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Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: Bugsmom] #101180
05/02/11 05:41 PM
05/02/11 05:41 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Thank you all again for all your kind words and support. I do appreciate it very much.

Things are still pretty chaotic - but I'm in a better mental place lately and coping a bit better than I was.

I dropped one evening at my 2nd job and that has helped tremendously.

Still working on packing in preparation for moving at the end of this month. It should be interesting. The people in the new house were supposed to move out a couple weeks before the end of the month. Now they are planning to move the same weekend I'm moving in. I don't know how that is going to work.

Things are still pretty heart breaking on my mother's end. I don't remember if I posted about it earlier but her ex was in the state mental hospital and punched some guy and broke his nose. I've seen the report from the state hospital - essentially everything is blamed on the MS. He is willing to plead Guilty by Reason of Mental Illness. And he will get out - to be monitored in the community. The Prosecutor couldn't find a way around it as our own psychologist agreed that he is mentally ill and not in control of his outbursts. I think he is a very good manipulator. Before he was diagnosed with MS, he was not much different. He doesn't have to play by any rules or laws. He makes his own and others better follow. They also diagnosed him with Narcissistic personality disorder, but only secondary to the brain damage due to MS. Their information is mainly taken by his word. Him being such a trustworthy source and all......

The family was very concerned that as soon as he got out, he and my mother would leave the state and we would never hear from her again. We found some of her writings that essentially laid out what they were going to do. The Prosecutor talked to me about becoming her Guardian and declaring HER mentally ill. I don't know if she is mentally ill or just making some very dangerous decisions because of being innocent/ignorant. Even being her Guardian, I could not stop her from taking off.

He is back in the county jail from the state hospital. He's been here a couple weeks. Yesterday we heard that he beat up another inmate who made him mad. Apparently, this final act got through to my mother and she went to the jail and "broke up" with him. He then called that evening and she talked to him. I don't have high hopes that she will stay away from him.

We are trying to reach the prosecutor this morning and seeing what we can get changed so that he doesn't just walk. He should not be let out into society. Who's going to make him mad next? How many people does he have to beat to actually pay the consequences? "mentally ill" or not he will kill someone. Quite possibly my mother. If their mother, daughter, sister etc was at risk would their decision be the same?

This morning was a doozy. DD17 took both sets of my truck keys when she left the house this morning. I was franticly looking for them when she left and asked if she had them. "Well, of course not! Why would I have your keys?!" Then she calls me from the gas station and says "oh, my bad. I have your keys."  by then I had located a spare key and was on my way in.

I was 2 blocks from work and DD16 calls. She rear-ended somebody on her way to school. Thankfully no one was hurt and she hit a very low value car. 80's something Buick LeSabre that was already a little crunched. Still…..she got a careless driving ticket which will create huge problems for insurance and maybe her graduated license status. She gets an insurance discount right now of 40% - which she will lose with any traffic violation.

We get to see the judge tomorrow at 10.  I've already told she has to pay any costs associated the ticket, the increase in insurance, the costs of repairing the car, etc etc. I really hope we can talk our way into getting it reduced or removed if she doesn't get any other violations.

Onward and upward. Crazy busy at work, a few really good contracts hopefully raises are in the cards this year.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #101320
05/03/11 12:05 AM
05/03/11 12:05 AM
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SFB Offline
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Wild:

Hope things work out, and your Mothers Husband stays in jail. Or, maybe, he crosses the wrong guy while in there. Sounds evil, I know, but if he walks out, your Mom's days are numbered....

Sorry about the frantic morning, and I hope DD16 wasn't texting in her car....

Glad that having one more day at home has relieved the stress somewhat. Hope the move works out.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: SFB] #101706
05/03/11 09:01 PM
05/03/11 09:01 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Thanks, SFB, for the kind thoughts.

yes, we are so aware that if he gets out her days are numbered. She did go to a counselor yesterday and came back really glad that she went.

I don't know how much good it will do long term.

The county attorney says nothing happened in the jail this weekend and that he would be the first to know. I have my doubts, but he says what he says. He also said that "IF" it did happen, R was just reacting to another inmate. Ya think? I'm sure that R thinks the same thing, it's not his fault, other people "make" him act the way he does.

He is frustrated because my mother has been working against us. She's called the public defender's office and is helping them to release him in any way she can. I can definately relate to his frustration, but that is why the domestic violence laws were changed. They shouldn't need her cooperation to prosecute - there is more than enough evidence without her saying a word.

I don't know if she will still be helping the defense after what happened this weekend but if it isn't now, it will be the case again soon, I'm sure.

I really don't know what more we can do. If someone really wants to jump off a cliff, they will find a way around you to get to the cliff.

Basically, they are going to let him walk. county attorney says it is unconstitutional to put the mentally ill in prison. My opinion is that a large percentage of people in prison ARE mentally ill. They won't sentence him to the state mental hospital because it is overcrowded and they have no room. After his recent stay there for evaulation, they have determined he can be monitored in the community.

I think they are wrong - dead wrong. When he kills her, will they find room then?

He now has an excuse for every violent acts he commits.......

Last edited by wildhorses; 05/03/11 09:13 PM.
Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #101708
05/03/11 09:07 PM
05/03/11 09:07 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Survived court with DD16. She received a $90 fine, a deferred reckless charge (off in 6 months if no more violations) and has to take another driving class.

I hope this is enough to get her attention. It was a pretty minor accident and I would hope it wouldn't take anything worse to really make an impression.

The judge was stern but not overly so. I'm glad. It needs to mean something so she won't want to return.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #101782
05/03/11 11:41 PM
05/03/11 11:41 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's choices to help her abuser. That's just sad and frightening to think what could happen to her if she goes back to him. ((((((Foxy)))))

If only your mother knew her worth...so sad.

Good to hear DD16 wasn't hurt and the punishment fit. Whenever I'm in the poo storm of my life, I chant to myself...this will come to an end, this will pass. I try not to listen to the negative side that is softly saying "then it will be something else" smirk

Please, steal some moments away to take care of yourself.


Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #102047
05/04/11 04:43 PM
05/04/11 04:43 PM
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Hey Cowgirl, I just saw all this. Sorry about your Mom and the carousel of abuse she is on. My own Mother was a life long martyr victim junkie but nothing like this. You are clear on your path about what you can and cannot do but that does not make it any less tough.

I never had to go to court with DD. She had a couple photo tickets in her time but nothing else.

But still she called the other day and asked for my health insurance group number. I told her it is prominantly displayed on the insurance card I gave her. You know, the one I got to replace the first one you lost? "Ummmmm.....I can't find it." *sigh*

Take care Cowgirl.

Babs wearing a ring yet?






Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: chrisner] #102521
05/05/11 09:00 PM
05/05/11 09:00 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Hello, friends. smile Thanks for stopping by.

RE: Mom. I hope I am doing the right thing. She is extremely resentful that I won't just go along with what she decides in regards to R. She is telling people that "Fox is going to be sorry one day. What if he did kill me, or if I got in a car wreck. She should be spending the time that she can with me while I am here."

cry I say boo friggin who. She made a choice. She will lose the rest of the family if R gets out and she returns to him. Goodbye daughters, goodbye son, goodbye grandkids.

I really cannot let my energy get sucked dry by worrying about her and being frustrated that she will not protect herself. Thankfully, the counselor is telling her the same things that I would. She has told my mom that I am probably protecting myself.

She also told my mom that R is an addiction and that like any other drug it is hard to get away from. She did not tell her it is impossible. Now my mom uses "I'm addicted" to excuse all the contact.

Blah. zen I know I've got to stay out of it. She will not see it until she is ready to. All my attempts at convincing only cause me frustration that she doesn't get it.

Originally Posted By: Coach
I never had to go to court with DD. She had a couple photo tickets in her time but nothing else.


It used to be that you could just go in and pay the fines if you were going to plead guilty. Now you have to see a judge for ALL of it. Parents didn't always know when kids got tickets - they'd be paid and insurance would eventually catch up. Now parents have to go in with their minors.

Kids........what do ya do?

Nope, no ring for babs yet that I know of. I doubt it will ever come to that.

DD16 called WxH last night to see if she could spend the night. She is working on a float for the parade tomorrow and had to be there at 8am. She asked if she could stay there since it is closer and she could work later the night before. I was there when she called.

DD16: Hey, Dad. Is it okay if I stay the night tonight. (explanation......)

WxH: Just a second. I need to check.

scratch

He needs to check?

DD16 hears him "check". babs approved the request.

WxH: Yeah, it's fine.

Bugged DD16 to no end. She ended up staying at a friend's house instead.

What a maroon he is.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #102555
05/05/11 10:28 PM
05/05/11 10:28 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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Happy Early Mother's Day, Foxilicious!

Originally Posted By: Foxy
Now my mom uses "I'm addicted" to excuse all the contact.


Yeah (SL slaps her head)...are you sure your mother isn't a teenager??? crazy Was she like this before she met R or do you think the abuse has changed her?



Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #104916
05/12/11 03:05 PM
05/12/11 03:05 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Hello, pals. grin

It's a beautiful sunny day in Big Sky Country. Too bad I'm at work. Spent lots of quality time with horses last night and definately brings a calmness to my soul.

Thank you, oh Lucid One for the Mother's Day sentiment. Right back at ya! Hope yours was filled with love.

I had 4 kids on that day instead of two. Apparently, DDs BFs moms had other stuff going that day. I put them to work helping us pack. smile Idle hands, ya know.............

tired I didn't call my mother. I think the abuse changed her, SL, but I also know that she has always lived in a world of denial. Anything she didn't want to deal with - she didn't. Ignore it and never happened. The abuse has made her less worthy of having an opinion than even before.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #105148
05/12/11 08:49 PM
05/12/11 08:49 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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DD17 graduates from high school next month. I would like to find something special and heartfelt to give her. I've considered buying her a digital picture frame and gathering pictures from her life to put in it. But I'm not sure that's "enough", KWIM?

I want her to recognize and be proud of this accomplishments. School has always been a struggle for her - there's a sense of relief that "we" made it.

I'm excited for her and looking forward to seeing where she goes from here.

I'm excited for me, too. I'm looking forward to having some free time when DD16 is at her dads. I don't think DD17 will be out right away when she turns 18 - but I'm hoping some of my guilt and feeling of obligation will ease if I choose not to be home when she is at home. I'm going to have to work on some tough love.....

I allow responsibility to weigh me down so heavily that I lose out on enjoying life because I do what I think I "should."

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #105160
05/12/11 09:05 PM
05/12/11 09:05 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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How about a piece of jewelry engraved with something you want her to remember? Include the book "Oh, The Places You'll Go" and the picture frame.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #105487
05/13/11 03:13 PM
05/13/11 03:13 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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That's something I would really love to do. If I can swing the finances, I'd love to get her a ring with an inspirational inscription - something that would last her lifetime.

She would really like an ipod touch or something along those lines......but those things come and go and get outdated, lost, or broken.

I don't want it to be a gift that will last a short time and be put aside. This is a milestone I want her to remember and appreciate for a very long time. and I'd like it to be something she can look at and remind herself that life is what you make of it - it doesn't have to just happen to you.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #105504
05/13/11 03:51 PM
05/13/11 03:51 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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My mom made me a shadow box with my tassle and a pic of us. I loved it. Every piece of jewelry she ever bought me, I adore. Every photo album, I love. Those are the gifts that keep on giving.

An ipod touch is nice. You can load it with a special song to your daughter...something that will make her bawl. cry dancing

I personally like the song "Lullabye" by Billy Joel. Watch it, Foxy...

Lullabye...Billy Joel


Last edited by silentlucidity; 05/13/11 03:52 PM.
Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #105526
05/13/11 04:37 PM
05/13/11 04:37 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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That made me bawl!!!!!

Thank you for sharing.

I've always wanted to do a shadow box.......I can't believe I hadn't thought of that. smile thank you again. I found some fantastic ideas on what to do for it.

I think I'll still do the digital photo frame - and add the song I choose to it. She can turn it on or off as she likes. I'll also do the shadow box.

I think I'll save the ring with inscription for her 18th birthday in August.

I think I have a plan! Thank you!!!

I'm leaning towards:

Still under consideration.....we like some of Kid Rock's countryish songs, too.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #105528
05/13/11 04:39 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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One of my favs (I don't really know why....just strikes a cord.)





Boy, isn't that an attractive video beginning.......


Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #106591
05/16/11 04:12 PM
05/16/11 04:12 PM
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Gollum is a big Kid Rock fan. Now of course I understand WxW is too. I remember on a sales trip with him a few years ago in Southern Colorado he had this Kid Rock CD cranked up so loud I finally threatened to throw it out the truck window.

So I guess I would vote for that Natasha girl. Well….and she's hot too.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: chrisner] #107045
05/17/11 12:06 PM
05/17/11 12:06 PM
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Ms Foxxy,


Am glad to hear you had a good Mother's Day! Sorry I wasn't here to say it 'on time'. Am sorry to hear of Mom still subjecting herself to her own victimization, but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do in order to keep your boundary and protect yourself & your girls.

Hearing about DD's and the Ex back & forth about staying there sure makes me think about Ladybugs future exchanges with Drac. He's recently engaged and we are in the middle of a 'trial period' of a new schedule with him having more time. I may have to start my own thread in a week or so (when things get finalized).

Already she's missed one softball practice and he told her last night he'll be unable to take her tomorrow night. I, of course, will step up to the plate. UGH. Am not looking forward to her teenage years with him in the middle of it all.

How very exciting that DD 17 is graduating! Congratulations to you BOTH! I'm disappointed I missed the whole exchange on picking out the gift! I LOVE 'shopping' for other people! smile As usual, though, you and SL arrived at exactly what I would have suggested! Great ideas & DD 17 will love it!

So, how's the packing coming along and what's the plan?


Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #108013
05/18/11 11:34 PM
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I would go for Natasha over Kid any day, all day. I'm glad you have a plan, Foxy. Makes me miss my mom a bit.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #111342
05/25/11 09:15 PM
05/25/11 09:15 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Hello again, peeps! Thanks for checking in. Sorry I haven't been around much. The boys at the office decided to bid a bunch of projects in the same week. crazy It's gotten a little out of hand.

I'm looking forward to this Friday and all of next week to be off to move. I probably don't need the whole week - but I am taking it. dancing

I had to take DD16 to the doctor today. While moving boxes in the garage last week, she was bit by a spider. It is now a staph infection. Very painful and uncomfortable. They lanced it and took a culture and will let us know if we need to do anything more than the current antibiotics. Yuck!

Never a dull moment.

I don't envy you, bugs, in getting into the teen years with your ex. Although there is an advantage. Teens get mouthier, not just to you - but to him, too. He may finally hear in the teen years, what she has been bottling up as an adolescent - and you may hear more of how it has effected her and understand more of the resentment she has kept inside.

DD16 is not afraid to display disgust for some of WxH's baloney. It helps now that she is driving too - no drop off / pick up contact and manuevering. And anxiety....because even now, after all these years - my blood pressure rises anytime we have contact.

I have to do alot of zen

DD17 graduates next weekend and I'm sure WxH is bringing the ho....

zen

I'm not sure how many nails can be put in the coffin of DD17 and WxH's relationship - but he keeps pounding away at it. smirk

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: chrisner] #111345
05/25/11 09:17 PM
05/25/11 09:17 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: chrisner
Gollum is a big Kid Rock fan. Now of course I understand WxW is too. I remember on a sales trip with him a few years ago in Southern Colorado he had this Kid Rock CD cranked up so loud I finally threatened to throw it out the truck window.

So I guess I would vote for that Natasha girl. Well….and she's hot too.


Why must waywards ruin everything?

Natasha it is. grin

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: silentlucidity] #111353
05/25/11 09:29 PM
05/25/11 09:29 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: silentlucidity
Makes me miss my mom a bit.



hug

I miss my mom sometimes, too. Although she is still living, she is a different person.

My older sister had an email conversation with her the other day. I get all kinds of conflicted feelings when I see some of what she said.

Apparently we are trying to manipulate her into doing what we want since we aren't talking with her - and that just drives her to him faster because she doesn't have anyone else. We've abandoned her and given up on her. She had to leave work the other day because she was so upset about it.

She refuses to think about WHY we can't be involved with her while she is doing these things. I WILL NOT go to the hospital and see my mother's face crushed in, or to identify her body when he kills her.

I. Will. Not.

And it will happen again if/when he gets out.

My sister keeps saying that while we are being strong in holding our own in not supporting her current actions that "we will be there to pick up the pieces again."

I. Will. Not.

I cannot run behind her and pick up all the broken pieces when the result of her actions are KNOWN and she chooses that path anyway. IF she can pick up her own broken pieces, it might make her realize that she can't make those choices again.

zen

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #117686
06/07/11 09:44 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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Well, it's been a little while since I've updated. A few big events have happened.

First and foremost.....DD17 graduated last Saturday. What a mixture of feelings I've had. She has become such a wonderful young woman, yet still seems like a child at times. There were quite a few moments over the years that I was not sure she would graduate on time. She has struggled mightily with some subjects in school. I am so grateful and proud that she has made it - and these last few years were much easier. I've thought about how close we were to losing her at birth and no matter what direction she chooses to take in her life, I am so grateful that she is here.

I have many conflicting emotions (as usual.) I'm excited for her to begin her adult life and to be able to set her free and for me to be able to let go of some of the burden of child-rearing.

I am excited for her (and me) yet afraid at the same time. What if I didn't teach her everything she'll need to know?

We all know I'm a bit wordy....but the card I chose for DD17 for graduation was the opposite. I considered the ones with all the wise words and inspirational quotes. Then I thought, "I've been pushing all of these things on her for as long as I can remember. I motivated her, I guided her, I advised her." Now is the culmination of all our (DD17 and I's) work towards her adulthood.

Basically the card told her that I trust her to make her own decisions for her life.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #117689
06/07/11 09:49 PM
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Congratulations! What a huge step - for you and for DD 17. Trust that you've taught her more than you even know you did, for she watches you and learns from more than your words.

hug Hugs to both of you and wishes for a bright future for DD.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #117700
06/07/11 10:00 PM
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wildhorses Offline OP
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It was a glorious sunny day on graduation - thankfully a break in all the rain.

My Sis22 and DD17's boyfriend came with me.

WxH came and sat alone. babs and her DS went to the Farmer's Market. His mother is too sick with emphysemia to go out of the house. His sister didn't come but DD16 thinks it's because WxH didn't send out the announcements.

WxH made it down on the field first after the ceremony. He and DD17 were very awkard together - we could see them as we were trying to get through the crowd. He has turned so grey. He was very quiet and seemed to feel out of place.

As we reached DD17, I gave her a big hug and congratulated her. Her best friend from kindergarten was standing with her and I took a couple of pictures of them. I leaned in so WxH couldn't hear and asked DD17 if she wanted a picture with her dad. She said no.

He and I did not speak to each other and DD17 didn't introduce her boyfriend to him. Sis22 didn't speak to him, either. As we walked out, DD17 and her boyfriend walked with WxH and Sis22 and I walked ahead. Sounds awkward but it wasn't. I joked with DD17 and Sis22 and I chatted away. WxH lit a cigarette immediately upon walking out of the stadium. frown He spoke in a hushed voice as they walked to the cars.

DD17 and WxH had talked earlier and he told her he had something for her but not to expect much because he was broke.

Why must it always be such a pity part for him? His quiet demeanor and comments about being broke are just attempts at making everyone else feel guilty and sorry for him. He chose is ho - he is reaping the benefits.

I would HATE to be him. No friends, no family, no relationship with my DD. He's right - he is pathetic - but I don't feel sorry for him.

Re: wildhorses reins in and breaks through.............. [Re: wildhorses] #117701
06/07/11 10:02 PM
06/07/11 10:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 725
Almost in The People's Republi...
chrisner Offline
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chrisner  Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 725
Almost in The People's Republi...
Quote:
DD17 graduated last Saturday


I saw the pics. Congratulations.

Quote:
What if I didn't teach her everything she'll need to know?


Are you going somewhere? Believe me, you have not taught her all she needs to know. This is the hard part. They flounder. But less and less in time.


Quote:
We all know I'm a bit wordy
shocked


Quote:
Basically the card told her that I trust her to make her own decisions for her life.

No. She probably will make a few bad ones along the way. Just love, guide and support.

Last edited by chrisner; 06/07/11 10:02 PM. Reason: Her Mom looked pretty good in those pics too!
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