To mark the latest chapter in my life, I'm starting a new thread.

Original Thread

Recap:

Began dating xH in college
Married in 2000
I put him through grad school

D5 born 2005
Marital problems in 2005-2006 - he resented me for "forcing" him into having kids. MC for 8 months and we seemed in recovery

S2 born 2009. I neglected xH for the first 10 months - too caught up in parenting.

April 2010 - 10th anniversary trip to Italy (where we were engaged). I thought we were headed back on the right track. He "didn't feel the same feelings as before" and decided our M was over but didn't tell me. His friendship with a female coworker got inappropriately close over the next few months.

Aug 2010 - my dad and xHs grandfather died

October 2010 - xH left. His "friend" kicked her fiance out the same weeked, telling him that she had an "emotional connection" to my xH. Two weeks later "friend" and her fiance reconciled

Nov 2010 - I confronted "friend" and asked if she was having an affair with my then-H. She said no. He filed for divorce the minute his lawyer's office opened the next day.

Nov - Mar - Attempted to work out a settlement ourselves. BAD IDEA. Do not do this.

May 2011 - xH introduced our children to his new girlfriend - not "friend" from work

June 2011 - Divorced

Today went very well. I am divorced

We were put in separate rooms and the mediator went back and forth.

I brought the parenting plan that xH and I had agreed on months ago. His L told the mediator "she can't get all her nitpicky crap" and marked it all up. xH asked me to switch the standard weekends that he has the kids. He had a long and complicated reason why, but I know it's because his girlfriend has a child and they couldn't find any weekends together when they didn't have kids around. I used that as leverage and got him to put back in some of the holiday agreements we had previously made.

He did not put up a fight about the asset division at all. I was shocked. If I'd known that, I would have asked for more. He's gotten a raise, and since I insisted on seeing his latest pay stub, my child support went up - he's now maxed out what the state requires

The mediator spent a total of 2 hours in the room with xH (less than that with me - he told me beforehand that he spends more time with the one who is the most unreasonable). At the end of the morning, the mediator looked me in the eye and said "You understand that this man will never put the best interests of your children over what is best for himself, right?" My mom said, "you barely met him!" and the mediator just repeated "You understand, right?" I told him that I was well aware of that.

The mediator also told me that he found xH to be very conflict avoidant and believed xH would likely tell me anything I wanted to hear just to get me to shut up, and that I should put any agreements in writing and should send any information I wanted to give him via registered mail. He told me not to ever bring xH to court unless I was confident I would win, because with his level of passive aggressiveness any victory would mean he'd try to walk all over me. Nothing he said surprised me - it just surprised me to hear it from a party who started out neutral.

I am going to have to try to sit down with xH in July and discuss the things that were pulled out of the parenting plan (funding the college funds, etc), to see if he's truly not intending to honor that or if he just didn't want it in the legal agreement because it is essentially unenforceable by law. He also jettisoned the provision about using mediation if we had an issue. We'll see.

My L told his L that we were planning to get the divorce granted that afternoon. xH and his L both declined to attend, so I had to say the words to get the divorce I never wanted. The one thing I had vowed not to do...at my request, my L modified the questions I had to answer so that I only had to agree that "at this time, there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation".

I decided not to text him and tell him we're actually divorced. Since he didn't care enough to show up he can find out later.

I feel relieved. Relieved that it's over. Relieved that there is no more financial limbo. Relieved that I am no longer married to a man I do not respect.

My L gave me a hug when it was all over and said "You are an incredibly strong woman." I am. I have to be. And even though I never expected to be facing this next chapter in my life, I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to have fun and continue growing as a person, and blossom.

((((CR))))

I agree with your lawyer......you are VERY strong.

I am so happy for you that this part of the ordeal is finally behind you and that you can now move on with the rest of your life. I am looking very forward to my own resolution very soon.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Even though you didn't want this.

Did you ever check you emails on Match.com? Maybe I just missed that part!!!

HOORAY FOR CAJUNROSE!!!!!

Congratulations! Being done is a huge relief, I'm sure. Good luck with all the house stuff this week.

You are and you will.

Congrats CR, you are a goddess!

I love the title of your thread, its what caught my eye. I have moved around so much during my M, that its a saying I have held dear.

CR

Cajun -

I know exactly how you felt, standing in front of the judge this am.

HUGS, my friend. "We" Rock!

((((((CajonRose))))))

I know you never planned to be divorced, but I am certain that you will bloom where you have been planted.

Thanks everyone!

Lil, I picked this username in part because I thought that no matter what happened and where I ended up, I was going to bloom. I've been waiting to use that as my thread title for a long time now

Dan, I'll be activating my match.com account this week

Yay!!!!! So glad it's over for you!

There are worse things than being divorced, that's for sure.

Love that you are celebrating with a new thread!

(((CR)))
i didn't want to post to you on your thread because the last time i did, your mediation got delayed. i didn't want to jinx things this time.

but i was sure thinking of you today.

i'm glad you made it through. i'm glad it's over and you have a chance to start a new life in your new home. it's a darn good feeling to be in the house you chose.

i'm going to continue following your threads because it can only get better from here.

let's crack open the champagne, shall we?

Never thought I'd be celebrating this day, but I am happy

My mom still can't believe I'm calm. She was divorced 61 days after dad left and she was a complete basket case. I would have been 6 months ago. Not now. For the most part it really did feel like just one more item on today's checklist (pick up special food for dog - check, get divorced- check, drop off papers for lender - check).

It WILL get better from here, D4 - for all of us

On to the next item on today's list - fix S2's glasses.

There's nowhere to go but UP from here, CR.

Congratulations, CJ! Wow, that mediator gave me chills because he seemed to know too much from experience (sadly) about your exH's character(we can say that now! EXH.

I hope your dog can hang in there a little/LOT longer...keep posting as you are adjusting to this...but now how does the house stand?

Mortgage guy says we can probably close Thursday or Friday. Unfortunately the owners say they won't rent it to me early. The earliest the movers can reschedule me for is Monday. Trying to stop my internet and tv from being turned off earlier now.

My 4th of July will be spent moving. Sounds better than last 4th of July, when xH called D5 a sociopath for wanting to leave the party we were at early ("she only thinks about herself").

Yay for a new house!

I'll be unpacking and trying to get established from my move on the 4th CR. I'll be thinking about you. My movers are coming on the 2nd!

CR....your outlook makes me smile.

It is an odd thing to say, but congratulations. Not celebrating the end of your marriage, but rather the relief that this day brings for you. I still feel relatively happy and relieved almost 3 months post my final settlement.

Onwards and upwards to you! There are plenty of chiches I could use here, but I'll keep it simple and just wish you the best in your future. You're gonna be ok.

CR,

I'm so glad for you that this long road has come to an end. I truly respect your strength.

My advice: Take time for yourself and your kids before rushing into anything serious. You have a new life now maybe walk around in those new shoes for a while.

You seem like a great woman and I wish you the best!

Best wishes on the new chapter in your life. You will bloom!

(((CajunRose))) You did it, you finally got divorced!

How eerie the things that the mediator said about your ex. Did it feel validating to hear those things from him?

Love your thread title.

Good luck with moving. You can move mountains.

Y'all are all awesome

Flo, it made me more sad to hear the mediator say that. It's still hard to accept that the man I picked as my children's father wasn't worthy. I feel bad for my children because eventually they will figure out where they lie on the priority list.

It also really brought home the level of denial we can be in. It took the mediator (who is, granted, trained in dealing with people) 2 hours to figure out what it took me 6 months to see.

WM, I'm not planning to rush into anything. I think it would be fun to go out a time or two and see what it's like to actually date (xH and I had no money in college so we didn't really go on dates). I have to relearn how to flirt and talk to men. But I don't see myself in any kind of relationship (and I'm not wired for flings) any time soon.

Time to have fun, do interesting things, and get settled in my new home. I like the life I have today just fine and I'm in no hurry to change it up (beyond the move). It will take someone really special to carve out a place for himself.

So happy for you.

So, CR, now that this phase is over, what do you have planned next? Any big adventures or just some relaxing?

Can't wait to read what comes next for you!

CR, best wishes for you to grow and flourish.

And don't feel bad for taking longer than the mediator to accept the truth. You had a vested interest in remaining in denial. The mediator didn't.