Originally Posted by ohmy_marie
dear lady grey,

do you remember when i first posted to marriageadvocates? i was a betrayed spouse back then ... and was mainly posting in "BS-mode", but you responded to one of my posts re my wayward husband (in what i remember as somewhat of a lightbulb moment)...

anyway, you asked me to to take a serious look at at MYSELF.

maybe i am-was the shinola (and not THE-shinola, in a good way).

maybe i seriously did "reep what i sow"...

i was so hoping for flowers.

It's incredibly confusing when someone who is supposed to love you is cruel. I tend to blame myself because if *I* am the problem, solving it is my locus of control. It's a straight shot from there to self loathing.

I remember when I first started posting on MB someone saying my husband loved me, and my reaction was "if that's love, F it."

I find the concept of love confusing as I've been told that people who are cruel to me love me.

Which leaves me with me -- I'm the only one I can control and I have to behave such that I nourish self love which is why I think it is important to keep my side of the street clean. It's not to keep other people happy -- it's to keep ME happy. Or at least content.

I am convinced that someone whose mother doesn't love them, like me, is unworthy of love. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.