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Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #113454
05/30/11 04:01 PM
05/30/11 04:01 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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She always does things quicker if she takes someone along. The problem is I work full time...

This is how OM got in the door... I can't be two places at once!

She needs to do it herself unfortunately. Someone has to bring home the $$$... And in our home they're in short supply!


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Allen_A] #113476
05/30/11 04:53 PM
05/30/11 04:53 PM
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Seeing Red Offline OP
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^^^I understand. Just trying to add a little spice... wink


XH 49, Me 47
DD 14, 12 S 9

Married: July 1986
Bomb: July 2008
Divorce Final May 2011

"When people show you who they are, believe them," - Maya Angelou
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #113585
05/30/11 07:48 PM
05/30/11 07:48 PM
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catperson Offline
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I was thinking more of the guys who divorce, and then the kidds start seeing less and less of him. Because he's perfectly willing to give up 'that' family. And start over (or else just go back to being a 17 year old again).

And Allen, I want to work at your company! Paid massages? Wow!

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: catperson] #113594
05/30/11 07:59 PM
05/30/11 07:59 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson

And Allen, I want to work at your company! Paid massages? Wow!


Ya, you'd think someone would actually take advantage of the perks I can offer when I'm at work... instead of having an affair... lol


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #113595
05/30/11 07:59 PM
05/30/11 07:59 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
^^^I understand. Just trying to add a little spice... wink


Yes, I understand, but during infidleity recovery that's not likely to happen I'm afraid.. :|


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Orchid2] #113694
05/30/11 11:19 PM
05/30/11 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted By: Orchid2
Lesson learned: A high IQ does not exempt one from being stupid in the lesson of life. wink

Pfftt... tell me about it. I'm surprised most of them can manage to drive themselves in to work.

My former mentor used to say it's like working in an insane asylum where the inmates get to go home at night.

And the problem with PIs divorcing their spouses for their grad. students, post docs, is not new. It's actually pretty bad.

There is tenured WAS down the hall and a recently retired OW one floor below me. Both were products of affairs in the lab. Weird thing is the xW of the first guy works directly above me.

--Fergie

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Fergie] #115255
06/02/11 06:14 PM
06/02/11 06:14 PM
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Seeing Red Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Fergie
Originally Posted By: Orchid2
Lesson learned: A high IQ does not exempt one from being stupid in the lesson of life. wink

Pfftt... tell me about it. I'm surprised most of them can manage to drive themselves in to work.


Rocket science? Let me show you the protocol...

Balance checkbook? Uh, Houston, we have a problem...

LOL!

XH continues to pursue the girls like a stalker via text messages.

Following their lead, I'm ignoring his texts and phone calls. Nothing earth-shattering anyway. Let him stew and wonder what's up with us.

We'll be moving in a few weeks. I can't wait to be 20 minutes away in a secluded area vs 5 minutes away on a busy street. When he drives by to "see how we're doing," I'll know about it...



XH 49, Me 47
DD 14, 12 S 9

Married: July 1986
Bomb: July 2008
Divorce Final May 2011

"When people show you who they are, believe them," - Maya Angelou
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #115267
06/02/11 06:43 PM
06/02/11 06:43 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Originally Posted By: Seeing Red

We'll be moving in a few weeks. I can't wait to be 20 minutes away in a secluded area vs 5 minutes away on a busy street. When he drives by to "see how we're doing," I'll know about it...


You can always ask the court for a restraining order... lol


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #115317
06/02/11 08:10 PM
06/02/11 08:10 PM
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SpinFree Offline
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Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
Following their lead, I'm ignoring his texts and phone calls. Nothing earth-shattering anyway. Let him stew and wonder what's up with us.

We'll be moving in a few weeks. I can't wait to be 20 minutes away in a secluded area vs 5 minutes away on a busy street. When he drives by to "see how we're doing," I'll know about it...


Red,

You are angry. It comes through loud and clear. You have a right to be angry.

Your XH is reaching out to the children. Texts, drive-bys, etc. They are inappropriate, but they are still effort. You can't criticize him for not contacting them and then support them not answering his texts by joining in the silence. THAT'S HORRIBLE.

He could be in PRISON and it would still be YOUR JOB to foster a healthy relationship between the children and their father.

YOU need to help the children find appropriate ways to contact their father and vice versa. HE IS reaching out to them. It's not the way YOU want. It's NOT the way the children NEED. Help THEM establish the best relationship they can with their father.

YOUR ANGER is negatively affecting your children. Let them own their own anger, but don't let them reflect yours. Move On.

I'm NOT saying he's a good parent. I AM saying that your children have the opportunity for a better relationship with their father and YOU can help.

SF

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115338
06/02/11 08:56 PM
06/02/11 08:56 PM
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Mary Emma Offline
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SpinFree,
I agree mostly, I am worried taht he will be abusive to the kids though.
He did leave the five year old unsupervised. He also stated that one of his daughters is fat.

It seems that he doesn't feed them enough when he does have then....


IDK

Is there a parenting class for divorceing parents in your state, Red?

My mother encouraged a relaionship with my father. Mixed feelings about it. Glad I did have somewhat of a relationship b/c when he died at least I knew him.

Our relationship was all about him though for the most part. His drama, what upsets him, etc. All I ever did was listen, he was almost incapable of really be a healthy parent. I even sent the guy money as a teenager. Heck, he would buy my sister and I cigarrettes- she was 12 and I was 14.

He did love me very much- not sure how much contact I should have had with him though.

It's a tough call when the other parent may not be a healthy parent. Where do you draw the line and how much control do you really have over the sitch anyhow.

Personally I think a monitored phone and email relationship would be great for Red's kids and the father. Maybe the rare visit here and there. IDK....

He also has ignored the kids for ages- I would worry that he builds a relationship with then and then dumps the kids yet again.


Red's husband is a classic narcissist- not sure if they can be healthy parents. (I am stating he is narcissistic- not saying he has been diagnosed as one...)


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115339
06/02/11 08:56 PM
06/02/11 08:56 PM
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Seeing Red Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: SpinFree

Your XH is reaching out to the children. Texts, drive-bys, etc. They are inappropriate, but they are still effort. You can't criticize him for not contacting them and then support them not answering his texts by joining in the silence. THAT'S HORRIBLE.

He could be in PRISON and it would still be YOUR JOB to foster a healthy relationship between the children and their father.


He cheats on his wife, walks out on his kids, and when he shows up months later and says, "Jump!" the kids are supposed to say, "How high?"

Don't think so!

Look, I realize he may be regretting his actions and wanting to re-connect. But he started the affair without talking to anyone, moved out without talking to anyone, and filed for divorce WITHOUT TALKING TO ANYONE.

HE made ALL of these choices with NO input from anyone whose life he was impacting, and now he's mad that no one will talk to him? Please!

Am I interfering? Heck no! I tell them ALL THE TIME that "He's your father, you need to talk to him, etc." They aren't interested. As for prison, it would depend on WHY he was there. Stealing to put food on the table? He's the guy! Selling drugs, embezzling, murder? Not so much.

And don't go there with me being a horrible parent. I've been here nearly 24/7 since Day 1. XH had to watch the kids for 48 hours once while I went to a conference and you know what he said? "Don't EVER do that again!"

Wow! He gets to travel the world with his career and I have to sit at home, watching kids with mine?

Yes, I'm angry. Do I tell my kids not to talk to him because of it? Absolutely not!


XH 49, Me 47
DD 14, 12 S 9

Married: July 1986
Bomb: July 2008
Divorce Final May 2011

"When people show you who they are, believe them," - Maya Angelou
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115340
06/02/11 09:02 PM
06/02/11 09:02 PM
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silverado Offline
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SF,

Originally Posted By: SpinFree

You are angry. It comes through loud and clear. You have a right to be angry.

Your XH is reaching out to the children. Texts, drive-bys, etc. They are inappropriate, but they are still effort. You can't criticize him for not contacting them and then support them not answering his texts by joining in the silence. THAT'S HORRIBLE.


I think you may be reading a lot more into what Red has written than is really here. I don't think she is criticizing him for not contacting the children when he is "trying". Her issue is that he pursuing the girls, who have no desire to contact him right now, and totally ignoring the little boy who would welcome his daddy's attention.

Furthermore, I see no reason why Red should respond to inane messages from XH, just for the purpose of setting an example for the girls. If his texts have nothing to do with urgent business or the children, why answer? Her XH would pester her to death with his junk if he could.

Originally Posted By: SpinFree
YOU need to help the children find appropriate ways to contact their father and vice versa.
I'm not so sure this should be Red's focus right now...seems like it should be Mr. Red's place to clean up this mess that he's made. Forcing teenage girls to communicate with a wayward father against their will might not be the best choice. Red has said she is making plans to gets them all into counselling.


Originally Posted By: SpinFree
HE IS reaching out to them. It's not the way YOU want. It's NOT the way the children NEED. Help THEM establish the best relationship they can with their father.


SF, your children are pretty close in age range...do you have some suggestions that Red might try?


Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: silverado] #115345
06/02/11 09:16 PM
06/02/11 09:16 PM
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SpinFree Offline
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Silver,

I would show the children how to communicate with their father. Show them how and when to respond.

It's not about cleaning up messes. "It's your mess, you clean it up." "He's your father, you talk to him." It's about standing up for yourself and letting him go.

I would let the kids see me have healthy interactions with their dad. Healthy boundaries and all. I would never apologize for having to set a boundary with their father in front of them.

They aren't going to starve while they are with him. Likely they've found that's a hot-button with mom that they can push.

They do need to be supervised (5yo !!!), and I would let them see you interacting positively with Dad about it. If he turns it negative, shut it down.

I don't suggest ANYone force ANYone to do ANYthing, but she can show her kids WHEN to text him back. "Your dad wanted to know about what you did at recess. I'm texting him back on THAT one. Anything you guys want to add?" It lets them know that they don't have to answer every text and that they can answer when THEY feel it's appropriate. (I'll bet DS will jump at the chance to communicate with Dad.)

Give attention when he's doing something good. No matter how small. Ignore him when he's doing something inappropriate. BUT there must be some positive feedback in there. (It's all Cesar Milan dog whisperer stuff. 8) )

SF

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Seeing Red] #115359
06/02/11 09:28 PM
06/02/11 09:28 PM
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SpinFree Offline
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Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
He cheats on his wife, walks out on his kids, and when he shows up months later and says, "Jump!" the kids are supposed to say, "How high?"


He MUST have the opportunity to rebuild the relationship. For THEM. It has very little to do with him.

Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
Don't think so!


Can you say "alienation of affection"?

Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
Am I interfering? Heck no! I tell them ALL THE TIME that "He's your father, you need to talk to him, etc."


I'm sure you do, but do you also tell/show them things like:
Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
Look, I realize he may be regretting his actions and wanting to re-connect. But he started the affair without talking to anyone, moved out without talking to anyone, and filed for divorce WITHOUT TALKING TO ANYONE.
HE made ALL of these choices with NO input from anyone whose life he was impacting, and now he's mad that no one will talk to him? Please!

Children are very perceptive. They know that you feel like the above quote.

Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
They aren't interested.


Why is that?

Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
As for prison, it would depend on WHY he was there. Stealing to put food on the table? He's the guy! Selling drugs, embezzling, murder? Not so much.


With so much of the American population in prison, you and I will have to agree to disagree about that.

I'm not saying they should fly into Daddy's arms for Disneyland day in pretty pinafores. I am saying that they need to be shown a path. They and he need to know what how an emotionally stable parent puts their children first. I would say the same thing if it was a guy whose wife had left him with the kids so that she could go be a barfly. Kids need that relationship.

SF

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115390
06/02/11 09:52 PM
06/02/11 09:52 PM
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Mary Emma Offline
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Spin- all I ask is that you read the entire thread to see what type of man he has been.

It's more about feeding his own ego than actually having a relationship with the kids. He has not had a relationship with the kids for many many years.


This is more that he is now lonely and feels desconnected. He has never been about being a father.


He has never had much interest in them. He is very self absorbed.

Please examine his motive. He does what suits him and really has never thought of what would be good for his kids and wife.

This is a man that demanded Rd to move to a 2 bedroom apartment with her 3 children b/c he didn't like paying so much money for the house they lived in now. It was too costly with him also paying for his 2 bedroom apartment.... and all his new furniture.

It's always about what is most convinent for him. When the kids become inconvient he will blow them off yet again. Or leave them alone in his apartment when something more interesting comes up for him. Like he has done in the past.

It's all about HIM, HIM, HIM... he is incapable of showing love to his kids. And if he does he does it to get adolation for him.


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Mary Emma] #115396
06/02/11 09:56 PM
06/02/11 09:56 PM
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Mary Emma Offline
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Spin- we are advocating that Red have almost no contact with her ex since he has been so emotionally abusive.

She in the past has updated him on the children's events- it only allowed for him to have the opportunity to hurt her emotionally.


Not sure how you expecting her to lead them in a relationship with their father...


Do you force them to call and text him? If they do not want to that is their choice.

I think alienation of affection is a little extreme. He abadoned them and lied repeatedly to them. I think he created his own mess and he, like an adult, whould fix it.

It is not her job to foster the relationship b/t her children and her hubby. If he was so interested in them he would request more visitation than once every few months... (that was his idea- he doesn't want them taht often)

Last edited by daisy72; 06/02/11 09:56 PM.

Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115458
06/02/11 11:36 PM
06/02/11 11:36 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Originally Posted By: SpinFree

Your XH is reaching out to the children. Texts, drive-bys, etc. They are inappropriate, but they are still effort. You can't criticize him for not contacting them and then support them not answering his texts by joining in the silence. THAT'S HORRIBLE.

He could be in PRISON and it would still be YOUR JOB to foster a healthy relationship between the children and their father.


Uh, no, I think that's Mr Red's job to foster a healthy relationship with his kids there Spin... it's not Ms. Red's job at all in my opinion. Suggesting it's her job to repair the mess her husband's made is "horrible."

I disagree with pretty much everything you posted.

And if his "reaching out to the children" is "inappropriate" then it's not "effort"... it's just inappropriate behavior and worth zero.

If the approaches are appropriate that's great, if the approaches are going to be inappropriate then these kids are better of not hearing from him.

Again it is not Red's job to clean up the mess her husband's made here.. .that's up to him...

And he could start that by approaching his kids "appropriately."

Until he learns to do this properly Red shut him down.

Did it ever occur to you Spin that the kids may NEED TIME away from this guy to process everything? Forcing them to talk to some arrogant over-entitled man-child may just not be in the best interests of these kids welfare right now.

My guess is Red that he's not contacting them to take ownership of anything? He just wants to manipulate them as usual?

That is horrible if that's the case, and I don't blame you or them for keeping your distance.

This man's a walking disaster and not healthy to be around.

I'm with Red on this one fully, and Daisy's made the best point : read the whole thread. You clearly have no idea how much damage this man has made and is still making. He has no business being around kids.

Red has done more than her share here and this man needs to step up. My guess is (and Red can clarify this if I'm off base) this man is not communicating for any parental repair here. He's just trying to manipulate these kids that he chose to estrange himself to for years now so he can get laid in secret.

Spin, please read the whole thread, and get informed before you make what appear to be baseless suggestions.


Last edited by Allen_A; 06/02/11 11:49 PM.

Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Mary Emma] #115466
06/02/11 11:51 PM
06/02/11 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: daisy72
Spin- we are advocating that Red have almost no contact with her ex since he has been so emotionally abusive.

She in the past has updated him on the children's events- it only allowed for him to have the opportunity to hurt her emotionally.


Not sure how you expecting her to lead them in a relationship with their father...


Do you force them to call and text him? If they do not want to that is their choice.

I think alienation of affection is a little extreme. He abandoned them and lied repeatedly to them. I think he created his own mess and he, like an adult, would fix it.

It is not her job to foster the relationship b/t her children and her hubby. If he was so interested in them he would request more visitation than once every few months... (that was his idea- he doesn't want them that often)


An informed post up here... well said! ^^^^^^

Until this man demonstrates he's a healthy influence for her kids my suggestion is to not lift one single finger to help him in any way. He's exploited you for long enough Red. No more.

These are the consequences you've been waiting five years for Red.. And it's about time they came around to haunt him.

Leave him rot in the mess he's made.


Last edited by Allen_A; 06/02/11 11:53 PM.

Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115472
06/03/11 12:00 AM
06/03/11 12:00 AM
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for to fade Offline
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Her anger is negatively affecting her children...

really?

I would think her husband cheating on her, putting a grad student through school and leaving their son alone would have done that. Also the time he took the kids to the mall and told them to keep up or be left. Also the time he had them for the weekend and he had the students in his lab watch his children.

She owes him nothing, he cheated, lied, divorced her without talking, he can figure out the "daddy" role I am sure.

She does not have to do anything, tell her children anything. All she is required to do is be their mother.

Her husband left her, divorced her, she doens't owe him a thing.

And you suggest she say something to them like your Dad wanted to know what you did at recess. That falls under the wife category. And no it does not fall under the Mom category.

He made that decision to end all communication relationship anything the day he divorced her, story over fella.

Watch me walk, say that red, watch me walk, see my back, that is me walking away from you.

Last edited by tinkerbell; 06/03/11 12:06 AM.
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115483
06/03/11 12:27 AM
06/03/11 12:27 AM
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Sunnyosity Offline
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I believe you have good intentions SF, just think those intentions are misplaced.

Quote:
"They and he need to know what how an emotionally stable parent puts their children first."


They have been shown that by Red, herself.

Quote:
"Your dad wanted to know about what you did at recess. I'm texting him back on THAT one.


Whoa!

As someone who attempts to make use of all opportunities for my children to have a semblance(sp?) of a stable family life, this had me floored.

Silver, Daisy, Tinker & Allen are on it, IMHO. Mr. Red needs to do the work for himself, he's done enough damage to his children.

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Sunnyosity] #115529
06/03/11 01:59 AM
06/03/11 01:59 AM
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Here's my 2 cents: Red is in recovery. It is not appropriate for Red to put time and energy into building Mr Red's relationship with his kids. Right now, Mr Red has to lie in the bed he has made. He will hopefully over time make a sustained effort to do better by his kids. Red should never block him or discourage him in this process (which she is not doing, IMO).
Right now Red needs to care for herself and heal.


Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Kierkegaard.
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115574
06/03/11 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted By: SpinFree
I'm not saying they should fly into Daddy's arms for Disneyland day in pretty pinafores. I am saying that they need to be shown a path. They and he need to know what how an emotionally stable parent puts their children first. I would say the same thing if it was a guy whose wife had left him with the kids so that she could go be a barfly. Kids need that relationship.
Red, I agree with SpinFree as you know. And, as I've written before, I believe that IC could play a huge role in helping your children come to terms with a situation where they are torn between two parents. Their father has essentially abandoned them frown. And Red, I believe they have taken your lead in how to deal with WH, however what's right for you is likely NOT right for them.

edited to clarify:
I agree that Red should be NC as much as possible with Mr. Red. As much to manage her own reactions as because of his toxicity (two separate things). I believe than an IC is the best person to help the children find a path to their father. Healing the current alienation between the children and their father may take a long time and careful guidance (respecting and enforcing their boundaries, etc), but it's a very valuable process for the children IMO. Also, I believe that Red would be wise to exercise more self-censorship in terms of commenting about Mr Red in front of the children. If she can't say anything nice, she shouldn't say anything at all. Children are not equipped to deal with conflict between their parents, IMO. The research on the impact of divorce on children seems to show that how parents manage conflict is the major factor in the long-term impact.

Last edited by flowmom; 06/03/11 04:50 AM. Reason: clarification

we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: SpinFree] #115595
06/03/11 04:13 AM
06/03/11 04:13 AM
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Fergie Offline
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Fergie  Offline
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Originally Posted By: SpinFree
I would show the children how to communicate with their father. Show them how and when to respond....

....I would let the kids see me have healthy interactions with their dad. Healthy boundaries and all. I would never apologize for having to set a boundary with their father in front of them.
You are kidding right?

Everything about this guy screams "personality disorder" and you are talking "healthy interactions"?

He sounds like a classic NPD and Red is supposed to treat him like a misunderstood guy... show him a "path".

I'd love to hear the "healthy boundaries" you have in mind. Please elaborate.

--Fergie


Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Fergie] #115606
06/03/11 04:53 AM
06/03/11 04:53 AM
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I can see where some day it will be good for XH to reconnect with the children and them have a relationship with him. That day is not right now, IMHO. I think XH needs more time to spend with the consequences as Allen mentioned in order to gain some humility and to try to find some remorse. Until he does that, I don't see him being a healthy individual for kids to be around. He still has absolutely no idea that his actions have caused so much hurt for his children!

As I once told my H, he doesn't get to decide how the kids process and cope. Having said that, I do think kids often take their cues from parents - esp. the one that's been hurt - and forget how to deal with their own feelings. So - yes, counseling for the kids is much needed so they truly process their own feelings and are able to sort them out.

Right now WH isn't mature enough to be very parental - he's still thinking Red should be his secretary, for goodness sakes! He has spent a long time being so absorbed in himself that he doesn't seem to really know what it means to be a dad right now. He needs some time with himself to be motivated to do his job as a father in a healthy way.

I can see that people don't want you to use the kids as revenge, Red, so he has to pay for what he's done - and the kids never have a relationship with him. Yet, I don't see you doing that at this point. I see you protecting them until he shows some true care for them and not little pawns in his life. I still think it would be very benefcial to get a professional opinion on all of this. You don't want the kids picking up your thoughts and attitudes towards XH, but coping with their own.

So, my suggestion is to continue protecting him until he sobers up and yet - at the same time - not saying cutting remarks about him as a person around them. (Not saying you are - but I know how easy it can happen.) It's one thing to remark on the behavior, but not on him, as their father.

Re: How My Life Turned into a Soap Opera [Re: Fergie] #115607
06/03/11 05:01 AM
06/03/11 05:01 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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Out of the mouth of a 6 year old, I heard the profound words:

"ya' know mom, kids don't like to be lied to."

Our children are precious and the instinct of any sane parent is to protect them from harm.

However, there are times when the most harmful person in their lives is the one who used to be a protector. Coming to the realization and then being able to take protective action takes time.

Our children are not tools of wager, nor are the a shield to be used between the BS and WS. They are our flesh and blood and need guidance and protection as such.

When there is an affair and the WS chooses to inflict mental and emotional damage on their own offspring, there is little compassion one can feel for such a person. Still they are by all legal rights the parent but how they are the parent is where the children need guidance.

IC/parent/friend/relative/neighbor, etc..... those who can be constructive in their help is what the BS needs to find that will work for their children. Within the same family a parent may find they have to use a variety of resources. Some work good with an IC vs a confidant friend vs a parent. There is no 1 size fits all fix on this.

Reassurance to our children of our commitment to them to be there for them is essential as a general rule, then whatever method of additional support can be added to help the child through this difficult time.

The WS owns the need to fix their R with their children. NO one should do it for the WS. NO one can but ONLY the WS. The kicker is that when a WS tries to brush off that responsibility to others, that is a tell tale sign that the WS is not ready to make things right or better for their children. That the WS is still being SELFISH with their actions and it is still more about the WS' wants vs the needs of the children.

Stay focused here folks...... help those who have been traumatized by the A to refocus and get clear thinking so precious time is NOT lost by putting the children in harm's way.

JMHO,
Orchid

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