Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 1 guest and 18 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
It Takes TIME to Process! #120532
06/13/11 06:19 PM
06/13/11 06:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,657
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
Professional Attorney
L
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,657
Over the last month or so, I have reviewed parts of my thread at the other place trying to figure out how I missed something as HUGE and CRITICAL as the link between undivided attention time, recreational companionship and Mark's Managing Memories concepts.

Nine or so months later, the tumblers fell into place with an audible click, and things are greatly, enormously, incredibly improved as a result.

I am not flexible enough to actually kick myself in the head, otherwise I would.

That said, maybe the time needed to pass for the strategies to be effective. Maybe those endless months of crippling anxiety doing everything in my power to make him feel safe and meet his needs were necessary. Maybe until his Lizard believed he is safe, his Lizard would remain closed to creation of positive intervening memories -- if his Lizard was wrong about letting go of the bad memories, he was for sure going to die.

Which brings me to the point of this thread from a peer counseling standpoint: IT TAKES TIME TO PROCESS.

How much time? As much time as it takes.

People show up here with marriage problems that fit certain patterns, and it is SO tempting to say, "Got it -- your wife is having an EA with a co-worker who lives around the corner, which is probably a PA but we will let you delude yourself for the time being. You need to get a keylogger on her computer, a GPS in her car, a VAR inserted in her abdomen, and spyware on her phone. What? You don't know what that stuff is or how to use it? You have been posting here for two whole days -- you aren't LISTENING. Put on your big boy pants, grow a pair, stop whining and get that overnight technology agree advertised on late night TV!

THEN you have to be real nice to her while not covering up or enabling her affair which means you tell her family, friends and anyone else you can think of about the affair. When do you tell everyone? Right now you idiot. You have been posting here for three whole days -- you aren't LISTENING. Yea, she'll be mad but don't worry -- we have seen it all and she will get over it within a few days. Your marriage can survive her anger but it cannot survive her affair. You don't know how to be nice and mean at the same time? Links here and here and here. Repeat that stuff -- it works every time.

THEN if she doesn't come around, you shut off all contact with her, kick her out of the house, take primary custody of the kids -- you'll need an intermediary -- what? You don't have anyone yet? You have been posting here for four whole days -- you aren't LISTENING! When do you kick her out? Don't worry, we'll tell you when the time comes. How do you kick her out? You are getting way ahead of yourself.

If she does come around, then she has to quit her job immediately. What? You need the income to pay the mortgage? You have been posting here for six whole days -- you aren't LISTENING -- your marriage can survive the loss of income, but it cannot survive continuing contact. Then she has write a no contact for life letter to her affair partner which looks like she wrote it, but really you did, or, more accurately, Dr. Harley did, then you mail it and sell your house. What? You haven't put your house on the market yet? Didn't you just say your can't afford it on one income?You have been posting here for seven whole days. You aren't LISTENING. What are you -- slow or something? Do you have a reading or comprehension disability? Then you have to move to a different city, and tell everyone you meet there about your wife's affair so they can give her support and hold her accountable. She has to agree to keep the keylogger on computer, GPS on her car, VAR imbedded in her abdomen, spyware on her phone, give up all relationships with anyone who knew about the affair, account for her time in 5 minute increments at 10 pm every day and have sex whenever and wherever you want until you say otherwise. What? You don't think your wife will go for that? You aren't LISTENING -- these are non-negociable boundaries. She has no choice.

(FTR, I'm not trying to advocate a plan with the above -- that's just the fact pattern with which I am most familiar.)

I was also struck by how quickly posters swung into action with advice on very thin facts. Of course, the way my situation was postured, any discussion of facts could and would be characterized as blame shifting or justification.

My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.

Seems sometimes the best thing we can do for a poster is slooooow things down to allow their brains to catch up to their lives, THEN develop a plan. It may be plan kick em to the curb, but even that plan needs some, well, planning.

(Although not germane to this thread topic, I was struck by two other things: (1) the number of people saying "send your husband" -- like 4 in the first page -- thank goodness THAT never happened.
(2) the open ended questions like "what are you willing to do?" I knew that there was an answer I was supposed to be giving, but didn't yet have the script. In that context, I was being set up for failure.)


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120552
06/13/11 06:44 PM
06/13/11 06:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,069
2long Offline
member
2long  Offline
member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,069


...but you forgot "you're enabling this affair by your inaction!" and "the vet you're accusing of berating you has 50 gazillion posts and a decade of experience, you you should LISTEN and do as you're told!

There's at least one thread like this going on right now over there... ...and I only opened the one thread!

-ol' 2long

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: 2long] #120564
06/13/11 07:00 PM
06/13/11 07:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
You are noticing that some of the advice being offered can be counter-productive, especially in light of some concepts you are now understanding more deeply.

This is a big part of why I call giving Advice, Suggestions, and Solutions pains in the ass. wink

If the premise is accepted that everyone already has the answers inside, then perhaps the proffered advice can be given the attention it deserves.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Fiddler] #120572
06/13/11 07:07 PM
06/13/11 07:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
Member
Larry  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas

As I type this, you posted 43 minutes ago. Is that enough time?

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Larry] #120583
06/13/11 07:17 PM
06/13/11 07:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Vibrissa Offline
Member
Vibrissa  Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Quote:
My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.


I was thinking of this while reading the thread over in Infidelity & Abandonment. Sometimes we do need to take time to process what is going on, what we are thinking or feeling. Sometimes that may seem like Limbo from the outside. Sometimes when we're ready to move on we can look back and think "Why did I waste so much time?" But I think that many times that time wasn't wasted. It was valuable time necessary to process, to think, to absorb, to be ready for what comes next.

When I broke up with my ex I knew I wanted to change, I wanted a different life. However I didn't begin to work on myself right away. I slipped into what may be termed 'limbo' for a good 4 months before I kicked my butt into gear.

Was I wasting time?

Maybe.

Maybe others in my position would have begun right away.
Maybe others in my position would have taken more time.

But I have come to believe I NEEDED that time. I needed to process where I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to go. When I was ready for it, I changed.

Which is why I think Plan A/Plan B are valuable tools. They provide just that: time. Time to make a decision. Time to work on yourself. Time to process before jumping headlong into the abyss.

Can it drag out too long? Can it become unhealthy?

Yes it can.

But that doesn't mean that some time spent in limbo is there for unnecessary, wasted, or doormat-ish.

There is a difference between doing nothing and waiting.

Sometimes, we just need time.

I keep thinking of two stories over on MB. Those of Queenie and Mimi. Both were in long Plan Bs but they weren't doing 'nothing' they weren't enabling their H's affairs. They were doing a lot... they just weren't divorcing. They weren't riding the D train full steam ahead. They were living their lives, taking their time, processing, growing learning.... and things eventually worked out for both of them.

I think there is value there.


Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
DD 6 yrs
DS 3 yrs
Ze Blog
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120669
06/13/11 09:39 PM
06/13/11 09:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline
Member
rob x  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

I am not flexible enough to actually kick myself in the head, otherwise I would.


hot yoga can do wonders for you wink

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120673
06/13/11 09:44 PM
06/13/11 09:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline
Member
rob x  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
Over the last month or so, I have reviewed parts of my thread at the other place trying to figure out how I missed something as HUGE and CRITICAL as the link between undivided attention time, recreational companionship and Mark's Managing Memories concepts.

Nine or so months later, the tumblers fell into place with an audible click, and things are greatly, enormously, incredibly improved as a result.

I am not flexible enough to actually kick myself in the head, otherwise I would.

That said, maybe the time needed to pass for the strategies to be effective. Maybe those endless months of crippling anxiety doing everything in my power to make him feel safe and meet his needs were necessary. Maybe until his Lizard believed he is safe, his Lizard would remain closed to creation of positive intervening memories -- if his Lizard was wrong about letting go of the bad memories, he was for sure going to die.

Which brings me to the point of this thread from a peer counseling standpoint: IT TAKES TIME TO PROCESS.

How much time? As much time as it takes.

People show up here with marriage problems that fit certain patterns, and it is SO tempting to say, "Got it -- your wife is having an EA with a co-worker who lives around the corner, which is probably a PA but we will let you delude yourself for the time being. You need to get a keylogger on her computer, a GPS in her car, a VAR inserted in her abdomen, and spyware on her phone. What? You don't know what that stuff is or how to use it? You have been posting here for two whole days -- you aren't LISTENING. Put on your big boy pants, grow a pair, stop whining and get that overnight technology agree advertised on late night TV!

THEN you have to be real nice to her while not covering up or enabling her affair which means you tell her family, friends and anyone else you can think of about the affair. When do you tell everyone? Right now you idiot. You have been posting here for three whole days -- you aren't LISTENING. Yea, she'll be mad but don't worry -- we have seen it all and she will get over it within a few days. Your marriage can survive her anger but it cannot survive her affair. You don't know how to be nice and mean at the same time? Links here and here and here. Repeat that stuff -- it works every time.

THEN if she doesn't come around, you shut off all contact with her, kick her out of the house, take primary custody of the kids -- you'll need an intermediary -- what? You don't have anyone yet? You have been posting here for four whole days -- you aren't LISTENING! When do you kick her out? Don't worry, we'll tell you when the time comes. How do you kick her out? You are getting way ahead of yourself.

If she does come around, then she has to quit her job immediately. What? You need the income to pay the mortgage? You have been posting here for six whole days -- you aren't LISTENING -- your marriage can survive the loss of income, but it cannot survive continuing contact. Then she has write a no contact for life letter to her affair partner which looks like she wrote it, but really you did, or, more accurately, Dr. Harley did, then you mail it and sell your house. What? You haven't put your house on the market yet? Didn't you just say your can't afford it on one income?You have been posting here for seven whole days. You aren't LISTENING. What are you -- slow or something? Do you have a reading or comprehension disability? Then you have to move to a different city, and tell everyone you meet there about your wife's affair so they can give her support and hold her accountable. She has to agree to keep the keylogger on computer, GPS on her car, VAR imbedded in her abdomen, spyware on her phone, give up all relationships with anyone who knew about the affair, account for her time in 5 minute increments at 10 pm every day and have sex whenever and wherever you want until you say otherwise. What? You don't think your wife will go for that? You aren't LISTENING -- these are non-negociable boundaries. She has no choice.

(FTR, I'm not trying to advocate a plan with the above -- that's just the fact pattern with which I am most familiar.)

I was also struck by how quickly posters swung into action with advice on very thin facts. Of course, the way my situation was postured, any discussion of facts could and would be characterized as blame shifting or justification.

My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.

Seems sometimes the best thing we can do for a poster is slooooow things down to allow their brains to catch up to their lives, THEN develop a plan. It may be plan kick em to the curb, but even that plan needs some, well, planning.

(Although not germane to this thread topic, I was struck by two other things: (1) the number of people saying "send your husband" -- like 4 in the first page -- thank goodness THAT never happened.
(2) the open ended questions like "what are you willing to do?" I knew that there was an answer I was supposed to be giving, but didn't yet have the script. In that context, I was being set up for failure.)


LG I think I love you,
when did you develop a sense of humor?

From my own observations,
you've always been such a serious stick in the.... mud,
this side of you is very cool.

When you pass GO, collect $200, you've earned it wink

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120677
06/13/11 09:49 PM
06/13/11 09:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline
Member
rob x  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.


Yes you're right, it does take time,
I don't know if it takes 6 months to a few years but yeah processing data does take time.

Is it processing data that take so long?
or hesitating to act because it seems like a scary thing to do when all you have been doing is thinking and processing data?

Crawl, Walk, Run... Put on your big boy pants, grow a pair, stop whining and get that overnight technology agree advertised on late night TV!

smile


Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: rob x] #120679
06/13/11 09:49 PM
06/13/11 09:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
Bravo LG. Bravo and tickertape and confetti and the great amounts of laughter and BAZINGA that I have needed all stinkin' day.

I don;t have to think......I KNOW I love you.

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Vibrissa] #120680
06/13/11 09:53 PM
06/13/11 09:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 140
Ontario, Canada
Edmond Dantes Offline
Member
Edmond Dantes  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 140
Ontario, Canada
I've heard my own situation referred to as Limbo. I think Purgatory is a better term for where I've been.

I think it's all been valuable and necessary for me. Just sayin'.

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: rob x] #120689
06/13/11 10:09 PM
06/13/11 10:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
LadyGrey has always had a fabulous, wicked sense of humor, at least as long as I've been reading her posts here.

What has always impressed me is the ability to maintain humor (albeit somewhat dark at times) through the pain of her situation (IRL as well as here).

Originally Posted By: rob x
Crawl, Walk, Run... Put on your big boy pants, grow a pair, stop whining and get that overnight technology agree advertised on late night TV!
That's a lot to process - I'll have to think about it for awhile. wink


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: rob x] #120712
06/13/11 10:48 PM
06/13/11 10:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
Member
Larry  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Originally Posted By: rob x
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.


Yes you're right, it does take time,
I don't know if it takes 6 months to a few years but yeah processing data does take time.

Is it processing data that take so long?
or hesitating to act because it seems like a scary thing to do when all you have been doing is thinking and processing data?

Crawl, Walk, Run... Put on your big boy pants, grow a pair, stop whining and get that overnight technology agree advertised on late night TV!

smile



Example of it taking a few years. Well respected poster of great advice was never able to quite get there with his/her own spouse. Eventually a meeting was scheduled with a divorce lawyer - five years or six going on. Major changes were noticed overnight. It took as long as it did for the meeting and oddly enough, the major changes didn't take long at all.

grin

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120713
06/13/11 10:52 PM
06/13/11 10:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,705
F
ForeverHers Offline
Member
ForeverHers  Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,705
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
IT TAKES TIME TO PROCESS.

How much time? As much time as it takes.


LOL! So true! And tomorrow it will be 36 years of processing for my wife and I. hug

Just now beginning to understand what Flag Day means! yflag

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: ForeverHers] #120740
06/13/11 11:56 PM
06/13/11 11:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,072
SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
Board of Directors
Mark1952  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,072
SW Chicago 'burbs
LG,


Mark cool


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120750
06/14/11 12:11 AM
06/14/11 12:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,064
Looking4 Offline
Member
Looking4  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,064
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
My point is, processing all of the data takes TIME. I wonder if some of what is called "limbo" is processing time, processing time extended by the insistence that the poster "get it" and "do it" NOW.

Seems sometimes the best thing we can do for a poster is slooooow things down to allow their brains to catch up to their lives, THEN develop a plan. It may be plan kick em to the curb, but even that plan needs some, well, planning.

Yep!

Originally Posted By: Vibissa
But that doesn't mean that some time spent in limbo is there for unnecessary, wasted, or doormat-ish.

There is a difference between doing nothing and waiting.

Sometimes, we just need time.

Yep!


Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Looking4] #120753
06/14/11 12:17 AM
06/14/11 12:17 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
Congratulations, FH!!

sorry for the T/J

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: herfuturesbright] #120780
06/14/11 12:44 AM
06/14/11 12:44 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Notable post by LG!

Adding it to the new directory


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Lil] #120834
06/14/11 01:53 AM
06/14/11 01:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
Member
Larry  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas

What lildoggie said - 4 well dones!

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Larry] #120845
06/14/11 02:06 AM
06/14/11 02:06 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
Member
Larry  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas

This is not necessarily a threadjack:

Quote:
I was also struck by how quickly posters swung into action with advice on very thin facts. Of course, the way my situation was postured, any discussion of facts could and would be characterized as blame shifting or justification.


Not enough questions, assumptions based on 40,000 posts or whatever, lack of "The other partner's" point of view, "Canned responses" based on lack of time spent in analysis, with a "Head 'em up and move 'em out" cattle herding mantra.

Sure there's a script. Does this mean that everyone who follows the script does so for the same reason? Does this mean that everyone who is mouthing a script will respond to the same stimulus the same way? Does this mean that those who attempt to gain control of the situation can actually do the same things as the canned script advice dictates, with the same time interval, with the exact same words and tone of voice.

Oh wait, you don't get tone of voice in written advice.

Just saying.

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Larry] #120853
06/14/11 02:15 AM
06/14/11 02:15 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
I would also add that not only does it take time to process, it takes time for any course of action to yield results. People didn't get into their situations overnight, and those situations will also not be resolved overnight.

I do perceive a tendency to want quick results, either from one's spouse or from a poster one is assisting.

We cannot dictate another's healing process, including timeline.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #120883
06/14/11 02:56 AM
06/14/11 02:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,657
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
Professional Attorney
L
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,657
Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen
I would also add that not only does it take time to process, it takes time for any course of action to yield results. People didn't get into their situations overnight, and those situations will also not be resolved overnight.


EXACTLY.

We aren't mixing blue and yellow paint to make green.

My guess is that there is no shortage of people from here and the other place who believe my marriage has no hope.

So very wrong. It has taken close to a year to get here. I declined to give up, although I wasted a LOT of time agreeing with whoever was available that I should be beaten down. From my standpoint, it SEEMED that people mostly wanted a resolution which came in one of two flavors: (1) you lack the requisite spirit of remorse and repentance, so you should divorce your husband on that basis (but wait! He doesn't want a divorce AT ALL!) or (2) your husband is abusive and you must divorce on that basis (but wait! Maybe my affair could be a catalyst for change! I'm practicing boundaries - should I really give up?)

I would imagine faithful spouses feel that same sort of pressure.

Maybe the dynamic is driven by the immediacy of the goal - bust the affair.

It's real easy to sit here and have a laugh, but I have in my admittedly limited forum life seen two fact patterns where the husband seemed determinedly blind. And that did feel urgent to me.

So how does one communicate a sense of urgency without MasterTalk? Or without being dismissive of the poster? Or lecturing?

I'm not convinced it can be done.

Footnote: OMG Rob, if you could see what I DON'T post. Humor from the unfaithful side of the fence flat doesn't play, but I do crack myself up - then delete..... The day I stop finding a way to laugh at whatever is the day my oldest son is to euthanize me - the discussion about those parameters was hilarious - he and I LAUGH!



Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: LadyGrey] #120949
06/14/11 06:06 AM
06/14/11 06:06 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
Member
flowmom  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
When I first joined DB, I was sick with pneumonia, couldn't eat, and devastated emotionally. All I wanted was warm, empathetic hand-holding...and easy-to-follow advice about how the make the nightmare that I was living go away. But my thread did attract some more strident sounding posters whose quivers were filled with truth darts and who would not address anything other than my reality, as they saw it. I felt that they were trying to fast-forward me through recovery, and plus they were probably trying to project their own baggage onto my situation.

Over time, thought, I realized that these posters had a sincere intention to help me and I spent a lot of time trying to understand where they were coming from. Even when I was protesting, I listened. Even when I had judgments about the posters themselves (because they weren't writing what I wanted to read), I looked for the truth in what they wrote. Their posts planted seeds in me and helped me to set an intention for moving forward. And I give them some credit for the fact that my own progress surprised me in a good way.

So this is my point:
It takes time to process. But sometimes a seed that is planted "too early" in the season is the first to bear fruit.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: flowmom] #121025
06/14/11 02:28 PM
06/14/11 02:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Online
Advocate
Ace  Online
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: flowmom
So this is my point:
It takes time to process. But sometimes a seed that is planted "too early" in the season is the first to bear fruit.


Great thread LdG and it's so good to hear about your progress (and wicked sense of humor).

Also, congratulations to FH on your 36th. Major accomplishment for both of you.

Flow, it may seem like I'm stalking you eek but again, like on Wildwoodflower's thread, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly. Planting "advice or suggestion" seeds is a gamble that IMHO is best framed by IME (In MY Experience) statements. I usually avoid threads with sitches of which I have no experience except to offer hugs and general support.

One of the greatest thrills I've experienced in my 4+ years of posting on marriage discussion forums (2) is when someone posts that something I said months or years ago has begun to resonate with either the poster to which it was posted or with someone else who read it and gradually related.

It does take time to process...and I wish I had more time to post!

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Ace] #121060
06/14/11 03:24 PM
06/14/11 03:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,505
Amadahy Offline
Member
Amadahy  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,505
I see a differet pattern Lady Gee... I am not good a discerning master talk vs...other talk so I hope you accept what I am saying in the spirit I am saying it (which is really really excited).


I see the same pattern I went through.

A period of - I am unworthy and have to take what is dished out.
Then a period of - I am worthy, i dont want to take this but I want to save my marriage.

Then at last a period of... I wont take this, dont deserve it and if he doesn't get it, then it's his loss.

I see my H (and possibly yours) as wanting both the misery and victim hood and me (and you)... As long as we stayed with them in the pit of misery...they got everything.

Once we said - done with this, and got out, they had to make a choice...even if living in the same house you can change your attitude and not allow the miserable behavior to affect you...and they sense that departure...and my husband choose to follow me out of misery. It looks like so did yours.

I am so very happy for you. Enjoy the peace and happiness that you deserve.

You are right, it takes time for the BH to process and for us.

Re: It Takes TIME to Process! [Re: Ace] #121079
06/14/11 03:55 PM
06/14/11 03:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
Member
flowmom  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
Ace, I like to think of it as discovering alignments smile


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fiddler 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.025s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 3.3824 MB (Peak: 3.7618 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 09:29:34 UTC