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Lil' Blog #221
08/30/10 11:30 PM
08/30/10 11:30 PM
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Such a difficult thing, starting this blog. Should I bother with it, being number one, followed closely behind with what posting icon if any should I use?

I think I got very involved in 'blogging' over there and it got very easy to just ramble on...like this LOL
Still, it's nice to know there's a place I can go and talk about what I am thinking without fear - or as much wink

If anyone is feeling REALLY bored, HERE is my 300+ page thread detailing the whole mishmash of crud as it happened.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #227
08/30/10 11:49 PM
08/30/10 11:49 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Well I for one, am glad you're blogging....feel free to ramble on. smile


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: star*fish] #228
08/30/10 11:54 PM
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Thank you.

Hey, I just want to thank the site creator for the small, nay, tiny advert at the top. No longer do I have to scroll down a third of the page before getting to the bit I want grin


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #229
08/31/10 12:12 AM
08/31/10 12:12 AM
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You can also take your posts/writings from other websites and repost them here. They belong to you. However, you can't take other people's posts on your threads.

Re: Lil' Blog [Re: OurHouse] #233
08/31/10 12:20 AM
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Since I have something like 4500 posts over there, its going to take some reading to sort out anything worthy. I have been looking at topics I have created, and found a few links to articles and studies I found interesting. Not sure if they should go here, or if they would be more useful as stand alone posts elsewhere tho.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #278
08/31/10 07:14 AM
08/31/10 07:14 AM
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more like 4660.. could be worse. I could be Mark or 2long grin

Ok, when I wrote this, I have a somewhat different POV about some of the 2x4ing that goes on elsewhere. I still think this is applicable for those who deliberately neglect and refuse to work on simple and easy issues in marriage, maybe just not requiring as much heavy machinery, as in the case of infidelity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Parable of the Seeds

or why won't waywards listen?

A Marriage Building farmers point of view

Originally Posted by Jesus
3 A farmer went out to plant some seeds. 4 As he scattered them across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them. 5 Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. 6 But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn't have deep roots, they died. 7 Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants. 8 Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!
....-....
19 The seed that fell on the footpath represents those who hear the message about the Kingdom and don't understand it. Then the evil one comes and snatches away the seed that was planted in their hearts. 20 The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. 21 But since they don't have deep roots, they don't last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God's word. 22 The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God's word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced. 23 The seed that fell on good soil represents those who truly hear and understand God's word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!"



So what has this to do with anything?

Time and time again I have seen waywards come and waywards go. Some come for a few days, some stick it out for a couple of weeks and some stay, learn and apply the MB principles to their marriages. So what makes some 'wither and die', and some become 'fruitful'?

The sower (MB vets and others) sow the word ( the MB 'way') It was given to them, and they have a deep desire to broadcast it ( real farming term for seed sowing BTW. I should know I was a farmer for a long time smile )

The seeds falling on the road represent those who hear the word but dismiss it straight away.
Many times a wayward will come to MB, post a handful of times, and leave in a huff, professing that all we speak is gibberish and that we're hating on them. Alternatively they come up with reasons as to why MB doesn't apply to their individual circumstance. Either they are too 'special' and 'unique', or we just don't understand them. All we can see is another person speaking from the wayward script, and any possible variation to the norm is not at all an impediment to applying MB to them.

Very rarely, old farm pathways are returned to pasture, usually due to paddocks being enlarged, shrunk, occasionally some just become obsolete. The soil under those paths is hard, and needs a lot of work to break up and become tillerable. The fertility of the soil is usually poor and the grass growth is patchy for many years.
'Road' waywards are hard work. They practically need a crowbar to penetrate their thick skulls, and the rewards are variable. A lot of work with poor and often ineffective return

The birds are the toxic friends and affair supporters, who steal away any common sense from the wayward and encourage then to do what makes them happy, or to follow their hearts.
The most common way farmers prevent birds from stealing seed is by coating the seed in a brightly coloured low grade poison. Bitter to the birds taste, but not normally fatal. Exposure tastes bitter and leave the toxic ones spitting, but as far as I know, nobody has died from it.

The seeds falling on the rocks represent those who hear the word, but only accept it shallowly and reject it as soon as it causes them hardship
These people want to cherry pick the programme. "I'll use Radical Honesty except for the bit where I tell my spouse about my affair", "I'll POJA but on my terms", " I want my spouse to stop LBing me and fill my EN's, but I want them to love me as I am", and their rocks are the justification they use for their infidelity.

During the hottest part of summer, you can see paddocks with brown spots in them. While it could be insect infestation, it is often a large rock just under the surface. As the rock heats up, the shallow soil about it dries up and the plants die due to the lack of moisture. To rectify the situation the farmer needs to remove the rock before planting. Sure the farmer could bury it deeper or even water more, but the problem wont go away, the damage will still be done, just slower, and an awful lot of work will just go to waste.
'Rock' waywards need to have the rocks in their live dug up and removed,. They need to understand MB is an all or nothing programme. You only get out what you put in and if your not willing to commit to NC and UA,and take responsibility for 50% of the marriage AND 100% in the decision to have an affair, then kiss the marriage good bye, and enjoy that justification on those long lonely nights.

The seeds falling on thorns represent those who hear the word, and take it to heart, but allow life concerns, to choke it.
'Thorn' waywards start with a roar and a bang. Their day is structured around the MB programme, they POJA the shopping, they want 15+ hours of UA, they mentally check off the EN's and LB's at the end of the day.
Then, weeds grow. Work got a bit busy so UA was down for a few weeks but its ok, its just for now. Then the kids got sick, and the bills got bigger, and she took up a new hobby he wasn't really all that fussed on, and he wanted to hang out with 'the boys' after work and then that cute neighbour/associate/assistant was so REALLY helpful, MB takes up too much time and is too much like hard work, and suddenly they're leading 2 separate lives again and as a wise man said not so long ago "When we stop working on the marriage, we are already really just an affair looking for an affair partner."

Every spring, regardless of how much spraying is done the previous spring, thistles and weeds spring up. Some from roots that just died down rather than dying, some from seeds from weeds that had a chance to flower before being sprayed, some bought in by from the outside by birds and rodents.
Thorn waywards have a chance. If lucky, they'll notice this happening and quickly get back on track, but some never see the thorns until they're being smothered, and some not even then. If the job is got onto quickly, it is just a case of diligent application of the required spray mixture. Some deep weeds however need cutting down or even grubbing up to remove. There's an old saying that goes: "one years seeding is 7 years weeding" I don't know how true this is but judging from some farms I have been on, the weeds have been left to seed year after year, infesting good productive pasture to the point where all that is left to do is use the strongest herbicide available and resow the grass starting again from scratch.

The seeds falling on good soil represents those who hear the word, and truly understand it, causing it to bear fruit. This is pretty self explanatory smile
Pathways have been ploughed and fertiliser applied; rocks removed and weeds have been sprayed. All that is required from this point is maintainance stone picking and weed spraying as required for a lush, productive, green and glorious paddock. The kind of paddock that coined the idiom "the grass is greener on the other side". Personally I have always subscripted to the philosophy of "the grass is greener where it is watered" or cared for in this instance wink

In conclusion:
Unlike a farmer who has powerful tools like a tractor, rotary hoe, and a power tiller, MB has the vets armed with crow bars, shovels and weed spray. By carefully applying these in the form of carefully applied 2x4's, penetrating questions, and refusal to drink the wayward koolaid, the 'sowers' can (hopefully) turn unproductive, arid, stony hearts and minds into fertile, productive individuals who are not only wanting to repair and restore their marriages, but also take full responsibility for their actions with no excuses. Since there is no way to immediately discover what kind of ground is presenting, necessity dictates that the experienced sowers jump in with the big tools and try and break ground when the opportunity presents itself.

The newer farmers, full of enthusiasm occasionally jump in and start randomly broadcasting the seeds they have, however without making sure the ground work of digging up rocks, loosening the soil and killing the weeds is done first, well, they are simply wasting the seeds. Personally I suggest that they go through an apprenticeship of sorts, learning how to cultivate the fallow ground that is a wayward, and save those seeds for after the soil is worked up and rain is on the way.

Reading back through what I have written I can see how a lot of this could apply to those of us out in the field so to speak. It's not just waywards who don't listen......

Right, off to remove rocks smile


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #279
08/31/10 07:24 AM
08/31/10 07:24 AM
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Just because I liked it smile
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The 8 Cow Wife


When I sailed to Kiniwata, an island in the Pacific, I took along a notebook. After I got back it was filled with descriptions of flora and fauna, native customs and costume. But the only note that still interests me is the one that says: "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows to Sarita's father." And I don't need to have it in writing. I'm reminded of it every time I see a woman belittling her husband or a wife withering under her husband's scorn. I want to say to them, "You should know why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife."

Johnny Lingo wasn't exactly his name. But that's what Shenkin, the manager of the guest house on Kiniwata, called him. Shenkin was from Chicago and had a habit of Americanizing the names of the islanders. But Johnny was mentioned by many people in many connections. If I wanted to spend a few days on the neighboring island of Nurabandi, Johnny Lingo would put me up. If I wanted to fish he could show me where the biting was best. If it was pearls I sought, he would bring the best buys. The people of Kiniwata all spoke highly of Johnny Lingo. Yet when they spoke they smiled, and the smiles were slightly mocking.

"Get Johnny Lingo to help you find what you want and let him do the bargaining," advised Shenkin. "Johnny knows how to make a deal."
"Johnny Lingo! A boy seated nearby hooted the name and rocked with laughter.
"What goes on?" I demanded. "everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then breaks up. Let me in on the joke."
"Oh, the people like to laugh," Shenkin said, shruggingly. "Johnny's the brightest, the strongest young man in the islands, And for his age, the richest."
"But if he's all you say, what is there to laugh about?"
"Only one thing. Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He paid her father eight cows!

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed. Two or three cows would buy a fair-to-middling wife, four or five a highly satisfactory one. "Good Lord!" I said, "Eight cows! She must have beauty that takes your breath away." "She's not ugly," he conceded, and smiled a little. "But the kindest could only call Sarita plain. Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid she'd be left on his hands."
"But then he got eight cows for her? Isn't that extraordinary?"
"Never been paid before."
"Yet you call Johnny's wife plain?"
"I said it would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow."
"Well," I said, "I guess there's just no accounting for love."
"True enough," agreed the man. "And that's why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny. They get special satisfaction from the fact that the sharpest trader in the islands was bested by dull old Sam Karoo."
"But how?"
"No one knows and everyone wonders. All the cousins were urging Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny'd pay only one. Then Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.'"
"Eight cows," I murmured. "I'd like to meet this Johnny Lingo."
"And I wanted fish. I wanted pearls. So the next afternoon I beached my boat at Nurabandi. And I noticed as I asked directions to Johnny's house that his name brought no sly smile to the lips of his fellow Nurabandians. And when I met the slim, serious young man, when he welcomed me with grace to his home, I was glad that from his own people he had respect unmingled with mockery. We sat in his house and talked. Then he asked, "You come here from Kiniwata?"
"Yes."
"They speak of me on that island?"
"They say there's nothing I might want they you can't help me get."
He smiled gently. "My wife is from Kiniwata."
"Yes, I know."
"They speak of her?"
"A little."
"What do they say?"
"Why, just..." The question caught me off balance. "They told me you were married at festival time."
"Nothing more?" The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.
They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows." I paused.
"They wonder why."
"They ask that?" His eyes lightened with pleasure. "Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?"
I nodded.
"And in Nurabandi everyone knows it too." His chest expanded with satisfaction. "Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita."
So that's the answer, I thought: vanity.

And then I saw her. I watched her enter the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still a moment to smile at the young man beside me. Then she went swiftly out again. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right. I turned back to Johnny Lingo and found him looking at me. "You admire her?" he murmured. "She...she's glorious. But she's not Sarita from Kiniwata," I said.

"There's only one Sarita. Perhaps she does not look the way they say she looked in Kiniwata." "She doesn't. I heard she was homely. They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated by Sam Karoo."
"You think eight cows were too many?" A smile slid over his lips. "No. But how can she be so different?"
"Do you ever think," he asked, "what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two?" This could not happen to my Sarita."
"Then you did this just to make your wife happy?"
"I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. You say she is different This is true. Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands." "Then you wanted -"
"I wanted to marry Sarita. I loved her and no other woman."
"But —" I was close to understanding.
"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #280
08/31/10 07:26 AM
08/31/10 07:26 AM
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A Person of Character

By Michael Josephson of Character Counts (525.2)

Let's face it: It's not easy to become a person of
character. It takes a good heart, but it also requires
wisdom to know right from wrong and the discipline to
do right even when it's costly, inconvenient, or
difficult.

Becoming a person of character is a lifelong quest to
be better.

A person of character values honesty and integrity and
pays whatever price is needed to be worthy of trust,
earning the pride of family and friends, and
self-respect.

A person of character plays fair even when others
don't and values no achievement unless it was attained
with honor.

A person of character has strong convictions, yet
avoids self-righteousness.

A person of character believes in the inherent dignity
of all people and treats everyone with respect, even
those whose ideas and ideologies evoke strong
disagreement.

A person of character deals with criticism
constructively and is self-confident enough to take
good advice, to admit and learn from mistakes, to feel
and express genuine remorse, and to apologize
graciously.

A person of character knows what's important,
sacrifices now for later, is in control of attitudes
and actions, overcomes negative impulses, and makes
the best of every situation.

A person of character willingly faces fears and
tackles unpleasant tasks.

A person of character is consistently and
self-consciously kind and empathetic, giving
generously without concern for reward.

A person of character feels and expresses gratitude
freely and frequently.

A person of character is not defeated by failure or
dissuaded by disappointment.

A person of character seeks true happiness in living a
life of purpose and meaning, placing a higher value on
significance than success.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #281
08/31/10 07:28 AM
08/31/10 07:28 AM
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05/02/09
Flick subscribes to a newsletter a local radio station puts out. it normally just has industry news, a few jokes, and competitions but this little gem was at the end of this weeks one. I might start listening to them grin

Originally Posted by radiohauraki
THE PARTING SHOT:
That's it for this week... remember if you leave your wife for a 19 year old blonde you will eventually get bored of bonking her and want to return home. It is unlikely however you will be allowed to return, which means you'll spend the rest of your days living by yourself in a crap one bedroom apartment watching old Clint Eastwood movies and docos about sharks on The Discovery Channel. (That is of course if your ex wife left you enough money to buy a TV and pay for Sky.)


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #407
09/01/10 12:09 AM
09/01/10 12:09 AM
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Still have 117 pages of posts to look thru before I get everything over I want.

Since there are a bunch of people who don't know who I am, and I guess more will come, I figured I could give a small-ish bio.
ETA: Me, write a small bio? HA!

I am married to Flick (who registered last night grin ) We meet when he was the midnight to dawn DJ on a local radio station. We had issues while dating, most relating to his AO's and my biting my tongue and not being honest with how I felt. We separated and I dated someone else, Flick did a type of plan A on me and we got engaged, and then married. We had a daughter who is mildly disabled and Flick became stepfather to my older DD. People made comments all thru our M about how we were such good friends and how they envied us, and for the most part we were. We didnt fight, we had fun.

We moved around the country alot for work. Flick often changed jobs because his AO's would annoy people to the point they made his work environment unpleasant. He also got tired of the various career paths he chose.

Because of the younger DD's disability we decided to move to the country where the schools are generally better and have a lower teacher-student ratio. Flick started dairy farming and I started a course in it so as to understand what he was talking about. Eventually he moved to manager of a 900 cow farm and I got a degree in agribusiness. The area we lived in was hit with 2 natural disasters and the farm needed to restructure so we were off again.

We moved to a region I had PRAYED we wouldnt need to go to and started sharemilking together, meaning for the first time we were with each other 24/7. I hated it. I felt I was doing the majority of the farm duties, as well as the primary housework and child care duties, and I couldnt get away from him and his bad moods. We were making excellent $$$ and Flick who is a spender started spending it on toys for him. Our M took its biggest hit the day he came home with a custom Mini he had bought and had customised. He had known of it for a couple of months and the first I knew was when it was in the driveway. I nearly walked out, and it was only because I started researching divorce on the internet that stopped me going, as I read some studies about the long term happiness of divorced people.

Ok, this is quite long, more on the next post smile


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #408
09/01/10 12:28 AM
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Even tho I had decided to stay married, I was struggling to love him. I have depression which can get severe and I remember standing on the edge of a cliff at the back of the farm contemplating jumping. It was actually my YDD who stopped me as I felt that no one else would care for her the way she needed. I also couldnt bring myself to kiss Flick, or show affection, although I was very polite and friendly. About this time he announced he was throwing in dairy and going to be a fulltime fireman.

I couldn't believe it. We were going to be moved - again. We were going to experience financial insecurity - again. We had to drop our lives, such as they were for him - again. Shoot, I had got a degree just because I needed it to get male farmers to take me seriously, but it was going to be worthless. I was furious.

My tutor happened to ring and told me about a sole charge sharemilking job closer to a main town and encouraged me to apply when I told her Flicks new plan. Since he would need to go back to school the idea was I could work and care for the girls while he got certified. He liked the idea, so I applied and got the position. Shortly after moving there, we discovered he had not made it thru the induction process and wouldn't be allowed to re-apply for 18 month. We decided he would be my house husband, which he was. For about 3 months.

He got bored and took on a low ranking position on a neighbouring farm, but he disliked being the 'boy' where as before he was the boss. I on the other hand was happy. I had a great job, and a great boss. I was making good money, I was well respected in the community because that degree I got had won me a place in a well known, exclusive dairy contest. The prize was a 10 tour of Australian dairy farms. I was over the moon. 10 days holiday without Flick, wonderful!

The 10 days I was away, the group I was with and I were treated like visiting royalty. Flick text me everyday but I rarely responded. I came home with an attitude. I was better than him. I didnt need him. He was a hinderence to me and I started thinking again about the big D, but not seriously as I still liked him well enough.

He went to Promise Keepers and came home and confessed a long standing internet porn addiction. I honestly didnt care that much. A bit disappointed but nothing major. He also announced he needed a better job. I ENCOURAGED him to apply at a chain store I had worked another branch in, because of the possibility for promotion (I had moved up the ranks very quickly - they reward hard workers) and suitable work hours.

Bad mistake. Big bad mistake.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #409
09/01/10 01:18 AM
09/01/10 01:18 AM
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He started working at the RS (company) stacking shelves in the evenings, in October 2007. He seemed to like it, the hours were good and he was getting on with his workmates. The company hired additional casual staff late Nov for the increased sales during the Christmas period. Flick joined a social networking site to have more interaction with work people, and changed cell companies to the one all the work mates were using as they were "texting each other instead of having to walk the whole shop to just ask stocking questions" He mentioned to me one day that he had been assigned to the lingeries dept, and that the girl (PQ) who worked there (a recently hired casual) commented on how he didnt get hung up about touch womens underwear. He told her he had 3 sisters. She seemed admiring of his non squeamishness.

I seemed to be hearing about 2 female workmates alot - PQ and FC. There was mention of others, male and female, but these 2 were fairly constant. I thought it was nice he had friends. He was getting dozens of texts, and he was invited out to 'staff only' get togethers. They did a secret santa and he bought gifts for two people, his secret person and PQ because she had been getting anxious about having no gift under the tree.

Just after Christmas Flick, YDD and FIL#4 went to a scout jamboree in the south island. While they were away it occurred to me one night that Flick hadnt been very interested in SF or Af and hadnt spent much time with me in the last couple of weeks. I sent him a suggestive text and he responded in kind and I remember thinking "ok, its was nothing, I was imagining a problem"

He came back from the jamboree with a massive attitude. He was dissatisfied with life and every thing in it. I asked him once if that included the girls and I, he said Yes. I had no idea how to respond so said nothing. He said I had 'taken that well'. He got angry and was often mean to the girls and I. I told him once he was breaking my heart, he replied "that cold shrivelled up thing"

I would walk into the computer room and he would shut down the page. He would be on MSN for hours, he was getting more and more texts, he showered all the time, started wearing perfume, threw away his farming clothes, said he wanted to be a metrosexual, made his social networking page private and refused to allow family to friend him - in fact he opened another account just for us to be friends on. His shifts at work were getting longer and longer and he was out all day, every day.

By his birthday in Feb I strongly suspected an A. We went out for his birthday dinner and I told him I wasnt wearing underwear. He shot me a look of disgust. This from an H who used to follow me into the shower to watch, who had once put his hands up my top several times a day, and with whom I once had SF 4-5 times a week. NOw SF was 2-3 monthly, and he didnt come near me for anything else. He wriggled and mutter the whole way thru the dinner and we left the second we finished.

I talked to my BFF, I talked to my boss. Both urged caution because a false accusation could be disastrous.

My ODD turned 16 and Flick got sick. Constant coldsores and a low grade fever, head ache and sore throat he couldnt shake off. This did not improve his temper. I tried snooping on the computer but couldnt understand what I was seeing.

March 8th, he had a better than normal day and was even almost friendly. He came in from working outside in the cold and slid his hand up my top. I was so relieved and thought that whatever it was, it was over. When I leaned back on him tho', he jumped away and said he had only done it to hear me squeal about his cold hands. Still it was a step forward I thought, and later that day was happy when he asked me to go out with him to do some errands. We came home and opened a bottle of wine and I cooked tea while he was on the computer. I went into the room to talk to him and he minimised the screen. While we were talking there was a sharp buzzing sound. He said it was someone trying to get his attention. I said he could respond to them, I would wait. He said they could wait. More buzzing emanated and he asked me to get him another drink. I said since he had been sick, he should give drinking amiss. More buzzing and I said "someone REALLY wants to get your attention" He said "Stuff Them" and just shut down the computer and walked into the kitchen, and into the pantry.

I thought "I have got to just ask it, I cant stand the madness"

"Flick, are you having an affair"
He tensed up, didnt reply. Grabbed a packet of biscuits, took one out and began nibbling the edges. Taking the packet, he walked into the lounge and sat down.

"Flick are you having an affair with either PQ or FC"

"Eww FC, is fat and ugly and *racial comment*"

"So your having an affair with PQ?"

He sat there nibbling and with this look on his face like a kid who has put something nasty in his sisters bed and is watching her get into it.

"Flick, can you tell me you are NOT having an affair"

Nibble, nibble on the d@mn biscuit.

I was starting to tear up so I began to walk out of the room. As I got to the door I heard him say

"I can't tell you I am not having an affair"


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #410
09/01/10 01:21 AM
09/01/10 01:21 AM
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Oh wow, this is longer than even I thought. I think I'll get back to it later.

Funny, while in some ways I feel sick thinking about all this, in other ways it feels good to be writing it and getting it all down in one story, instead of the bits that usually get shared.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #509
09/01/10 09:00 AM
09/01/10 09:00 AM
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I just want to take a moment to say that even tho I personally an finding writing all this down quite carthargic, it in no way reflects who and what Flick is NOW.

He is a very wonderful and loving man, and while maybe not perfect, is on the way wink


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #620
09/01/10 11:09 PM
09/01/10 11:09 PM
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Its kind of amazing at how clear some of this is to me after the fact since my memory is normally pretty bad. Anyway on with our story....

I walked into my bedroom, shut the door, lay on the bed and cried. ODD told me later all she could hear was sobbing and me saying OMG over and over.
After some period of time (5 mins, 20 mins, an hour?) I rang my boss who was away and told him and asked if I could go to his house which he agreed to. Then I rang my BFF, and told her. She said she would pick me up and take me there.

I walked out of the house. I 'think' I told ODD I was going out but its a bit hazy. It was just getting dark. I walked the 30m or so to the entrance to the dairy and sat in the roadside ditch in the long grass and threw up. About 5 mins later Flick came tearing out the drive in his car and took off down the road. He couldnt see me in my location. I thought he was either looking for me or going to PQ's. I found out later he had locked up the guns and taken the key to his fire chief to look after. D@mn, lucked out there. (J/K)

My BFF arrived and we went to my bosses and I cried alot. After a bit she asked me what I was going to do so we wrote a list of what it might mean... divorce, lawyers and what I should do right now... freeze the bank accounts and term deposits, cancel the credit card and fuel card, take him off the utilities and remove his cell from the account. I think we even did a rough division of the major assets. Eventually she took me home because I just wanted to be there.

When I got back the house was all dark but Flicks car was in the driveway. I walked into the house and turned on the lights. Flick sat up in the chair he was sitting in blinking. I looked at him and felt so angry, but all I did was turn the light out, walk into my bedroom, shut the door and jam a chair under the handle. I think I passed out rather than slept.

The next morning I got up to milk my cows. When I came home I noticed a bed had been made up in YDD's room on her daybed, so I guessed Flick had slept there. He came home from milking his friends cows and just walked past me into the shower. He got dressed, walked past me again out to his studio in the garage. It was like he was entirely ignoring what had happened. I was so mad, I kept thinking "Just speak to me!" After an hour of this I went to the studio, told him if he wasnt going to talk to me to get the bleep out. He came inside, packed a bag, said to me "well I'll be off then" in a tone of voice like I was being unreasonable asking him to leave and left. I watched him go and said "Well that's the end of my M then" ODD walked as I was saying it and asked what was going on. I told her, she told YDD.

I did all the thing BFF and I had decided on. It was easier than I thought given the NZ privacy laws. "Hi, my H is having an A. I want his name taken off my account. Thank you, bye".

I rang our pastor and told him still thinking Flick would want to sort this out. His mum rang and I told her. She was well shocked. The next day the pastor rang and said he had organised for Flick and I to meet at church for a reconciliation meeting. I asked twice "are you sure Flick wants to come home and sort this out?" He said yes. It was the only reason I went.

We had the meeting, Pastor prayed I read me letter to Flick about being hurt but wanting to fix it. He said "Lil, I'm not coming back".


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #764
09/02/10 10:24 PM
09/02/10 10:24 PM
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Well this is getting more than I thought...

People talk about how crushed they were on D-day, and I was too, but when he said those words, was the moment I broke. I don't have a good recollection of what happened after, it comes and goes in flashes.

I remember crying in the church toilets, trying to leave the church and my nearly 7 foot tall, 150kg Fijian pastor trying to stop me and me telling him to leave me along, I remember screaming a very rude word at Flick as I walked pass the room he was in. I remember having trouble getting out of the car park - I was told later I had pealed out, screaming tires and engine and narrowly missing the fence. I remember almost hitting another car at a roundabout. I remember being home. I dont remember the bits in between.

I walked into the house and started tearing pictures off the wall... wedding and family portraits, Flicks fireservice awards, and throwing them out the door onto the driveway. The I threw his collection of fire engines - most of which I had bought him -out as well. I happened to spot a little wooden carving we had got from Fiji a few years back called 'the lovers' that hsad our names engraved into it. I threw it out as well but it didnt break and make a satisfactory tinkling sound. So I got the axe and chopped it into pieces. Then I took to the fire engines. I stood in front of the mini for a very long time with the axe in hand. The only thing that stopped me was a voice in my head that said "It's worth money in the divorce."

Next I remember standing in the house panting and still enraged. The day I had thrown Flick out ODD had shown me how to reset the password on Flicks social page as at that stage he hadnt changed his home email password. I got into his account - the one that only had workmates on it - and set status to something like "I am a bleeping lying cheat. I have been bleeping that bleep PQ for months." Then I went to her page and wrote "your a hypocrite and a liar. Bleeping bleep, I hope you get a disease."

At this point she popped up on MSN and messaged, obviously thinking I was Flick. I copied and pasted the message from the social page to MSN. she replied "thats not very nice". I repated it. SHe said "thats not very Christian of you" I repeated it a few more times. She said "if you want to fix your M I can tell you" I said "he doesnt want me, congrats you won him you bleeping bleep bleep". Then I shut down the computer, AFYTER changing the passwords on Flicks email, MSN and social page to Flicksux.

The week after that has moments of lucidity, but mostly its a haze.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #768
09/02/10 10:49 PM
09/02/10 10:49 PM
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I think I spent the next 3 or 4 days lying on my bed, crying. FTR I almost never cried before D-day, maybe once every 2 years. I was not a crier. Now I cry during adverts on TV shocked

I was vomiting constantly, and had diarrhoea, wasnt eating, wasnt sleeping. Had pulled Flicks clothes out of the drawers and made a nest on the bed so I could still smell him. I was certifiable. ODD was at boarding school sun night to fri afternoon, I dont know what YDD did during that time. My poor baby - I neglected her.

The 'last' night of madness I went into a depression chat room and told the room in general that my H was having an A and I wasnt feeling good. TWO men hit on me and suggested I have a RA with them in retaliation. I told them bleep bleep bleppity bleep. In drama queen desperation I announced if someone didnt talk to me me right there and there I was going to kill myself. Strangely someone did actually take me seriously - a sweet lady from Australia. She calmed me down and got my IM details and cell #. She said she would commit to IMming me at a certain time every night for as long as it took and that if I didnt reply she would ring. She did that for 4 months. She is and always will be my special angel.

The next day I went to church and begged for an IC. Luckily she was available and I got to talk about what was going on. She was pretty shocked at the state I was in and made me write up a contract : I was going to look after and feed YDD, I was going to go to see a doctor ASAP, I was going to do my best to not think about Flick and PQ, and I was going to text her any time day or night I got critical. I never did take her up on that one, but it helped to know it was available. She told me a year later she hadnt been sure I would live thru the first few weeks.

I saw a doctor and he said I was stressed (no duh) and gave me pills to stop the diarrhoea, pills to calm me down, pills to make me sleep, pain killers (my back and abdomen ached constantly) and a free lecture in moving on with my life. I had to go see him again to get the sleeping pills changed as the 1st ones gave me nightmares, which meant a repeat on the lecture. I changed doctors after that.

A friend from church gave me a copy of 5LL to read and I devoured it in a day. I also started reading on divorce busters about the 180. Talking about it with my angel each night we decided that what I need to do was the 180 and then seduce Flick.

I apologised to PQ and him about "letting myself lose control" which they both said they forgave me for, never noting that I wasnt apologising for what I said, or did, just that I had lost control. I allowed Flick to come to the house for coffee, visit the girls, get more clothes etc and always looked good, smelt nice and gave him 100% of my attention. I didnt always get it right but I was making an impact.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #791
09/03/10 02:15 AM
09/03/10 02:15 AM
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Lil -

Just have to thank you for the 8 cow wife story.

It came in handy for me.

I had a roommate who lives in a tiny mountain village in Oaxacca, Mexico. I've known him several years.

So, anyway, he got engaged to be married last year. And the wedding was going to be in April.

In this little pueblo, they still stick by the traditional customs. When he decided to marry the girl, he had to ask her father. Then the father had a list of requirements.

It was kind of like a dowery. He had to provide a cow (to barbecue), 10 pounds of chocolate, 12 cases of soda, 10 cakes, etc,

So I told my roommate the 8 cow wife story (in Spanish!)

They did get married in April, and he bought 4 cows. Unheard of in their village.

Last edited by believer; 09/03/10 02:16 AM.
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: believer] #887
09/03/10 06:32 PM
09/03/10 06:32 PM
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SoCal
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Lil,

Heard about the earthquake. Everything OK at your house?


Chrysalis
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Chrysalis] #937
09/03/10 10:29 PM
09/03/10 10:29 PM
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B, your so totally welcome, and what an awsome feeling to think it impacted on someone like that.

Chyrs, we are fine, but I love you for caring xx



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #947
09/03/10 10:58 PM
09/03/10 10:58 PM
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Monterey, Ca
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LOVE YOU LIL!


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepair to die.
"Constant and determined effort breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles."
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: SIHW] #976
09/04/10 02:26 AM
09/04/10 02:26 AM
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Lil-

It is interesting how people all over the world can impact others. I've got pictures of the wedding and will post them somewhere. Be prepared, things are very primitive there.

Re: Lil' Blog [Re: SIHW] #1153
09/05/10 11:46 PM
09/05/10 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by SIHW
LOVE YOU LIL!


Love you too
*BIG HUGS*


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1154
09/06/10 12:02 AM
09/06/10 12:02 AM
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..and now, back to the story.

Flicks foster father (FIL#4) was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with no chance of surivial. Flick decided to move south to Wellington to FIL#4's house and care for him. I loved this idea, and even more so when PQ decided to move to her home town up north to see about getting custody of her 4 children.

I set up a calling plan so his cell and the homeline could call each other unlimited for a capped rate, technically so he could ring the DD's, but also to encourage him to call me. This worked wonderfully and we talked almost every night. Nothing amazing but the lines were open. After he had been there for 2 weeks he said he would come spend the weekend with us, then go up north to PQ and spend 2 days there. This was the opportunity Angel and I had wanted.

One of the zillion websites I had read said that when buying lingerie, always by with your spouse in mind. After all, you're not looking at it, they are, you're just the clothes hanger. So I bought very alluring things in red, a colour I had insisted for years I would NEVER wear.

Our family tradition was on friday nights we would rent a couple of DVD's, buy fish n' chips and have a family night in. The girls would get coke, and Flick and I would normally have a couple of bourbons and coke. Since the start of the A Flick was drinking a lot more than a couple.

He came in his new car - a red convertible - very cliché and MLC like. Drove us into town in it, and we got the movies, FnC, coke and a large bottle of bourbon. We ate dinners and I poured the drinks - coke for the girls, bourbon and coke for the grown ups.

At least that's what it looked like. I did make one B and C for me for a courage boost, but the rest of the night I drank straight coke, and made Flicks drinks with increasing amounts of bourbon. When the girls had gone to bed I asked him if he still liked me, he said as a friend. I asked him if I was attractive, he said yes, I asked him if he found me sexually desirable, he said yes, I told him I wanted him, he said it would'nt be right. I told him he know where my bedroom was (he was sleeping in the spare room)

I went to my room and lit a candle and he came in. He said "you'll just use this against me" I said "not yet". He said "if you ever tell her, I will never forgive you" and told me to blow out the candle. After I stripped to the new lingerie and shown him my new, much thinner body I did.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1300
09/07/10 02:56 AM
09/07/10 02:56 AM
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Afterwards, he went outside to smoke. I followed him and asked him what he was thinking. He said "I am thinking I should not have drunk so much". I went back to my bed, he went to the spare room.

The next morning I went in to him and told him that as far as I was concerned, the night before was just two good friends with a long history, doing what came natural. He said ok, slid his hand up my leg and commented at how good I had looked the night before.

He couldnt blame what happened next on alcohol.

We took the girls for a drive and had lunch out, then came home. He tried to fix the computer, which had got a virus from some file sharing he did with PQ, but with little success. That night he took a sleeping tablet before going to bed. I said to him he knew he was welcome in my bed and went to bed myself. He came in about 30 mins later, after wandering up and down the hall for a bit. During the proceedings he fell asleep and I started crying. I did not want a friends with benefits thing, I wanted my husband. The next day he left to go to PQ's.

I think I found MB that day. I was very confused by it at first. It was actually Queenie who helped me with the addiction idea. I knew I was going to be spending a week with Flick and FIL#4,so I wanted to really get to work on my plan A. I had been doing okish on my own, but a real plan was a relief after weeks of stumbling around in the dark.

The week went ok, but as traumatic as long term exposure to an active wayward normally is to a betrayed spouse. I bit my tongue a lot. I came home and carried on with the phone calls, the MSN chats and plan A. The SF part of the plan had a bit of a hiccup when Flick 'found' me on MB. While I had been at FIL#4's I had logged onto MB a couple of times and didnt know to empty the memory. The first night I came home he had been in there and out of some sort of curiosity, looked at the links. He got the page where I admitted I had deleted a text from PQ that had come on his cell while he was in the shower, and he saw how many people were telling me to expose to her stbx and her parents. He went nuts. The next time he visited me he refused SF saying it only gave out mixed messages.

FIL#4 died in May. I spent the week with Flick - I thought I was stopping PQ from coming. It turned out she couldnt get anyone to care for her 101 animals. SF was resumed with no particular fanfare. I ended up doing a massive exposure over the week, and at the wake because everyone sort of knew what was happening and wanted to know more - either from care or nosiness, I never did figure it out, nor care much. I did appreciate being allowed the role of wife and daughter in law at the actual funeral itself, with no one saying anything about the 'separation'.

Flick, the girls and I went to Rarotonga a few days after the funeral. It was a trip DD18 and I had booked while Flick was away at the jamboree. While there I made a herculean effort to give quality time, recreational companionship, be attractive and sexy as all get out. Just before leaving NZ to go there I had also written an exposure letter to PQ's parents. I guess they showed it to PQ, since I received the following 'gem' on a social networking page I had at the time.

Originally Posted by ow
"Hey lildoggie - i think there a two 'minor' details that your husband has forgotten to mention to you. The first is this - i am not in love with WH, never have been never will be and second is this - i will never be faithfull to him (and yes, he knows all of this) so please dont think im going to get all upset and hurt at the thought of him sleeping with you or anyone else for that matter. I only have one rule for him - that is dont sleep with UGLY chicks. Look i even give you my luv for today just to show you that i do not believe we are a threat to each other. If he wants you he is free to come get you :-) "


On the letter I had sent them, I had said I would be e-mailing a copy to DH, which I did, once he had dropped us off at home. At the end of his e-mail I added "I have now been fully appraised of your relationship status. This clarification can be found under the comments on my [social networking] page"

Flick came home from our wonderful family, fun, holiday to be met on PQ's doorstep by PQ in a manic phase of her bipolar, screaming "tell your bleeping wife to stop writing to my parents about your joke of a marriage". He also read her online comment, which was a big kick in the pants of the affair fantasy.

He asked me if he could come home. That was the start of our false recovery.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


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