Seriously gonna become a broken record - but read Passionate Marriage... it will change your life.

Women likeLOVE sex... if they don't want sex, often it's because it isn't worth wanting.

Bit of something I learned from PM that I felt rang true: We naturally settle for 'good enough' sex - we shoot for the lowest possible level of acceptable (read: just getting an orgasm if that) that we don't develop the skills to have GREAT sex - and after a while... life piles up... conflict takes its toll and you just don't WANT it anymore, because the lowest common denominator version of sexuality just isn't worth wanting.

I believe that in humans a dialectic tension exists between the desire for connection/closeness and the push towards individual development and self fulfillment. I believe that effective couples therapy takes place when the therapist understands the importance of both attachment and differentiation and is able to integrate both types of interventions into the therapeutic process.

For many couples attachment occurs easily at the beginning, but sustaining it is difficult.

I use a developmental model of primary relationships in which an effective differentiation stage is essential to maintain the growth and vitality of the relationship, but it is often perceived by partners as rejection/abandonment. In fact, early differentiation often stalls and partners regress into hostile dependent or conflict-avoidant, stuck relationships. In American culture our images of marriage are often stifling and contain beliefs that are not supportive of an interdependent relationship containing two whole partners.

Discussion:
A heated discussion then ensued about the meaning of differentiation. It was clear that many participants believed differentiation to be a type of pseudo-independent autonomy that precluded any kind of dependence on the partner.

I went on to define differentiation as, "the active, ongoing
process of defining self, expressing and activating self,
revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either more intimacy or potential separation."

Differentiation evolves as partners:
1. Internally self reflect and identify their own thoughts,
feelings, wants and desires
2. Develop an increasing ability to express and expose
congruently more of who they are as individuals (without blame)
3. Develop an awareness and acceptance of the other partner as separate and different from themselves
4. Increase their ability to listen, hear and respond ffectively to differences with clear boundaries
5. Create an environment in the relationship that supports
desired changes

When partners in marriage are in the stage of early differentiation, they can appear indifferent or rejecting. They will frequently push their own desires at the expense of what the other wants.

Here is a case example of failed differentiation in a couple
with failed therapy as well.

The couple Jan and Jim lived together very happily for 6 years until the time when he wanted to get married and have a child. She was happy to marry but was clear she did not want any more children. She had single-parented a child from a teenage pregnancy, and now she was enjoying her freedom.

Jim always wanted children and he insisted children were a condition for marriage. She did not want a child because she wanted freedom to develop herself. Their relationship became very tense and they sought therapy.

Their therapist helped them realize how strong their connection was to each other. This therapist was unable to help them tolerate having some excruciatingly difficult differentiation-based discussions.

Jan was angry and believed she "wasn't enough for him." She
believed he was rejecting her and choosing children over her. Jim felt that her not having his child was a rejection of him.

Having the necessary discussions would have required enduring some very tense therapy sessions. These sessions would have been difficult for both partners and the therapist. If they had been able to discuss these difficult issues, they would have talked about Jan's taking Jim's drive to father a child less personally. They would have explored why he was so compelled to have a child and how he would translate his intense desire to father a child into the daily care of the child. Instead they avoided these discussions and had the child and her worst fears came to pass. He worked and traveled a lot and she was essentially single parenting again.

Their relationship deteriorated as she grew angry and vengeful. He became accommodating with the child and withdrawn with her.

Originally this couple loved each other and had a strong, secure attachment. By the time they came to me their differentiation had failed and enormous damage had been done. When differentiation is not handled well, it results in hostility, passive-aggressive behavior, unnecessary pain, potential marital depression, fall-out onto kids and possible divorce.

I believe that differentiation is crucial for partners to avoid compromising core values and beliefs, to work effectively with conflict/differences, to negotiate effectively, and to develop ongoing intimacy in a loving relationship.

The lower the level of self differentiation, the more likely one partner will:
1. Set other partner up to take opposite side of ambivalence
2. Project old feelings and experiences onto the other
3. Repeat negative transferences over and over
4. Stall out quickly in important negotiations

In the lively discussion that followed, it became increasingly clear to me that there is still much confusion in the field and that strong, independent stances by one partner without regard for the other are viewed by many as differentiation. Of course, this is not differentiation. Differentiation is only strengthened in an interpersonal context, when a partner is able to hold two realities--that of self and other. At times doing this means facing tension.

Differentiation of self, need fulfillment, and psychological well-being in married men.
Bohlander RW.
Source

Department of Psychology, Wilkes University, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18766, USA.
Abstract

The contributions of differentiation of self and need fulfillment within the marital relationship to the experience of psychological well-being were examined in a sample of 95 married men. Differentiation of self, interactional-emotional need fulfillment, and sexual need fulfillment were each associated with higher scores on psychological well-being. Perceived interactional-emotional need fulfillment was identified as the most important predictor of well-being, followed by differentiation of self, and then perceived sexual need fulfillment. Regression analysis indicated that collectively these variables accounted for a significant proportion (27%) of the variance in well-being within the sample. Men who perceived their marital partners to be meeting their interactional, emotional, and sexual needs and who are able to maintain interdependent relationships with their partners were more likely to experience positive mental health. The results point to the importance of attending to issues of self-differentiation and perceived need fulfillment within the context of the marital relationship to facilitate psychological health in men.