LG,

I'm very sorry to hear your H is mistreating you so. That said, it is within your right and grasp to decide how much longer you want to live under those conditions. When my WSt told me he could continue the 'A' forever as long as I continued with my family obligations, he meant it. I gave him years to change and eventually I had enough.

It was and is a sad decision I was forced to me. The flip side is that I don't regret it because as hard as it has been on myself and our son, it is better than living with the guilt of those words ringing in my ears.

For me the lates thing he said was that the only thing we had in common was our view on politics. Well he even got that wrong. What he says vs what he does doesn't match anyways. I told him, I haven't changed my beliefs and values and if he has a different view, that's because he changed.

You know what that conversation did to me? I helped me realize that he will change reality to stubbornly hold onto his devalued agenda. That if this is the real him, I don't want a part of it because he is hurtful and has the ability to outwardly pretend he is a 'nice guy'. For those dumb enough to believe his 'nice guy' act, they can have him. For those of us who can see right through it, we don't interact with him.

I choose to be of the later and stay away from him. He as no care to even ask how his son is doing, much less how I am doing. He only calls when he needs something and I no longer run after him to save him from himself. He can't appreciate that and he is too old too learn, so he dwells in the lala land and pretend that he is ok as a person. If he is ok with who he is, who am I to tell him that he is the emperor with no clothes.

I hope one day you are able to find less stress in your life without having a person like your H in it. Maybe he isn'tas bad as my father was to me or even as WSt. I surely don't want you to suffer so.

I remember when I had surgery in LA and had to fly back to SJ. It was a short but enduring flight because I was in such pain. This was before our son was born (ovarian cyst and fibroid tumor removal via a new technique back in 1992). I asked him to do one thing (I was gone for a week). We had 2 cats and I asked him to vacuum the house before I came home so I wouldn't have to do it. Guess what he didn't do? Yep and he got angry at me for doing it but I had to, my asthma got all worked up because of the cat fur.

I should have learned then how he was. We had been married almost 2 years. Now more than 27 years later, I regret not separating then. 27 long lost years. My bad. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. I should have trusted my gut feeling.

Trust yours. You deserve better. Your H is telling the truth. Agree with him and make your changes at your pace and as needed. He is like that because he chooses to be. He won't change for you.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid