Who's Online Now
2 registered members (Orchid2, Blair), 4 guests, and 13 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Save Marriage After Exposure67
2.HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair27
3.I'm learning to talk20
4.WuD? - Moving on.8
5.Am I still a doormat?8
6.***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga***2
7.Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up1
8.Welcome Aboard, New Members!1
9.Save Marriage After Exposure1
10.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation5
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
When Is Porn Use a Problem? - Psychology Today2
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 125 1 2 3 124 125
Pulling up a chair #1970
09/10/10 02:02 AM
09/10/10 02:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Wow, my own, blog, never done this before!

I posted an update on the reunion thread last week. I'm still moving forward on the divorce, planning out my Plan B. We are getting a long better in a lot of ways, like the co-parenting, but I still feel a lack of a sense of working towards common goals that makes me glad that I came to the decision I did. I still feel mostly relief, like I paid my dues, earned my way out of this.

Meanwhile, still living together until the dissolution is granted, so I'm still doing Plan A. H is, too, and we're both pretty good at it by now. Doing things for the other, while negotiating for our own needs to be met. Eliminating the LBs. It's still a work in process.

I'm still very active in Alanon. I am thinking about how to take a step back, to stay active in giving back to a program that did so much for me, while finding a balance for "Hanging with the Winners." I'm thinking about shifting my efforts over to Alateen instead of working so much with the grown-ups.

The kids are still doing great, such a blessing. They understandably have a lot of questions right now, and I answer as best I can.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 06/07/11 03:40 AM. Reason: put title back

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #1976
09/10/10 02:19 AM
09/10/10 02:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
T
Telly Offline
Member
Telly  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
So proud of you, NED.


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Telly] #1978
09/10/10 02:49 AM
09/10/10 02:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Thanks, Telly. I meant to say, I welcome other folks pulling up a chair here, too. So thanks for being my guest!

Telly, I still have to tell you, something you said that made a big impact for me. You said you could tell your H wanted you to be happy, and you asked me if I could say that for my H. Wow, I'm glad that you asked me that, when I was ready to listen. Even after that, it took some time for me to figure that out. I do like my H a lot, and I expect that once I'm done with what I need from Plan B, to get through the grieving stage, that I will attempt a friendship again. But it's okay to not want a marriage like that anymore.

I am really trying not to get into his head over here, because what do I know? But I just wanted to say thanks for that, when I needed it.

And you know what else? I'm really proud of you, too! I didn't have any suggestions about the camping thing, how do you as a family get out of the mindset of "living to work," because I've been working on that myself. But I have faith that you and your family will be able to resolve that together. I love that about you, your stick-to-it-iveness.

And cat, way to go with what you posted on OH's thread, about speaking up for yourself! I knew it was coming!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #2236
09/10/10 09:46 PM
09/10/10 09:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
T
Telly Offline
Member
Telly  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
Wow.

I am glad to have helped you in some way, Ned (Ears!).

I think you are terrific.

And you will be okay--MORE than okay. Because you are (really) made New Every Day.


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Telly] #2237
09/10/10 09:47 PM
09/10/10 09:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
T
Telly Offline
Member
Telly  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
But I still think what you are going through is very hard.


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Telly] #3343
09/14/10 09:25 PM
09/14/10 09:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Thanks, Telly, I think you're terrific, too!

I took DD14 to an IC today.... her friend committed suicide last month, so I finally made the appointment, because I thought that would be a lot for her to try to figure out how to deal with.

Oh, man. In the car, I asked if there was anything she wanted to share. She said no because I'd just start apologizing and make her feel bad. Oh, wow. So I told her thanks for sharing her concern, but it would mean a lot if she shared what she'd wanted to say.... Wow. I had no idea DD felt like that. I had thought that she felt special, and protected, could focus on her own stuff, and not worry about grown up problems. I'm glad that she felt willing to share. I hope it's all uphill for her from here.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 10/05/10 02:59 AM. Reason: removed some of DD's story

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3356
09/14/10 09:40 PM
09/14/10 09:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
Hey, Neddy...

That was really tough to hear, I think.

Both that she hears you apologizing a lot, that apologies make her feel bad, and what the shrink said.

I'd like to say not to take what the shrink said too much to heart.

Wait...I know you already did.

Take it back out a bit.

First time with IC, building a bond, then filtering that through your child's ears...

And I know you know that. Wanted to take the ouch with ya.

DD may well feel special; we know she can focus on her own stuff; and that she'll worry about adult problems anyway.

Kudos for making and keeping the appointment. Really tough to allow an outside, unknown influence, by your own choosing, into our kids' lives.

You do have great listening skills and self-control.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3357
09/14/10 09:40 PM
09/14/10 09:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
I feel so sad. DD14 was always the one in the house doing great, you know, the perfect kid. She's a huge help to others, and everybody loves her. Meanwhile, when she had all this pain inside, she was too afraid or whatever it was to ask for help.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3363
09/14/10 09:45 PM
09/14/10 09:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
I think it's great when the perfect kid hails some red flags.

Because the perfect kid later holds resentment to not having the attention the squeaky wheel got.

Like water seeking its own level...so with siblings and parental attention can it go...

Don't let it. She can easily be the one that does everything right and not feel valued, loved or needed. Nothing wrong with her...

just when she believes she won't be loved, admired, appreciated or accepted UNLESS she is perfect...

the walls can collapse. One slip up and she's done for.

So breaking through to loving her anyway, so she knows she is...and the way you've been exampling loving yourself as equally important...you're breaking through, Neddy.

Healing the Shame That Binds Us...a reminder. 14 would be a great age to get that into your hands, I think.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3374
09/14/10 09:53 PM
09/14/10 09:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Yes, LA, tough to hear. That's one of my defects, making others' pain about me, so then to hear through her mouth that I'm the one causing the pain, after for so long now working on "It's not about me..." I haven't made sense out of it yet.

Yeah, and her not wanting to share, because I would be like the drama queen, making her feel bad, I've got to not "go there" either. Back awaaaay from the reaction there.

Thanks for that reminder about the all-or-nothing. That she is still a kid and does get to focus on her own stuff, too.

Thanks for the kudos, too. The IC was like, "you need to understand that this is confidential, that I'm not going to call you about what she said," and I'm feeling all healthy and secure, "Oh, I'm fine with that, she's going to make tough choices anyway, better to feel comfortable to reason them out with someone she trusts..." Now I feel like in context that must have sounded heartless and self-absorbed. Oy vey.

I feel better reading your posts, as always. You told me once that you said a prayer before typing, LA, and so just now, I said a prayer before typing back, and what a difference! Nothing is different now than it was a few hours ago, in terms of her safety. This is good to know, that she did find her voice, before she hurt herself.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3379
09/14/10 09:58 PM
09/14/10 09:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
LA, that would be cool, to get that in her hands, give her validation about finding her voice. Of course, that would be a lot to live up to, having to feel perfect all the time.

She said yesterday that she opened up to a friend at school yesterday, a new friend, for the first time, and the kid told her she was surprised that DD would ever feel like venting, because she's so chipper. So she's getting a taste of getting to shift from having to project an image.

And hey, did you catch that, the part that her dad is attentive? They say a father-daughter bond is so important at this age, and they have it smile

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 09/14/10 10:01 PM.

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3388
09/14/10 10:06 PM
09/14/10 10:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
You sooo don't have the market cornered on that defect, Neddy.

See, I don't believe it is one...I think the way you process it may be...not the condition every human is in that we are limited to only our own eyes, ears, body parts and brains to take in what someone says and make it about ourselves...

It's how we find just our part.

To either extreme, works against us. Yes, a defect. A short-coming.

Easily changed when we practice the habit of striving first to understand, then be understood...stops the automatic of

"What is she saying about me?"

by converting it into

"What is she saying?"

And knowing what she's saying is about her, first, given the exact same "defect"...which to me, is part of the human design.

Ahhh...not drama queen. Think about apologies...how you can feel awful because they convey that the other person feels awful. Enmeshment, not drama queen, honey, IMO.

When you parent by feelings...putting her feelings as your goal and gauge...then you're doing it backwards and you know that.

Just maybe not with parenting. Certainly, with marriage.

DD14 can feel bad...and she will. Isn't the measure you take when holding yourself to your code.

It was AWESOME she told you this...shared this. And the other things. Don't lose that awesomeness.

You minding her feelings and her minding yours...back away from taking actions based on possible feelings.

Or your own.

See, you already got that...what's the ouch at now on apologies statement? What was it before, freshly said? How 'bout after you inserted drama queen? (all between 1 and 10)

Don't go into the old you of seeing through others' eyes...thinking and preceiving for the IC. Up your game. Honesty works for you, Neddy...even when you don't think it will.

Here's what I would have heard from you, "I understand. I'll honor that. I'm still afraid even as I know DD has to make tough choices...and I'd rather her be comfortable all the time instead. I don't think she trusts me."

Not heartless or self-absorbed...best self-image output.

And it's about YOU trusting the IC...your DD doesn't yet. And she trusts YOU in many ways.

I'm not posting to change your feelings...I treasure you sharing them with me.

You are great at reconsidering...and hearing your own old stuff...and doing new. You are safe, too.

Information is most useful when it's taken in as information.

Hardest darn thing for us humans to do.

She gave you a lot of information you didn't have before. You have it now.

Reminders:

DD can see you as causing her pain. Doesn't mean you are. Means she feels pain.

You can feel fine, all healthy and secure, because you took a scary step, picking the IC and keeping the appointment. Doesn't mean you won't feel fear, too.

Fear is healthy, in parts. Hold the fear and act from love, anyway.

LA



The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: LovingAnyway] #3574
09/15/10 04:31 AM
09/15/10 04:31 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Quote
Easily changed when we practice the habit of striving first to understand, then be understood...stops the automatic of

"What is she saying about me?"

by converting it into

"What is she saying?"


Thanks for this!

Enmeshment, though, ouch, easier to go back to denial, and think it's a drama queen thing, but yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's hard when our truth is inconvenient for others. Tougher still as a teen, wanting that acceptance and approval so much. I can relate, even as an adult, like how I used to feel like H gave me no room for me to be myself, when half of that pressure to conform came from within, totally natural and understandable.


Quote
See, you already got that...what's the ouch at now on apologies statement? What was it before, freshly said? How 'bout after you inserted drama queen? (all between 1 and 10)


Took me a bit to figure that one out, like at the hospital, "what's your pain level at?" No, after I got to reset, maybe like a 1 or 2. Freshly said, out of the blue, like a 8, and then trying to find a balance between fighting my own reaction, and being calm for her, still like an 8.

It helped, too, reading how Ami is handling her situation with her daughter with grace and confidence. Reminds me that our kids are going to be okay. Tonight, I was rubbing DD's arm in the car, and she's like, I'm fine now, and *now* is when you're worried about me? Because this stuff was like 3 and 4 years ago she said.

This is one of the kids I thought we shared a mental telepathy together. Like I'd just "know" when she was going to call me to pick her up from school. So my mothers' intuition has holes. I knew this. Can only catch ideas that are being sent. Maybe they were sent, and I didn't want to hear?

H has said for years.... But like Telly shared on her thread, in life we have fears, and they can have some real concerns to address under them. And today, he's like, I told you so, we could have prevented this, and you never listened to me. Those may well include my own guilt and projection in there, too.

Thanks for walking me through this today.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 10/05/10 03:01 AM. Reason: took out some of others' thoughts

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3588
09/15/10 10:58 AM
09/15/10 10:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
T
Telly Offline
Member
Telly  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,747
I know your daughter doesn't want to hear a mushy gushy apology, Ned. But she needs to hear one.

You guys missed the boat... It happens to everyone about big things and small, and it happened here. It's okay. She's okay now, and you're okay and she's getting help and it's all going to be okay.

But she probably still wants to hear an apology, even though she's saying she doesn't want you to feel bad.

How would you feel about writing her a letter? One in which you admit that you guys blew it by not getting her help sooner, and telling her how glad you are that she was able to hold on and fight to be okay even though she had to do it alone.

Tell her all the things you admire, respect and appreciate about her. All the things you see and notice about her and love about her.

Then tell her you are here for her, and that she is more important to you than anything--and you are sorry for any times when anything else seemed more important than her.

Tell her that you are glad she has the counselor to talk. Even if she's feeling better, it's good to have someone to talk to. But that you are always here for her, rooting her on, praying for her and loving her.

You know, something like that or something. ;-)

This is hard, NED, but at least she's blaming you NOW before she's 24 years old and you aren't right beside her to show her the truth of how much you love her every day. AT least she's telling you.

She's here, and she's gonna be okay, and (as you already know) so are you!!!

Sometimes it's hard to see pain in our children. We think that if we're better, they'll be better, and we can easily make their pain MORE than it actually is or LESS than it actually is.

Being a parent is so very hard, isn't it? wonderful, but hard. So much responsibility for these other little people. We love them so much, but we are not perfect and we make mistakes all the time. Sometimes they are extreme consequences, sometimes mild, sometimes ones we don't see.

We can only do our best.




Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Telly] #3599
09/15/10 12:50 PM
09/15/10 12:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
Member
Squeaky Tree  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Thank you for sharing this here NED. I like what Telly said there too - about the apology....

Even when it dawned on me that my parents were just human and they weren't actually perfect I still believed deep down that I was always wrong and that they were right.

One of the most poignant moments in my time was only in the last couple of years when my dad apologised for the way he handled telling me about the passing of a friend when I was 13....maybe he could have done it better and I was always upset that mum had always made reference to me being the tough one and being able to handle everything.....but actually they hadn't given me the opportunity to discuss it and i didn't know how to go to them... when dad apologised I felt a real weight lift even though it was nearly 20 years on.....by apologising he was giving me credit for the fact that I did have emotions back then and that I did need support


because some children seem to be able to shoulder things they do carry them because it is what we expect of them.... I'm looking at my daughter and hoping that I can stop history repeating itself

and your DD will be OK - she's got you.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Telly] #3603
09/15/10 12:56 PM
09/15/10 12:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Wow, Telly, I love that, a letter of amends, and gratitude for where she's at today. The opposite of putting my emotions on her shoulders. Connecting with her where she's at.

As defensive as I felt yesterday, everything she's said, I've said to myself, too, at one point. All the things that jump up and take priority for the moment. There was one day years ago that I drove my younger daughter cross town when she was sick, because my mom needed a ride to the hospital to see my sister. Taking on other folks' very real issues as my own, when the kids needed me. This isn't like out of nowhere. I made the best decisions I could at the time. I think we do a lot better with POJA today, coming to decisions as a family, where everyone's input is taken into consideration. But again, not all-or-nothing, that doesn't mean we're perfect with this today.

It sure is hard to see pain in our children. I want them to take a different legacy forward. Want to see them smarter, stronger, more confident, more accomplished, more in touch with God, than I was at each age. And DD has been that in so many ways. So to see this cross for her to bear, struggling with these kinds of thoughts, and actions, in this temporary time where she says she's not feeling that spiritual connection, I pray that she does find that connection in her life, to know that she's not ever alone.

Thanks for these concrete ways to rebuild.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: Squeaky Tree] #3605
09/15/10 12:59 PM
09/15/10 12:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
O
OurHouse Offline
Member
OurHouse  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
Quote
like how I used to feel like H gave me no room for me to be myself, when half of that pressure to conform came from within, totally natural and understandable.


I just wanted to comment on this because I identify with it 150%. I also felt like I lost *me* in my marriage and I pointed the finger at H for that. Only recently have I come to the conclusion that if there were any losing of "me" involved, it was my choice to do so and that I need to take responsibility for that. I haven't gotten yet to where you are in accepting that, integrating it and moving on, but I hope to.

Thanks for posting it.

Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3606
09/15/10 01:00 PM
09/15/10 01:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
ST, man, what ever happened to mothers' intuition? How could we be so far off the mark? Enmeshment still seeping in? What a sneaky thing!

That's so cool that you were open to your Dad's amends. Like you said, we can still try to create a new legacy for them.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #3609
09/15/10 01:06 PM
09/15/10 01:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
OH, thanks for being here. It's cool how we can own our choices, feel the peace from knowing we are learning what we were meant to. Maybe this is something we won't have to repeat, now that we "got it," and if we do, may it reinforce the new skills we're practicing!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #4162
09/16/10 05:52 PM
09/16/10 05:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
I don't know if the avatar picture is too small to make out? It's Twilight, when Edward takes Bella way up to the top of the huge trees, kind of like the song A Whole New World in Alladin. Dating H felt like that, a whole new, wonderful world, and then even the work that we did getting back on track together. We have had a few magical years, here and there, along the way, too smile

The one I had up yesterday was from my family reunion in the Catskill mountains in New York this weekend.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #4241
09/16/10 09:15 PM
09/16/10 09:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Probably too soon for an update, but anyway, H signed his paperwork, and his attorney is sending it to my attorney to file. Takes 10 days from that point. So again, the date that I told myself, like always, "the end of the month," will pass before this is done. I feel pretty at peace with that, though.

Plan A is getting tougher. I am sad when he's away a little, and that's okay, the kids are busy doing homework and such; I don't think they notice. I think I said to each of the kids once, I'm feeling sad about this thing with your Dad, but that's okay, people feel sad sometimes when they do this. Because they might feel sad sometimes, too, and I want them to know that's okay. But it's not the Plan A stuff that's sad, it's the way we don't call each other so much, don't meet for lunch much anymore, that kind of thing, while we're still in the same house. It feels distant, like we used to be.

I know on MB I have said things to newcomers like, try Plan A, and if it doesn't work, you'll be out of love with the person, it'll be easier. But it's not feeling easier right now. There are lots of pieces I'll miss, that I haven't had for that long.

I'm going on an interview tomorrow, and I was feeling sad, like if I like this job, and accept it, I'll miss my coworkers. And I know that's not really why I'm sad, my coworkers are nice, but if we're that close, we'll keep in touch, and if we're not, then we won't. This new job is actually just a few blocks from the old one, so I actually could still meet my lunch bunch on Fridays. I know the being sad is about this with H. In the back of my mind, I did hold onto hope that a work opportunity would present itself here, and H would look into something like Retrovaille that would feel like a fresh start together. I have two sets of friends who recovered their marriage with MCs here in town, so I know it's possible.

Church, too, hasn't been the same. Our attendance has been down for years, so they gave our pastor a year to get the attendance up, and he was unable to do that. I don't even know how you do that! So he's been given a sabbatical. I haven't even been going to my church, because H likes the one across the street, the service is shorter, so we've been going there.

Reading about Plan B, it sounds like folks get even sadder then. I'm not looking forward to that adjustment phase like I had been. For someone who doesn't like change, I've sure set myself up for a lot of it!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #4244
09/16/10 09:22 PM
09/16/10 09:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
Wow, lots of change, NED.

You're right.

And change inherently contains loss...even fractional loss.

These are big ones, all at once.

You never heard about attempting to limit major life changes to like one a year?

smile

{{{{}}}}

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: LovingAnyway] #4299
09/16/10 11:32 PM
09/16/10 11:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Yes, LA, but then I've never set myself up for success, have I? My company got bought out, and I could find myself jobless if I don't get proactive about finding work.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #6255
09/24/10 09:06 PM
09/24/10 09:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
NewEveryDay Offline OP
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,697
Just checking in. I love reading everyone else's blogs. Did I say already that we had another delay in the paperwork, that H says his attorney said is resolved, so I emailed my attorney, and haven't heard back. I swear I have never had a more difficult paperwork process in my whole life. I guess that makes sense, though. I'm also refinancing the house in my name, thankfully that's been much smoother. That *was* set for the end of the month, but now they're not sure of the date.

In retrospect, my goal was to do Plan B with as much staying the same for the kids as possible, but if I had it to do again, I would've gotten a small apartment with the kids. Their parents being divorced wihtout a separation period to adjust is a much huger adjustment than moving. In retrospect, I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking H would go along with a separation first. Folks did advise me to stay in the home, as I could lose custody of the kids if I look nutty by leaving when we're not in danger, but seriously, I don't think H would try to get full custody, I think he knows the kids benefit from lots of time with both parents. Ah, well, hindsight is 20-20. So then the question becomes, do I go through with the divorce, or put it on hold and move out now to separate first? But this far into it, with the kids hearing about the divorce for so long now, would there still be a benefit to them to have a separation first. And then I wonder, why am I thinking of all this now, so close to the end.

I hesitate to voice my concern to H, because you can imagine this has been a gut wrenching thing for him, too. So my thought is, if the kids or H ask again, isn't there any other solution, how about separating first, then we can look at that together, maybe make an appointment to speak to DD14's counselor together. But otherwise, I'll just stay the course we're on. And I think it would be more obvious than it is now if a separation would be a huge amount easier on the kids than the current path.

Telly, I still didn't write DD a note! She and I both got really really sick, so we were distracted. How's this. I hope you don't mind my borrowing your words, they were so honest and from the heart.

Dear DD,

I admit that I blew it by not getting you help sooner, when you were going through such a tough time with the bullying, and the scary thoughts you had, and the plans you made. Wow I am so grateful that you were able to hold on and fight to be okay even though you had to do it alone. It's like that saying, "It's not our tough times that define us, but what we do when they happen." And you overcame, DD.

You know how much I admire, respect and appreciate you. I love how much fun you have with your sister and the neighbors. How brilliant and responsible you are in school. How much fun it is when you share your singing and dancing with us and others. It's so cool how you've taken charge of your health, gotten your cholesterol down, and become such a beautiful young lady.

I am here for you, and you are more important to me than anything--and DD I am so sorry for any times when anything else seemed more important than you.

I am glad that you have the counselor to talk with. Even if you're feeling better, it's good to have someone to talk to. But I want you to know that I am always here for you, rooting you on, praying for you and loving you. We're a team, and you're never alone.

Love always,
Mom


Oh, and TAC, I went on the interview, but I didn't get the offer, they wanted someone with more experience. That's cool, I trust whatever happens will be fine.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Pulling up a chair [Re: NewEveryDay] #6310
09/25/10 01:19 AM
09/25/10 01:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,384
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,384
Hi Ned, I haven't looked much in blogs, and didn't realize you had one. I'm so sorry about DD; I know it's got to be hurting you a lot. I thought I'd take a stab at modifying your letter a bit, to cover more of what I think she is thinking, and what I assume (based on how I would feel) you are feeling, which I think she needs to hear; see what you think:

I blew it by not getting you help sooner, when you were going through such a tough time with the bullying, and the scary thoughts you had, and the plans you made. I'm ashamed I was unable to see it at the time. And I want you to know I heard everything you said and what your IC said, about how you see me as putting my own needs ahead of yours. I am ashamed that I have been unable to see that I make you feel that way. And I want you to know that I am working hard to be more aware of these things; and I am asking you to help me by telling me when it feels like I'm doing it. You are the most important thing in the world to me, and I don't put myself first; I'm sorry it felt that way.

I am so grateful that you were able to hold on and fight to be okay even though you had to do it alone. It's like that saying, "It's not our tough times that define us, but what we do when they happen." And you overcame, DD.

You know how much I admire, respect and appreciate you. I love how much fun you have with your sister and the neighbors. How brilliant and responsible you are in school. How much fun it is when you share your singing and dancing with us and others. It's so cool how you've taken charge of your health, gotten your cholesterol down, and become such a beautiful young lady.

I am here for you, and you are more important to me than anything--and DD I am so sorry for any times when anything else seemed more important than you.

I am glad that you have the counselor to talk with. But I want you to know that I am always here for you, rooting you on, praying for you and loving you. We're a team, and you're never alone.


Page 1 of 125 1 2 3 124 125

Moderated by  Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Marcin, Gkumar, Neets08, 13defroad, Firework
2039 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up1
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Save Marriage After Exposure67
Share and enjoy!1
Things men want3
What To Do153
Circle of Safety Check3
Asparagus? Info on possible health benefits1
Glimpse of light in the tunnel3
Husband living w/ mom and affair42
Community Information
2039Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8469Topics
461138Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.054s Queries: 15 (0.025s) Memory: 3.3880 MB (Peak: 3.7675 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-07-15 22:15:53 UTC