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Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105006
05/12/11 05:06 PM
05/12/11 05:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand

She wanted to talk last night. I said, "Okay, how much child support do you want? Your sister said that was the only thing left to discuss."



She says she wants to talk and you became a mind reader over night and knew exactly what she wanted to talk about?

Interesting.

Even I'm not that good,
when & where did you gain this new found skill from?

When someone asks to talk to you,
you can either tell them that you're too busy to talk right now or you can actually ASK them what they want to talk to you about.

You are getting in your own way, calm down a bit, take it easy, the world isn't ending, far from it in fact.




Re: Living in Limbo [Re: rob x] #105014
05/12/11 05:16 PM
05/12/11 05:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Quote:
You are getting in your own way, calm down a bit, take it easy, the world isn't ending, far from it in fact.


Yeah, it was a bad afternoon.

When SIL called to fill me in on the discussion, she said, "Sorry, W just wants out. We told her to go to C, to stop coaching, get off the school board and to really try. She said she in not having an affair, I don't believe her, she has tried and just wants a civil D and to move on. There is no changing her mind."

Now, I knew to expect this. I did hope that coming from her family may get through a little bit. I knew it would not. Still, after that and how pi$$ed she was, I figured, "Let's get this over, find out how much she wants and the hell with it."

Have Dr. appt this afternoon. He want to up my AD dosage. The anxiety seems to be creeping back in. My chest is tight, all that good stuff. I need to calm down.

Just shut the F up, IDU. Get out of the way.



M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105016
05/12/11 05:28 PM
05/12/11 05:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline
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bustorama  Offline
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
The anxiety seems to be creeping back in. My chest is tight, all that good stuff. I need to calm down.





Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105024
05/12/11 05:33 PM
05/12/11 05:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 930
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Don Man Don Offline
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Don Man Don  Offline
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Get off the anti-depressants, according to that Helen Fisher lady it is supressing your PEA. No wonder why you can't think straight.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: bustorama] #105027
05/12/11 05:36 PM
05/12/11 05:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Danf Offline
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Danf  Offline
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WI
Just get the D done IDU. It happens, to lots of people. It is going to happen to ME too. You have suffered this craziness long enough.

In the long run, you will be fine. You are strong, a good dad for your kids and are very attractive. Keep moving forward. You CAN do this.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #105045
05/12/11 06:08 PM
05/12/11 06:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline
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Originally Posted By: Don Man Don
Get off the anti-depressants, according to that Helen Fisher lady it is supressing your PEA. No wonder why you can't think straight.


I agree, you are trying to mask something instead of face it, learn how to cope instead of looking for a drug to do it for you, nobody says this isn't difficult sometimes but it's definitely worth it.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Danf] #105048
05/12/11 06:14 PM
05/12/11 06:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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CajunRose  Offline
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I'm not surprised the anxiety is creeping up. Hearing from an uninvolved person that your WAS doesn't want you anymore HURTS. The first time I heard from one of our mutual friends that she had talked to STBXH and he wasn't ever changing his mind I couldn't breathe. The second time I could breathe but almost hyperventilated. (Was no third time. Thank goodness.)

It hurt me more to hear it from them than to hear it from him. Because I know he's totally messed up so I didn't take him seriously.

hug

Do what you need to do for your kids. STBXH told me that he wanted the kids to have consistency, to they should sleep at my house as much as possible. He spends Tuesday evenings with them and brings them home to me at bedtime instead of keeping them overnight and having Wednesday morning with them too. He brings them home Sunday night instead of keeping them until Monday morning. I asked D5 if she likes this plan - she doesn't. She wants to spend more time with Daddy. Daddy thinks she isn't old enough to decide what's best for her and will keep the current plan. I don't argue because *I* want my kids.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #105051
05/12/11 06:22 PM
05/12/11 06:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Don Man Don
Get off the anti-depressants, according to that Helen Fisher lady it is supressing your PEA. No wonder why you can't think straight.


Really?


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105054
05/12/11 06:27 PM
05/12/11 06:27 PM
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Posts: 1,133
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Belle96 Offline
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Belle96  Offline
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Exercise will do more to help your anxiety and depression more than AD will. Google. :-)


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105065
05/12/11 06:51 PM
05/12/11 06:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,428
Connecticut, USA
Happy In Hartford Offline
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Happy In Hartford  Offline
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IDU, I just want to know why you don't think that you are worthy of better than what your wife is or has given you? Your getting the best advice... Get off of the AD's and start execising...do some cardio and pound some weights it will do a world of wonder...he!! man start living your life! cool


Living Life and Loving It!

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Happy In Hartford] #105082
05/12/11 07:28 PM
05/12/11 07:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,133
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Belle96 Offline
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I was cleaning my DD's room yesterday and I was thinking "Wow, I hope he hits rock bottom. But hell he won't. People like him don't do that. They skate on by in the world blaming everyone else but themselves for their issues."

Then it hit me. Well hell no he isn't going to hit rock bottom b/c he keeps bouncing off me !!!!!!! Everytime he starts to fall I am right there. Everytime he gets angry, I am there for him to vent to or take it out on. I am my own worst enemy. He can't feel guilt on his own b/c I am too busy throwing it at him.

Your comment about getting out of your own way reminded me of this IDU.

We are better than this. We are worth more than this. This does not define who we are.

Let's man up if for no other reason than to get these people on here off our backs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grin


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Belle96] #105085
05/12/11 07:32 PM
05/12/11 07:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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ADs are a very valuable tool for a lot of people in times of crisis.

IDU, listen to your doctor, not anonymous nonprofessional posters on a forum.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: catperson] #105090
05/12/11 07:35 PM
05/12/11 07:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,133
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Belle96 Offline
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Yes talk to your doctor but also do research yourself. Even if you don't go off them, exercise will help.

It is very hard sometimes to find the right AD for a person. Then the dosage can be an issue. If it's not working, do something about it. Wow, I just had an epiphany ! :-)


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Happy In Hartford] #105092
05/12/11 07:38 PM
05/12/11 07:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline
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Emotions can be powerful motivators if you use them as fuel for logical action and good signals of things gone wrong in our world. I would agree with medicating your depression and anxiety if they are preventing you from acting or functioning AND you cannot find other ways to manage them.

Like the others, I can't say enough about exercise. If you already are doing some, do it more and do so more vigorously. Get that T flowing, that heart racing, your lungs searing, your muscles bulging.

It does suck to hear from 3rd parties that your spouse says, "they are done, they hate you, they dont feel it for you, they've done all they can and it's over, they are so over it, that they are so happy with their new person/life, etc." Doesn't really change your sitch that you heard it from family though, right? That tree fell in the forest a LONG time ago. Via your in-law, you're hearing an echo of it falling.

So, you know that's where W's feelings (still) are. Your W has chosen to cut the marital tree down, infesting it with the bark beetles of affair. That's your reality.

How do you choose to act now? Like a martyr like you might hold the tree up for everyone? Like an ostrich that it hasn't fallen? Like a bo peep that it might stand itself up again? Like a guilty apologist that your W didnt realize or mean to chop it down or that maybe you deserved it?

How does IDU choose to act?

Last edited by bustorama; 05/12/11 07:40 PM.

Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: bustorama] #105094
05/12/11 07:43 PM
05/12/11 07:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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MrsIDU may actually find that she LIKES the new IDU who stands up for himself. She may stay in contact over the next year or two and observe to see if he's for real. May even date him to find out. May want to get back together down the road.

But that'll never happen if he backs down on ANYTHING at this point.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: catperson] #105106
05/12/11 07:59 PM
05/12/11 07:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,428
Connecticut, USA
Happy In Hartford Offline
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Happy In Hartford  Offline
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Posts: 3,428
Connecticut, USA
Cat, I don't believe in giving posters false hope...what good does that do other prolong limbo. I much rather advise based on the reality of the situation. IDU needs to focus on his own health and happiness as a person rather than think that he can only be happy as a couple.


Living Life and Loving It!

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105109
05/12/11 08:02 PM
05/12/11 08:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
E
evolve35 Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Really?


No IDU, not "Really?"

It is incredibly DANGEROUS for us to advise you on your medical needs. Speak with your doctor. If you are concerned your doctor is pushing pills at you or you are not certain he/she is the best to evaluate this aspect of medicine, seek a second (doctor) opinion.

Doing research for yourself is fine...but you must ALWAYS consider the source. The internet is a really horrible source of information 99% of the time...as well as concerned family and friends.

With that being said, my sitch was vastly improved by exercise. For me personally, no drug could have substituted its effects.


Me-36
XH-34
T-9 yrs; M- 4 yrs
8/10 Bomb/separation
D final 5/31/11
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: evolve35] #105119
05/12/11 08:12 PM
05/12/11 08:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Relax, E! I would never stop them without talking to my Dr., which I did today. I told him how I felt and he/we decided to leave the dosage alone. It does take the edge off. I don't want to be chemically "happy". That's not what they are for. I know.

I do walk/run in the a.m. I need to hit the weights. I used to years ago. I'll try to get the twins interested in it. Something we could do together.


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Happy In Hartford] #105122
05/12/11 08:18 PM
05/12/11 08:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: Happy In Hartford
Cat, I don't believe in giving posters false hope...what good does that do other prolong limbo. I much rather advise based on the reality of the situation. IDU needs to focus on his own health and happiness as a person rather than think that he can only be happy as a couple.
Actually, I was talking about what may happen AFTER he divorces her. By that time, he won't care if he has false hope. She'll just be any other lady out there.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: catperson] #105247
05/13/11 12:12 AM
05/13/11 12:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 930
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Don Man Don Offline
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Last edited by Don Man Don; 05/13/11 12:18 AM.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #105546
05/13/11 05:11 PM
05/13/11 05:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,446
Brotherly Love
gr8 day 2b alive Offline
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gr8 day 2b alive  Offline
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Brotherly Love
idu,
I was reading an old thread and found this post from Coach.
It sums up everything quite well:

Quote:
Prepare for either outcome. Know what you want and what the boundaries are. Dropping the bomb is a pretty effective tool to get someone to take notice of the situation. Don't be afraid to use it yourself. Act on your values, beliefs and what you decide is best for you. Easy to make decisions with the goal in mind and knowing who you are.

gr8

Last edited by gr8 day 2b alive; 05/13/11 05:12 PM.

Find a passion and pursue it.Fall in love.Dream Big.drink wine, eat good food and spend quality time with good friends.laugh everyday.tell stories. learn more. never give up. be grateful try new things be. happy. and above all, make every moment count.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: gr8 day 2b alive] #105576
05/13/11 06:41 PM
05/13/11 06:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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Posts: 1,104
Thanks, Gr8. I remember that post. It does sum it up. I know LA said not to worry about "too little, too late", but I sure can look back and see the things I should have done, the great advice I was given and didn't follow. Still don't do it to a "T".

Yesterday, W called me on her way home from S5 field trip. She got turned around on the interstate and needed to know how to get home. I told her and she called back a while later and told me where she was and if she was still headed in the right direction. I stayed on with her until she recognized where she was. She txt me later and said, "Made it! thx for helping!" I replied, ur welcome.

When I got home, she was cutting grass and the kids were playing. I started weed eating and we stayed out until almost dark. She cut the twins' hair and asked me if I wanted mine cut, too. I've cut my own for the last two years and I said, "Sure." She did and I said thanks. Got the kids showered and in bed and I watched the news. She came in and asked if we could talk. Trying to keep Coach and Rob, etc., in mind I said, "Sure. What do you want to talk about." She said she knows how hard all of this is for me, how bad and real my depression is, she was sorry, but this was the only thing she could do. She said she thought it was best for the kids to be in one house during school and I could see them whenever I wanted, we could have dinner together or something like that during the week. I listened and didn't say a word. When she was done, she asked what I thought.

"I'm understand that you feel this is the only thing for you to do. I do not agree with it at all. I will not be a weekend dad. It's your decision to tear the family and the M apart. I will fight for equal time with my kids no matter what." She started in on how disruptive it would be and all of that and I said, "Look, we're not getting anywhere, here. I am tired and going to bed. Let's talk about this later. Goodnight." I went to bed and she slept on the couch.

I have to really catch myself because, surprise, I still have those moments of, "If I could only say the right thing and make her see what she is doing." I know that will never happen with words from me.

This morning she was a whirlwind, again. She asked if I had anything planned for tomorrow. I should have said I did but I didn't and told her so. She has the state track meet tomorrow and will be there all day. The kids got excited and asked if we could take the boat out. I told them we would if it wasn't raining. Yay!!

Sometimes it seem like it may be sinking in. I'll never know if I don't just let it. Let her see she can't afford the house or afford rent or gas for all of her running around or sitters or cigarettes or anything else when the two of us, together, have trouble enough, at times.

Get out of the way. Two years ago.


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105592
05/13/11 07:08 PM
05/13/11 07:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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CajunRose  Offline
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See, you ARE learning smile

Stick to your guns with the kids. I know you will.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #105595
05/13/11 07:15 PM
05/13/11 07:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,220
Coach Offline
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Coach  Offline
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Quote:
"Sure. What do you want to talk about." She said she knows how hard all of this is for me, how bad and real my depression is


She doesn't get to tell you how you feel or what is going on in your mind, you own that.

Quote:
"I'm understand that you feel this is the only thing for you to do. I do not agree with it at all. I will not be a weekend dad. It's your decision to tear the family and the M apart. I will fight for equal time with my kids no matter what."


YES! Don't waiver she's counting on you being a nice guy.


You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Coach] #105601
05/13/11 07:31 PM
05/13/11 07:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 930
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Don Man Don Offline
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Don Man Don  Offline
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Posts: 930
She coaches track and smokes?

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