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Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #101259
05/02/11 08:59 PM
05/02/11 08:59 PM
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Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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Colorado
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Thanks for the kind words, LA. I've been at this for too long to be top notch about anything reguarding this mess. Contrary to popular opinion, I am listening and learning.

I will get there.


You can be top notch in one action, one word, one moment. Discounting yourself doesn't help you. Isn't reality. Your opinion of you counts. Watch where you discount yourself...can feel as if your permission is to only take blame, not credit.

You don't want to be in the blame game, 'k? Those inherent two-way streets exist. Own what you do that you're proud of--every boundary enforcement you do that stays within your boundaries of respect, honesty, consideration and acceptance is yours.

Not just the mistakes.

You're creating new habits...stick to those. Helps you wean yourself off basing your self-worth off of outcome...which you have no control over.

Just your part.

And very funny with the repeat after me. LOL.

I got it. I really got it.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: LovingAnyway] #102122
05/04/11 07:49 PM
05/04/11 07:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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Quote:
You don't want to be in the blame game, 'k? Those inherent two-way streets exist. Own what you do that you're proud of--every boundary enforcement you do that stays within your boundaries of respect, honesty, consideration and acceptance is yours.

Not just the mistakes.



I have been taking the blame for this for too long. I have owned my part in it. The rest, like you said, I have no control over.

I'm doing well. The mornings have been especially good. No crying, no yelling and screaming. This morning she did try to get S5 to change shirts because he picked out an orange one with a mummy on the front and the writing said - I LOVE MY MUMMY. Yeah, it's a Halloween shirt but that's what he wanted to wear and it is a nice shirt, it's not old, torn up, whatever. When she asked him if she could get him a different shirt he said, "Dad said I could wear this one, I don't want to change. It says I love my mummy. I like this one." She kind of smiled and said, "Okay, then." I have managed to get D7 ready and dressed in clothes that match and that she wants to wear. W hasn't even came in her room. thumbsup

A little more evidence of her world coming down, at least a little bit. Last night at track practice, two of the mom's get into a screaming match. One of them is our bum neighbor who is also the asst. coach and W's new BFF. The other has voiced her opinion of W and super's "friendship". She told me about it when she and the kids got home. Her phone rang and it was neighbor. I got the kids showered and in bed while she was on the phone. Super called and I went out in the shed. I came back in and showered and W was laying in bed. She asked if I was coming to the meet on Fri and I said I couldn't get off of work. She tried making a little small talk. She finally said that super wanted her to call the police and file a harassment or disturbing the peace charge against both of the women. This was at 11:30. She asked if it would do any good this long after the fact. I said that I had no idea. "What should I do?" she asked. I said I would let it drop, let the board or school or whatever handle any "punishment". She laid there for a few minutes and got up and called the police. Then she called super. I told her to close the door or go outside so I could sleep. She did both.

I also saw the school board election results. Out of @125 ballots cast, she received 4 votes. Four. And one of them was hers. Just thought that was kind of funny.



M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102124
05/04/11 07:56 PM
05/04/11 07:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 930
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Don Man Don Offline
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Quote:
"What should I do?" she asked...


"stop cheating on me?" I said.

Last edited by Don Man Don; 05/05/11 01:30 AM.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #102126
05/04/11 07:59 PM
05/04/11 07:59 PM
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Don Man Don Offline
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Quote:
Then she called super.


Stop refering to him as "Super"

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #102147
05/04/11 09:00 PM
05/04/11 09:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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Does 4 votes mean she's off the board for next year?

She called the cops on the assistant coach, huh? That will make the next practice interesting. I hope your kids weren't there.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102155
05/04/11 09:11 PM
05/04/11 09:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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flowmom Offline
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Nice guy isn't what I thought I had become. Wasn't always that way. (As in weak) I was always the nice guy. A big strong nice guy who was voted "most friendly" my senior year in high school. Played football but was also in the band. I took college writing courses and was also in shop class. I was well balanced. It used to come so easily. WTH happened?
All you have to do is be the man that you are IDU.

Quote:
when it comes to the Alpha Traits, what creates a dopamine response in men and what creates one in women, are very different things. I've covered what creates a dopamine response in women endlessly, but the short list is: social power, dominance, physical fitness, preselection (other women being sexually interested in him) and a strong profile of sexual interest. So a man displaying all that would be regarded as sexy by women. [link]
The author of the above blog says that men need to look for a balance of Alpha and Beta. Time to bump up the Alpha...do it to feel good about yourself as a man.

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/02/being-both-alpha-and-beta-journey-is.html

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/10/why-and-how-nice-guys-strategize-to.html


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: CajunRose] #102159
05/04/11 09:14 PM
05/04/11 09:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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No, CR. 4 votes means she's on for two more years. There was no one else running against her so she would have won with only her own vote.

Yeah, the asst. coach who is our neighbor who is also crazy. I ain't kidding. We've had several run-ins with them. Just another example of her lack of judgement. W and her buddies have run off almost all of the help at school for sports, dances, etc. They made the neighbor asst coach and installed her as the sports booster pres. All of this after she was banned from all b'ball games last year for cussing at the coach in the middle of a game.

It is madness.


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102164
05/04/11 09:25 PM
05/04/11 09:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 356
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bustorama Offline
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WTF, she's still talking with the super and then asking your opinion about what the super said to her (?!?!?!) AND still living in your bedroom?

WTF?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

And you're ok with this? Can you draw a stronger boundary than asking her to keep it down and step outside to talk to her paramour?

Last edited by bustorama; 05/04/11 09:25 PM.

Me-40
W-36
D9, D5, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: bustorama] #102167
05/04/11 09:31 PM
05/04/11 09:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: bustorama
WTF, she's still talking with the super and then asking your opinion about what the super said to her (?!?!?!) AND still living in your bedroom?

WTF?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

And you're ok with this? Can you draw a stronger boundary than asking her to keep it down and step outside to talk to her paramour?
THANK YOU!

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: catperson] #102181
05/04/11 09:58 PM
05/04/11 09:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
E
evolve35 Offline
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Posts: 186
I gotta agree here IDU. This was an opportunity to step up and lead, strongly, not just give your opinion. I think it is interesting that she is still asking your opinion...

By telling her to close the door behind her or go outside, you told her it was fine to make those calls.

I will let the alpha males here give you ideas on how you could have responded...they will do a much better job than me wink.

Learn from what they say for the next opportunity.

I thought she was out of the bedroom? Even if she isn't sleeping in there, she seems awfully comfortable on the marital bed she chose to leave.


Me-36
XH-34
T-9 yrs; M- 4 yrs
8/10 Bomb/separation
D final 5/31/11
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: evolve35] #102184
05/04/11 10:11 PM
05/04/11 10:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,104
Yep, F#@$%d up again.



M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102189
05/04/11 10:14 PM
05/04/11 10:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,931
Tennessee
TimeHeals Offline
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TimeHeals  Offline
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Posts: 3,931
Tennessee
F-A-I-L-I-N-G: Finding An Important Lesson In Needed Growth.

--Gary Busey.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102221
05/04/11 11:29 PM
05/04/11 11:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,913
pookie69 Offline
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Who is paying for her phone bill?


"A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102249
05/05/11 12:35 AM
05/05/11 12:35 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
E
evolve35 Offline
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Yep, F#@$%d up again.



I know it's tough IDU, but you've got to lighten up on yourself!

It's great you shared it here so people can give you an idea of how to approach this kind of situation with more authority.

I'm sure the 'experts' will be along soon.

-E


Me-36
XH-34
T-9 yrs; M- 4 yrs
8/10 Bomb/separation
D final 5/31/11
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: evolve35] #102394
05/05/11 02:40 PM
05/05/11 02:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,220
Coach Offline
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IDU, Can you understand why your wife loathes and despises you for letting this predator into your house and preying on her and ripping apart your family while you just watch? Where is your righteous anger?

What is are you afraid of that will happen if you call the meeting to order? Say it out loud then dispute it. Do you really believe what you are afraid of will happen or do you just feel it? You have a choice in how long this goes on. Your whole family is craving for you to lead. You want help and support, you got it. Stop giving away control to other people who don't have your best interests at heart. You can handle it.

Cheers


You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Coach] #102408
05/05/11 03:11 PM
05/05/11 03:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
E
evolve35 Offline
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evolve35  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 186
Coach is right. That's the way I felt when I was having an EA (of course we were "just friends") right in front of my H. I really wanted him to tell me to knock the sh*t off. I wanted to know he wasn't going to put up with it (self-respect) and that I/the marriage was priority #1.


Me-36
XH-34
T-9 yrs; M- 4 yrs
8/10 Bomb/separation
D final 5/31/11
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: evolve35] #102410
05/05/11 03:27 PM
05/05/11 03:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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idontunderstand  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I figured that this is one time that they were talking for something that was actually school related.


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102413
05/05/11 03:32 PM
05/05/11 03:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 930
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Don Man Don Offline
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Don Man Don  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
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WOW.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102419
05/05/11 03:48 PM
05/05/11 03:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
I figured that this is one time that they were talking for something that was actually school related.
WTF?

SO?

If YOU cheated on your wife, broke it off, yet still chatted up the OW whenever you felt like it, should your wife accept THAT?

Then why do YOU?!!!!

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: Don Man Don] #102420
05/05/11 03:48 PM
05/05/11 03:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,104
I
idontunderstand Offline OP
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Don't stop there, Steve.

Pathetic, loser, idiot, the list goes on and on.

You're right, Coach, I have got great support, here.

I'm not scared of losing her.

I've got to find somewhere to live big enough for me and four kids. I have no answers to that. Not enough money.

I just don't know.

I don't care about her. I don't even know her.

I thought this whole episode was funny as she was getting herself in deeper and deeper. She called the cops. This morning she said she dropped the charges because they wanted to arrest the women, fine them $1500.00, and it would go on their permanent record. She said the POSS didn't think it would be that bad. I told her to think for herself for a change.

Trying to let her dig her own grave.

I need to stand up, more.


M 15 yrs
D 9-13



Re: Living in Limbo [Re: idontunderstand] #102424
05/05/11 03:53 PM
05/05/11 03:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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CajunRose  Offline
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Posts: 9,381
TX
What did she think would happen if she called the cops? Cops arrest people....

Does money for her phone come out of your account?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: CajunRose] #102425
05/05/11 03:55 PM
05/05/11 03:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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If you don't care about her, stop protecting her and start protecting yourself.

Did you read No More Mr Nice Guy? What did you think?

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: catperson] #102430
05/05/11 04:01 PM
05/05/11 04:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,220
Coach Offline
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Coach  Offline
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Quote:
I have no answers to that.

I just don't know.



"When there is no wind, row."

Leaders have a plan and contingency plans for when things don't go according to plan. Not having answers leads to indecision. The sooner you believe you can handle anything thrown your way the better. Confidence comes from being prepared. Having some goals will focus your thinking and actions.


You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Living in Limbo [Re: CajunRose] #102431
05/05/11 04:02 PM
05/05/11 04:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
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believer Offline
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IDU -

Just from a female perspective, your wife loves to suck you into her drama. And when you allow it, you appear weak and she loses more and more respect for you.

I had a SO that had some issues with a male friend of mine. He felt we were getting too close, and there was inappropriate flirting. We went around and around for weeks about it.

One day he told me that he was a proud man and it just wasn't working for him. He very calmly told me that he hoped everything went well for me, and he walked out of the door. It took me a couple of days to figure out that he really was serious.

Then I scrambled like H*LL to change things. Still no response from my SO. I contacted his friends hoping they would let him know I changed. He waited a month to see that I meant it. Then we slowly got back together.

I know it is hard with kids, but you must make a stand, because the longer this goes on, the less she will respect you, and the less you will respect yourself.

Re: Living in Limbo [Re: believer] #102434
05/05/11 04:09 PM
05/05/11 04:09 PM
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catperson Offline
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And the more depressed and indecisive you become.

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