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Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: kimmie lee] #96562
04/20/11 11:43 PM
04/20/11 11:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 524
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girlfromipanema Offline
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I haven't read your entire thread Busto, but one thing that confuses me about the feedback you're getting is the amount of effort most seem to say your wife needs to show. In my situation, with my husband being unfaithful, everyone wants him to show all the effort. Why is your situation so different? Is it due to you waking up after her leaving you (because of your affair)? Doesn't that mean she executed a flawless "Plan B"? I understand why I'm getting the feedback I'm getting, but I'm not understanding the feedback you're getting.

Also, as the 'betrayed', if I left you, then decided to give you (and the family) another chance due to the changes you were making, THEN found out you were dating me in addition to other women...? Game over.

I know you're busy with your project and won't have time to answer, so I'll try to read through your thread (and over at DB to see if I can figure it out myself).

I am concerned about your wife's emotional state. Just this week the thought crossed my mind to check myself into a hospital environment due to being completely emotionally exhausted. One moment I feel strong, the next moment I'm ready to crack - and it seems as if your wife is in the same boat. Is it possible for her to take some time away from work and recharge?

I'm very happy for you and your family to have this chance at reconciliation.





Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: kimmie lee] #96563
04/20/11 11:43 PM
04/20/11 11:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Danf Offline
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Danf  Offline
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Posts: 4,593
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Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Originally Posted By: Danf
Dude, (I think) most women have been planning out getting married and their wedding day since they were little girls. (Ladies, correct me if I am wrong!)
LOL, I was planning to be an independent globe-trotting careerwoman for as long as possible grin


Dan, you are right on about this. They just want a wedding and then they just find a groom to plug into the scenario. Lame.

And have you ever noticed how the bride is always beaming like a cat that swallowed the canary in wedding photos?


Do you know WHY a bride smiles so brightly on her wedding day?


She knows she's given her last blow job!!

laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

Actually, I was VERY excited on my wedding day. Lots of my friends commented on how happy I looked standing in the front of the church. I REALLY did love my W. So sad that it has all gone to shinola.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Danf] #96612
04/21/11 03:09 AM
04/21/11 03:09 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
kimmie lee Offline
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kimmie lee  Offline
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Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
God love ya, Dan! I'm sure you speak the truth about many Bridezillas. highfive



THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: kimmie lee] #96666
04/21/11 04:18 AM
04/21/11 04:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
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Danf Offline
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Danf  Offline
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Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
God love ya, Dan! I'm sure you speak the truth about many Bridezillas. highfive



That is a joke an old guy at work told me years ago. He's got a load of 'em.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: girlfromipanema] #97043
04/22/11 06:45 AM
04/22/11 06:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
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flowmom  Offline
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Posts: 6,821
I share your concern GFI...I don't really understand the basis for this advice. It sounds like it's the standard advice for dealing with a WAW/WW...but this isn't the standard scenario. I'm not convinced that free-and-easy dating is the best route here. I wonder if Retro could get things down to brass tacks with addressing the past and opening up true communication. I know nothing about infidelity though, so my input may not be useful.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: flowmom] #97115
04/22/11 05:24 PM
04/22/11 05:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 627
Pinhead Offline
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Pinhead  Offline
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Posts: 627
I think that Busto and the missus have some issues to work out; no doubt about that. But I think that due to all the pressure the two of them are under between work and kids, that just trying to enjoy each other's company is a good, healthy starting point.

Busto is naturally worried about his wife's motives for returning. And some skepticism is healthy and warranted. But I don't think she needs to walk across hot lava; both parties have done a lot of damage to the previous relationship. So it's time to see if they can have a new relationship.

From what I understand of Busto, he's pretty confident about his boundaries, what he'll put up with, what he wants. He just needs to explore that with Mrs. Busto; and dating each other casually is the best way to do that right now.

I do agree that limiting family events is probably a good idea so to avoid confusing the little ones.


The best things in life aren't things.
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Pinhead] #102110
05/04/11 07:21 PM
05/04/11 07:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline OP
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bustorama  Offline OP
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Posts: 356
Things still going fairly well. Slow (is fast?) and in positive direction. W invited me to have lunch with her and kept texting me excitedly before and after our lunch the name of the restaurant (just excited about it) and if I liked it. I was camping with my girls over the weekend at a dad and daughters thing and W and I msg'ed alot, she kept saying she missed us (instead of missed the girls) and wanted me to come over as soon as we got back into town (which I did).

W is doing some positive things for herself. She has started a new regular fitness program and, with her therapist, is reading a book about being assertive/minding your boundaries/speaking up for yourself. She told me it was for our relationship, and I told her I thought it was wonderful and that it was important to me that she feel safe to express herself and her feelings. She shared some of her hurt feelings about the past with me one night, and I validated and held her, then we kissed. She's also been sharing with me alot of her frustrations with her co-worker and her job in general.

A couple of days ago she asked me if I would go to marital counseling and could I find a therapist for us. So, I have this marriage friendly guy I had identified before that specializes in re-establishing intimacy after infidelity that seems pretty good. However, lately, I've also been reading some about emotion-focused therapy which seems like it also could be beneficial in our situation. It's short-term (10-15 sessions), has good efficacy evidence for the orientation, there are some well-recommended and well-trained therapists in our area that use it, and it sort of sells itself as being especially effective when there have been "attachment injuries" that leave one of the people feeling scared, untrusting, unsafe to re-attach to a person that they thought would always protect them or be a loving, safe partner for them. W has used these exact words when describing her feelings, and I have a bit of my own trust issues towards my W from the past year of our M/R being under great strain. I can see that as being very relevant in our situation. Does anyone have any thoughts about emotion-focused therapy vs. classic solution-focused therapy for our sitch?

We are still keeping up with the fun stuff, btw, lest u get the wrong impression. Had a great time over easter with kids and also went to a wine bar for some adult fun.


Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] #102128
05/04/11 08:04 PM
05/04/11 08:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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Posts: 9,381
TX
I read Sue Johnson's book on emotion-focused therapy and I was really impressed. That would be my first choice for repairing my marriage. You can always try it and change counselors/programs if you don't seem to be making progress.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: CajunRose] #163451
10/02/11 01:45 AM
10/02/11 01:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline OP
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bustorama  Offline OP
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Posts: 356
Hey everyone =)

Wow, I've been trying to read up on threads catching up on things around here (and have kept in the loop a tiny bit remotely via Pinhead). It's a real mix of HOLY MOLY vs. SAME shinola DIFFERENT DAY. Very happy to see the good news continuing for Sunny, the surprise announcement from Pookie and Flowmom, and the return of City Girl. Amused as ever to see McQueen's cryptic pot stirring. Glad to see all from the MA/DB/MB gang talking, helping each other and (mostly) living. Great people you guys are.

Life has been very busy, and you vets weren't kidding when you said what a process piecing is. Recovery of our M has continued to go well, though. We are in escrow on a new house that we are so very excited about. Fresh start in so many ways.

So grateful for this second marriage. The advice and support I got from you guys here as well as our emotion-focused therapy have each been key. I really can't express properly how grateful I am for the different ways that you guys helped me individually and, ultimately, my M and family.

Just a ginormous THANK YOU!

(Pookie, please cue the mariachis)


Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] #163454
10/02/11 01:57 AM
10/02/11 01:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,913
pookie69 Offline
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pookie69  Offline
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I am so glad to hear from you my friend.

There is an unclaimed case of beer between us. wink

Cheers.


"A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: pookie69] #163455
10/02/11 02:00 AM
10/02/11 02:00 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline OP
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bustorama  Offline OP
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Posts: 356
LOL!!!!! Too funny. You are so right though, I forgot about the U.Conn cervezas. Did you PM or email me ur mailing/shipping address?


Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] #163459
10/02/11 02:02 AM
10/02/11 02:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,913
pookie69 Offline
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pookie69  Offline
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Posts: 6,913
No I did not, but keep it to yourself and for your honey.




"A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] #163462
10/02/11 02:04 AM
10/02/11 02:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
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flowmom  Offline
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Awesome to read your update smile


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: flowmom] #163464
10/02/11 02:09 AM
10/02/11 02:09 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
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believer Offline
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"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: believer] #163471
10/02/11 02:18 AM
10/02/11 02:18 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,913
pookie69 Offline
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pookie69  Offline
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Posts: 6,913


"A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: pookie69] #163472
10/02/11 02:20 AM
10/02/11 02:20 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
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flowmom  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
laugh


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: flowmom] #163847
10/03/11 06:52 PM
10/03/11 06:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 627
Pinhead Offline
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Pinhead  Offline
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Posts: 627
Ah, so many funny memories. Foot rubs, all sorts of pursuit. You and I were the masters of pursuit...


The best things in life aren't things.
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Pinhead] #178097
11/15/11 02:46 AM
11/15/11 02:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 198
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So Inspired Offline
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So Inspired  Offline
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Posts: 198
Busto, I'm like 40 days late but I'm glad to see this latest post from you. Good work. smile I'm very happy for you and your wife.


You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be.
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