: 20,500
Originally Posted By: Vittoria
Family and friends didn't disown him, had he left me for the OW that might not be the case. He regained his integrity and family and friends saw that.
One thing I always tell people is that, IMO, for a R to be real, the BS should expose (surgically, as you say), and the exWS should apologize - to everyone to whom the BS exposed. Only then does the exWS 'get it,' IMO. Only when he/she looks family and friends in the face, accepts utter humility and shame, and then (hopefully) sees forgiveness in their faces, can he/she then return to the marriage with an utter acknowledgement of what he/she almost lost. Only then can the exWS move forward with gratitude and an unwillingness to ever take the marriage for granted again.

Often, people fight me on that - on having the exWS face the exposed people. But IMO, it is vital.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: catperson] #250110
08/02/12 02:44 PM
08/02/12 02:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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herfuturesbright  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
I agree, catperson. What a WS sometimes does not realize is that is it not just the BS whom they betrayed. it is their children, their in laws, their families.....sorry, but when I became a person my parents did not raise me to be, the kind of person I did not want my children to become, the kind of person who hurt the son of my in-laws, and the person who did what I promised my h before God I would not become....yeah, I betrayed more than one person.

When I care more about my pride than I do the truth of that fact....then I don't get it, no matter how many tears I cry.

Re: Exposing The Affair [Re: herfuturesbright] #250125
08/02/12 05:25 PM
08/02/12 05:25 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 91
R
redtulip Offline
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redtulip  Offline
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R
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 91
i have been reading this thread with interest and one thing i realize is how disappointed i am i don't have the relationship with my family that i can talk to them about this. i know this because they have had only built lukewarm acceptance of my marriage and as soon as things got tough they were the ones talking possible divorce... i've had to cut them off for not treating my H right. so i guess its because i'm younger, they don't think about me as an adult able to make these kinds of choices and now instead of getting support for this during a tough time i have to manage this and play it off or risk not only losing their support but having to fight with them. anyway, its just something that makes me think.


Me: 23
H: 28
Twins: 9 mos
# 3 due march 15
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