Hold, there are VERY few things I can say with certainty but if I were to get divorced or my husband die before me I will neither date nor remarry.
I would never, ever, ever trust a man to be kind to me.
I don’t want my husbands commitment. What the hell good does that do me? I used to want him to be nice to me. Now I just want him to leave me the hell alone.
Fergie, It interests me that you recall the wine glass incident. It was in the earlier days when I sometimes fought back. Now I freeze or flee or both and that’s just fine.
Intercourse has become exquisitely painful no doubt due to age and estrogen deficit. I still do it of course because it is my duty but dear God it hurts so. I got some vagina estrogen cream that’s meant to help but I’ve had it a month and haven’t opened the box. I’m more scared of the estrogen than I am the pain - ten minutes a week or so of agony feels a fair trade off for a lowered risk of recurrence.
I’ve never told my husband how much it hurts, and I never will. I would then be vulnerable to him and that is the most intolerable thought of all.
My work right now is focused on how to die with grace so I’m doing a lot of reading and contemplation on that. I’m not actively dying to my knowledge but I think I will lead a more intellectually and emotionally fulfilling life if I can get my arms around death. I’m trying to consciously devote as little emotional energy to my marriage as possible. It will never change and my efforts to do so have been fruitless. I want to die but am not intellectually or emotionally ready to so am working on that. Perhaps I will feel differently when my grandson is born but I think my work here is done and can’t get excited about 10-20 more years of abuse and suffering.
Both before and after the affair I’ve gotten on my knees to my husband and begged him to find a way to be nice to me or divorce me. He’s nice for a few weeks, I relax a twitch then BAM.
The gravaman of your argument Fergie is that my husband was a complete dick to me before the affair so it is difficult to argue cause and effect. I hope he has a girlfriend in Houston — hell, for all I know he has another entire family there as he’s been commuting for 12 years — but I doubt it I imagine he’d rather be castrated than give up his moral superiority.
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and the subject was how to stay in the marriage. He told me to reduce interaction to the bare minimum but continue to have sex whenever he wants so that’s my plan.