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Blooming where I'm planted #127169
06/27/11 07:56 PM
06/27/11 07:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
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CajunRose Offline OP
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CajunRose  Offline OP
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To mark the latest chapter in my life, I'm starting a new thread.

Original Thread

Recap:

Began dating xH in college
Married in 2000
I put him through grad school

D5 born 2005
Marital problems in 2005-2006 - he resented me for "forcing" him into having kids. MC for 8 months and we seemed in recovery

S2 born 2009. I neglected xH for the first 10 months - too caught up in parenting.

April 2010 - 10th anniversary trip to Italy (where we were engaged). I thought we were headed back on the right track. He "didn't feel the same feelings as before" and decided our M was over but didn't tell me. His friendship with a female coworker got inappropriately close over the next few months.

Aug 2010 - my dad and xHs grandfather died

October 2010 - xH left. His "friend" kicked her fiance out the same weeked, telling him that she had an "emotional connection" to my xH. Two weeks later "friend" and her fiance reconciled

Nov 2010 - I confronted "friend" and asked if she was having an affair with my then-H. She said no. He filed for divorce the minute his lawyer's office opened the next day.

Nov - Mar - Attempted to work out a settlement ourselves. BAD IDEA. Do not do this.

May 2011 - xH introduced our children to his new girlfriend - not "friend" from work

June 2011 - Divorced


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127183
06/27/11 08:12 PM
06/27/11 08:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
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CajunRose  Offline OP
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Today went very well. I am divorced smile

We were put in separate rooms and the mediator went back and forth.

I brought the parenting plan that xH and I had agreed on months ago. His L told the mediator "she can't get all her nitpicky crap" and marked it all up. xH asked me to switch the standard weekends that he has the kids. He had a long and complicated reason why, but I know it's because his girlfriend has a child and they couldn't find any weekends together when they didn't have kids around. I used that as leverage and got him to put back in some of the holiday agreements we had previously made.

He did not put up a fight about the asset division at all. I was shocked. If I'd known that, I would have asked for more. He's gotten a raise, and since I insisted on seeing his latest pay stub, my child support went up - he's now maxed out what the state requires smile

The mediator spent a total of 2 hours in the room with xH (less than that with me - he told me beforehand that he spends more time with the one who is the most unreasonable). At the end of the morning, the mediator looked me in the eye and said "You understand that this man will never put the best interests of your children over what is best for himself, right?" My mom said, "you barely met him!" and the mediator just repeated "You understand, right?" I told him that I was well aware of that.

The mediator also told me that he found xH to be very conflict avoidant and believed xH would likely tell me anything I wanted to hear just to get me to shut up, and that I should put any agreements in writing and should send any information I wanted to give him via registered mail. He told me not to ever bring xH to court unless I was confident I would win, because with his level of passive aggressiveness any victory would mean he'd try to walk all over me. Nothing he said surprised me - it just surprised me to hear it from a party who started out neutral.

I am going to have to try to sit down with xH in July and discuss the things that were pulled out of the parenting plan (funding the college funds, etc), to see if he's truly not intending to honor that or if he just didn't want it in the legal agreement because it is essentially unenforceable by law. He also jettisoned the provision about using mediation if we had an issue. We'll see.

My L told his L that we were planning to get the divorce granted that afternoon. xH and his L both declined to attend, so I had to say the words to get the divorce I never wanted. The one thing I had vowed not to do...at my request, my L modified the questions I had to answer so that I only had to agree that "at this time, there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation".

I decided not to text him and tell him we're actually divorced. Since he didn't care enough to show up he can find out later.

I feel relieved. Relieved that it's over. Relieved that there is no more financial limbo. Relieved that I am no longer married to a man I do not respect.

My L gave me a hug when it was all over and said "You are an incredibly strong woman." I am. I have to be. And even though I never expected to be facing this next chapter in my life, I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to have fun and continue growing as a person, and blossom.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127190
06/27/11 08:20 PM
06/27/11 08:20 PM
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Posts: 4,593
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Danf Offline
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((((CR))))

I agree with your lawyer......you are VERY strong.

I am so happy for you that this part of the ordeal is finally behind you and that you can now move on with the rest of your life. I am looking very forward to my own resolution very soon.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Even though you didn't want this.

Did you ever check you emails on Match.com? Maybe I just missed that part!!!

HOORAY FOR CAJUNROSE!!!!!


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127191
06/27/11 08:20 PM
06/27/11 08:20 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 455
midwest
BlueStar Offline
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Congratulations! Being done is a huge relief, I'm sure. Good luck with all the house stuff this week.


When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and with such regret upon the closed door, that we don't see the open ones

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127197
06/27/11 08:27 PM
06/27/11 08:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline
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Quote:
My L gave me a hug when it was all over and said "You are an incredibly strong woman." I am. I have to be. And even though I never expected to be facing this next chapter in my life, I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to have fun and continue growing as a person, and blossom.


You are and you will.



M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: BlueStar] #127200
06/27/11 08:29 PM
06/27/11 08:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,565
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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Lil  Offline

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Congrats CR, you are a goddess!

I love the title of your thread, its what caught my eye. I have moved around so much during my M, that its a saying I have held dear.

hug CR


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: Lil] #127201
06/27/11 08:30 PM
06/27/11 08:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,306
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Mindfull Offline
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Cajun -

I know exactly how you felt, standing in front of the judge this am.

HUGS, my friend. "We" Rock! smile


Good Luck to all!
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: idontunderstand] #127204
06/27/11 08:32 PM
06/27/11 08:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
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believer Offline
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((((((CajonRose))))))

I know you never planned to be divorced, but I am certain that you will bloom where you have been planted.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: Mindfull] #127205
06/27/11 08:32 PM
06/27/11 08:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
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Thanks everyone!

Lil, I picked this username in part because I thought that no matter what happened and where I ended up, I was going to bloom. I've been waiting to use that as my thread title for a long time now smile

Dan, I'll be activating my match.com account this week smile


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: believer] #127210
06/27/11 08:35 PM
06/27/11 08:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,211
SunnyD Offline
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Yay!!!!! So glad it's over for you!

There are worse things than being divorced, that's for sure.

Love that you are celebrating with a new thread!

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127214
06/27/11 08:38 PM
06/27/11 08:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,959
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D4MIL Offline
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(((CR)))
i didn't want to post to you on your thread because the last time i did, your mediation got delayed. frown i didn't want to jinx things this time.

but i was sure thinking of you today.

i'm glad you made it through. i'm glad it's over and you have a chance to start a new life in your new home. it's a darn good feeling to be in the house you chose.

i'm going to continue following your threads because it can only get better from here.

let's crack open the champagne, shall we?

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: D4MIL] #127219
06/27/11 08:46 PM
06/27/11 08:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
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CajunRose  Offline OP
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Never thought I'd be celebrating this day, but I am happy smile

My mom still can't believe I'm calm. She was divorced 61 days after dad left and she was a complete basket case. I would have been 6 months ago. Not now. For the most part it really did feel like just one more item on today's checklist (pick up special food for dog - check, get divorced- check, drop off papers for lender - check).

It WILL get better from here, D4 - for all of us smile

On to the next item on today's list - fix S2's glasses.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127231
06/27/11 09:06 PM
06/27/11 09:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
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OurHouse Offline
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There's nowhere to go but UP from here, CR.

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127233
06/27/11 09:07 PM
06/27/11 09:07 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,014
sparrow Offline
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Congratulations, CJ! Wow, that mediator gave me chills because he seemed to know too much from experience (sadly) about your exH's character(we can say that now! EXH.

I hope your dog can hang in there a little/LOT longer...keep posting as you are adjusting to this...but now how does the house stand?






me- 35
son born July 2009

Love or nothing!







Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: sparrow] #127244
06/27/11 10:01 PM
06/27/11 10:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
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CajunRose  Offline OP
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Mortgage guy says we can probably close Thursday or Friday. Unfortunately the owners say they won't rent it to me early. The earliest the movers can reschedule me for is Monday. Trying to stop my internet and tv from being turned off earlier now.

My 4th of July will be spent moving. Sounds better than last 4th of July, when xH called D5 a sociopath for wanting to leave the party we were at early ("she only thinks about herself").

Yay for a new house!


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127258
06/27/11 10:46 PM
06/27/11 10:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
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Danf Offline
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I'll be unpacking and trying to get established from my move on the 4th CR. I'll be thinking about you. My movers are coming on the 2nd!


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: Danf] #127259
06/27/11 10:47 PM
06/27/11 10:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
CR....your outlook makes me smile.

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: herfuturesbright] #127261
06/27/11 10:55 PM
06/27/11 10:55 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 905
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SoL Offline
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It is an odd thing to say, but congratulations. Not celebrating the end of your marriage, but rather the relief that this day brings for you. I still feel relatively happy and relieved almost 3 months post my final settlement.

Onwards and upwards to you! There are plenty of chiches I could use here, but I'll keep it simple and just wish you the best in your future. You're gonna be ok.

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: SoL] #127433
06/28/11 05:54 AM
06/28/11 05:54 AM
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WalkingMan Offline
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CR,

I'm so glad for you that this long road has come to an end. I truly respect your strength.

My advice: Take time for yourself and your kids before rushing into anything serious. You have a new life now maybe walk around in those new shoes for a while.

You seem like a great woman and I wish you the best!

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: WalkingMan] #127436
06/28/11 06:13 AM
06/28/11 06:13 AM
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Posts: 174
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allthewhitehorses Offline
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Best wishes on the new chapter in your life. You will bloom!

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127442
06/28/11 06:53 AM
06/28/11 06:53 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
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flowmom Offline
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(((CajunRose))) You did it, you finally got divorced! smile

How eerie the things that the mediator said about your ex. Did it feel validating to hear those things from him?

Love your thread title.

Good luck with moving. You can move mountains.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: flowmom] #127588
06/28/11 04:00 PM
06/28/11 04:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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CajunRose Offline OP
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Y'all are all awesome smile

Flo, it made me more sad to hear the mediator say that. It's still hard to accept that the man I picked as my children's father wasn't worthy. I feel bad for my children because eventually they will figure out where they lie on the priority list.

It also really brought home the level of denial we can be in. It took the mediator (who is, granted, trained in dealing with people) 2 hours to figure out what it took me 6 months to see.

WM, I'm not planning to rush into anything. I think it would be fun to go out a time or two and see what it's like to actually date (xH and I had no money in college so we didn't really go on dates). I have to relearn how to flirt and talk to men. But I don't see myself in any kind of relationship (and I'm not wired for flings) any time soon.

Time to have fun, do interesting things, and get settled in my new home. I like the life I have today just fine and I'm in no hurry to change it up (beyond the move). It will take someone really special to carve out a place for himself.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127592
06/28/11 04:09 PM
06/28/11 04:09 PM
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catperson Offline
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So happy for you.

Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: CajunRose] #127639
06/28/11 05:38 PM
06/28/11 05:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
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idontunderstand Offline
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Quote:
Time to have fun, do interesting things, and get settled in my new home.


So, CR, now that this phase is over, what do you have planned next? Any big adventures or just some relaxing?

Can't wait to read what comes next for you! thumbsup


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Blooming where I'm planted [Re: idontunderstand] #127650
06/28/11 06:16 PM
06/28/11 06:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline
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CR, best wishes for you to grow and flourish.

And don't feel bad for taking longer than the mediator to accept the truth. You had a vested interest in remaining in denial. The mediator didn't.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
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